Dear Friends and Readers,
It is not that late in the evening for me to be writing in my blog as I sit here and wonder what I am going to say this day. It just so happens that I am in the mood to share something about myself as a Christian. I struggle with my inner demons that are depression, anxiety, and panic disorder. I deal with those inner demons all the time and when the anxiety gets so great, I can call someone to help me understand my need to talk, but I do not remember to talk to God personally first. Do you know how embarrassing it is to realize this after I have calmed down from my anxiety and panic mode? It is veryembarrassing. Sometimes I wonder if God gets angry with me when I do not rely on Him first. Have you ever felt this way like I do at my worst moment in time? I am indeed not perfect.
All of my life I had dealt with surgeries, I was born two months premature and was a surviving twin. My birth was a little surprise because my mom was not expecting twins and my twin sister did not survive. She died in my mom’s womb. I was born with cerebral palsy – a mild case and had eye and leg surgery when I was a child still growing. I had my first kidney transplant when I was seventeen years old because I learned that I had total kidney failure. In 2016 I had learned that my transplanted kidney has become diseased due to internal age in a foreign body. My mom was the very woman who stepped up to the plate to see if she could be a donor. It turned out that we were a very good match. Now, thirty-one years later, that very kidney, seventy-five years old, is wearing out. I am working towards to having my second kidney transplant, but I still have to lose enough weight to qualify to be on the waiting list and have annual meetings at the UW-Madison in Madison, Wisconsin. I have been doing hemodialysis now since April 2019. The first four days were done in the hospital and then I began doing outpatient dialysis since May 2019. My stint in the hospital took a little longer than planned because medication was given to me – Ativan – and I ended up having a reaction to the drug. I hallucinated and thought I saw smoke and mist coming out of the room’s vents in the ceiling and walls, transparent people and people who were not really there, I saw strange men handing me a package with a bomb, and heard an evil voice telling me to harm myself, and little fires being thrown onto my bed covers. It was a very scary situation. Not only did I hallucinate those little things, I also saw one missile and many bombs hit the hospital as they were hitting the hospital. I was not in my right mind and it felt and smelled so real. Patients and their visitors as well as me and my visitors were escorted out of the hospital to safety in my hallucination. The President of the United States and Dr. Phil were also in my hallucination taking care of the national emergency which was the attack on the hospital. It was a very scary hallucination and I hope to never hallucinate like that ever again. I have scared some people and my trust in people has fallen even shorter since this has happened.
As I have said before, I am imperfect. Why? It is so because I was born into sin of the world and believe me, I have my issues and demons to deal with on a regular basis. With my health today, I am grateful for the time with the transplanted kidney. I have an upcoming appointment to see about a fistula or graft placement and I do have my reservations as I did have fistula placement done in November 2016, and ten months later the fistula never matured to continue working in my upper left arm. It died. Right now, since April 24, 2019, I have had a catheter in my neck by the right collarbone functioning for dialysis treatment three times a week at three in a half hours a day in the morning from 9:15 AM to when I get unhooked from the machine to go home. I have my reservations because infection can occur. I deal with UTI’s a lot, so I get urine samples done a lot to take care of the UTI I have developed. I am taking an antibiotic for an UTI right now until tomorrow morning. I had gotten another UTI last week. I do not like them as imperfect as I am.
Where am I going with all of this imperfection of myself? I am doing a study at Our Daily Breadthat I have decided to begin tonight, and it is talking about sin and how God is doing His best at bringing His people out of sin through his love and connection with us throughout one of the greatest books out there in the world. Adam and Eve became sinners by eating from the tree in the middle of the garden they were tending to that was called The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. The sin began with Eve’s deception of the serpent who we all know is Satan and Adam followed. Their act got them kicked out of the Garden of Eden, and their two boys and ancestors were all born into sin because of the lust of the flesh and minds of the people who have followed. Of course there were men and women who were chosen to .be great people in their time as many people today are chosen to be great in their time. I, a sinner born into this world because of sin, I am just an ordinary person with great dreams of becoming a great person, too. I do not want to be an actress. I do not want to become someone who will be remembered for my problems. I want to be remembered as a person who has endured the problems I face from day to day – great or small. I am not wanting to be famous in my own right. I want to be me and whatever comes my way, I will do what is in God’s plan for me.
I find writing a blog somewhat hard to do sometimes. I do not find it like writing in a diary. It feels different and what I share in my blog is written for others to know what type of person I am. I struggle, I plow on ahead no matter what I am struggling with and that depends on how fast or slow I go with that plow. My life is like every other life out there except my road is different from others. I came from a wonderful family that has struggled with divorce and remarriage as time moved on ahead. I have developed friendships growing up and some of them have stayed or moved on to different friendships. I have even walked away from friendships because of stress or drama. I have felt that walking away from people was always a sign showing me that growing up is hard to do and I no longer have anything in common with certain people. I do have to admit that I have allowed someone back into my life a few months ago now she is gone because she had died of cancer. I struggled about with my feelings and thoughts when she called so many times. Did I make a mistake? I could not go to her funeral when she passed! What kind of friend was I? A coward once again. I had another friend in my life who I allowed back into my life, but I began to see some major changes in this friend that really scared me. When she ran into her issues and demons, I felt scared to help her. I eased her out of my life for good after she moved out of the building for the second time and I prefer no contact with her whatsoever because she denies she needs help. I can do for this friend now is pray and keep her as far away from me as possible. I have my health, spiritual needs, and demons to deal with and if I feel unsafe with others, I will not have them in my life anymore. I know that is not how a Christian should act, but I am once again imperfect, too. I will continue praying for those I have walked away from throughout the years. I also praying for myself at times of need, too. I am not totally selfish. I do have a heart.
Not only am I here to share my spiritual struggle as a Christian, I am here to share the need for something that is bigger than life itself. I am here to show that imperfection is everywhere around me and I want to share those imperfections with others to show that we are not alone in this world. My friendships with some people have diminished into nothingness and I know Jesus would not have shunned those people if he was physically here like I did. Does Jesus love me any less? No, he does not, but if I do not clean up some of my attitude today, my place in heaven will be lost – not can be lose – will be lost, and I surely do not want that. Would you?
For a while now I have seen this world become so political more so than anything else. We have been divided since Adam and Eve’s sin in the garden, but we are so very divided politically now more than ever. The Democrats and Republicans are not working together in congress, and people do not like the President of the United States who happens to be Donald Trump. The Republicans are fine with him, but not all the Democrats. It is sad. There are Democrats I do not like, and I am guilty of saying unpleasant things about some of them. I do not like Nancy Pelosi in her position in congress whatsoever. As a person and human being she is, I still pray for her and the others I do not like. That is all. Getting into a political debate with people is not my forte or wish I want to come true. I just wish that the division was over, and we can be happy once again. Growing up was hard to do back when I was a teenager and now that I am an adult, I find it even harder at times. I hate taking sides. I am happy to be the person I have become and what areas I have to work on are works in progress daily. Everywhere I go, I am going to run into something I do not like. It is part of growing up and being a better person I believe
I am not proud or happy with some of the things I have done that were mentioned here. I have struggled a lot to reach some of my imperfect actions to make them right again. I have cried many tears for acting a certain way to some of the people who were in my life or still are in my life. I dislike the idea of being imperfect. Wanting God to know that I am always wanting Him here with me all the time is definitely a need, I find my life as a human being a great life despite all of my struggles and needs of God. Do you mind praying with/for me daily and often? Please and that is all I ask. I love Jesus and I know he has died on the cross for me and other believers, but I need my relationship with God to be much stronger at my weakest because I am tired of Satan’s attacks on me. I AM READY TONIGHT TO DO THIS:
Are you ready to make that decision? If so, you can go to Jesus and share your desire to receive forgiveness for sin and begin an eternal relationship with Him. Pray something like this:
Jesus, I admit that I am a sinner. Thank You for dying on the cross to pay the penalty for my sin. I now receive You as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life and make me the kind of person You want me to be. Amen.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. It was a great pleasure writing this letter and expressing my thoughts openly with others. May God bless others in the time of need for people all over the world. God knows all and He knows us all as we are the apples of His eyes. He wants to save us all from the evils and sins of the world even though he cannot. We have been given the ability to choose thanks to Adam and Eve’s choice in the Garden of Eden. I choose life. What do you choose?
The above “letter” form is what I shared, and I am sharing it now. It is entitled “Imperfection”. It is a title that I came to name because I am an imperfect being in this world of sin. I struggle with my inner demons on a regular basis and some days Satan does not give me the rest I deserve. He is “Satan” is a scary angel of deceit and I have seen a lot of his work on people as well as myself. God is the very one I need to go to every day of my life. I need to pray without ceasing, but because of imperfections, I have to be reminded to go to God. Satan scares me and he’s happy about it.
As I sit here and think about what I wrote and shared here, I find myself wondering why I allow some things to bother me so much. If I did not worry as much as I do on a regular basis, I would not have anxiety or panic. If I rely on God on my worst day, I would not be anxious or panicky, right? Have I been sheltered? I do not believe so although I believe I am not told some things I have the right to know as soon as certain things happen around me. Am I that picky? I must. My life does have some questions I would love to ask family and friends, but not always can my thoughts be expressed openly by mouth like writing my thoughts on paper. I am not understood by some people or they just do not want to hear it. That is so frustrating, and it makes me feel so emotional with feelings that make me imperfect in this sinful world. It is like I cannot defend myself in some areas with certain people in my life. That is why writing comes easy for me more than speaking my thoughts with some people.
Since my last hospitalization, which still comes easily from my memory, I have come to trust less than I have before. I have become more reserved to the point that allowing certain people in my life has become a little more sheltered. It has become a little scary for me and that is where prayer is most needed right now. I want to be able to trust certain people again. I need a stronger backbone now, too. I need to continue to fight for the rights I believe in, but I have to do it the right way. I am not very political and with that said, I do get angry about some political events when people do not get along and work together. This world is so political now that my faith of the political system has become one big “WHAT THE HECK!” It is all about power now-a-days and selfishness or self-righteousness that goes in the wrong direction most of the time. I even cry sometimes because I am sad.
Today is dialysis day at the dialysis center. I will be heading there in a little while. Every Tuesday DKF goes with me and sits with me during the 3 ½ hours as we chat and do our own things. I have come to Tuesdays being “giggle day” because we can get the giggles over the silliest thoughts that come out of our mouths, and DKF is very good at getting me to giggle and laugh on my worst day every time, lol. I still sit and say hello to other patients I have become friendly with, read, and relax during those 3 ½ hours being hooked up to a machine as my blood is being cleaned of its impurities, toxins and fluid. Some dialysis days are better than others, but I always go and come back home with the best foot on the ground even if it slower some days.