A Venting Session Needed

Ever since April 9, I have been dealing with some anxiety, panic, and other emotion upset that has made me feel that everything I have been working on the past two weeks a failure.  My plans for the week was to go grocery shopping, get a nail fixed where I needed to have it repaired (thumb nail needed to be redone due to nail polish chipped)m make sure I got everything I ordered for Bing Crosby the Cat from Chewy.com, continue to lose weight, and be very happy. I guess happiness comes with a cost.  I would love to have your thoughts on happiness.  Is it a low cost or a high cost?  Ever since April 9, I have been plagued with anxiety and panic to the point that I feel everyone is mad at me even though in my right mind, that is not true because I keep to myself rather than be bothered by other tenants in the building that have nothing better to do but sit in the community room to watch TV, talk and gossip, and play some kind of game, have potlucks.  It has been one of those weeks!

I have been sitting and watching the news the past couple of days as well and I do not like what I am hearing and seeing.  What is happening to President Trump now is nothing but a witch hunt and how people are going about it is horrible and demeaning.  I am not here to defend President Trump’s actions and affairs, and how he did/may have handled them, but how many people in office have pasts and issues.  All because some people DO NOT like Trump because he is a Republican, a man who will speak his mind, make snide remarks and laugh about it on camera, are people just out to cause problems because they want control.  It makes me angry that people want to control others and be jerks about it publicly.  It makes me sick to the point I want to puke and throw up on someone’s fancy shoes to show them that being witches and hunting for so-called trouble is absolutely ridiculous.  I live. In a building of Trump haters and this is ONE reason I keep to myself these days.  I am truly not a Trump hater.  I am a woman who struggles with her Christian self on a daily basis.

Do you want to know what else has been on my mind the past three to four days?  I am not going to sit here and argue that it is true or not true because I know it is my anxiety having havoc on my mind right now.  I am bouncing back and forth about certain family members I have not seen or heard from since 2009.  Yes, 9 to almost 10 years now.  I have been a little angry at myself for allowing my mind to trigger memories of my brother and his wife (family) who live in PA.  I am fearful that they know about my current health through mutual friends on Facebook and other social media sites where my brother can get information from and I surely do not want that to be the case.  I am not obsessing about it, but the feeling is definitely there.  I do not want to know what is going on in their lives whatsoever.  What has happened has gone past forgiveness in a way that the relationship is not repairable, nor do I want it.  I am not angry at my brother anymore.  I am angry at myself for allowing my anxious mind controlling my thoughts about certain family members.  I DO NOT want them nosing in my life and that is a for sure thought.  The ONLY time I will allow my brother back into my life is if he divorces his wife or crawls on his belly and asks for forgiveness for being such an idiot believing that I would have done what he and his wife accused me of.  I am angry because I trusted my brother and trust has been misplaced, and after hearing about some letters sent to my dad’s wife SBK by my brother’s wife, I have come to find that trust has been misplaced and it needs to be set right again.  Even my brother’s wife has said some nasty things about mom and my sister KLK.  I do not know what was written in those letters, but I was told the letters were not nice letters.  It breaks my heart.

Now that I have expressed my thoughts and feelings for the week, I can now say good night and God bless, and get some sleep.  It is now Sabbath and I have church in the morning.  Time for me to end the night saying good night and God bless.  I am glad that I have put my thoughts and feelings down.

My Saturday Thoughts

Here I am.  Having some time to write in my diary this morning because I am going to a wedding this afternoon as well as a wedding reception later.  No church again this week.  With the weather not being very cooperative the past two to three weeks, and now this week a wedding, I sure miss going to church.  I miss my church family.  I will be going for the first time in a while next week on the 24th to see the Pastor and Carol for the last time while Pastor retires from preaching at the end of the month.  We also have two more Bible studies with him before he is officially off the roster.  My heart is feeling a little sad, but happy at the same time.  I do want the Pastor and Carol to be happy and enjoy retirement, too.  That is why I have sadness and happiness at the same time.  I am going to be okay.  I am family by choice.

My thoughts the past few days have been mixed about politics and how I feel about the happenings of our Nation the past few weeks.  Again, I do not care if you are a Democrat or a Republican because peace is what I want in my own, personal, and public life.   I will speak my mind at times to get a point across more so in general than attacking a specific group of people or even a dear and close friend of mine.  My heart goes out to the families and communities (surrounding communities) of Parkland, Florida even though I do not know anyone there at this time.  My feelings for losing a loved one, a friend, a high school colleague, or a friend of a friend do not go unnoticed here.  My heart has feelings of sadness, compassion, and understanding.  I have lost an uncle, some great aunts, maternal and paternal grandparents, high school colleagues, favorite teachers through death or we have gone our separate ways now, and pets.  Memories of what happened from October 2017 to May 2018 still lingers in my memory as if it happened yesterday.  A friendship was dissolved there because of a choice a friend decided to make and get herself kicked out of the building with her boyfriend.  My heart was broken, and it took time for me to heal from what has happened, and now all I can do for this “friend” is pray for her wellbeing and happiness to be what she wants in life.

What I share on my diary page is what I want people to see and read to understand me better.  I want to show that I am imperfect and a human being like everyone else who makes mistakes in life and says things that will one day be regretted.  Every day is a learning day whether you go to school, church, work, or not.  I do not go to school anymore.  I graduated from high school in 1989, did my best at our local two-year college and U-Rock., but was not successful.  I finally found my niche at a school online titled University of Phoenix.  I had earned my bachelor’s and master’s degree(s) in Accounting there.  I wish I could have excelled in getting my associate degree at Blackhawk Tech college, but it did not work out that way.  I learn by taking one class at a time on a computer.  I am doing my best at being successful in other areas of my life as well, and I find I am always learning something new or remembering what I have learned from a different time in my life.  Sharing what I want to share with others is selective and done carefully at times for reason of sanity.  I do not trust everyone, and I know not everyone trusts me.

I have a busy afternoon ahead and writing what I have very little time to write in my diary right now.  I have gotten myself time later if I am not too tired.  A friend of mine is getting married today and I was invited to the wedding, so I am going.  I am hoping to have a good time and hopefully not say any drama play out between anyone today knowing that there are some feelings between the wedding party right now.  Enough said.  I am praying that the bride and groom have a wonderful and blessed day and week ahead for their honeymoon, and travels.

Before I do go, I do want to share something that I observed Wednesday evening while leaving for Bible study.  We have potlucks and get together with other tenants every now and then, and Wednesday night we had a potluck dinner.  I did not attend because of the talk and gossip among tenants can be iffy and I do not want to be part of any group like that.  I may be 47 years old and getting older every day and year like everyone else alive, but I do not choose to be a part of a certain clique or group of people that can be negative.  Well, as I walked out and looked into the community room, I saw tenants sitting in certain groups.  I call them cliques.  Each time I see tenants in the community room for potlucks and game night, or breakfast every other Saturday morning, it is the same group of people.  It never changes unless someone is not here anymore or could not make it, but it is still the same group of people.  This why I do not bother going to such functions as that anymore.  I will be considerate to the tenants in the hallway and lobby and will pop my head in from time to time to say hello, but I will not get into conversation with most of them anymore.  Most of the tenants do not stay in their apartments when they are sick, and I am one who does.  I am never alone, nor do I have to worry about being bored too often.  I do get bored from time to time, though, lol.  I do not like being an observer sometimes.  I believe it can be a curse and blessing, but I do my best at using it for good reason…not for the wrong reason.

If I am not too tired when I get back from the wedding and wedding reception, I will write more later tonight.  Otherwise I will be back tomorrow sometime for sure.  Writing in a diary at times can be another one of those passing moments in life from day to day.