I woke up this morning with a very heavy heart.
Even when you are here, I feel very alone. It is like you are miles away and there is nothing I can do.
You come near me and my guard goes up, your guard goes up, and we no longer can talk to each other
I cried myself to sleep last night waiting for you to come fix this somehow.
You didn’t come
I find myself seeing only of the things you do not do for me.
Then again I am desperately searching for something to show me you care
And I cannot find anything because the things you do show me that you do not care at all
Each instance is so painful when I realize what is happening
And this makes my heart much heavier
I thought about the years we have had
It has been so good, but it has always been ridden with bad
I have to wonder if perhaps I am crazy and there is nothing you can do to make me happy
But then I think of the different arguements over the years and I see the same pattern
I do however know that I am a problem
All I have ever wanted was someone to take care of me
To feel loved and treasured, to be important to someone
To not have to worry and always feel safe, secure with my love
To be with someone with whom I could open my heart and soul to without worry
To be myself without fear or guilt
We had that once
But now my heart aches always. I feel empty and scared
I want my husband back. I want my love back. Somebody please fix my heart so it stops hurting
See when I open my heart it is just too painful. It is easier to close it off and make a wall around me
To protect me from the pain of hurt and shield me from any worry; My anger is my weapon of protection
I am taking care of myself again
How do we fix this? What do we do? I am waiting desperately for you to do something to show me you care
Instead I only see our marriage falling apart, crumbling , drowning the flame as it dies out
If we can’t fix this then what happens? The thought of you living away from me, being with someone else
Is a stabbing piercing sword in my heart that makes me cry myself to sleep
Then not be able to sleep at all
I waited for you and you didn’t come. I am waiting for you to do something like you promised and you haven’t
Why do you not care enough to try to fix this? I don’t understand how you could not.
I don’t understand how you promise things then do not do them, or how when I ask you for something you decide not to
I am all alone by myself in this world again. I have ended up here slowly over the last year
Because you left me, and I left you too.
To protect my painful very heavy heart