The end of innocence

I knew it would happen some day.  A small crack in the diamond of our relationship.  The man who “only sees me” looked at a sports illustrated swimsuit ad.  No big deal for most people and most relationships.  Except it was contrary to what he always said to reassure me. Contrary to what he has had me believe (an overcome my doubts that he could be that perfect). To promise me that I was the only one he wanted, that he wouldn’t leave me for another like David did.  I know this doesn’t mean he is looking at porn, idolizing other women, or even considering leaving me- however I feel it is a sign of a void that I should have been able to fill.  I feel inadequate.  I should be the one he drools over, but I know no matter how hard I try, I can never look like those women.  I can never be his true fantasy.  I cannot be all that he wants and desires.  I am imperfect and he sought perfection elsewhere.

Somehow in the back of my head I hoped and dreamed we were different. I know all fairy tails and honeymoons come to an end eventually.  3 years is pretty remarkable really.  I know that everything in this world is temporary, and nothing is truly fulfilling in life except a strong relationship with my Savior.  I don’t have all my hope put in my husband; I know he is fallible.  I know I have done the same and worse.  But it bothers me greatly.  And I know I have to work my way through it, and I am sure I will.  But things won’t be the same.  It’s a small crack that leads to the great chasm below that has been trying to heal for the past 3 years.  I’m afraid too much more will open the hole in my heart again.

I think I have clung to fiercely to the idea of Chip being near perfect for the sake of my sanity.  The past three years have been hell and back with the children.  I have never felt so trapped, so suffocated, and so desperate as I have in my time with them.  Chip has been my strength through everything- knowing that no matter what he is always there for me, always a rock when I’m falling apart.  It’s hard for me to accept that he isn’t perfect and he does mess up- even though I have always known no person is perfect, accepting it as reality is different.  I almost don’t want to accept it, because it makes me lean on him less.  It makes me feel less safe- less secure in our relationship.  I feel like I have been carried through things, and now I am being placed on my own two feet.  I just have to remember how to walk.

O’ beautiful, for spacious skies 
But now those skies are threatening 
They’re beating plowshares into swords 
For this tired old man that we elected king 
Armchair warriors often fail 
And we’ve been poisoned by these fairy tales