I woke up this morning with a very heavy heart.

Even when you are here, I feel very alone. It is like you are miles away and there is nothing I can do.

You come near me and my guard goes up, your guard goes up, and we no longer can talk to each other

I cried myself to sleep last night waiting for you to come fix this somehow.

You didn’t come

 

I find myself seeing only of the things you do not do for me.

Then again I am desperately searching for something to show me you care

And I cannot find anything because the things you do show me that you do not care at all

Each instance is so painful when I realize what is happening

And this makes my heart much heavier

 

I thought about the years we have had

It has been so good, but it has always been ridden with bad

I have to wonder if perhaps I am crazy and there is nothing you can do to make me happy

But then I think of the different arguements over the years and I see the same pattern

I do however know that I am a problem

 

All I have ever wanted was someone to take care of me

To feel loved and treasured, to be important to someone

To not have to worry and always feel safe, secure with my love

To be with someone with whom I could open my heart and soul to without worry

To be myself without fear or guilt

 

We had that once

 

But now my heart aches always. I feel empty and scared

I want my husband back. I want my love back. Somebody please fix my heart so it stops hurting

See when I open my heart it is just too painful. It is easier to close it off and make a wall around me

To protect me from the pain of hurt and shield me from any worry; My anger is my weapon of protection

I am taking care of myself again

 

How do we fix this? What do we do? I am waiting desperately for you to do something to show me you care

Instead I only see our marriage falling apart, crumbling , drowning the flame as it dies out

If we can’t fix this then what happens? The thought of you living away from me, being with someone else

Is a stabbing piercing sword in my heart that makes me cry myself to sleep

Then not be able to sleep at all

 

I waited for you and you didn’t come. I am waiting for you to do something like you promised and you haven’t

Why do you not care enough to try to fix this? I don’t understand how you could not.

I don’t understand how you promise things then do not do them, or how when I ask you for something you decide not to

I am all alone by myself in this world again. I have ended up here slowly over the last year

Because you left me, and I left you too.

To protect my painful very heavy heart