My Saturday Thoughts

Here I am.  Having some time to write in my diary this morning because I am going to a wedding this afternoon as well as a wedding reception later.  No church again this week.  With the weather not being very cooperative the past two to three weeks, and now this week a wedding, I sure miss going to church.  I miss my church family.  I will be going for the first time in a while next week on the 24th to see the Pastor and Carol for the last time while Pastor retires from preaching at the end of the month.  We also have two more Bible studies with him before he is officially off the roster.  My heart is feeling a little sad, but happy at the same time.  I do want the Pastor and Carol to be happy and enjoy retirement, too.  That is why I have sadness and happiness at the same time.  I am going to be okay.  I am family by choice.

My thoughts the past few days have been mixed about politics and how I feel about the happenings of our Nation the past few weeks.  Again, I do not care if you are a Democrat or a Republican because peace is what I want in my own, personal, and public life.   I will speak my mind at times to get a point across more so in general than attacking a specific group of people or even a dear and close friend of mine.  My heart goes out to the families and communities (surrounding communities) of Parkland, Florida even though I do not know anyone there at this time.  My feelings for losing a loved one, a friend, a high school colleague, or a friend of a friend do not go unnoticed here.  My heart has feelings of sadness, compassion, and understanding.  I have lost an uncle, some great aunts, maternal and paternal grandparents, high school colleagues, favorite teachers through death or we have gone our separate ways now, and pets.  Memories of what happened from October 2017 to May 2018 still lingers in my memory as if it happened yesterday.  A friendship was dissolved there because of a choice a friend decided to make and get herself kicked out of the building with her boyfriend.  My heart was broken, and it took time for me to heal from what has happened, and now all I can do for this “friend” is pray for her wellbeing and happiness to be what she wants in life.

What I share on my diary page is what I want people to see and read to understand me better.  I want to show that I am imperfect and a human being like everyone else who makes mistakes in life and says things that will one day be regretted.  Every day is a learning day whether you go to school, church, work, or not.  I do not go to school anymore.  I graduated from high school in 1989, did my best at our local two-year college and U-Rock., but was not successful.  I finally found my niche at a school online titled University of Phoenix.  I had earned my bachelor’s and master’s degree(s) in Accounting there.  I wish I could have excelled in getting my associate degree at Blackhawk Tech college, but it did not work out that way.  I learn by taking one class at a time on a computer.  I am doing my best at being successful in other areas of my life as well, and I find I am always learning something new or remembering what I have learned from a different time in my life.  Sharing what I want to share with others is selective and done carefully at times for reason of sanity.  I do not trust everyone, and I know not everyone trusts me.

I have a busy afternoon ahead and writing what I have very little time to write in my diary right now.  I have gotten myself time later if I am not too tired.  A friend of mine is getting married today and I was invited to the wedding, so I am going.  I am hoping to have a good time and hopefully not say any drama play out between anyone today knowing that there are some feelings between the wedding party right now.  Enough said.  I am praying that the bride and groom have a wonderful and blessed day and week ahead for their honeymoon, and travels.

Before I do go, I do want to share something that I observed Wednesday evening while leaving for Bible study.  We have potlucks and get together with other tenants every now and then, and Wednesday night we had a potluck dinner.  I did not attend because of the talk and gossip among tenants can be iffy and I do not want to be part of any group like that.  I may be 47 years old and getting older every day and year like everyone else alive, but I do not choose to be a part of a certain clique or group of people that can be negative.  Well, as I walked out and looked into the community room, I saw tenants sitting in certain groups.  I call them cliques.  Each time I see tenants in the community room for potlucks and game night, or breakfast every other Saturday morning, it is the same group of people.  It never changes unless someone is not here anymore or could not make it, but it is still the same group of people.  This why I do not bother going to such functions as that anymore.  I will be considerate to the tenants in the hallway and lobby and will pop my head in from time to time to say hello, but I will not get into conversation with most of them anymore.  Most of the tenants do not stay in their apartments when they are sick, and I am one who does.  I am never alone, nor do I have to worry about being bored too often.  I do get bored from time to time, though, lol.  I do not like being an observer sometimes.  I believe it can be a curse and blessing, but I do my best at using it for good reason…not for the wrong reason.

If I am not too tired when I get back from the wedding and wedding reception, I will write more later tonight.  Otherwise I will be back tomorrow sometime for sure.  Writing in a diary at times can be another one of those passing moments in life from day to day.

Apartment Building Living

I have been living in the same apartment building going on 20 years and I have lived in two apartments.  In 2006 my cerebral palsy began to take a different road from the one I have begun to show signs of extra support.  I began using a cane.  During the first three years I have moved from the third floor to the first floor because management thought it would be best for me being on the first floor.  As far as my living in an apartment building, this is the first place I have lived the longest.  I have moved 4 times with my parents when I was younger and a teenager and moved 4 different times before moving to the building I am at now and moved one time inside the building.  Even though I moved a lot in the past 47 years of life, moving is something I wish not to do anymore.  As a tenant and resident of an apartment building of 49 tenant apartments, my life here is not secluded in a sense that I feel secluded and unwanted here whatsoever.  I just keep to myself most of the time by coming and going to places, appointments, and just staying close to home.  I choose to refrain myself from going to activities, games, and parties in the community room because of what small communities like apartment buildings have trouble with; gossip and spreading rumors.  I do have my favorite people in here, but I do not go out looking for trouble.  I am an observer and being just that can be a blessing and a curse at the same time.  Seeing what goes on around me can cause me to think why I did I had to see that.  It goes with hearing words go around the building.  I guess the older we get we fall into a world of wonder and still have high school or childish behavior.  I want to be grown up, make decisions, learn from my mistakes, and live past childish behavior as well know that I am not in high school anymore.  I want to live in the real world now.  I do love it here and have my reservations along with loving the place I live in.  I am human, and I do have mixed feelings about a lot of things in my own life.  I just do not need to have someone come in and complicate things I have already accomplished in life.