Why you make it impossible for me to trust you.

Really?  You want to know why I don’t trust you.  You think it is just about Jay, but really that was just a small sample of your true character.  I cannot trust that you will not sneak out of the house at night and run off with any guy who will take you.  I cannot trust to leave my bedroom unlocked for fear you will steal my clothes, make up, cd’s, perfume.  I cannot trust you to leave the pantry unlocked for fear you will steal all the snacks leaving none for anyone else.  I cannot trust you with knives and sharp objects, for fear you will cut or kill yourself, or just simply try to draw attention to yourself, so I have to lock them up.  I cannot trust you around medications, for fear you will try to overdose to kill yourself, so I have to lock them up.  I cannot trust you around Isaac, for fear you will try to prove to Clay that Isaac cares more for you than him.  I cannot trust you with Eva, for fear you will loose control of your temper, or try to take control when someone other than my self asks to hold her.  I cannot trust what you say with your friends, for you have time and time again been outspoken about sexual relationships and actions, alcohol, and many other things you know are completely inappropriate.  I cannot trust you in social situations for fear you will threaten others and start a fight.  I cannot trust the words that come out of your mouth because so many of them have been straight out lies.  I cannot trust you on the computer as you have proven to look at dating and porn sites, you have continued to communicate with people after you have been warned to never speak to them again, and you access sites at times you have been told not to.  I cannot trust you with your school work, as you have frequently not cared and failed for simply not even trying to turn in your work.  I cannot trust you to even go to school if I am not there to make you, as you have proven that you will skip school. The list goes on and on…

All of these things prove a threat to me and the rest of the family.  Instead, you seem to think that no one loves you and cannot understand why no one trusts you.  You try to put on a face as if you are perfect and nothing is your fault.  Then when you figure something might be your fault, you go so far extreme that you try to kill yourself.  You try to use others to make you happy, but truly, it is within your own heart that your deception lies, and in your own heart where your sin weighs on you and destroys your happiness.  I will tell you again and again, there is not one person or thing on this earth that can make you continually happy.  The things in this earth are trivial, and pass quickly.  They do not and will not last.  The love that you seek is supposed to come from God and your family- not from a boy you barely know.  You cannot find eternal love and commitment from a boy at your age.  You cannot expect someone to be your slave and try to fix you.  Only you can fix you.  Only you can change who you are.  You have people who want to help you and who wanted to try to guide you through this- but it is never enough for you.  You think that someone only loves you if they give you your way.  You think that love is about holding hands or having sex.  You think that life is easy for everyone else and that you are the only one in the world with big problems.  The problem is, you never look outside of yourself to see the real world.  You look at movies and within your own heart to try to understand love, and then you are confused and hurt when you can’t find anyone to solve your problems for you.

The problem is, the two people who are trying to fight for you, and losing hope and starting to give up.  Soon you will be alone in your fight.  Then what?