A Birthday To Forget

I had a brother – not anymore – still alive but no communication whatsoever. Today is his birthday. This is one day I wish I could forget but certain days and dates come flooding into my world now and then and today happens to be my brother’s birthday – a brother who is dead to me. I wish I had communication with my brother but he chooses not to have any contact. Why do I think of my PA family? Dang! I want them out of my life for good but days and dates are bringing memories up and out and this is one month. Oh, snap! Next month is his wife’s birthday and it is on the 26th – I think anyway. I do not remember anymore. AARRGG! I guess, since there is no communication with my PA family anymore maybe it is a good idea that I am beginning to forget when his wife’s birthday is. She is definitely dead to me anyway and so isn’t my brother and their kids. They are dead even though remembering birthdays and anniversaries occur here in my world. AARRGG!!


Now with my shower taken and my shower gal KB has left I have the evening to myself now. I have no plans on seeing CSE tonight at all even though we saw one another last night for a while after my shower gal left. We had plans to watch a couple of TV programs before we retired for the night. I do not see CSE much anymore because I don’t call her much anymore and I have her blocked on my cell phone so she can not call or text me anymore. I told myself I would not have her down at all today. By 930 pm I did want company for a while but did not call CSE at all after all. I took advantage of my evening tonight. I bought a game for my IPod Touch — Bejeweled 2 that includes the classic game, endless, blitz, and another game that is for Bejeweled. I am hooked on that game as well as Cafe Workd, Farkle, Farmville, and Fatm Town — have not plated Farn Town in a while and started back up again this weekend anyway. I have been playing Farmville Express on my IPod Touch this weekend have rarely been on my computer laptop but that is going to change starting Monday after my 8 am shower. I need to hit the hay real soon now anyway. Not sure what my plans are for tomorrow yet. I am debating on having CSE down for a while but in the far reaches of my mind/brain is saying no need for company tomorrow either. We shall wait and see.

As time passed, slowly and too fast at the same time tonight, I do have to admit that I had this idea that this high school colleague would call me again but he didn’t and that was a relief to my mind. He had called me at 912 pm last night and I didn’t answer — muted the phone and put the phone back down and watched an episode of Chatlie’s Angels — 2011 remake of the 1976 TV show. After the show, Friday night, CSE left to go home.


I have no plans of inviting CSE down tonight so when I was in my shower tonight KB locked my door. We were able to talk freely about a couple of things that were private between us. CSE comes across to KB a very strange girl who needs help with her mental state of mind. She was telling me, KB, that CSE’s separation anxiety with Ethan the cat is why Ethan misbehaves, does not listen, and that he acts out all the time. Even a couple of weeks ago while a neighbor was visiting my apartments for a while, this neighbor/tenant told me that when she visits her friend she can hear CSE yelling at her cat. I have always thought that CSE’s cat is too high strong for her. KB ad a good point tonight. I was impressed and I am in agreement with KB but then again there is nothing I can do or say to help CSE since she shuts down, clams up, and tunes people out. NMS and I are worried about her but we can’t help her. She is in denial big time about her mental health. She is ill/ very ill!! I wish we could have an intervention and make her get help for her problems she is having. I can understand why her immediate family does not want nothing to do with her anymore. She has changed big time as well as her name from CKR to CSE earlier this year. The idea she changed her name still bothers me a great deal. I just do not understand why. I feel that CSE’s past has really caught up with her and has made her a semi-bitter woman of today’s world. I am one woman who does plan on changing my name or my sex orientation. I love my name and if marriage does happen in my world, I plan on putting an hyphen beteeen my maiden and married names if husband-to-be lets me or I might do it anyway. I feel comfortable in my female body that God gave me. I can understand, even Biblically it’s not right, why people feel trapped in the bodies that God gave them. I just won’t change my sex orientation like Chasity/Chaz did. I have had my problems growing up and as an early adult, but I have gotten help for my issues and still getting help for my emotional state. I take medications….

So I stand in wonderment of my world to this very day now. I am still sifting out the negativity in my world to this very day. Sometimes I still wonder if I am right in my own head. I have gone back and forth with CSE so many times until last month. I rarely see CSE now. Our lives do not mix well anymore.