I saw CSE yesterday.  I did not feel very comfortable with her alone.  I still have that feeling with her.  She is not going to be coming to my apartment very often anymore because the feeling of having her here is still uncomfortable. I did ask her to come down after lunch today to help with Bing and she did come but I was asleep and I had awakened to the idea of her in my apartment making noise with something.  My heart raced a beat because I was startled awake.  Not good!  From now on I will lock my door when I know I am going to be napping.  When my shower gals are here they will be locking the door when I am in the shower and getting ready for the day, evening, and afternoon – scheduled shower times.

I ask CSE if I did anything wrong because she has not knocked on my door for two weeks except for the fact of when I got a knock on the door last Saturday when we had our Community Room breakfast and later that day when I had gotten home from church the same afternoon while she was in the mail room area on her computer.  That afternoon I was not too happy with her because she is NOT supposed to use the internet in the lobby area or community room.  I have had a tenant who used my modem, before I had a password on it, and was doing so in the lobby and the community room and he was looking at porn, and other tenants noticed that as they passed him they saw his conduct.  He had gotten so angry with me after the fact that I put a password on my modem to lock it, and has not spoken to me for two years now.  I know… silly.  The idea of CSE looking at porn is not going to happen but the idea of others seeing her online in the lobby and community room area can raise questions among some of the nosy tenants.  I just do not find it safe to be on a computer in the community room.  I do not even get online in the public areas of our building anymore myself for my safety and comfort.  I am seriously thinking of changing my password at this time and then CSE will have to get online another way or get her own internet.

At this time I do not consider CSE a close friend.  I realize now, actually, that we were not real close because of the fact we do not ever tell each other everything.  CSE is doing her best to rid of the past she had when she was CKR before she changed her named.  I am learning more about CSE now than I have ever thought I would so my feeling toward her is not comfortable anymore.  I do not feel comfortable with her alone any longer.  She needs help and stop denying and lying.

My appointment with SW was cancelled because she was not feeling well and could not make it into work today.  So now I am waiting patiently for 430 pm to roll around so I can go to Weight Watchers.  I am a little disappointed that my appointment with SW was cancelled but that soon dissolved into happiness once again and I was able to continue what I had planned for the afternoon as if I did not have an appointment before my Weight Watchers meeting hour.  I am able to study and read the Bible and take notes from what I have been learning and understanding so far in my abilities.  Bing Crosby is sleeping on the futon while I sit here at whittle away my thoughts and words going across the screen as I write about my day so far before 430 pm CST.  I will be leaving here for Weight Watchers in about 4 hrs.

Anyway…

Here I am with the TV off, after having it on all night long and waking up at 6 am to Matlock, I decided to get up – sort of – and begin my day online before my shower gal got here at 1015 am.  RK asked me yesterday if it would be okay if she came at 1015 am instead of 1030 am so she could get to her next client’s shower after me.  I told her that it was perfectly fine.  The earlier the better for me and for her as well.  I know it can be difficult at times getting from one client to another when it can be a travel time crunch – even though I do not drive myself.

It is another beautiful day outdoors today.  My windows have been open for a couple of days now – day and night – and I am all dressed for the warm weather we have been having today and yesterday.  80 degree weather has been wonderful but we are expecting lower temperatures again over the weekend.  Winter is behind us but the weather is definitely playing games with us this year.  At least I hope winter IS behind us now.  We are going to be going into June here in 16 days now.  The weather HAS been playing its ugly game with me and my emotions these days.  It is not pleasant but I have been holding my own for the majority of it all.

Where I live and have been living for the past 15 years now, I see people come and go while I look out the window from where I sit.  I hear noises of the city going by in cars, trucks, and other forms of riding machines, and the noises of birds and such making their noises of the day as well.  I may live in the city, wishing I lived in the country where it was quiet and no one to bother me, I am used to the noises and sounds from the world around me.  Sometimes, in a moment of unsureness, I do hear sounds and noises I am not familiar with or have heard before but are more noticeable than usual.  I think that is from when my senses and anxiety is slightly altered.  My neighbor upstairs makes sounds and noises all the time but I have come to ignore them unless I hear a sound or noise that is different.  I rarely hear my neighbor upstairs anymore.  I have been able to tune her sounds and noises out unless there is a need to hear the noises.  We have maintenance here today so he is going in and out of the building.  There is one noise I wish could be taken care of and that is the noise from the first floor stairwell door that is between me and the elevator.  I hear that closing before 7 am in the morning!  It can drive me crazy if it wakes me up and I cannot get back to sleep!  Otherwise, sounds and noises are on deaf ears.

In recent months I have become more secluded in my apartment and leave when I need to or have to, but I do have my days where I will leave my apartment and see what is going on in the lobby and community/recreation room across the hall from me.  I have people/tenants/a manager I will associate with but I do have to admit that I’d rather keep to myself.  After having CSE here for a few weeks, I found myself overwhelmed because she is not motivating herself.  Her physical, mental, and emotional health concerns me, and after having her for a few weeks, I have not had her down here for the day or weekend ever since.  I am not the type of person to have a roommate or a long time stay over.  I have not had my friends RB and JW over for a very long time now.  I am not going to have any more sleepovers.  I can not do anymore.

Now, one of the hardest things in my world right now is my world is understanding CSE.  After having her for a few weeks, I have realized that I do not understand her like I first thought.  With her health all around concerning me, I find it hard to see her in the same light I saw her before she was here for a few weeks.  I must sound horrible but I do see her in a different light.  She scares me a little bit so I am distancing myself from her a little and letting her come to me when she does.

That brings me to another thing … I do not always answer my door when someone knocks now.  I have started that a couple of days ago now – this week.  There are moments I am into something very important and I find I need not be bothered, I will not say anything.  My friend BS who lives above me will always knock and then use her power chair buzzer to let me know it is her if she sees and knows I am home by the light in my apartment.  BS visiting with me for a while last night before 12 midnight.  After she left, I had fallen asleep in the recliner all night  where I had awakened to Matlock at 6 am this morning.

I am heading away from Dear Diary for now.