Hidden treasures

I have been feeling sentimental tonight.  Probably all the sappy music I’ve been listening to, but so many different songs bring different memories of the experiences in my past.  So many sweet memories.  Even in relationships that did not last, there were some beautiful moments within them that I will always treasure.  I am not one to see things as black and white- each relationship I have been in brought me to where I am today- a journey that I am proud of and has been both beautiful and tough.  I wonder- will I end up like my father and lose these memories?  Will I die and my children wonder what romantic escapades I had before I me their father?  I have been blessed to have so many chances to love and be in relationships with some incredible people.

December 5th, 2001 was a night I will always remember. I had never had a boyfriend, and was only just starting to think about dating. Somehow, two people I cared about decided it was the night to declare their interest.  I have never been so torn to decide.

For many reasons, I decided to date the boy who I had known for a short time, but who I wanted to get to know better.  He was sweet- a pastor’s son.  I met his family and quickly fell in love with him and them.  He was my first love- I thought it would be forever.  I remember having braces and brushing thoroughly every night just in case it would be the night of the first kiss.  It eventually came and went without too much fuss, and the chemistry stopped there- for me anyway.  Looking back I think he may have been interested in more, and I was oblivious.  I would have given him the world had he asked. He had me hook, line and sinker.  He gave me the most romantic valentine’s day I have ever had.  Card, chocolate, roses, and a picnic underneath the stars at Camp Weed, a place that was sentimental to him.  He made me a CD with music that I still love.  One song in particular, I have not been able to find again, and the CD barely plays it now days.  Just like our relationship, it faded away.  It took me years to get over the 5  month relationship I had with him.  I never knew love like that, and I never will again.  It was sweet and innocent. I still remember so many things- visiting his family and feeling like I was home. Watching TV so many nights together. Sitting under the stars and eating olive garden. Him bringing me a BK milkshake when I was struggling with my school work. He was thoughtful and sweet. He was gentle and kind.  He was a strong Christian, he was dark haired and a teddy bear- my type at the time.  He was everything I wanted, and I let him slip away from me without a fight- something I regretted for so many years.  While the memories are becoming more and more vague, they formed the foundation of what I knew of love.

Then comes December 2002.  I was curious about what I had missed out in December 2001.  What if’s haunted me, and I was looking for someone to fill the void that my first love left behind. I had not lost contact with my other guy friend in all this time, and he was still at the front of my mind.  He was always persistent.  Always eager to try to prove himself to me.  I figured there was no better time to give him a try.  It was instant chemistry.  But I had known him for so long, throughout high school, and now as a sophomore in college, I still couldn’t wrap my head around being with someone like him.  While he was tall and cute, he wasn’t intellectually interesting, he wasn’t strong in his faith, and I never could understand his family or connect with the foundation of who he was.   We many romantic encounters, however.  He was always passionate- he was the first guy to make me think about sex.  We fooled around, but never went all the way, which I have been grateful for so many times.  He was an amazing friend, but not someone I could ever see settling down with and having a family.  He was military- I didn’t want to be without my significant other.  He showered me with gifts and affection.  Diamond encrusted jewelry.  Necklaces, bracelets, a watch, flowers, chocolates, stuffed animals, romantic dinners out.  It was everything a girl could want.  We danced under the stars on the battleship we had volunteered to help restore.   We had many passionate sessions- it was overwhelming.  But I still remembered my first love and couldn’t get him out of my mind. I still yearned for him- for what I couldn’t have.  And I kept feeling there was something I was missing.  On paper, the relationship was perfect, but there was something deep that was missing. I had high expectations to be challenged intellectually and spiritually, and in that respect, there was absolutely nothing there.   After breaking up, he walked several miles in the pouring rain with a bouquet of flowers to ask me to reconsider.  He couldn’t let me go.  Years later he told me he couldn’t go to my wedding (about 5 years after we broke up) because it was too upsetting.  It broke my heart to see what I did to him, but I couldn’t bring myself to be with someone I couldn’t love with every part of me.  I still had expectations of perfection, and he wasn’t it for me.  I felt I had wronged him greatly, and regretted putting him through that- but I didn’t know how else to handle it.

Somehow in all of that break-up, I decided I needed to not date for a year.  I don’t know why I chose a year, or a time-but I felt I needed to make a promise to God and be held accountable by my church group.  I felt I had gotten into so much mess with my previous relationship that I couldn’t be trusted to date again until I had time to get my head on straight (which I guess I felt a year was enough?). How naive of me to make such a declaration.  Instead of helping, it brought me feel secure that no boys would approach me or put me in a situation where I would need to decide on a relationship.  Then enters my now ex-husband and his roommate at the time.  Roommate and I get along phenomenally.  He’s smart, cute, nerdy, and has a sexy accent.  He’s also respectful and kind- enough to understand not to put any pressure on me to be in a relationship.  Little did I know he was even interested until my roommates tell me in some child-like middle school type conversation, i.e., oooo he has a crush on you!!.  Roommate never does tell me how he feels.  An in the meantime, I’m talking up a storm to now ex-husband. He’s intellectually amazing and we have great conversations.  He’s funny, and obviously, I feel he knows I am off limits and would respect that.  He’s not even my type, I tell myself as we flirted.  I had an ideal man in my head, and he wasn’t it.  I had nothing to think about I told myself.  We went out and hung out regularly, with roommate and ex, and my roommates as well.  It was a big crazy summer.  I was being social, something my roommates had to encourage me to do.  I thought this was how it worked.  Somehow, come fall, I moved out of that apartment where the social scene was.  And ex followed, as well as roommate.   I can’t tell you what happened.  When I decided to give up my year long promise.  When I decided I was interested in ex- the broken boy who just needed love.

I remember watching anime in bed and eating ice cream.  I remember the first time- december 5th, 2003. I remember the first night we slept together- actually staying up so late talking we fell asleep sitting up.  I remember the whole church being in an uproar for dating him.  Leaving the church, my friends, everyone over such a “scandall”.  I remember so many people telling me he was untrustworthy.  And the more I heard, the more I wanted him.  He made me feel something- what I couldn’t tell you.  In the mean time, roommate is crushed.  But I will never forget visiting him in his dorm.  He insisted on carrying my heavy nursing books. I remember getting them off the top bunk and him putting his arms around me as standing behind me to get the books first- made my heart speed up really fast.  Made me think about him for a while.  But he was uncomfortably nerdy- beyond what was cute.  And I remember ex telling me that roommate had told him he thought I was “the one”.  Looking back, I wonder how ex could have in good consciousness pursued me. But that’s how he was, selfish and narcissistic.  I will always remember those strong arms around me, and wishing there was more.  Wishing for a split moment things were different- that I didn’t have to go back home and be with ex.  Wishing I could give him a chance.  But I never did.  Ex and I had a toxic relationship I could never seem to break free from.  It was like I was drugged.  I couldn’t seem to breathe without him, but being with him was killing me slowly. I experienced such depression and anxiety in ways I had never known.  In our time together we did things that should have been romantic- from the proposal in NYC, to trip to Italy, Spain, Germany, Paris— but it was never romantic.  It was frantic, frustrating, and exhausting.  I completed many bucket list items- but they were all heartless and empty.  There were good times of trying beer in the beer gartens, having cappuccinos and gelato in Italy.  But underneath it was always stressful.  I don’t remember any hot and steamy moments.  Even when dating. Everything felt forced- like there was no other option, no other ways to be happy outside of him.  It was him or nothing.  And so we married and had a child- because it was what was right.  It wasn’t always bad- but was status quo.  My ideals of what a man should be fell apart, and I found reality. I was intent on helping someone who was always in love with someone else.  I don’t know if he ever really loved me.

In the middle of dating, before marrying, I tried to break it off.  He had been in love with someone else the whole time, and I knew it.  It was his opportunity to close that door, and be with her.  It was my opportunity to get fresh air and try to escape from the hold he had on me.  In the mean time, my good friend from high school had an accident and ended up paralyzed and in the hospital for months.  I was there by his side immediately.  He was an amazing boy.  I had visited before his accident and felt chemistry, another time where I had wished I wasn’t with ex- that things could be different.  I knew he was interested in me- he had said so many times “if there was a version of you here in …., this would be perfect”.  He wanted me to move back home, something I could never imagine myself doing.  He was sweet- a boy who loved his family, loved the lord, had a similar foundation as I did.  We understood each other- he understood me and my love for music in a way no one else in this life ever has.  He was in band with me, he understood so much of what was important to me.  As soon as he was injured, there was no other place I wanted to be but by his side.  Through the chaos, I found he was even more amazing.  He was strong.  Never angry, always trusting God with his future.  Always calm.  There were so so so many times I wanted to kiss him.  So many times I wanted to be with him, but he never made any moves.  I didn’t know if he felt the same way as I did.  I had put him to the side for so long, I think he gave up on me.  I remember the last time I visited him in the hospital.  July 4th.  I remember sitting beside him looking out the window as the sun was going down.  Trying to get the courage to kiss him and tell him how I felt. But I never could.  I remember driving away as the fireworks were going off. It was a final farewell to that opportunity in my life.  I was returning back to my home, back to where ex was.  And ex persistently visited me even when I asked him to leave me alone.  He didn’t listen.  He harassed me until I gave in and returned to the previous sick relationship I had been brainwashed to follow.

Not long after I resigned myself to marrying ex.  Soon after I was pregnant.  A year later we divorced when I found he was dating someone else.  I moved out of the state.  I knew if I was going to escape the relationship I had to go far.  I knew he would hunt me down again and plead for me back if I were near.  I knew I couldn’t do it again.  I didn’t want to be in that place ever again.  I don’t know if I could have lived much longer like that.  I have never considered running away or killing myself as many times as I did when in that relationship.  It was toxic and I didn’t even see it fully at the time.

I moved close to my family.  On a dare I signed up for eharmony, and met the man of my dreams.  All of those expectations and wishes for the “perfect man” were somehow fulfilled.  After 2 dates I knew he was someone I was interested in, by the end of the week, I knew he was someone I wanted to be with forever.  I remember him in his tan knit sweater sitting on the couch and asking if I would be ok with putting our eharmony accounts on hold.  I nearly laughed because I had done that after date 2. I remember our first kiss by the front door- he was so shy- I was wondering if I would have to go first. I remember late nights sitting on the bed in my duplex listening to music, talking about any and everything.  I remember cuddling on the couch watching scrubs and better off ted. I remember BK breakfasts in the early hours.  I remember sneaking out so the kids wouldn’t know.  I remember meeting my future son at church for the first time.  I remember stealing kisses so the kids wouldn’t see.  I remember steamy kisses in the barn, being covered in spider webs and not caring.  I remember sitting at the corner of the property, staring into the distance with the strong breeze blowing and realizing he was my future.  I remember lazy Sunday afternoons lying in bed at his apartment watching the pine trees sway.  I remember feeling home at last.  After all my journies, my hopes and failed dreams- I had finally found my prince. There was chemistry, he loved God, he showed me love in sacrificing his time and energy for me.  He understood my odd quirks.  He never made fun of me, never belittled me.  He built me up, made me feel whole again, after being broken for so long.  He brought me back to life.  He still does.  He is my joy and my life.  He is my reason for being in many ways.  He is my strength and my rock.  I have never been able to be completely open, broken, and vulnerable with anyone like I have with him.  I remember experiencing deep postpartum depression and feeling trapped.  I couldn’t talk about it- I was raised to not discuss such things.  But he figured it out without me saying a word.  I remember crying in bed, and him pulling me into his arms.  Not judging me, but being there with me in my moment of weakness.   Like in what dreams may come- he would go to hell to be with me in my misery.  He offered me help, gave me the support in every way he could.  He pulled me through that.  He believes in me when I have given up on myself.  He is incredibly handsome and strong and shows me love that reflects the love of God.  He has been my knight and shining armor.  Not just in the honeymoon phase, but as a constant steady love that never fails and never ends.  I have been so incredibly blessed.  I adore him, and his family.  He was home I didn’t know I was missing and didn’t know existed until I found him.  We have been through hell and back, and there is no one else on earth I would rather do it with.  I would do it all over again to be with him.


So much brought me to today.  Many different opportunities.  Different treasured memories that I hope I can hold close until I die.  I look back on these memories, the good, and the bad and am so greatful for them all.

I realize this is basically a summary of the years of enteries I have had before, but wanted to get it put down tonight in this fasion.  I hope my children will find the love as I have.  I hope they will never give up on love, never give up on the perfect person for them.  I hope one day they will find it.


I don’t write in here much any more. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.  Maybe I don’t have as many ghosts haunting me in my life any more– or maybe I have just too many to keep track of — or maybe they have finally won.


It’s after midnight and I still can’t sleep.

Today I feel inadequate.  It’s not that I have royally messed anything up.  It happens every time David comes- but is usually fleeting.  Tonight I feel I have a thousand demons whispering in my ear all my failures and disappointments.  Every moment in my life where I have not been good enough, by other people’s measures, or even my own.  Usually other people though.

They tell me through their actions.  David leaving.  Elisa being crazy enough and using me up, then leaving over and over. Chip being removed.  Friends moving on without me.  People being two faced.  Failed attempts at current friendships.  I just can’t cut it.  It seems to grow as I get older.  People find exactly who they want in their lives and I’m left behind.  I try to keep up, but I honestly can’t seem to manage.

Usually I don’t care too much, but tonight it eats at me.

There are people out there that make more money, have a phd, feed their kids the best organic health food around, exercise every day, have a perfect body, have a perfect marriage, have the perfect children who behave as they should and do amazing in sports and school. Those mom’s with the perfect hair and bodies, who have amazing success at home and at work… and probably in bed too.

And I wish I were them.  But I don’t hate myself that I’m not.

And then there are those who have less than I do.  Those with little education, who are fatter, slower, with lives that are falling apart.  Who never have had a good marriage, a good family.  Who never have had a stable job, a decent house, a well fed and educated child  Those who never get laid and always struggle to make ends meet.

And I don’t think less of them- they usually just got the raw end of the deal.

But there I am somewhere in between.  I can’t win.  I’m not perfect. I will never earn the respect of David.  I don’t have the power to wake Chip out of his depression.  I don’t have the power to help my Mom take care of my Dad in his illness.  I cannot change my sister’s mental illness.  I can not change my child’s mental awareness or intelligence, or natural abilities.  I cannot seem to find the discipline to exercise every day, my sex life is barely alive, and I’m getting fatter with every waking moment.  Yet I despise that in all this mess I am not enough.  Even if I were in that perfect group of women out there who have it all together, I think I would still feel as if I were not enough.

Because no matter what, I cannot change other people and how I am in their lives.

Again, I must say- I have no power in how other people view me.  Or should I say very limited power.

No matter what I do, the people I have in my life will still be the same.  Even if I got my phD and went to the moon, David would not respect me or regret what he did.  Even if I were a hot mama and had a perfect home and job, Chip would be depressed and not give me a second look.  Even if I were the most continually caring and loving sister in the world, my sister would not be able to keep a relationship with me.  I cannot keep every friend close that I have ever had for the rest of my life and expect to be a part of their lives forever.

Keriann got married and didn’t even notify me.  Not sure why this bothers me since we haven’t talked in years.

David told me that he and his fiance are pregnant.  Not sure why this bothers me- I’m not jealous.  But I guess it proves that it wasn’t having a baby that drove him away.  It was simply me.

I guess I need to accept that other people will find me inadequate.  That others will find my weaknesses and my failures and put them under the magnifying glass for me to see.

It makes me want to go and hide.  Or have compulsive thoughts of harming myself.

I thank the lord that while I may have a crazy side of my head that tells me I am not good enough and I should just go kill myself– there is a very logical side of my mind that wins every time that tells me that is insane and these are lies and exaggerated truths that cannot be believed and are not worth something as big as my life.

But nights like tonight I feel small and insignificant.  In a few hours, the sun will rise and my mind will be occupied with one million things that must get done in the day- these thoughts will go away despite the hole that is in my heart.

The hole will probably never go away, it cycles between healing and being ripped open again over and over.  But so that is how life works.

I remember going to a women’s group at church and having an older group of women come visit us.  They remarked how optimistic we were.  Not naive, but simply how positive.  How much life, vitality, and fight we had.  I thought that was odd at that time.  But I am starting to see the truth in that.  The older I get, the less fight I have. The less life I have left in me.

Oh, to be young and innocent again.  To not know the pain of life.

But through my pain I will grow stronger, tougher.

I will be a tough old bird when my time comes to die.  Let’s just hope I have a long time to go still.



My lessons on marriage

I have been through a crappy marriage that ended in divorce.  The more relationships I see in my life, the more I see the themes of what makes a marriage that doesn’t last.  And somehow, I have been incredibly blessed to have a second chance at marriage.  While it’s not perfect, it makes it all the more clear what was so terribly wrong with my other relationships.

  1. Be able to share your dreams and be taken seriously. Even the craziest ones you know will never become a reality, but you still dream them anyway.  Don’t  be afraid to express them.  He should hold them just as dear as you do, even if he doesn’t understand them, he can understand how you treasure them
  2. Even greater, he believes in my dreams no matter how crazy they are because he thinks I am somehow incredible enough to accomplish them and make them happen.  There is nothing too preposterous, too ridiculous that  I could dream that would make him think I am crazy
  3.  He didn’t marry me (and vice versa) because, “why not?”, or “I just don’t want to be lonely”.  Instead, it becomes a matter of, I cannot imagine my life being spent with anyone else.  I cannot imagine breathing without him by my side.
  4. He is my other half.  Not that I cannot be alone.  I have, and can have periods of time without him and make it just fine.  But there is a piece of my heart, my soul that is missing when he is gone. There is a piece of me that I found when we met, that I didn’t know existed, but once it was found, I cannot let go.
  5. He is my best friend. This sounds corny, but in all honesty- we have found new hobbies together, and continue to change and grow together.  We can do things apart, but in our foundation, we are always joined.  I care about what he cares about- if for no other reason but because I see how happy it makes him.  It is one of the greatest joys in my life to make him happy.  To see him genuinely smile and laugh and be at peace within himself is what fills my heart.
  6. He is honest.  In the good and the bad.  We talk about the good things, we dream and plan together, but we also hash out the hard stuff.  The disagreements, the disappointments.  We disappoint each other. We are human, fallen sinners.  But at the end of the day, I would rather live with the disappointments than without him.  And even more important, in these  solemn talks, we learn about each others weakness, see each other’s vulnerabilities, and shore up the weakness in our relationship to ensure we don’t crack or break.
  7. He challenges me to become a better person.  He sees my weakness, my struggles.  He never makes me feel lesser because of them.  Instead he provides me everything I need to work through them, get through them and come out on the other side ahead.  He has faith in me that even in my weakness, I will not quit.  He is there to carry me to the finish line if need be, but I will overcome, and finish.
  8. We are a team. No matter what life brings us, no matter what troubles or issues, we know at the end we will get through it together.  There is no purpose in pointing fingers, belittling, or trying to be bigger than the other.  By raising each other up we can get through the muck of life.
  9. We always see each other as greater then ourselves. My husband is everything.  I know he is not perfect, but I dwell on the one million things that are amazing about him, and how blessed I am that he chose to spend his life with me.  I have my favorite fairy tale memories of our dating that I constantly reflect on and form my image of who he is.  Yes,this gets littered with the nitty dirty things of life, but the positive pillars still stand.  Always.
  10. He has taught me how to be honest with myself and my emotions.  It’s ok to be depressed.  It’s ok to be angry.  It’s ok to be annoyingly happy.  It’s ok to feel whatever it is I feel.  Don’t hide it, don’t pretend to be something other than what I am today.  Talk about it, reach out for help if need be.  It’s ok to want to be alone, it’s ok to need a shoulder to cry on, it’s ok to talk incessantly about the new exciting things in my life. He is always on the other end whatever it is I am going through. Don’t be afraid of vulnerability.
  11. He is my safe haven. No matter what I have said or done, I am safe with him.  There is nothing I can do to make him not love me.  There is nothing he could do to stop me from loving him.  It is his nature to be true, honest and loyal.  It is a part of who he is that makes me trust him.  Not just a promise made with human lips that fades with time, but an enduring vow from the heart of his soul that continues for eternity.
  12. Pick your battles.  What really matters in life?  What is such a huge issue that it is worth challenging your relationship?  I’m not saying never challenge things, but choose wisely.  Most things in life aren’t worth fighting over.  most things will be forgotten my tomorrow, or next week.  It is the things that are foundation breaking, heart changing that deserve a fight.  Not the silly things that will be so soon forgotten anyway.
  13. Value and respect each other’s heart. Don’t play games. Don’t try to bring out emotions that weren’t there to begin with.  Don’t attempt to change each other.  I love him because of who he was the day I met him, and who he is today.  I will love him tomorrow and the day after, no matter how he changes or who he decides to be.  I know I will because of the pattern of his past. He is easy to love.  He is easy to live with.
  14. Marriage doesn’t have to be hard.  It is the greatest joy and happiness in my life. It has it’s moments of strife, but they are few and far between. Don’t ever settle.  Know what is important to you and stick to it. DON”T SETTLE.  Don’t think all women are bitchy, all men are pushy.  Don’t accept the stereotype and think that is normal or ok. Never settle for less than your dream.

The sun is rising


I have been thinking of you this morning.  Thinking of a phone conversation we had not too long ago.  Some things you said resonated with me- what I have felt in the past about “what should have been”.  Maybe you have heard these things, maybe you already know them and hold them true, but I wanted to share with you my thoughts and struggles with my “what should have been”.

You and everyone else knows my history of my divorce and crazy step children.  The drama has been out there for the world to see, just as what seems to be going on with you and Dad.  But what is not as easily seen or understood is the storm of emotions and feelings that go along with it all.  The feelings of loss and betrayal.  Losing what I thought I knew to be true and what I had placed all my bets on.  Losing my investments of time and heart.  It is so easy to get bitter and lost in the feelings of being cheated out of what I worked so hard to achieve.  To feel like all is lost. To feel angry. To feel lost in what feels like an endless black whole of depression and emptiness.  I think these are normal feelings- to ask God, “why me”?  To be at a loss for understanding.  Not knowing where to move and feeling smothered by the whirlwind of negative.

And in all of my struggles- I have had to learn the humbling lesson- this life is not about me.  It never has been about me.  What I have been given is a blessing for today, but never guaranteed to last.  I can plan- but my plans are just dreams that often never come true.  The only thing that holds true is that God has always been there to catch me.  When all of my world has been taken out from under me, he has given me what I need.  Not what I want, but what I need.  A person to give me a hug, a prayer.  A day, hour, or minute, sometimes just a second- to be able to catch my breath and see the hope of the sun shining through all the mess surrounding me.  And in that moment, that second- I am able to see that this is passing, and my feelings of hopelessness are not from God.  There is a world outside of the dark cloud- and all there is to do it to hold God’s hand and take one step at a time.  Pretending to know how things are going to turn out has proven wrong over and over.  As soon as I have planned and expected something, it seems I have had it taken away.  It is as if God forces me to rely only on him.  There is no one and nothing in this world that bring me peace and assurance.  It is in times of darkness God brings me back to my foundation of faith.

I want to encourage you not to lose heart. You have a hope and a future.  Sometimes the bravest thing of all is hope.  You are not alone.  I love you.


There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3


Blessings- Laura Story


By Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise


What Do I Know of Holy

By Addison Road

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven but I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small, I never feared You at all, no
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes, could I behold You?

What do I know of You who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood but the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were might to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of You who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood but the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life it’s name?
What do I know of holy of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name on earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

What do I know of You who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood but the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

-Addison Road


The Sun Is Rising

By Brit Nicole

When life has cut too deep and left you hurting
The future you had hoped for is now burning
And the dreams you held so tight lost their meaning
And you don’t if you’ll ever find the healing

You’re gonna make it
You’re gonna make it
And the night can only last for so long

Whatever you’re facing
If your heart is breaking
There’s a promise for the ones who just hold on
Lift up your eyes and see
And the sun is rising

And the sun is rising
Sun is rising
And the sun is rising

Every high and every low you’re gonna go through
You don’t have to be afraid I am with you (I am with you)
In the moments you’re so weak you feel like stopping
Let the hope you have light the road you’re walking

You’re gonna make it
You’re gonna make it
The night can only last for so long

Whatever you’re facing
If your heart is breaking
There’s a promise for the ones who just hold on
Lift up your eyes and see
The sun is rising

And even when you can’t imagine how
How you’re ever gonna find your way out
Even when you’re drabbling in your doubt
Just look beyond the clouds

The sun is rising
The sun is rising
Just look beyond the clouds
The sun is rising
The sun is rising

Whatever you’re facing
If your heart is breaking
There’s a promise for the ones who just hold on
Lift up your eyes and see
The sun is rising

The sun is rising
The sun is rising yeah
The sun is rising ooh oh
Yeah yeah

Even when you can’t imagine how
How you’re ever gonna find your way out
Even when you’re drowning in your doubt
Just look beyond the clouds

Even when you can’t imagine how
How you’re ever gonna find your way out
Even when you’re drowning in your doubt
Just look beyond the clouds

-Brit Nicole

other rant, another day.

I guess dear diary is my therapist when I need to get thing off my chest.  I just need a cleansing stream of consciousness entry.  Cleanse my mind and my burdened being.  I feel so heavy.  It just grows and grows.  I think I get stronger some days, but it is  only because I am having more and more shit piled on.  The counselor thinks it is focusing on the bad to delete my countdown- maybe it is.  I am the one seeking help, not her.  She is the one with the degree, not me.  But on days like today, I would love to see the number of days left until I am done.  But I guess even still I will never know exactly how  long that is.  Is it when he turns 18?  When he graduates from college?  Next week, month?  Who knows.  Clay is the wild card that keeps our family unstable, unpredictable, and dangerously precarious.  There is no regard for rules, no respect of authority.  Not one bit of giving a shit about anything I ask him to do.  Clay, please turn off the tv when doing homework.  He says ok.  And then the tv stays on.  Clay, please turn down the tv (when it is blaring), he turns it down one notch.  Clay, your bedtime is 9, he doesn’t care when we come home at 9 30 and he is still up.  Whatever.  It doesn’t matter.  I have no control of my own house.  I have enough trouble trying to keep a stable environment for the younger kids, let alone for myself.  I miss living in a bubble.   Naviety is what it was really.  Not knowing what it is like to have children, to require a schedule, be someone constantly dependable, constantly on call.  And then to have a step child with psychiatric issues who doesn’t give a fuck what you say and purposely breaks the rules just simply to piss me off.

And I tell myself, well at least he isn’t planning on killing someone this time.  At least he isn’t getting put away again. But I see that seething anger underneath it all.  The slowly increasing boil that is about to overflow out of control.   And then I wish it was more obvious, that he would get out until he made the decision to be a better person.  To go the ways of his sisters and live in a mental home.  Just be done with it already.  Stop fucking up my life, and my family’s lives so that you can just be miserable anyway.

I have been blessed with the most amazing husband I could imagine, 2 small children who are my world.  And overshadowing this fairytale life, is this chaos.  I am tired of him yelling at my 5 year old.  Trying to control him both physically and verbally.  I am amazed that my one year old already knows how to tell him no, and stop- to tell him to leave her alone because he is hurting her or frustrating her on purpose.

He loves to piss people off and make them mad.

how am I supposed to support and defend my my family against someone who is supposed to be my family?

How am I supposed to not react, and yet discipline and guide?

How do you help someone who doesn’t want help, who likes being miserable and making everyone else miserable?

It’s been almost 4 years since I have known him.  Only 1.2 more before he turns 18- 2.5 before he gradates h.s.

Can I make it?  Time will tell.

My grave of memories

It’s June 26th.  7 years ago I swore my love to a man I thought I knew, I thought would be there forever.
I remember going on a women’s retreat about 5 years ago with women of all ages.  I remember them commenting on how positive we were (my group of mid 20 to early 30 year olds).  And I remember thinking how sad that was- that time seems to steal your optimism- your hope.  And I have found in the past 7 years that it has done just that.  No matter what good, glorious, amazing things happen, there is still heartache in the midst of it all.  There cannot be good without bad.  The bad times make you appreciate the good times.  I’ve heard it all, I know it all.

I am often amazed that at 31 I have experienced so much crap in my life.  Been abandoned by my sister.  Had a father who was a control freak and never could understand how to care about us.  Married a man who ended up cheating on me and leaving me and my 1 year old, got remarried and had 2 step children with some pretty serious mental health issues that tormented me and my whole family for 2+ years.  It never seems to end.

I wonder what happened to hope- to optimism.  Sure, I know it isn’t all terrible.  I know I have tons of positive, amazing, miraculous even things that have happened in all of this.  But today it reminds me.

I wish I could be innocent again.  I wish I could believe that love lasts forever.  I wish I could believe in the dream of the white picket fence and the perfect family.  I wish that I could reclaim the hope and the heart that I had at that time.  I wish I could reclaim time and take make what should have been, what is.  I wish I could claim my life and have it turn out as I dreamed.  But it seems all dreams die.  They never end like I imagined.  Becoming a wife, a mother, a nurse, a lover…whatever it is.  It cannot be what fulfills me, what propels me and pushes me toward my future.  It never will be enough.  I can never be enough, because I know I cannot make it on my own.

My conscience knew this was coming.  I dreamed last night that I saw pastor Patrick and had to tell him we had divorced.  I was embarrassed at the fact, but he seemed to understand.

I feel like I am writing the same words in the journal over and over again through the years.

It’s the eternal disappointment in myself.  In others.  The falling through the cracks, falling down and then struggling to get back up just to do it all over again.

Both the greatest and saddest advice I have ever been given “everything comes to an end sometime.”


And this today is the anniversary of the beginning of the biggest and loudest end in my life.  Or maybe it is just the beginning of one of many.  But I wish I could go back, wear that white dress in innocence.  Eat the cake, laugh at the jokes, feel beautiful and wanted and surrounded by love and support in a way that creates a forever memory.

Not have names that are ghosts seared into my memory, memories that I stumble on and try to rinse out of my mind as if it were a disease.  Memories that seem to eat at my soul and my joy.

I never counted on this.  On life being like this.  Not sure exactly what I thought, but I always pictured something a bit more magical, more ethereal.

I wonder if people realize the footprints they have left in my life.  There are so many- yet so many hurt, many are bittersweet.  I miss the sweet.  I want to wish for innocence again, but at the same time I hate it.

ug, I can’t express it right.  I can’t understand my own mind.  I can’t feel it right.  Instead I become a basket of emotions that doesn’t make sense to anyone, even myself.  I can’t know how to feel.  Sad, mad, vindictive, apathetic.

I guess I just need to lay some flowers on this grave.  Remember.  And move on.

response to my ex-daughter

Hey, Chip this is Brynn. I’m emailing because you or Donna are not answering your phones. Any way I was wondering if you could keep me updated on the placement. Also could you possibly bring all of my belongings here to Deveruex. Seeming I’m not coming home I would rather have my stuff here and able to be accessed. I was hoping you could come to visit me here before I discharge. And could you possibly bring my stuff within a couple days of you getting this email? (If it fits into your schedule) One of the staff here is wanting to take me out shopping to thrift stores and I was wondering if you could send some money so I can get a few things. Anyway thank you and please keep me updated. I am only on two meds now too and am hopefully going to work my way off of those, too. I was told to communicate more with you guys so I just wanted to say this…  I felt hurt when you guys didn’t visit me for my birthday. I felt like I had gotten slapped in the face when they said you had just dropped off a present and left. I just feel confused. I told you guys I still love you all and I want to keep in contact with you, I just don’t feel like being with you is right for me. And it seems to me that you all have been avoiding me and keeping your distance. I would just like to know why. Anyway I hope to hear back from you soon.


                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Your daughter,


My response:


Hi Brynn,

Your placement has not been settled yet, but I assure you that you will know what the plan is when we have it all settled.  As far as your belongings, Devereux made it clear when you were admitted that there is a limit to the amount of belongings you can have there, so we have not brought them all.  When we know where you will be going, you will get all of your things, as there are a lot.  If you have something in particular you would like, we could drop it off to you in the mean time.  I am glad you are doing well there.  I am glad you are on only two medications and seem to be happy.

Let me be honest about our contact.  I myself (Donna) refrain from having contact with you for multiple reasons.  The time that I spent with you has been rocky, at best.  The stress and difficulty that came into the family when you arrived was huge- though it could have been managed had you been willing to seek the help we offered you.  Instead we were stabbed in the back over and over, while you put not only yourself, but our whole family at risk.  I have felt completely betrayed by you and your actions over the past 2 years.  It is a matter of self protection that I have limited contact with you.  This applies even more so to your contact with Clay, Isaac, and Eva.  I would never ever intentionally put them in harm’s way.  I would never expose them to something that could destroy them.  I feel like I have not been able to trust you with yourself, let alone with my fragile family.  I cannot in my right mind allow you to have influence and an impact on those I love when you have proven to me to destroy and harm us in the past.  I feel we did all we could for your birthday.  I want you to do well.  I want you to be successful in your future.  It will just take me a long time to be able to trust you with much of anything.  I cannot be manipulated and played again by you.  Having been separated has made my head clearer, and made my emotions more reasonable.  I know that having a relationship with you would require a lot of mending and work- and that is something I am still not ready to do.  I still feel drained and tired from our time together.  I feel completely used up and unable to provide you with anything more.  I feel I gave you everything I had to try to make you better- to make it work to keep your in our family, and you spit on it and threw it away.  While you may have said you loved us and wanted contact with us, the two years you were with us you gave us clear constant reminders that you wanted nothing to do with our family unless we would give you exactly wanted.  I felt that if we did not allow you to use us as your pawns, you would then hate us and throw a tantrum to get what you wanted.

At this point there is nothing left for me to sacrifice for you.  I cannot give you more of myself than I already have.  Since you spent 2 years declaring how horrible life with us was, I find it hard to believe that a few months at Devereux would sincerely change that.  I am sorry if you want more from me.  Maybe one day I will find more strength and be able to give you something more.  But right now I am exhausted and ready for some fresh air.




The end of innocence

I knew it would happen some day.  A small crack in the diamond of our relationship.  The man who “only sees me” looked at a sports illustrated swimsuit ad.  No big deal for most people and most relationships.  Except it was contrary to what he always said to reassure me. Contrary to what he has had me believe (an overcome my doubts that he could be that perfect). To promise me that I was the only one he wanted, that he wouldn’t leave me for another like David did.  I know this doesn’t mean he is looking at porn, idolizing other women, or even considering leaving me- however I feel it is a sign of a void that I should have been able to fill.  I feel inadequate.  I should be the one he drools over, but I know no matter how hard I try, I can never look like those women.  I can never be his true fantasy.  I cannot be all that he wants and desires.  I am imperfect and he sought perfection elsewhere.

Somehow in the back of my head I hoped and dreamed we were different. I know all fairy tails and honeymoons come to an end eventually.  3 years is pretty remarkable really.  I know that everything in this world is temporary, and nothing is truly fulfilling in life except a strong relationship with my Savior.  I don’t have all my hope put in my husband; I know he is fallible.  I know I have done the same and worse.  But it bothers me greatly.  And I know I have to work my way through it, and I am sure I will.  But things won’t be the same.  It’s a small crack that leads to the great chasm below that has been trying to heal for the past 3 years.  I’m afraid too much more will open the hole in my heart again.

I think I have clung to fiercely to the idea of Chip being near perfect for the sake of my sanity.  The past three years have been hell and back with the children.  I have never felt so trapped, so suffocated, and so desperate as I have in my time with them.  Chip has been my strength through everything- knowing that no matter what he is always there for me, always a rock when I’m falling apart.  It’s hard for me to accept that he isn’t perfect and he does mess up- even though I have always known no person is perfect, accepting it as reality is different.  I almost don’t want to accept it, because it makes me lean on him less.  It makes me feel less safe- less secure in our relationship.  I feel like I have been carried through things, and now I am being placed on my own two feet.  I just have to remember how to walk.

O’ beautiful, for spacious skies 
But now those skies are threatening 
They’re beating plowshares into swords 
For this tired old man that we elected king 
Armchair warriors often fail 
And we’ve been poisoned by these fairy tales 

Why you make it impossible for me to trust you.

Really?  You want to know why I don’t trust you.  You think it is just about Jay, but really that was just a small sample of your true character.  I cannot trust that you will not sneak out of the house at night and run off with any guy who will take you.  I cannot trust to leave my bedroom unlocked for fear you will steal my clothes, make up, cd’s, perfume.  I cannot trust you to leave the pantry unlocked for fear you will steal all the snacks leaving none for anyone else.  I cannot trust you with knives and sharp objects, for fear you will cut or kill yourself, or just simply try to draw attention to yourself, so I have to lock them up.  I cannot trust you around medications, for fear you will try to overdose to kill yourself, so I have to lock them up.  I cannot trust you around Isaac, for fear you will try to prove to Clay that Isaac cares more for you than him.  I cannot trust you with Eva, for fear you will loose control of your temper, or try to take control when someone other than my self asks to hold her.  I cannot trust what you say with your friends, for you have time and time again been outspoken about sexual relationships and actions, alcohol, and many other things you know are completely inappropriate.  I cannot trust you in social situations for fear you will threaten others and start a fight.  I cannot trust the words that come out of your mouth because so many of them have been straight out lies.  I cannot trust you on the computer as you have proven to look at dating and porn sites, you have continued to communicate with people after you have been warned to never speak to them again, and you access sites at times you have been told not to.  I cannot trust you with your school work, as you have frequently not cared and failed for simply not even trying to turn in your work.  I cannot trust you to even go to school if I am not there to make you, as you have proven that you will skip school. The list goes on and on…

All of these things prove a threat to me and the rest of the family.  Instead, you seem to think that no one loves you and cannot understand why no one trusts you.  You try to put on a face as if you are perfect and nothing is your fault.  Then when you figure something might be your fault, you go so far extreme that you try to kill yourself.  You try to use others to make you happy, but truly, it is within your own heart that your deception lies, and in your own heart where your sin weighs on you and destroys your happiness.  I will tell you again and again, there is not one person or thing on this earth that can make you continually happy.  The things in this earth are trivial, and pass quickly.  They do not and will not last.  The love that you seek is supposed to come from God and your family- not from a boy you barely know.  You cannot find eternal love and commitment from a boy at your age.  You cannot expect someone to be your slave and try to fix you.  Only you can fix you.  Only you can change who you are.  You have people who want to help you and who wanted to try to guide you through this- but it is never enough for you.  You think that someone only loves you if they give you your way.  You think that love is about holding hands or having sex.  You think that life is easy for everyone else and that you are the only one in the world with big problems.  The problem is, you never look outside of yourself to see the real world.  You look at movies and within your own heart to try to understand love, and then you are confused and hurt when you can’t find anyone to solve your problems for you.

The problem is, the two people who are trying to fight for you, and losing hope and starting to give up.  Soon you will be alone in your fight.  Then what?

low on hope

I hate to even write this post, but I have to learn to be honest with myself.  After two years of being together, Chip has finally done something that annoys me.  Not like just a small little fly buzzing around my head type of annoy.  Annoy may be a euphemism for something stronger, like- pisses me off.

I get tired of his passive aggressive behavior.  I all came to a point last night when he was taking the dog out.  For some reason, our dog has grown terrified of him, and pees on the floor when he sees him.  For the most part, I think this is strange and our dog is having an extreme reaction to normal punishment.  However, Chip only seems to make this worse, as every time this happens he gets super pissed and hits the dog.  Last night pushed it over the edge though, as he came in fuming and told me he just hit the dog in the head – out of anger type hit- for peeing when he walked in the room.  Then, when he went to clean it up, the dog started to pee again, and he then threw the paper towel roll at him rather hard.  Granted, this is not a small dog at all, and neither of my husbands actions probably hurt him much, if at all.  The point it- the dog is terrified of him, then when he shows how scared he is, Chip just secures that fear by continuing in threatening behavior. Originally when we got the dog, Chip had said, this will be my dog.  I will take care of it- I will do everything for it.  He had been wanting a dog for a very long time, and I had kept saying no because we have so much on our plate right now.  We have two mentally unstable teenagers who are in and out of mental institutions at the time, we have a stubborn 3 year old who is just entering his terrible two’s, and at the time, I was 6 months pregnant.  In addition to this, Chip got a job in another state which left us separated during the very end of my pregnancy, and then moving to a new state just days before giving birth (though it turned out I gave birth the day of the move).  So yea, things have been stressful.  What sold me?  I have been told having a dog is therapeutic- it can calm you and lower your blood pressure.  In addition, this breed of dog is supposed to be an excellent guard dog- very calm and never attacking but able to separate two fighting people and pin one to the wall until help comes.  This was a selling point for me as at the time my two teenagers were physically violent and I felt unsafe in my home.

So, fast forward 9 months later- and here I am.  A stay at home mom with a 3 month baby, my terrible toddler who refuses to be potty trained and constantly is defiant of household rules.  A teenage daughter who continually is suicidal with anxiety attacks and hallucinations that have been landing her in the ER in the middle of the night.  Then there’s the oppositionally defiant, adhd, angry, and just pissed off teenage son who acts as if he should have to do nothing to be a part of the family and who should be served everything on a silver platter.  And now in addition I am taking full time care of a puppy who can chew up a couch in a matter of minutes and has poop accidents comparable to the size of horse poop.

But the incident with the dog was just the tip of the ice burg.  It’s his attitude toward the kids that bothers me most.  It’s that everything is mine to deal with. He is so far removed to protect himself, but he forgets that I am in the middle of the mess trying to pull the kids out, while he is just sitting on the sidelines watching it all unravel.  Yes, he will take them to the ER in the case of an emergency, or pick up their prescriptions from walgreens, but any emotional support is completely missing.  All he does is encourage me to give up.  It is my job to talk things out with the kids, to discipline and follow through with treatment plans.  In a lot of ways, I feel like I am the only parent they have.  I am the one who is killing myself to keep everyone together and sane.

It makes me miss the days in east nashville when it was just me and Isaac.  Yes, we had just come through some really rough times.  But it was simple.  No one trying to kill themselves.  No one trying to kill anyone else.  I had enough money to pay my bills and have good food on the table.  I was able to spend quality time with the kid I loved.  It was alone and happy, there was no one that could hurt me, no one who could ruin my day.

I guess I am running low on hope.