It seems to me that Dear Diary is not allowing me to be on tonight – says it has reached its bandwidth limit tonight. ARRGG! I guess it is okay – another break is needed anyway to get my thoughts in order anyway. I still really want to be on my DD page writing my thoughts and feelings of the day right now, though, but I cannot have it my way right now – bandwidth limit is happening. AARRGG! So this is the next best thing I can do right now – write my thoughts anyway – elsewhere and post my thoughts later. A break is nice, though. Once again my world is a little quiet right now.
Changes Are GOING To Be Made
I really do not know, anymore, how many times ”changes are going to be made” in my world to this day – date – and it is pretty scary. I cannot make New Year resolutions anymore because all of my New Year resolutions are always broken. I cannot make any promises whatsoever anymore, either. I have, in this year 2011, been so hurt by one person alone and not by several people like last year. Walking away from people who have hurt me so many times is not easy at all but those I have walked away from are yet not in my world again and they will stay in the past. I just wish, seriously that if could be done with CSE. I have said so many time I do not like the person she has become – name change and all that has come along with it since I have reconnected with her in January – before she changed her name from CKR to CSE. I do not understand her and never been able to because CSE has not ever allowed it – her past has hurt her that much that she is erasing her past life and her life as CSE has become a very scary person. I have expressed my hate of her lately to the point that it is even scaring me to tears and I have cried a lot this past week because of how I feel – what CSE has become – and I am deeply hurt over and over again. I have vowed I will not allow her back to my place but then I am one person who allows her back into my world, down to my place, that has happened over and over again … and again and again and again. I am not perfect by any and all means. I am a kindhearted soul and being. I want peace, like how I portrayed my dad’s mother to be growing up, like the next person. I hate war – the war in Afghanistan as well is hated by me too even though I am forever grateful for our American soldiers of our armed forces who are fighting for our freedoms and rights in the United States. I am even very grateful that I have been given a second chance after having a kidney transplant I had 23 years ago – another emotional war I have dealt with for a while now – the past few weeks actually. Changes do need to occur once more before the year 2012. I need to make changes in my world and I am having a very difficult time – not able to put my foot down and keeping it there! I HAVE TO DO THIS! I REALLY DO! AARRGG!!
944 pm Tuesday Night
Dear Diary is still not allowing me to be online there so I will see about getting there tomorrow sometime during the day after my shower – if I get up before my shower and check then too. I still wish I could be there right now, too. AARRGG! Oh well, a break from Dear Diary again today is kind of nice. I will come back tomorrow now and write more. I think I am all talked out now anyway. I do not have to go anywhere tomorrow or Thursday and I can do more writing tomorrow and Thursday all day then. I still have not begun writing my book still to this day. I do not know what is preventing me to do so either. I need to find the energy to begin writing – energy the past couple of days have been not there. It needs to come back.
Meeting SW In Counseling
Anyway, before I forget and head to bed without mentioning it. I met SW today and I like her. She is a keeper as far as the recommendation my now former counselor PS gave me. My IDS caseworker MM and I met her today and I really like SW very much. She had a lot of questions and I did too but there was only an hour or so of time for my first appointment with her so MM and I have another appointment set with her in December. I still have questions and still want help. She even gave me an assignment to do for the next appointment! I really like her! WOO HOO!
I am going to say good night and God bless. Even though I do not have any plans for the next two days – Wednesday and Thursday – I still have to get up at 8 am or a little before and have my shower. Good night and God bless. At 956 pm Dear Diary is still not allowing me on. I have to wait until tomorrow now.