How much longer?

Sometimes I think it will never end.  I wonder if everyone’s life is like this.  Every now and then I meet someone who seems to have a perfectly charmed life.  Though I guess it s all a matter of comparison and perspective.  I wonder how much more I can take before I lose it though.  If you had asked me 3 years ago, I would have told you I wanted children- I wanted 4.  Now I’m wondering why in the world God ever made me a mother.  Even more so, a mother to two psychotic teenagers (I’m not exaggerating, they have been diagnosed).  I know for every negative thing in my life, God always gives me a way out.  Chip has been my anchor for the past year- and has held me in place through the whirlwind of insanity.  But after a while I start to remember, as I listed in a previous post, that no person, place or thing is ever going to be what can make me happy- it has to come from inside me.  I am reminded of this, as I recently told my suicidal 14 year old this.  And it rings true in my life still today.  The problem?  It seems that while those exterior factors cannot make me permanently happy or content, they seem to be able to make me miserable in an instant.  It makes me want to go run and hide in a cave.  It makes me think I am losing my mind.  It makes me feel like a terrible mother when I feel like seeing or speaking to my children kills whatever little bit of soul I have left.

I feel like I am dying inside, and have been for a while now.  It is only now though that I am reaching a critical level.  I have no hope left for these children.  I am starting to accept that I have done all I can- and it is only a matter of time before they either kill someone, kill themselves, get pregnant, OD on drugs, or commit a crime that will leave them in prison.  Sadly, this is no exaggeration.  I am starting to accept that genes may play a larger role and any positive environment I could ever provide.  I am believing more and more every day that stupidity is strongly genetic.  As well a psychological diseases.

My sympathy for the ill can only last so long before I start to become ill myself.  It then turns to anger, then simply depression.

I am at the end of my rope; I don’t see how we can coexist for 4 more years.

I am feeling overwhelmed and trapped.  I have run out of options, and the longer I am around this, the deeper I am buried.  Eventually it will smother me.  On days like today, I just want to create my own funeral plans.  I feel that while I may not take my own life- I feel like this stress will destroy my body and I will soon be a pile of ash.