Inadequate

I don’t write in here much any more. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.  Maybe I don’t have as many ghosts haunting me in my life any more– or maybe I have just too many to keep track of — or maybe they have finally won.

 

It’s after midnight and I still can’t sleep.

Today I feel inadequate.  It’s not that I have royally messed anything up.  It happens every time David comes- but is usually fleeting.  Tonight I feel I have a thousand demons whispering in my ear all my failures and disappointments.  Every moment in my life where I have not been good enough, by other people’s measures, or even my own.  Usually other people though.

They tell me through their actions.  David leaving.  Elisa being crazy enough and using me up, then leaving over and over. Chip being removed.  Friends moving on without me.  People being two faced.  Failed attempts at current friendships.  I just can’t cut it.  It seems to grow as I get older.  People find exactly who they want in their lives and I’m left behind.  I try to keep up, but I honestly can’t seem to manage.

Usually I don’t care too much, but tonight it eats at me.

There are people out there that make more money, have a phd, feed their kids the best organic health food around, exercise every day, have a perfect body, have a perfect marriage, have the perfect children who behave as they should and do amazing in sports and school. Those mom’s with the perfect hair and bodies, who have amazing success at home and at work… and probably in bed too.

And I wish I were them.  But I don’t hate myself that I’m not.

And then there are those who have less than I do.  Those with little education, who are fatter, slower, with lives that are falling apart.  Who never have had a good marriage, a good family.  Who never have had a stable job, a decent house, a well fed and educated child  Those who never get laid and always struggle to make ends meet.

And I don’t think less of them- they usually just got the raw end of the deal.

But there I am somewhere in between.  I can’t win.  I’m not perfect. I will never earn the respect of David.  I don’t have the power to wake Chip out of his depression.  I don’t have the power to help my Mom take care of my Dad in his illness.  I cannot change my sister’s mental illness.  I can not change my child’s mental awareness or intelligence, or natural abilities.  I cannot seem to find the discipline to exercise every day, my sex life is barely alive, and I’m getting fatter with every waking moment.  Yet I despise that in all this mess I am not enough.  Even if I were in that perfect group of women out there who have it all together, I think I would still feel as if I were not enough.

Because no matter what, I cannot change other people and how I am in their lives.

Again, I must say- I have no power in how other people view me.  Or should I say very limited power.

No matter what I do, the people I have in my life will still be the same.  Even if I got my phD and went to the moon, David would not respect me or regret what he did.  Even if I were a hot mama and had a perfect home and job, Chip would be depressed and not give me a second look.  Even if I were the most continually caring and loving sister in the world, my sister would not be able to keep a relationship with me.  I cannot keep every friend close that I have ever had for the rest of my life and expect to be a part of their lives forever.

Keriann got married and didn’t even notify me.  Not sure why this bothers me since we haven’t talked in years.

David told me that he and his fiance are pregnant.  Not sure why this bothers me- I’m not jealous.  But I guess it proves that it wasn’t having a baby that drove him away.  It was simply me.

I guess I need to accept that other people will find me inadequate.  That others will find my weaknesses and my failures and put them under the magnifying glass for me to see.

It makes me want to go and hide.  Or have compulsive thoughts of harming myself.

I thank the lord that while I may have a crazy side of my head that tells me I am not good enough and I should just go kill myself– there is a very logical side of my mind that wins every time that tells me that is insane and these are lies and exaggerated truths that cannot be believed and are not worth something as big as my life.

But nights like tonight I feel small and insignificant.  In a few hours, the sun will rise and my mind will be occupied with one million things that must get done in the day- these thoughts will go away despite the hole that is in my heart.

The hole will probably never go away, it cycles between healing and being ripped open again over and over.  But so that is how life works.

I remember going to a women’s group at church and having an older group of women come visit us.  They remarked how optimistic we were.  Not naive, but simply how positive.  How much life, vitality, and fight we had.  I thought that was odd at that time.  But I am starting to see the truth in that.  The older I get, the less fight I have. The less life I have left in me.

Oh, to be young and innocent again.  To not know the pain of life.

But through my pain I will grow stronger, tougher.

I will be a tough old bird when my time comes to die.  Let’s just hope I have a long time to go still.