Scattered Thoughts

Sometimes I find myself at a loss for words whereas other times I am not.  I am quiet and shy at times whereas I am not.  I am who I am because I was born into this world of different sorts.  I am handicapped because I have a condition called cerebral palsy.  I had a kidney transplant almost 28 ½ years ago now when before the transplant my life was of a normal teenager enjoying life being rebellious in nature, immature, a liar who has learned that lying does not get you anywhere because once your parents find the truth consequences happen.  Yes, as a teenager, I rebelled like most typical teenagers.

In the last four years I have come to the understanding that if I do not wise up I will not get too far in life without God.  It is time to wake up from silly ideas and dreams although I still dream big on some ideas that are more realistic.  My emotional health depended on it and getting the emotional help I needed and wanted – not to grab attention or sympathy from others – I had found the right people to get the help I needed.  Do I regret getting help from psychiatrists in the hospital?  No, I do not.  While in the hospital for three nights and four days, I have come to realize who is in charge of my life other than myself.  God is control of my plans in life.

I have come to understand that God is in control more and more as the past four years have come this far in my life.  Do I expect anything more from God?  No, absolutely not.  Sometimes when God speaks to me and write my thoughts on paper – in this case typing words across a computer screen or using my cell phone’s Microsoft Office app – games are not played when I write.  Writing what has sparked my interest in life from one day to the next is not any different from writing in a journal – private, shared, or on a thumb drive to look at later – I do sometimes write journal entries that express my feelings of the time.  Do I look back at the entries I have written?  Yes and no.  It really depends on what I have the reason for to look back.  Satan can attack when it comes to writing in a journal but when it comes to thoughts that God has shared with you, whether it is through a sermon heard at church, a song sung by someone who has the ability to sing spiritually/Christian music and it sparks an interest, it is God who is in control of my thoughts and feelings at the time,

I will admit that my life is like an open book when it comes to sharing my thoughts with others and I have to be careful at times.  I have been hurt very badly through some relationships in my life and have hurt others in the process.  I am human and a sinner who is doing her best in life with what she has going on emotionally, physically, mentally, and psychologically.  It is not easy being me – a Christian and a believer in Christ.  I have come across many barriers that have driven me to tears and feelings of hurt and regret but I will not discontinue sharing my life with others as long as I have breath in me and God has not yet taken me home to be with him.

Last year brought my belief in God out even more because of the kidney transplant I had ran into a little snag showing the kidney was in some distress.  A kidney biopsy done on February 1, 2016 showed no natural kidney rejection, blood tests showed no antibodies built up causing the kidney distress, but as the kidney biopsy test results came back all done  had learned that I have CKD (chronic kidney disease).  I am so grateful for what the doctors were able to learn about me, my transplant and my life in that way.  I have great respect for transplant team who has been assigned to me.  I have found solace in my health and the care my transplant team has offered me for a very long time now.

In recent weeks I have come across a lot of emotion within such a short time that I still feel I am healing from what has gone on in my life emotionally.  I am not worried about my kidney as long as my doctors are not worrying.  I feel I have dealt with every emotion in the past – almost three weeks now – that have reared some ugliness out of me.  We had a death in the building, our buzzer system went down in a real bad thunderstorm because the lightning struck the building, and the buzzer system was fixed yesterday morning before I left for my lab appointment for my doctors in Madison, Wisconsin.  The death was of a friend and neighbor I had gotten to know since she moved in here a few years ago.  She was my friend RS’s friend and sometimes I was able to understand RM and other times I was not.  Before she died I wised up and got to understand her better and when she died my heart ached, I felt and saw unhappiness displaced as well as shock.  How she has died is unknown but speculation is rampart but not gossip.  RM was not very healthy but happy.  I have no idea if she knew she was going to die but the day before she was found dead in her bed from her PCW (personal care worker) she and her worker talked about dying.  Who really knew if she was going to die other than God knowing she was that night in bed and being found in the morning with her spirit no longer there.  Her body was all that was left.

As for the buzzer system not working for almost two weeks was beyond understanding.  Tenants, including myself, were questioning when the buzzer system was going to be fixed.  We all did learn that what was damaged during the bad thunderstorm we had had to be ordered to replace the damaged part.  Having my DSP (Direct Support Professional calling me to be let in, having my PCW’s calling their home office to be let into the building got to me a little bit when the buzzer system took over but if something is not working right, a phone call is the next best option.  In big cities like New York, in expensive apartments, tenants have someone calling them to see if the tenant wants visitors.  Since I live in a subsidized housing complex for the elderly and those who are on special incomes, the idea of having someone call your apartment is not an option.  Today, after days of a buzzer system not working and had been fixed yesterday the buzzing coming from outside my apartment was nice to hear.  I missed it and did enjoy the quietness while it lasted even though I knew not having a working buzzer system in a secure-locked apartment complex is potentially dangerous.