Some more time has lapsed since my last entry once again. Today is the first time I have written since, I believe, April 19. So much has gone on around me that I have been keeping to myself and a kind gentleman not everyone understands has been coming over every day to see Bing Crosby the Cat by giving him some pets, rubs, conversation, a treat or two, and handing me a dark chocolate bar or a popsicle or two. Now my freezer has some popsicles in it, lol.
You are probably wondering why I said “a kind gentleman not everyone understands. Let me clear it up…. Other tenants just do not like him and think he is a grumpy old man, but then again, I have seen how other tenants treat him in turn. No wonder he is grumpy with them. This is one reason of my business being my own and not involving other tenants into my life like I once did. This gentleman is a little different in ways that it takes patience and pleasure to have this gentleman come into my home to allow him to get his “cat” fix because he loves felines.
How do I find this gentleman? Well, he is older and a grandpa sort of man. He is a little different from many “grandpa’s” I have gotten to know throughout the years. He is a nice man, a little grumpy at times, but his time here in my apartment, he’s not a grump at all. It makes my heart seep with some sadness and anger that other tenants do not like him, but then again it takes a certain clique of people to make someone grumpy and unwilling to be friendly I surmise or observe. This gentleman is welcome in my home to see Bing Crosby the Cat any time I am able to have company come in and I do not care who sees it and wonders what goes on in here. A lot of tenants like Bing Crosby the Cat who sits in the window in the living room watching the birds, cars, ground animals, the tenants coming and going, and chatting out back by the smoking corner. Bing Crosby the Cat has fans and he has his favorite people wrapped around his big paws as well, lol.
Ever since April 9, I have been dealing with some anxiety, panic, and other emotion upset that has made me feel that everything I have been working on the past two weeks a failure. My plans for the week was to go grocery shopping, get a nail fixed where I needed to have it repaired (thumb nail needed to be redone due to nail polish chipped)m make sure I got everything I ordered for Bing Crosby the Cat from Chewy.com, continue to lose weight, and be very happy. I guess happiness comes with a cost. I would love to have your thoughts on happiness. Is it a low cost or a high cost? Ever since April 9, I have been plagued with anxiety and panic to the point that I feel everyone is mad at me even though in my right mind, that is not true because I keep to myself rather than be bothered by other tenants in the building that have nothing better to do but sit in the community room to watch TV, talk and gossip, and play some kind of game, have potlucks. It has been one of those weeks!
I have been sitting and watching the news the past couple of days as well and I do not like what I am hearing and seeing. What is happening to President Trump now is nothing but a witch hunt and how people are going about it is horrible and demeaning. I am not here to defend President Trump’s actions and affairs, and how he did/may have handled them, but how many people in office have pasts and issues. All because some people DO NOT like Trump because he is a Republican, a man who will speak his mind, make snide remarks and laugh about it on camera, are people just out to cause problems because they want control. It makes me angry that people want to control others and be jerks about it publicly. It makes me sick to the point I want to puke and throw up on someone’s fancy shoes to show them that being witches and hunting for so-called trouble is absolutely ridiculous. I live. In a building of Trump haters and this is ONE reason I keep to myself these days. I am truly not a Trump hater. I am a woman who struggles with her Christian self on a daily basis.
Do you want to know what else has been on my mind the past three to four days? I am not going to sit here and argue that it is true or not true because I know it is my anxiety having havoc on my mind right now. I am bouncing back and forth about certain family members I have not seen or heard from since 2009. Yes, 9 to almost 10 years now. I have been a little angry at myself for allowing my mind to trigger memories of my brother and his wife (family) who live in PA. I am fearful that they know about my current health through mutual friends on Facebook and other social media sites where my brother can get information from and I surely do not want that to be the case. I am not obsessing about it, but the feeling is definitely there. I do not want to know what is going on in their lives whatsoever. What has happened has gone past forgiveness in a way that the relationship is not repairable, nor do I want it. I am not angry at my brother anymore. I am angry at myself for allowing my anxious mind controlling my thoughts about certain family members. I DO NOT want them nosing in my life and that is a for sure thought. The ONLY time I will allow my brother back into my life is if he divorces his wife or crawls on his belly and asks for forgiveness for being such an idiot believing that I would have done what he and his wife accused me of. I am angry because I trusted my brother and trust has been misplaced, and after hearing about some letters sent to my dad’s wife SBK by my brother’s wife, I have come to find that trust has been misplaced and it needs to be set right again. Even my brother’s wife has said some nasty things about mom and my sister KLK. I do not know what was written in those letters, but I was told the letters were not nice letters. It breaks my heart.
Now that I have expressed my thoughts and feelings for the week, I can now say good night and God bless, and get some sleep. It is now Sabbath and I have church in the morning. Time for me to end the night saying good night and God bless. I am glad that I have put my thoughts and feelings down.