I’ve been agressively domesticating. By that I mean – doing things around the house that needs to be doing and not enjoying them. And yet – still doing. With a somewhat “aggresive” determination to have them done. I am fed up. With all the tasks when there is no end of them. You do something, just about to finish, put your head up and wherever your eyes fall, there is another something waiting to be dealt with. The endless chain of it. I never realised how badly unattended my house has been all this time I’ve been living in it. Something I never cared about? perhaps, in this particular matter the responsibility should be shared, I wasn’t the only one living here. I am just the only one who cares.
This week my afterwork fun activities included putting up a concrete mini-ramp to smooth transition between two unleveled areas (I kept tripping over the edge of a slab, until finally decided to sort it out, once and for all). I finally pointed the old slabs with the resin sand and now am ready to play with some acids – the patio needed professional cleaning and I’ve got myself some powerful acid based industrial cleaning solution and not afraid to use it. well, I do afraid, a little bit, but who cares, I am still the same one to be afraid and to do it anyway. oh joy joy joy of home owning. Should’ve live in a shoe box…
With all these things going on, and with all the other things pulling my sleeve for my attention, I still keep thinking about “stuff” and about “life” and about “justaboutanything”
I took mother to the dentist the other day. And mused about limitations of disabled people. And how I would feel being in her place and how sad it all is. I cannot possibly imagine what’s going on in her mind when she is on her own. Does she feel being dealt by her fate unfairy? does she feel envy to all of us who can get around on our own, who can do things, who can dance and travel and all? Does she accept her fate with resignation or tries to expostulate in vain? I’ve tried to imagine what it would feel like to be so much broad minded in your interests and so much dependant on others physically. How many of her dreams never came true and never will because of her restricted physical abilities? Nobody think about being wheelchair-bound when they make plans for the rest of their life. and I’m not sure how well I would’ve cope with such situation. Perhaps, not so well.
I spent last weekend with Lover’s friends. And didn’t feel belonged. Good company, nice people, all friendly and attentive. Yet there was a gap between us and I felt it. Whatever was it, cultural, social or what, I was not part of them, while being with them, among them. it didn’t upset me though. At some point of this period of my life I’ve noticed how little I care about having friends or not having them. Perhaps, the experiences I had in this area have finally worn me out. You can do only with so many of unfriended friends…the best friend for you is you, the only true friend is you and you are the only one you can always trust that will be there for you. I’ve learned that much. I’m walking this path on my own. I’m having fun or I am having a bad treck day, anybody is welcomed to walk with me for a while or for a life, But I’m not changing my ways and not changing my pace for anyone anymore.
Your life has the way to show you your worthiness weather you want it or not. The way people treat you is what your real value is. Words are not a measure of it. Actions are. And all the Cinderellas have to go back to obscurity eventually.