Still Up & Awake

I am not having trouble getting to sleep much but here I am still awake. I must have gotten my second wind about 1030 am. I am watching Perry.Mason right now. I have always like that show and the movies that were on TV. I watched Perry Mason with my dad a lot of the time. What’s on TV now-a-days just blows my mind and I do have my favorite programs to watch — a routine per se.

More Thought

I do have to admit that today’s quietness with no one around after DB left at 915 am was fantastic. I am looking forward to another quiet day tomorrow after DB leaves after my Thursday morning shower. i do have to admit that i am in relaxation mode and dopey feeling but I am going to wait until after 8 pm to shut all the lights off and relax for the night in my recliner. All I did today was watch Live and recorded TV, read a little bit – a few pages of Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows. Yes, I am rereading the story – 7th book – again after watching the 2nd part of the movie series just to read it again. I am in chapter 5: Fallen Warrior a page or two. I am feeling better – as of today – down below – that reading has been happily recommenced once again – reading while waiting for my rides while at appointments has been done but I believe it was done so forcibly while I was not feeling the greatest the past three or so weeks. Having my monthly last week did not help matters emotionally nor did it complicate things too much. Today I am finding myself yet a little weepy but doing okay for the time being.

I have no idea what will be as far as December is concerned. I cannot believe it to this day – last day of November that is – that 2011 has one more month left before 2012 comes into play. I do know that my doctor Dr. H is leaving to work elsewhere out of the city, my now former counselor PS is retiring, and Christmas and New Years is on its way for the upcoming weeks. I will not see Dr. H anymore as seeing her one last time will upset the apple cart of my world. I just can not do it. I do not feel comfortable saying good bye. I will call once a week until further notice that Dr. H is no longer at Mercy Mall Clinic…

I am having a fairly good day. Like I said earlier, I still feel a bit emotional – not sure if I am dealing with some depression or just feeling the after affects of being frustrated and the Thanksgiving Day holiday ruin. I was telling MM the other day that I wish I was with my parents – in NM or AR – for the holidays. It stinks to celebrate the holidays with certain people like I did last Thursday.

More later…

Now and Later

Earlier I ended up talking to my mom’s husband about Amazon Prime and that he set me up as a gift from him and Mom yesterday. I could not have asked for more to be very honest with you. Anyway, we ended up chattering about 45 minutes this afternoon about computer stuff and Kindles, IPads, Android phones, and the internet. You see, my mom’s husband is the very man who got me involved with computers after my 8th grade year when I was introduced to my very first computer keyboard – Apple it was. I was 13 years old when I was introduced to my first computer and loved computers ever since and have had a Commodore 64C from age 17 – age 24 before getting my first DOS operating system – a computer that I do not miss. I love Apple!

I have nothing much today really. I have watched Channel 967 for awhile today and now watching Rizzoli & Isles – a recorded program from Monday night on TNT. I have no plans tonight and plan on taking it easy. I have yet to begin writing my book I have been itching to write for the past two weeks now – yet to begin! Bing is laying on the futon watching the world outdoors on this partly sunny afternoon so I have time to have the laptop on my lap at the moment. Today is not a very bad day.

More later….

Some Commercials

Honestly, having a voice about commercials, I believe that some commercials need to be taken off and other forms of advertisement is done. Three topics I have difficulty talking about, due to the great diversity of the three topics, are religion, sex, and politics. I watch a religion channel that is called 3ABN. I read the Bible and share verses I find worthwhile to friends and family, and express my thoughts about what I learn about the Bible with a select few – family and other Christian friends. I do not get too involved with politics but have an understanding of what is going on in this world when it comes to our nation and I am forever grateful of our soldiers in America fighting for our freedoms and rights, and what is necessary to keep this nation going, but listening to politics on a day to day basis can be depressing. Sex, on the other hand, seems gross and no one’s business but those who have sex. A commercial about a product called Pos T Vac is something I feel needs to advertised elsewhere and not the TV. Kids watch TV during the day and they need not see such commercials like how a man can have good sex erection with his partner/mate. Ewwww, gr oss, and something that does not need to be on during the day. Even Jerry Springer is aired after 10 pm here when children should be sleeping because of the content he has on his shows. I do not watch many talk shows anymore other than Anderson Cooper and Dr. Phil but I have not watched some episodes because of content as well. I am speaking openly about it now because I find my voice needs to be heard – my opinion of course is only from one person.


Dear Diary Now

I have to have more patience in this world of mine that’s for sure! I did wait until this morning to get online at Dear Diary this morning and it is allowing me to get on. A lot of people must have had the need to write last night that the bandwidth was at its maximum and not allowing me and many others on. I am able to get online today at Dear Diary – a good thing this end now. I was feeling a little upset last night for some reason and I was not understanding why on a few things in my own world last night – still somewhat today too. I am glad Dear Diary is allowing me on this morning. Thank you Dear Diary.

Good Morning??
I kind of woke up in a funk this morning but got myself going the best I could at 7 am this morning. I wanted to get up a little before DB arrived to help me with my shower this morning and was able to get going even though I wanted to lay down and watch more TV. I had to begin my day somehow with some time for myself before company arrived for an 1 ½ of the day. I have no idea what I plan on doing today except read, watch TV, be with Bing, and write my heart out in vent, thought and feeling, and play my IPod games ALL day long.
Changes Yet To Make

I know for a fact, a good one at that too, that changes need to be made in my world to make it less stressful and less frustrated for me. I have never felt so frustrated with one person before now and now I have experienced it and I hate it with a passion. I keep coming to this in my thoughts as if it rules my life right now and I need to take control of my life once again. I need to cut CSE out of my life for good and put my foot down and keep it down for good and give it a chance to work. I have never been hurt by one person as much as CSE has made me feel. I will never understand her and I just do not know why I am trying so hard to understand her and get into her world when she is the one who is got the brick wall up. She has become a person unknown to me and NMS that makes her a very scary person today – someone who should be avoided. Is she competent in taking care of herself or not? She acts like someone needs to make decisions for her. I am sick and tired of her acting the way she does – can not erase the past of her so-called former life when she was CKR. I cannot stand venting about her anymore so changes need to be made once again – before 2012. I need to cut her out of my life in order to stop the hurt and keep the frustration down. I do hate her – the person she has become – unknown to me. I do literally hate her personality and person, and her being. I know it’s unchristian of me. Sorry to have said such a thing. I am only human and I make mistakes in haste thought. The only thing is these haste thoughts have been popping in and out for the longest time now – her being late all the time! She is not going to be helping me anymore. She won’t be taking care of Bing with me, she will not be coming downstairs to my place anymore because she continues to act strange. I am on my own with help from my shower gals, my worker at IDS, and other friends I can trust totally. That is one change I am going to make and put my foot down for good from now on starting today. She came down the other day to deliver two cookies to me and a couple of other tenants was the last time I saw her. She will not be n coming down unannounced anymore – I will not answer the door anymore when she knocks. No more Carrie. I do not need someone like her in my world anymore.


I have had my shower, dressed in comfies for the day, watching an episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent on my cable’s DVR box, Bing is giving himself a bath, my shower gal DB is here until 915 am and then the rest of the day is all mine and Bing’s. No major plans made – was wanting to go to the corner store but it is too cold to go out in my power chair this morning. No major snow yet but in the forecast Thursday – tomorrow at 20% chance – so snow may not come at that rate. I am sick and tired of my thoughts reverting back and forth on CSE now – driving me crazy big time. She won’t leave my forethought or even my back thought. I have been tired the past few days because of my forethought being on her over and over. I am sick and tired of it – can’t revert my thoughts to anything else – even comedy on TV channel 967’s METV! AARRGG! I need a break from this place, the people who live here, and a break from my so chaotic thoughts and world – how chaotic is my world? Not chaotic because I am not busy enough anymore since work is not available for me until next Spring now. I hate my thoughts right now since I am only thinking of CSE. I HATE HER THAT MUCH!


I will be back later sometime.

My World Today


It seems to me that Dear Diary is not allowing me to be on tonight – says it has reached its bandwidth limit tonight. ARRGG! I guess it is okay – another break is needed anyway to get my thoughts in order anyway. I still really want to be on my DD page writing my thoughts and feelings of the day right now, though, but I cannot have it my way right now – bandwidth limit is happening. AARRGG! So this is the next best thing I can do right now – write my thoughts anyway – elsewhere and post my thoughts later. A break is nice, though. Once again my world is a little quiet right now.

Changes Are GOING To Be Made

I really do not know, anymore, how many times ”changes are going to be made” in my world to this day – date – and it is pretty scary. I cannot make New Year resolutions anymore because all of my New Year resolutions are always broken. I cannot make any promises whatsoever anymore, either. I have, in this year 2011, been so hurt by one person alone and not by several people like last year. Walking away from people who have hurt me so many times is not easy at all but those I have walked away from are yet not in my world again and they will stay in the past. I just wish, seriously that if could be done with CSE. I have said so many time I do not like the person she has become – name change and all that has come along with it since I have reconnected with her in January – before she changed her name from CKR to CSE. I do not understand her and never been able to because CSE has not ever allowed it – her past has hurt her that much that she is erasing her past life and her life as CSE has become a very scary person. I have expressed my hate of her lately to the point that it is even scaring me to tears and I have cried a lot this past week because of how I feel – what CSE has become – and I am deeply hurt over and over again. I have vowed I will not allow her back to my place but then I am one person who allows her back into my world, down to my place, that has happened over and over again … and again and again and again. I am not perfect by any and all means. I am a kindhearted soul and being. I want peace, like how I portrayed my dad’s mother to be growing up, like the next person. I hate war – the war in Afghanistan as well is hated by me too even though I am forever grateful for our American soldiers of our armed forces who are fighting for our freedoms and rights in the United States. I am even very grateful that I have been given a second chance after having a kidney transplant I had 23 years ago – another emotional war I have dealt with for a while now – the past few weeks actually. Changes do need to occur once more before the year 2012. I need to make changes in my world and I am having a very difficult time – not able to put my foot down and keeping it there! I HAVE TO DO THIS! I REALLY DO! AARRGG!!


944 pm Tuesday Night

Dear Diary is still not allowing me to be online there so I will see about getting there tomorrow sometime during the day after my shower – if I get up before my shower and check then too. I still wish I could be there right now, too. AARRGG! Oh well, a break from Dear Diary again today is kind of nice. I will come back tomorrow now and write more. I think I am all talked out now anyway. I do not have to go anywhere tomorrow or Thursday and I can do more writing tomorrow and Thursday all day then. I still have not begun writing my book still to this day. I do not know what is preventing me to do so either. I need to find the energy to begin writing – energy the past couple of days have been not there. It needs to come back.

Meeting SW In Counseling

Anyway, before I forget and head to bed without mentioning it. I met SW today and I like her. She is a keeper as far as the recommendation my now former counselor PS gave me. My IDS caseworker MM and I met her today and I really like SW very much. She had a lot of questions and I did too but there was only an hour or so of time for my first appointment with her so MM and I have another appointment set with her in December. I still have questions and still want help. She even gave me an assignment to do for the next appointment! I really like her! WOO HOO!

Good Night

I am going to say good night and God bless. Even though I do not have any plans for the next two days – Wednesday and Thursday – I still have to get up at 8 am or a little before and have my shower. Good night and God bless. At 956 pm Dear Diary is still not allowing me on. I have to wait until tomorrow now.

One Minute

I do have to admit that I do not have a lot of time right now to say much but wanted to say hello and have a good day. My day has been semi-busy – every Tuesday is like this semi-busy day – but today was my shower day and cleaning, food prep, and today I have an appointment at 2 pm I will be leaving shortly. I will be back later this afternoon and do some more writing and expressing my feeling and thought. Good bye for now and I will be back later. God bless! I am off to meet a new counselor – a recommendation from PS my now former, soon to be retired counselor. Have a good early afternoon. God bless!

Good Mornung


Good morning and here I am awake listening to Beverly Hillbillies on METV this morning and watched a few minutes of Love, American Style – missing the 1st fifteen minutes – and Family Affair starring Sebastian Cabot, Anissa Jones, Brian Keith, and a couple of others I have no names for I actually remember at the moment. So far so good of a morning even though I have only had 5 to 6 hours of sleep from last night. Anyway… Time being 627 am, I have an 1 1/2 before EE comes and helps me with my showering this morning and I am taking it easy til then. Ahhh, today is going to be a good day no matter what. No one is going to interrupt me today all. I have to make a couple of phone caat hlls today but I am going to accept certain phone calls today and all. After the holiday, Thanksgiving holiday, I do have to admit that I am a little emotional yet. Thursday did not turn out the greatest for me – at home here and not with my families – NM or AR this year. CSE help[ed make Thanksgiving day one of those day I have found unpleasant and not fun for 2011 at all. I have never have been so let down as much as I have with CSE in the picture! But still here I am still allowing CSE in my life, my world, my place! AARRGG!!

All Night, LOL

I fell asleep just fine but last night I slept with the kitchen and living room light on all night, kept my glasses on my face all night as well, as well as the TV! Oh my goodness gracious! LOL! That does not happen too often. Anyway… I slept all night with everything on! That surprised me actually. When I had awakened, I realized that my glasses were still on my face and I did not even notice that they were never taken off. I was shocked at first but then realized that I did not have to put them on my face right away this morning in order to read what is necessary to read right away.

Two days before December 1st already! WOW! Thursday will be December 1st and before long the Christmas Day count begins. Another WOW!

Ahhh, I Better Say Good Night

It is definitely past my bed time now, lol. I better say good night and God bless now since I have been dosing in and out of sleep for the past two to three hours – not sure how long actually. I have my monthly so tiredness kicking me big time the past couple of days along with other emotions such as crying and frustration. I will be okay, though. It has been one heck of a weekend – this four day weekend really kicks me into such wonder all the time lately. I really love METV now and will add that to my list of channels to watch now. No more RTV? Cool, I guess. Well… anyway…

Good night and God bless for the night and I will be back tomorrow before and after my shower.

Tomorrow’s Definitely Plans

Listening and watching METV, begin writing my book, shower – not in particular order of course – and having the day to myself if necessary.

Better Than RTV but Still Retro

Okay, today I turned to Channel 967 that WAS RTV and now is METV. I was planning on watching RTV but came to find out it is now METV… Anyway, not sure what the channel will bring, I have decided to watch a little bit of Live TV and see what this channel is all about – as I watch… it seems better than RTV to be very honest here. I have watched some real good and wholesome TV programs from the 60s and 70s now. The shows I have come across today are not like the time 40 to 50 years ago anymore but of course times have changed along with the whole entire technological world. I sure do miss the good ol’ shows of the past – wholesome and not real TV or what the call reality TV. I do wish, in a way, that reality TV existed on the airwaves back in those days. Boy, times have definitely changed!! Oh well. I do wonder what shows they are airing on METV on Mondays through Fridays. I have an inkling what is shown on the weekends as of today now. I am recording Columbo tonight. EVEN PERRY MASON TV SHOWS ARE ON METV HERE! WOO HOO! I think I will record that show tomorrow … hmmm? I LOVE this channel more so than RTV! Even Love, American Style is on this channel along with Jack Lord’s Hawaii Five-O. Another woo-hoo! Yay!!!

More later…