A Whirlwind of Thought

I know I am a very bright woman and learn things fast when it comes to things I am very interested in (in my world) but when someone does not understand my faith and beliefs, and going to church on Saturdays and Sundays I still find myself disappointed and hurt.  I did not become a Seventh-day Adventist because I had to or needed to; I became an Adventist because I know that the seventh day of the week is the true day of worship.  Seventh-day Adventists worship on Saturday mornings.  When God created the heavens and the earth in six days and rested on the seventh day of the week.  When Jesus died on the cross he died on Friday and rested in the grave on Saturday and rose on Sunday.  Even Jesus followed the Sabbath accordingly.  I am a Sabbath keeper, I am a Seventh-day Adventist, and I know and understand the Bible to my knowledge/ability.  I have a Bible (more than one) in my home for reading pleasure, understanding, study and guide.  I read the Bible daily or close to every day.  I read a devotional whenever I can (catching up now and again after two days of missing) but I do not lag that far behind in Bible reading.  My faith is not the type of church I attend (reality) as my faith is indeed in my heart (sometimes dashed) with the need of a refresher course from time to time.  I love God and I know (a sinner as I am) He loves me.  I am one of His children.

Okay, I do have to admit that the past several days now, since NMS’ passing I have come to realize how hard it has been to deal with her no longer here.  I talked to my Pastor’s wife last night expressing the hard time I have been having with her leaving us yet knowing she is in no pain now and waiting patiently for Jesus’ 2nd coming.  This is another one of misunderstandings of the Seventh-day Adventist faith by Christians who attend church on Sundays.  I just read the Bible and I will find my answers, needs, and understanding there.  The idea of someone else taking her apartment now does not give me great pleasure as NMS has lived in that apartment since 1986 (for years).  Even though the idea does not please me right now I know that I do not have any control of that at all.  I have control of me not others.  I miss NMS very much is all.  A memorial service is yet to be announced and closure is still looming ahead.  I believe that is my problem.

Please do not take my thoughts here and twist them to your satisfaction in misunderstanding.  I have been feeling as if I do not belong in places of the building with certain tenants looming not too far behind me.  My trust in some of the tenants here has become more difficult in the last few weeks (since the Christmas dinner party) because of gossip among most of them is always happening.  I myself being a topic of gossip and rumor right after the party did not please me then and still does not please me now.  Talking about other’s flaws will send trust down the drain and out the window so fast heads will spin as mouths drop all the way to the floor.  So many people in this world do not have anything to do but to disarm other people’s inner securities and make them feel like scum and have low self-esteem issues in life.  I sometimes have low self-esteem.  I am too trusting at times that it is dangerous so I have come to the realization (a long time ago) that having a group of friends is not what makes you popular but makes trouble.  That is why I stick to myself, social media, writing, reading, church related activities weekly and worship services, and other Christians who do not see me as a threat or the enemy.  Not everyone understands me and how I relate to others or understand.  Okay, I must be having some emotional issues going on that is making me anxious, paranoid, and feeling a little unsafe beyond the apartment door I open to exit and re-enter when going and coming back once again this month or my emotions are spot on with how I am exactly feeling in truth.  It sounds pathetic, doesn’t it?