An Ordinary Day

Nothing much happened today.  I have been home most of the day.  I am still feeling a little blah from the fluid buildup in my body, but I know that dialysis treatment will take care of that in time.  On my non-dialysis days, I do things at home.  Personal cares this morning, got dressed for the day, had an appointment at 8:30 AM, and then home the rest of the day and evening. I watch my marathon shows, read, write, and snuggle with Bing Crosby the Cat when he wants to.  I am not a lazy person or anything.  I have things I enjoy doing and that is what I do on my non-dialysis days.  Dialysis is now a routine I am used to and I feel I still have a full life.

            I do have to admit one thing.  When I am home and relaxing I think a lot.  It is that “what if” scenario attitude I have a lot.  It happens after an experience that gets me upset.  When AR decided to write me a text to let me know that she has quit effective immediately, I was very hurt and did not know what to think.  It takes time for me to respond to people when I am hurt in some way.  The ache in my heinart is paralyzing because “sometimes” it is not expected.  Even when W had a tone of voice.  I did not expect it, either.  Now, a week later, I have to admit that I have some adjusting to personal cares with MC. I have asked her to come back to work for me on the weekends since AR left her position wide open.  I do love MC.  I have been thinking about what AR has done to me as my brain been processing in my mind as to why she said we discussed something when we did not.  I dislike the feeling of being put under the bus as the next person does and that is one feeling I find trust has been misplaced for a while or for good depending on the situation.  When AR quit that was fine.  It was how she did it that surprised/shocked.  It is what she did during the week I found unacceptable.  Throwing me under the bus like she did.

            As my day closes bed is looming closer. I watched a movie starring Brenda Song on Netflix as well as a program that Netflix has created.  I do have spur of the moment things once in a while in my daily routine.  I usually begin to take it easy around 6 PM so I have enough sleep for the night but tonight is one of those nights where I am up late.  Yes, it is after 7 PM here tonight now.  I am heading off for the night.

It Must Be One of Those Weeks…

Dialysis last week did not go very well.  My blood clotted the machine so dialysis was stopped and I went home early.  Today I talked to the nurse LV about how I felt because dialysis could not be completed in 3 ½ hours.  I feel tired, bloated, short of breath, and irritable.  My case at the dialysis center will be looked into so that I can get through dialysis tomorrow between Dr. A and the nurse P (male) and nurse LV (female).  I need relief.  I feel I am back to square one as I am gaining weight because the fluid in my body is building up due to dialysis not able to be completed.  I am frustrated.  I hope that my dialysis situation will be resolved this week as my blood clots the machine and my catheter does not work properly on either side (venus – blue, arterial – red).  All week last week, despite the frustration I feel, I want to believe there is hope. This is a trail I have to get through. This is one of those trials that confuses me right now.  I will have to wait until tomorrow to see what the outcome will be to relieve the situation.

I am also a little nervous about what is going to be said when it comes to the perceived tone one of the techs W (male) had last Tuesday and on Thursday when I did my best to take care of the issue myself before going to others who can help me take care of the issue.  If W did not feel he did not have a tone that scared me, I do not find that the issue.  The issue is how he reacted when I did my best to tell him that he had a tone of voice that was not appropriate and another tech and patient he told what I said to him.  Not appropriate in my book.  Here I was, Thursday, doing what was right.  It may not have been the outcome I had hoped it would have been either.  My heart is broken over W’s reaction.  The idea of other people at the dialysis center being involved was not in my plans, but I had to do what was right.  Integrity is the key here.  I am not going to be belittled anymore.

When AR decided to quit immediately, last Tuesday, I felt betrayed.  I felt so hurt that I did not know what to say or think about the text she sent.  I called DKF and my IRIS consultant JR immediately upset.  I had no time to find out what AR wanted to do about the hours this time.  The following morning, Wednesday, I decided to text AR back with my thoughts from the heart. If I hurt her, my intentions were not to do so, but my heart had to say what it needed to say.  I did not know, until Saturday, August 17 that dialysis was going to be an issue that needed to find a resolution yet.  I was already a little frustrated with W and his tone of voice, and then I get a text from AR saying that she was no longer working for me because of the hours being cut.  I felt that I was double whammed.  I was mad, sad, frustrated, and felt betrayed.  I no longer wanted anything to do with AR.  Our relationship was over entirely except I would not stop praying for her and her family.

I am looking forward to what the resolution will be as far as dialysis is concerned.