Planned Outing and the Source of Dread

I am going to see the Aqua Jays ski show tonight weather permitting with DKF and her husband SF. I have not seen the ski show for a long time now and so this is my first time in a few years.  I am excited.  Now, I will be two people and the others will be total strangers.  I am going to be spending a couple of hours out of my comfort zone I have come to know since my last hospital stay from April 24 – May 6, 2019. I believe I can do this.  If I do not feel very comfortable, I can always let DKF know I need to walk around.  I cannot wait until I get outside in the beautiful weather.  We have been having 80-degree weather this whole weekend.

A little while ago some emotions washed over me. Fear. Panic.  Memories of my hallucination episodes replayed in my memory of what I still remember.  A nightmare of sorts.  A bad dream that stemmed real life events but was not really happening in the real world that was not hallucination.  I would say scary and if it was a scale from 1 to 100, I would say 100.  My hallucinations were that scary.  Why I was afraid/fearful and panic wash over me, clouding my happiness, is because I am having a fistula placement procedure done July 12 and it is my second procedure now with the same doctor Dr. S.  I have an unusable fistula in my left arm right now and my second fistula is going to be placed in my right arm in the same area as my left arm fistula was for the first ten months it was placed and healed and when I did not need it yet.  I have decided to look at Bing Crosby the Cat to see if he could get his cuteness to make me smile.  He turned on his cuteness and made me look at him.  Paying attention to Bing was the best that ended my fear and panic.  I even took the time to ask for God’s help in my emotional state as well.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.