low on hope

I hate to even write this post, but I have to learn to be honest with myself.  After two years of being together, Chip has finally done something that annoys me.  Not like just a small little fly buzzing around my head type of annoy.  Annoy may be a euphemism for something stronger, like- pisses me off.

I get tired of his passive aggressive behavior.  I all came to a point last night when he was taking the dog out.  For some reason, our dog has grown terrified of him, and pees on the floor when he sees him.  For the most part, I think this is strange and our dog is having an extreme reaction to normal punishment.  However, Chip only seems to make this worse, as every time this happens he gets super pissed and hits the dog.  Last night pushed it over the edge though, as he came in fuming and told me he just hit the dog in the head – out of anger type hit- for peeing when he walked in the room.  Then, when he went to clean it up, the dog started to pee again, and he then threw the paper towel roll at him rather hard.  Granted, this is not a small dog at all, and neither of my husbands actions probably hurt him much, if at all.  The point it- the dog is terrified of him, then when he shows how scared he is, Chip just secures that fear by continuing in threatening behavior. Originally when we got the dog, Chip had said, this will be my dog.  I will take care of it- I will do everything for it.  He had been wanting a dog for a very long time, and I had kept saying no because we have so much on our plate right now.  We have two mentally unstable teenagers who are in and out of mental institutions at the time, we have a stubborn 3 year old who is just entering his terrible two’s, and at the time, I was 6 months pregnant.  In addition to this, Chip got a job in another state which left us separated during the very end of my pregnancy, and then moving to a new state just days before giving birth (though it turned out I gave birth the day of the move).  So yea, things have been stressful.  What sold me?  I have been told having a dog is therapeutic- it can calm you and lower your blood pressure.  In addition, this breed of dog is supposed to be an excellent guard dog- very calm and never attacking but able to separate two fighting people and pin one to the wall until help comes.  This was a selling point for me as at the time my two teenagers were physically violent and I felt unsafe in my home.

So, fast forward 9 months later- and here I am.  A stay at home mom with a 3 month baby, my terrible toddler who refuses to be potty trained and constantly is defiant of household rules.  A teenage daughter who continually is suicidal with anxiety attacks and hallucinations that have been landing her in the ER in the middle of the night.  Then there’s the oppositionally defiant, adhd, angry, and just pissed off teenage son who acts as if he should have to do nothing to be a part of the family and who should be served everything on a silver platter.  And now in addition I am taking full time care of a puppy who can chew up a couch in a matter of minutes and has poop accidents comparable to the size of horse poop.

But the incident with the dog was just the tip of the ice burg.  It’s his attitude toward the kids that bothers me most.  It’s that everything is mine to deal with. He is so far removed to protect himself, but he forgets that I am in the middle of the mess trying to pull the kids out, while he is just sitting on the sidelines watching it all unravel.  Yes, he will take them to the ER in the case of an emergency, or pick up their prescriptions from walgreens, but any emotional support is completely missing.  All he does is encourage me to give up.  It is my job to talk things out with the kids, to discipline and follow through with treatment plans.  In a lot of ways, I feel like I am the only parent they have.  I am the one who is killing myself to keep everyone together and sane.

It makes me miss the days in east nashville when it was just me and Isaac.  Yes, we had just come through some really rough times.  But it was simple.  No one trying to kill themselves.  No one trying to kill anyone else.  I had enough money to pay my bills and have good food on the table.  I was able to spend quality time with the kid I loved.  It was alone and happy, there was no one that could hurt me, no one who could ruin my day.

I guess I am running low on hope.