Family or Not
Remember when I mentioned that I have been struggling with something for years in my last entry titled “Back” today before 7 PM CST? I am going to write about it now and let it rest forever in the past from this day forward before it eats me alive and kills me because I am so stressed out and unable to concentrate on what matters to me the most. After talking to the tenant about what I was having difficulty letting o and forgiving on May 5, I have realized that I have been having troubles letting go and forgiving other people as well. That is the reason I took a break from writing in my diary the past few days since May 7 and just now returned. The reason for taking the break was to determine what really matters to me and who is and isn’t in my life today. The title “Family or Not” does not strike me as an odd title when it comes to what I am about to share today. It is about immediate family today.
The last time I saw my brother, his wife, and two nieces and nephew was during the week of Thanksgiving 2008. When I had returned home from vacation, I had received a phone call from my brother about something that I apparently did, and he was scolding me for it. Why? Beats me. Ever since 2000 when I began visiting my brother and his family, I was always finding myself getting calls from my brother saying I did this, I did that, I said this, and I said that wrong, and it caused me to feel uncomfortable and I knew what I did or didn’t do as accusations were brought to my attention after every visit. When I was there, visiting, I would accidently keep my brother’s wife awake at night because I snore due to sleep apnea, which I have had since I was 12 years old – at least snoring. She would come into the area I was sleeping and pull the blankets and sheets off of me during the night with an attitude that was of a mad dragon about to burn what was its path. Remembering her doing that in 2008 after my parents and sister from AR had left. I’ve had enough of the abuse I was getting from my brother’s wife as well as be accused of things I did not do, and I took the year of 2008, and did not bother calling them. I did contact my brother in 2009, and the welcome I had received was expected to be what it was – not comfortable for my brother nor his wife. In the conversation I do remember saying why even though it was not the truth, and my brother knew it wasn’t the truth from the very beginning. Smart man. Along in the conversation we were having was about my eldest niece, and under any circumstances was I to have any contact with her whatsoever. The reason was not said, but as the weeks and months continued, I had learned why. It will be not disclosed as I have respect for some respect for my brother’s family’s privacy. With me telling my story here is somewhat of an invasion into their personal life, but I do need to share my thoughts about my brother one last time before letting go of it all for good after today, May 15.
By the summer of 2009, with attempts to contact my brother after he told me that I could call, I have learned more about the family dynamics and drama brewing in the immediate family, and I discontinued calling. My attempts to call my brother and his family ended at my end, but on occasion I would get a call that would come as unknown, a blocked call from their end. I could voices in the background as someone would be holding the phone. Being the observer that I am, I recognized my brother’s wife’s voice immediately chatting and laughing among other voices that were also in the background. Talk about rude, childish, and dumb. I did not know that my brother and his family would stoop that low to do such a prank call. That is when I had learned more about the drama my family was dealing with. I had learned that my brother’s wife had said some things to someone I love dearly that were uncalled for, mean, nasty, and horrible in letters sent to the member. Now, I was told this by a reputable family member, but what not told what was said in the letters. I just know that there were some things said in the letters were not nice. It has been an uphill battle ever since.
Now, since I had learned of my transplanted kidney’s fate with a chronic kidney disease called glomerulonephritis, I have been really worried about my brother and his family knowing about it because he and his wife, and kids – now all grown up – have Facebook pages and some friends are mutual friends, and I feel that I am being spied upon by certain “friends” who are also friends with my brother and his wife. I do not find that at all cool. I have some followers who are not friends on Facebook, but I have blocked my brother, his wife, and their kids from Facebook, but that does not mean anything anymore when it comes to social media sites like Facebook and Twitter. Anyway, since my brother and his family do not want me in their lives, I feel the same right now, and what memories I have about my brother and his family I do have – good or not – will remain as memories for the rest of my life. My brother has not been in my life since 2008 and that will be what it is – family or not. If they do find things out about me on Facebook and other social media let it be just that and continue on with my life without my brother in it any longer. Why stress over something I have no control over? I am moving forward without my brother in my life as I have done so since 2008. I know what I did and what I did not do, what accusations are true or not if any of the accusations do really pertain to me or not. My brother’s wife is not a nice person and she is the one who has made my brother stop communication with his side of the family for some reason or another, and my mother and her husband have had no contact with them since my nephew was a baby. My mother has considered my brother dead for years now even though my feelings about that is not considered dead since my brother is very much alive and soon to be 52 years old while I am going to be 48 years old in two months.
Now that I have shared my story – my side of it – I can now say that with the past few days of thinking about letting go and forgiving certain people can now actually happen. My brother has chosen his idea of family. It is time to close this chapter of my life for good and move on. I will let go and not speak of my brother and his family again from this day forward. I have people in my life who are family and friends to share my life with as long as I have them. I am not going to be afraid of my brother and his family anymore. They are gone. Thank you for reading and listening to my story today.