More Thought This Monday Morning

Some Extra Thoughts This Morning

I am sitting here wondering what I have to do for the next few months because my kidney transplant from 28 ½ years ago has started to die and I have had a lot of doctor appointments since September of this year that range back from August of 2015 when it all started.  My kidney has been dying out for the past two years when last summer my kidney started to show signs of CKD more so in my lab results and urine.  The protein-creatinine ratio began to rise from August to February from 1.47 – 3.65 the day of my first biopsy on February 1st of this year, and from my second biopsy and line of blood tests my protein-creatinine ratio is now .3 as of October 31 but my CKD has worsened a little bit from February 1st to October 31st.  Ever since September 14th I have been thinking about dialysis and my want to have to hemodialysis instead of peritoneal dialysis like I first did before my first transplanted kidney from my mother on March 12, 1988 and that was one experience I went in head first without any warning of my own two kidneys have failed to almost non-existing organs in my body for some reason or another.  I did not have a biopsy done on the kidney that was remaining.   I just do not want to be on peritoneal dialysis again after having three experiences being on that kind of dialysis at age 17 for almost 5 months before having my first kidney transplant. It was scary at times.

Today I am not scared as I have had my first transplanted kidney 28 ½ years and the kidney has had a wonderful life before it began showing signs of distress two years ago or so and the kidney has had good mileage like a classic car in so many words.  My mom and I are impressed with how long my kidney has lasted during the years with minor troubles along the way.  We are both okay with the idea of seeing this kidney go and become a martyr (per se).  It has outlived it purposeful life with great honors in my way of thinking.  Remembering how scared I was at age 17 diving right into the pool head first has not been totally forgotten but today I am pushing ahead with more doctors in the loop than I have had in the past and my head held high and my chin up despite all the emotions I have been dealing with outside my health care and needs.  I have shed many tears, not because of my kidney’s health, because of my personal life at “Peyton Place” is on a very rocky road right now.  I have come to trust only my PCW’s, IDS workers, my SDA church family and a few friends from high school (both Milton, WI, and Janesville, WI).  I have come to trust very few people where I live the past few days.  That is where my heart is aching badly enough that all I can do is concentrate on what I have to do medically right now.  Tears have been shed and I know there are more to come.  I have to let my life become more private with the people inside the building now more than ever.  I cannot allow people in my life who are going to think I am someone I am definitely not.

Morning Thoughts

Monday Morning

It is Monday morning around 6:50 – 7:00 AM.  I have been up 6 AM or so all slept out for the night.  With 9 hours and 36 minutes of sleep under my belt I have decided to get up and beginning journaling for the day.  I have come to find that talking has become harder to do the past several days I have decided to write out my thoughts, feelings, and do some venting where necessary.  I have a lot on my plate right now with medical appointments, scheduled visits from Almost Family and IDS despite my wants to have them here.  I do not plan to have a shower today since I had one at 2 PM but MP can still come at 9 AM to do other things my PCW’s do when I do not want or need a shower.  No, I am not refusing a shower, I just do not need one this morning.  I am still not really in the mood having people come today from Almost Family and IDS.  I really want to be left alone or just be alone today.