Expressing My Feelings Here

Please forgive me for what I am about to express my feelings about, okay?  I have lost an ex-boyfriend in a car accident a few years ago now and for some reason this week I thought about my ex-boyfriend DC and his roommate RS.  RS has been the sort of a speed demon at times, and this is what killed my ex-boyfriend DC and RS.  RS’ stupidity at the time is really unknown but hearing what possibly happened was definitely something RS should not have done while driving – trying to get past another driver real fast and losing control over the situation and killing himself and my ex-boyfriend in the accident.  My feelings towards this is that I blame RS for this.  Why is this set upon my heart now after a few years?  My mind has been working overtime on things that I have no control over lately.  I thought I would bring up my thoughts and feelings out into the open to show that I am a normal human being with a natural flaw in life we call the blame game, and the idea of it being so true that I have feelings.  /

 

When I had gotten that call one September morning, my heart was torn into pieces.  I do remember the call came from the IDS (Independent Disabilities Services) from my DSP when they had gotten word about the situation as RS and DC, and their other roommate ME were also clients/consumers of IDS as well. ME was not in the vehicle that day.  I had learned of the visitation and funeral services for DC and that IDS workers were willing to take those whom were planning on going.  No doubt I was planning on going to pay my respects.  Even though we were no longer dating, and I have heard he was engaged, we were still very good friends, and I respected his girlfriend/fiancée very much although I did not really know her except her name at the time – now since forgotten.

 

Now, as far as I am concerned, I have no idea as to why I suddenly wanted to blame someone – RS – for killing my ex-boyfriend and himself in that vehicular accident.  It just was a moment of weakness missing an old friend I have not been able to see for a long time now because he is no longer here.  I believe that missing a former teacher from middle school the past couple of weeks is what brought on my missing a dear and old friend who is no longer alive.  I am glad that I will be going to pay my respects to the family of LJD on May 5!