Acceptance

Okay, TV’s off, the A/C is running, and I am sitting at my desk on my laptop.  I just finished watching (mostly listening to) a recorded episode of “Pretty Little Liars”.  I have two more episodes to watch yet this week.  I record the show every week when it is on.  Anyway, like I said in my first entry titled “Let’s Snap Out Of It Now, Please…” was absolutely no joke or random thought.  I DO NEED to get back into the swing of things once again.  Being down in the dumps for the past month now HAS TO END and I have to move on.  I did not keep my counseling appointment this week with SW because I DO NEED some time away from doctor and counseling appointments running back to back on Tuesdays for a little while.  I feel I have been on the go ever since RM has passed and did not have a lot of time to mourn her death.  Now I am definitely doing just that and moving ahead along with it.  I still do my scheduled grocery shopping, showers, food preparation, and Bible study or fellowship with friends on Thursday nights right here at Burbank Plaza Apartments, and go to church on Saturdays.  Well, now it is time to give out my heart in my diary/journal so others can see where I am right now.

I am spiritually inclined to read the Bible daily or almost every day anyway so I have done that this morning before my shower gal RK got here this morning despite the time I actually began thinking about getting online to play games on Facebook and chat.  I have spent the past few days (or month) feeling that my time on my computer did not really matter much.  The break was worth it from August 14, 2016 – August 23, 2016 to be very honest.  This entry is going to have a mixture of spirituality, personal, and understanding of where I sit today.  Despite the fact that I have not journaled lately or much the past several days my thoughts have still spun in my head for revealing later on.  The time away from journaling has been worth it to the extent that I needed a vacation.

My kidney transplant coordinator is off on vacation this week and I needed to ask a question about the cramping I have been getting in my fingers and toes over the weekend.  I know it means that some counts are low due to my CKD so I called and left a message for the coordinator who was taking her place yesterday to get some answers about the cramping.  No big deal really,  The cramps I dealt with on Sunday were just very annoying and uncomfortable to the extent that I did not like it very much.  I have dealt with cramps in fingers and toes, and other symptoms of CKD before when I learned that I needed a kidney transplant 28 1/2 years ago.  As of September, it will 28 1/2 years since my transplant and 29 years this October/November I found out I was ill.  Please do not ask how I remember something like this as tragic and traumatic it was to a seventeen year old teenager who thought her life was completely over or going to be over if the transplant did not work out as well as it has for the past 28 years now.  Hmmm…since February 1, 2016 when I learned that I was NOT having kidney rejection but the tests later showed that I have been attacked by a disease of some sort attacking the glomeruli in the kidney that was a relief and God has given me yet a third chance with the transplanted kidney when the transplant 28 years ago was a second chance.  Okay, this is where the spiritual part comes in and I talk about God.  Yes, God,  He is my friend – sinner as I am – who loves Him very much.  I have rededicated my life to God again March 2016 and have not regretted ever since.

I have come to terms that I have CKD.  I have accepted the idea that it is happening again.  Now, I do believe I would not have readily accepted it if it happened so close to when the transplant took place on March 12, 1988, but I do readily accept it now.  I have a wonderful kidney transplant team working on my behalf to keep the kidney disease at bay a little longer and so far the medication I have been put on for the disease I have has been doing its job and I am okay.  I just experience some CKD symptoms from time to time or my counts are a little low somewhere.  I go to Madison UW-Madison on September 14th to see Dr. S for my 6 month checkup as well as my yearly checkup from last September.  I have to thank Jesus for walking with me through my kidney health and entire life.  I do love Jesus very much and what I am praising about today is that I am still alive and happy with a bump in the road along my path.

Let’s Snap Out Of It Now, Please…

I really need to snap out of this funk I am in.  I need to get back to writing, studying the Bible, reading, and watching my most favorite shows of all time on my DVR box.  I have to back to things I love – whether it is what I love to do or just plain love.  I did need a week off from doctor and counseling appointments this week and it is the same until September now, so I have no appointments next week either.  I need to set up a plan to write every morning again without time constraints or crunches.  I have been very relaxed about that lately since the 14th of August – until yesterday actually.  I NEED to get back on track.  I am at the age now that death and dying is around me.  I am no longer a child who needs protection from a parent or grandparent and in reality, ever since I have lived at Burbank Plaza, death has come along with living in a place like a apartment complex for folk 62 years or older.  I am not the only tenant under the age of  62 living here but no more young people anymore.  If young people want to live in a subsidized housing complex in Janesville, Wisconsin, they will have to live in Garden Court or Hamilton Terrace in Janesville.  Those who are still under age 62 here have been grandfathered in.  I love it here even though some of the tenants seem to hold something important to this place.  No, I stay out of trouble…no worries there.  I hate gossip and that does happen here a lot on a daily basis actually.  Cliques even happen AFTER high school.  LOL

Gossip, rumors, and such just continue and continue no matter where we live.  I know for a fact that RM’s death last month did not upset a group of tenants…it pleased them actually.  My heart burned with anger towards those tenants and believe me I wish that people would just get along no matter what.  I am dealing with emotions to the extent that death has hit me four times since July.  When gossip and rumor runs around I’d rather stay home and away from other tenants but I have to snap out of this horrible funk I am in right now and it has to start TODAY!  The world evolves around me whether or not I am a part of something or not and I NEED to be a part of things again.  This funk NEEDS to end NOW.