Don’t Feel Sorry For Me, Don’t Pity Me, I Will Be Fine

This title suits me well today and so please take it seriously.  Thanks!  As of today, after yesterday’s conversation with NMS, I am no longer going to call, see her, or bother with her ever again from this day forward.  Our friendship is FINALLY over – I want this.  I have cried hot, angry, confused, and countless tears when it comes to us for the very last time yesterday.  No more NMS!  She has pretty much stated that she does not want our friendship to continue anymore after she said the most hateful and hurtful things she could possibly say after all these years.  The past three years, anyway, she has said some hurtful and hateful things to me, and yesterday WAS the last time she will ever say hurtful and hateful things to me for the rest of our lives.  I have shed countless tears yesterday and my heart is still broken and I wash my hands of NMS for good from this day forward. I am still hurting and tears still stroll down my face, and my voice yet does not sound cherry enough this very day.  This nothing to laugh, say I am sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time because that is not necessary to do that so please do not say I am sorry to hear you are having such a rough time.  I have had my fair share of troubles with NMS for the past three years now and she has become a very hateful, hard hearted person I can not explain any further than that.  I will let her deal with her own life without me in it from this day onward, and let her deal with God herself from now on.  I am not the only person who is at fault with relationship woes with friends.  it takes two people to have a relationship and it takes the same two to have a problem, and it takes two to end a relationship, too.  I am not always having relationship problems with people here you know.  So do not feel sorry for me, pity me.   I will be fine once I snap out of my brokenness and hurt feeling.  I will find happiness again.  I may hold grudges a lot but I do eventually soften back up again.  Even with that said, I am done with NMS for good even if I soften back up again.

Good Night

Good night and sleep well tonight everyone!  God bless!  Please go to Dear Diary and see what is said there.   I am NOT a person to reckon with right now.  I am very unhappy and indeed saddened of the day’s events this afternoon.  Cannot really keep my eyes open anymore this day.  Night!  Good night and God bless you all.  More enties … I will be back to work tomorrow;  Yawn!

Good Morning, Sprung Ahead An Hour, It’s Not the Same But It’ll Do


Good Morning
Good morning! I had awakened at 7 am this morning after heading to bed, finally at 12 midnight, turning my clock ahead an hour before climbing into bed for the night. Slept alright but was a tad bit restless after 5 am with only 5 hours of sleep but still got up at 7 am this morning! AARRGG!Sprung Ahead An Hour

Time may have sprung ahead an hour on every clock and electronic thing in my house except for mysound spa and microwave, and the rest of me did not spring ahead as quickly this morning – still up at 7 am. Feeling a little confused at first when I had awakened I decided to make the best of my day anyway at 7 am. I keep mentioning 7 am don’t I? Oops, lol.

It’s Not the Same But It’ll Do

Okay, watching a favorite Disney movie on TV is not the same as seeing the movie in the movie theater may not be the same thing but it’ll do for now. I was channel surfing, looking to see when Murder, She Wrote aired this afternoon, I decided to see what was on Live TV this morning that would get me out of my confused state of the hour change – ahead and not behind. Found Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe on the Family channel. Even though I have missed a little of the 1st movie, I turned to it anyway and began watching it to where Edmund went back to the White Witch without his older brother and two sisters. It was halfway through the movie by then but I did not care. Also saw that Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian was going to be on after the 1st movie. Woo hoo. It made my day even though I am watching and listening to commercials at times. It is not the same but it’ll do today. Having a very good morning now. I am out of my confused state now thanks to Aslan, my favorite King of… Narnia and Peter, Susan, Lucy. and Edmund are back! Another woo hoo.

I have seen all of the movies so far that have been made with the children:  The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, Prince Caspian, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.  I enjoy the movies!  I can watch them over and over again like the Harry Potter movies and books.  After I get done reading “Little Women” series written by Louisa May Alcott, I will read the Chronicles of Narnia series again – the next time finishing the series by CS Lewis …

One More Thing!

LOL…

I am not going to let these stupid spam comments ruin my journal.  I am on the careful watch of what is said in comments before approving any comments, and I love this feature at New Dear Diary.  I had a dratted spam talking about Viagra.  For goodness sakes… what the heck!  Oh well.   I had a great laugh tonight before retiring.  Now, good night! I think it is finally “good night” lol.  Tomorrow now.  Another “yawn” again.  Amen!

Final Thoughts For March 10th

Well my friends, I have to admit that I had a great time out with my best friend SJ.  We did not get to go to Wild Buffalo Wings tonight as planned.  We got there and saw a long waiting period so we went to Applebee’s instead for supper.  We still had chicken for supper though.  In fect we had a 2 for $20 supper of an appetizer and entree.  Delicious!  We had onion rings for the appetizer and we both ordered Blackened Chicken Penne for supper.  Drinks were different, though.  SJ had Diet Coke while I had Kiwi iced tea.  That was a delicious semi sweet drink for me.  Yummy supper, too.  I was not disappointed that we did not get to Wild Buffalo Wings tonight as planned because I hate waiting for more than 15 minutes around any time of the eating hour, lol.

It is 2 1/2 hrs past my bedtime so I am going to get my jammies on and go to bed now.  I will write more tomorrow when I get up for my day sometime.  Good night and God bless.  ”Yawn”.

Feeling Odd But Not An Odd Odd Anyway, LOL

It does not seem an hour and a half has gone by in my wee world at this moment.  Nothing new has happened yet exactly except running to the bathroom a few times already, watching Live TV at the moment, had watched some recorded TV already, and been engross in “Little Women” the past few days and now cannot put the darn Kindle Reader down without disgust and the need.  Bing Crosby the kitty has been loving and full of meows and patience this day for me that is so nice.  He is not demanding my lap this day so I have it bear with my Kindle Reader in my hand or my cell phone playing Words With Friends, Scrabble, and android games I love most on my cell phone.  I will never go back to a standard cell phone unless I REALLY REALLY REALLY have to.  My mind is overthinking a bit at the moment and yet I cannot put down my Kindle reader too long to write my thoughts over the screen here much too long.  Bing has had his so-called washing of self on the living room floor and I told him that CSE was not coming down at all this weekend and after supper, it will be our weekend with no more company coming after KB leaves for the weekend – my 5 pm shower about 2 1/2 hours away, supper with my best friend SJ, and then the rest of the weekend all mine and Bing’s.  I still have NOT started my “Anxiety & Panic Disorder Journal” my IDS caseworker MM wants me to write and look back on every time i fall into another anxiety and panic spell like i did two weeks ago.  The anxiety and panic spell I had two weeks ago practically mimicked the one I had a year ago around the same time.  It is believed in my heart that this horrible panic attack I had this last time that mimicked the one last year has something to do with Winter turning into Spring now.  I know who and what triggers my anxiety and that is real good.  Now I have to heal.  Well, I better go and begin writing my “Anxiety & Panic Disorder Journal” before I have to really think about getting ready for my shower and evening with my friend SJ.  SJ is gay and we are real good friends.  I love him to pieces for being such an honest fellow with love and understanding of women and men both.  I do not give a darn if my friend SJ is gay.  He is a good person!

Anyway, having dinner with my friend SJ does not mean that I will stay up real late.  I do not up past 9 pm much anymore unless it is an occasion and since it is Saturday, I do stay up a little later but not very much later than usual.  I have a set sleep schedule and want my 8 to 9 hours of sleep to regenerate my body.  That is one reason why I resume to sleep in my bed again instead in my recliner or on the futon in living room now-a-days since February 29, 2012.  I have changed my ways a bit once again – a little late.  I am trying to do my resolutions – late of course – now.  Time to make some serious changes in my world.  My sleep last night was great and I slept very well all night long – dreamed something I cannot remember now – strange but true.

Again… More later.  Good bye for now once again.  ”sigh”

Hello

I wanted to say hello and good morning before the morning finally escapes me.  I have two Dear Diary journals to keep up with now – love it!  What I share at my Dear Diary site will or will not be shared here.  It really depends.  I will sometimes copy and paste here but not everyday any longer.  I will still write here and write there but not always the same thing for personal reasons.  My life is my life and I will share it whenever I wish.  Like at Dear Diary, I will tell it like it is there and here – same place I know but sometimes I find it better here.  I am thinking about coming here on a permanent basis but that is still in the thinking process yet.  I am always in the thinking process – overthinking as well, lol.  I still love to journal despite what i think or do daily.  Soon afternoon will be here. YAY!

Bing, my white kitty with the nicest blue eyes is being such a good kitty today – has been for the past few weeks now most of the time.  We have been sharing time together more lately.  Now that I am sleeping in my bedroom once again since February 29th, I do have  to admit that Bing’s attitude has softened and become a joy once again.  He does throw an attitude once in a while but lately no major problems and no worries from this mom of his.  I love him no matter what.   I have slept in my recliner twice since the 29th now and it is such a joy to be able to go to my bedroom and sleep comfortably there once again.  Not scared of my room anymore.

I do have to admit one thing.  My neighbor upstairs is still a questionable character yet.  I only saw her once since she moved into the building and I hear her everyday in her apartment going across the floor with her power chair or wheel chair she uses daily to get around,  Her dog does bark often and the past few days I have heard the barking less but her noise more, lol.  What the heck is wrong with this place?  My apartment is one place I can call mine still and … the rest of this building is not even my problem.  I will associate with the manager more than anyone else in this building – once to twice a week and every month when my rent is due.  I can really stay away from everyone else in the building and yet I am not a hermitess and do not intend to be one even though my apartment is my refuge and my mainstay and place I can call mine.  I really want my own home though but then again the noises I hear at TM will no longer be heard and the silence of apartment noises will be forever silence and I cannot stand total silence everyday.  Anxiety and panic will set it big time in minutes in that case, lol.  Maybe anxiety and panic will not exist at all anymore either but then again I cannot afford my own home yet.  Apartment living is it for now for the rest of my days possibly yet.  Not sure yet.  I have homes to go to yet thankfully.  I have aunts and uncles still alive, parents and one sister alive,  Need I say more.

Okay, enough of my rambled life.  Gotta go!  More later maybe.

I Have An Ouch Today…

Okay, pain and I do not get along at all. My pain threshold is very small and I can feel every ache and pain now and then. It can be rather scary sometimes. Today the pain/ache is not scary at all… just unbearable sometimes. It comes and goes as usual. I think that I am having some aches is because I have my dratted period right now but I am still glad I get my period every month on time regularly. I have had my walk this morning while shopping at Wal-Mart Superstore so walking is not necessary anymore today. I walked a lot today from one end of the store to the other and back to the nearest door to the vehicle JP and I came in. I was even limber enough to get in and out of the vehicle without a problem and that made me feel real good. I do have some good upper strength. With my little aches and pains coming and going – cramps also coming and going in my right foot, I am hanging in there. My ankles do not seem to be swelling much today either – a side affect I have before and during my period – not too bad today or this time around. I have not cried a lot before my period came but I think that my major anxiety/panic attack was what happened this time – two weeks before my period actually finally arrived. AARRGG!! So I have an ouch today… I will be okay.

Now that I have an ouch today, I am laying low somewhat but still do what I can and be lazy all day. My period is heavy today so I am laying low and comfortable and feeling I am changing every hour.Sorry for the grossness everyone but I do feel gross today until after my evening shower at 730 pm.… Just remember that I will tell like it is at times. I will be okay. It is only 230 pm in the afternoon. I have watched Mission Impossible, Judge Judy, Charmed, and did some reading this afternoon. All seems to be in order for now… All is good now.

Maybe more later…

Another Hello & Good Afternoon…

Hello

I wanted to say hello!

Good Afternoon

I have done my walk this morning while at Wal-Mart while shopping.  Got picked up at 8 am and got shopping done by 9 this morning and home between 930 – 10 am this morning,  The office at TM was yet not open when I got home.  JP and I put groceries away and she stayed for a few minutes and then left leaving me to defend for self for the rest of the day and early evening – 730 pm – 845 pm shower tonight.  Yay!  I am looking forward to seeing KB tonight and tomorrow.  I like KB, RK, YE very much.  I did like DB once but not anymore.   I believe we got too close and things just got rocky and problematic for both of us – I was deeply hurt by DB’s all of a sudden actions of craziness I guess.  Yes, I am still remembering her too well yet.  Anyway… I can definitely say it is a good afternoon.

A Quickie

I thought I would come here now and say a quick hello a good night early because I really need to concentrate on my reading right now. I am pretty much written out my life for Thursday, March 8, 2012. I have gotten my needed phone call from my kidney coordinator, JS, a little bit ago regarding a generated letter that I received in error and JS said they, Madison, does not have a problem with me getting my labs drawn, seen by a doctor, or warranting any health concerns from my end at all. JS would never have a problem refilling my needed prescription medications for my kidney transplant of almost 24 years whatsoever when theJan letter stated they would not fill any prescriptions until I saw my doctor and or had my labs drawn. Even JS made sure to tell me that she got my message from last week regarding getting my monthly labs drawn here in Janesville, Wisconsin at the clinic I now go to after Dr. H has left and I have not returned – new doctor – new clinic. That was all taken care of. I even talked to the worker at the Job Center regarding my MA/Food Stamp review this afternoon after the lunch hour. I had gotten my walk regimen in and I even talked to NMS a little while ago about some happy news for a new kidney transplant patient who has been awaiting a new kidney – cadaver of course – soon to come in. My kidney coordinator is on call tonight – organ call they call it. How exciting. I think that is what I heard this evening. I wish the very best for this new patient this very moment in my own little life. I even called my favorite middle school teacher a while ago and we chatted for a while before she had to go and finish getting dinner ready for the evening for her and her husband. All seems well in the front lines tonight. Now, not totally sure yet, but I am expecting company around 7 pm tonight. I really do not trust CSE anymore and she NEEDS to develop her trust again with me big time, but she is going to be company tonight. Sometimes, most of the time, I know when she is trying to get online upstairs because I cannot get online down here and I asked her to come down and use the internet here on her computer so there is no connection problems for me tonight. I told her that it can be very frustrating if I am in the middle of something and all of a sudden I cannot get online to finish what I am trying to do – failing. I hate failure and failing. I want success in life – failure does not exist in my world anymore. I hope to God she shows up tonight. I still believe her excuse yesterday that her darn caen t was being problematic was a very lame excuse and she could have yet come down and helped me through the damn night. She can be so damn selfish even though she did say she came down to let me know – I did not ever hear a darn knock on my door and I do not believe she even knocked at my door while I was gone Monday. I was here ALL day Tuesday and she said she knocked at my door. No she did not! I believe she lied to me big time again. Trust is a big issue with me and she is going to have to build her trust again – entirely. I do not think I will ever trust her anymore anyways. She has burned too many darn bridges with me.

Well I guess “A Quickie” is the wrong title for this entry, hmmm? I believe so. Not funny but true in the mostest. Well good night and God bless all of my Dear Diary friends. Have a great night. I am off to do other important things such as read and take care of my emotional needs before company, if company, arrives at 7 pm as planned. Ahhh, gotta run and play Scrabble and Words With Friends. Good bye for now.