I can not wait for October to be gone for another year! Let November come roaring in now. CSE gone and the place is all mine.
I did see CSE last night for a while and I do have to admit that she acted strange and I did not like it whatsoever. She scared me so much this time that I have vowed to be careful with her for good and be careful asking her for help from now on starting today. With October leaving for another year after today, November 1st will begin my regimen without CSE in it as often as she has been in the past. She came down for a while after asking if she could and I told her that it was fine – sounded fine until she got down here anyway. She just acted so strange after getting down here and it had NOTHING to do with this very day being Halloween. Her mental world was crazy in her head and I saw it clear as day real well and I did not like it whatsoever. I was GLAD when she left at 9 pm and exited my place. We said our goodbyes tonight for the last time for a while once again. I am going to talk to NMS about CSE’s strangeness as soon as I can later this week. Now I understand what KB was talking about a few weeks back when CSE and I were in good standing and now we are not in good standing. CSE does need help BIG time for her problems. She was very strange tonight – scary and definitely frightening. She was a BIG help tonight, though, I have to admit, too.
Yay! Today is the very last day of October 2011 and I can let October go for one whole year until it comes again next year 2012. I really do want to forget this month – at some point – even ever existed as rough as the month was for me – again once more did a month be a rough time for me emotionally and somewhat physically, and somewhat mentally. This month was rough for me because I did not feel good for three weeks of it and wanting to not see two birthdays and an anniversary of a family I want to forget for the rest of my life – being disowned by the family in PA. I do dislike my brother and his family more and more as days grow without communication from anyone in that family – a brother I consider dead and already in the ground forever and he also considers me dead and already in the ground as well too. What a jerk and jackass he really is – wife and kids included – dead! What bitches and bastards they all are being so sick and cruel and nasty to the family in front of their faces slapping them hard and talking ill and cruel behind their poor backs – mine included unfortunately in their eyes dead and already in the dang ground. Sick as they are and I do not feel sorry for them. I am pissed at them all! They better not come crawling on their hands and knees to my front door and knock and be allowed in because they will not be allowed in my home after how they treated me and my most loving and caring family. My SIL may not have lied to me about how my family once talked about me but my SIL is out of my life now and not even considered a member of the family to me anymore either. Yes, I am hurt and royally pissed at my PA family big me that the anger inside me builds up harsh all because of them assholes of today’s world. I wish my big ass brother would divorce the bitch and leave the damn kids behind for good – their sick and crazy bitches and bastards and my brother is a bastard for allowing such a woman to be the ruler of the damn household! My SIL is such a royal bitch and pain in the ass in my book. I am sick and tired of remembering my PA family as much as I do – all hurt by them all.
I did not sleep in this morning. Yay! I was able to get up and going before 9 am today! Another yay! I began watching more recorded TV shows on my DVR box right away, took my medication, and began playing games on my IPod, reading my next Laura Ingalls Wilder book Little Town on the Prairie and of course, writing in my journals and diaries. I am going to be lazy this day but I am going to be defending for myself. No company today at all. KB is not going to be here anymore this weekend helping me with my shower. I am NOT going to be seeing CSE this weekend anymore either or at all this upcoming week. I will NOT be accepting any phone calls from CSE this week either or the rest of the weekend – today. This is going to be my day and no one is going to be in it except Bing Crosby the cat.
I have already finished watching the 2007 version of John Carpenter’s Halloween movie, watched two 1/2 hr episodes of The Flintstones, 48 Hours Mystery, and Dateline NBC, read, did some writing, and have been playing Pet Shop and Pet Hotel, and checked my email quickly. I am defending for myself today.
I am feeling better today. The antibiotic I have been taking and the last dose is Tuesday morning is taking care of the bug my UTI has this time, and I am feeling good down below once again. I do not feel so tired right now whereas I was tired from all the anxiety and the infection taking over my world for a while but I have my life back because I am in control once again. All is looking up again. Yay!!
I have about 20 minutes or so before KB gets here. I have been here writing, watching a movie and now The Flinstones, and waiting for KB to arrive very patiently. I am so looking forward to my shower this evening! Until then I have had breakfast of saltine crackers, lunch of fish and spinach, and busy playing Pet Hotel and Pet Shop, and reading The Long Winter. I am having a VERY good day today. I cannot believe that I slept in late but I did need my sleep after such a rough, emotional week, and not feeling the greatest – darn monthly time too. Yuck!!! Anyway, I have not seen CSE at all and do not plan on seeing her at all this weekend unless she calls – lol, she can not call me – I do not need her here this weekend. I am taking time for me now and letting CSE have her own life for a while again. We get along okay but I am afraid that things will happen again and she seems not to care what time is for me. Her time and my time are two different things I guess. KB has been helpful this weekend. After tonight, I won’t have another shower until Monday morning then. I can live without one shower a week.
I did not get up until 1030 am this morning! If I did not wake up and head to the bathroom, I believe I would have slept the entire morning away but that is not certain at this time but I do believe it would have happened, lol. Anyway, I spent the rest of my morning watching TV, reading some of my The Long Winter by Laura Ingalls Wilder, and got online here almost right away. I am not getting dressed today so I am wearing my house dress for the entire weekend. I even felt hungry so a little after 130 pm I decided to have some lunch after having breakfast of saltine crackers before and after taking my antibiotic and medications for the day. I had fish sticks and canned spinach (my veggie) for lunch today. Since I started the antibiotic, I have been eatisng less or saltine crackers only because that was all I could stomach but noticed my appetite for more food had come back yesterday so I am taking it slow. The fish and spinach sure did taste real good. I did not, excuse me ladies and gentleman, have a bowel movement yesterday but did a couple of times already today so I am not constipated and that the bowels are moving. Bing Crosby the cat here has been quite near – in sight for me – today and he has just moved himself to a kitchen chair after having a bite to eat from his food dish and water to drink. He was laying on the back on the recliner above my head for about 2 hrs but time is not really known. He was behind me above my head when I ate my lunch is what I do remember and I began eating about 130 pm or so at least – so I believe it really was an hour he was on the back of the recliner. I have also been playing games on my IPod Touch this morning and afternoon – Pet Hotel and Pet Shop ever since I got myself going at 1030 am. It is now 230 am… 2 1/2 hrs away from my shower for the evening and then the rest 0f the weekend is ALL mine. I am also watching/listening to John Grisham’s story “The Rainmaker” starring Matt Damon, Clare Danes, Danny Devito a few other actors/actresses I have seen on other shows and movies as well that was recorded at 1 am this morning that I wanted to see. It is an okay movie but the story written by John Grisham is definitely better than the movie. I have also been dwiddling down the chapters in LIW’s book The Long Winter. I am going to be reading chapter 27 – chapter 33 before the weekend is over at bedtime Sunday night and begin reading Little Town on the Prairie before Monday – I hope anyway. That is my goal. KB will be here at 5 pm or so this evening and will be gone 615 or so and then the weekend will be all mine until I wake up Monday morning for the day. I am trying to remember if I have any plans for Monday but at this time I do not past my 8 am shower but Tuesday I will be fairly busy as I have my counseling appointment Tuesday afternoon with PS – alone because I had to cancel my one appointment where MM is in attendance with PS and I as well – ever other counseling session anyway until further notice.
More later… Back to Pet Hotel and Pet Shop, The Long Winter, and watching of TV. Good bye for now but not forever., Oh yes, my cell phone has been silent so far this weekend as far as texting is concerned. Ny BFF JS had not texting me anymore since her good morning and have a good weekend when she texted me before 1030 am. That means JS is taking a break from texting or is busy. More later and have a good rest of the afternoon. I will be back sometime after my 5 pm shower UNLESS I have some more to share, say, and write, lol. Gotta run!
Ahhh…. Evening has come and I have had shower, supper of stuffed chicken and canned corn (veggie), a few minutes ago 3 pieces of bread. I am definitely full and ready for bed now. KB left ay 617 pm – to my own devices for the rest of the weekend with the idea of not having any company – a ‘me’ weekend alone and defending for myself. I am feeling better from my UTI symptoms now and taking the antibiotic until Tuesday morning. I feel sone normalcy once again after a few days FINALLY. I felt uncomfortable way too long in my book of life/world and now I am feeling good again. YAY! YIPPEE! I am not looking forward to the weekend ending just yet but I am looking forward to the upcoming week as well. When I was not feeling the greatest from last week and this week, admittingly, each weekday was seen and done with energy that was depleated and not really there but those days were managed the best I could emotionally and physically. I did not dread the days coming but were glad the days left. I wanted to find out what was wrong with me and start feeling better again so I keep on my regimen of keeping Dr. H informed on how I was feeling and do what I felt was right during my worst anxiety time I have ever felt in my life by Monday knowing something was not right – an infection of some kind but not sure how bad if really was until I saw Dr. K in the ER. sorry about the rambling!! Anyway am feeling better and I noticed it yesterday. Anyway… I still had my showers Monday – Saturday, cleaned on Tuesday and JP did a load of laundry, checked my food situation, and left for the day, went to lunch with IDS clients/consumers at Fujis and my appetite has been good. After having Thursday and Friday eating crackers to keep my stomach with some kind of food until I feel I can actually eat a meal. Crackers were and are a good tasty filler when food does not feel like an option when anxiety has been high and food does not seem to be not an option. My body acts strange sometimes so I treat my stomach issues like the flu and food is put on the sidelines. Dr. H is always on top of my health issues and is a great family doctor. She is one I am not afraid of and one I can trust fully. That’s hard to explain about my trust in people so I will not ECM try tonight – tired now…
My evening after KB has left has been great!! I finished The Long Winter a while ago – before writing my last entry here – watched a show – comedy on Disney – and now ending my night watching a movie made this year titled Possessing Piper Rose that was recorded at 7 pm. I took my evening meds and now relaxing before bed. The movie is very good – horrific in a way that is perfect for the Halloween weekend. I don’t celebrate Halloween at all anymore but will watch a horror movie once in a great while but not too often anymore as if keeps me up all ntght after a bad dream or nightmare haunts my peaceful sleeping realm of life, lol. Watching horror movies is best done during the day in my world these days.
Life At TM These Days
With KM gone from here it seems more relaxed and filled with more light even though cloudy days are becoming more as winter looms not that far away now. A ray of sunshine has entered the building once more according to some tenants who live here. Since KM has moved, I have not heard from her but two tenants have – BB and CSE. When CSE was down here earlier this week, KM called her on CSE’s cell phone. After CSE ended the call CSE relayed a hello to me from KM. I was not impressed or even very happy about that at all. KM can call me and tell me hello herself and CSE should not have relayed a message to me at all. KM could have even asked to talk to me if CSE TOLD her I was right here but aye didn’t DO THAT! I personally wish that CSE would have more sense about some things. That is one reason, being silent about it, why CSE is not here this weekend. Yes…I am not happy with CSE again but a tad bit okay as well. CSE is NOT a true friend and KM is NOT either. I am GLAD KM is gone from TM NOW. YAY!! Now I CSE WAS GONE FROM THIS PLACE OR NEVER EETURNED here in December or January. I really hate the person she become – name and all. She has literally turned people away from her and has become cold, mean at times, and seems not mentally all there anymore. What has happened in her life was not good either but I do have to admit that I still hate the name change and I am still not really accepting her new name because I know why the name change happened and why it did was rather stupid because her past is now haunting her and it makes her more distance. She has taken me and NMS to the sidelines of her today’s world and lives her life with her new name and her ex-husband is still in the picture with his new wife and I don’t find that at all healthy – he is in the picture way too often. My ex-boyfriend is happily married and wevhave a relationship but we only talk on Facebook most of the time. Anyway….
My life at TM has been good since KM has moved away from here. I have run into some minor health issues that needed meds or the doctor has recorded about. Two more tenants are moving out in two days so we will have two more unoccupied apartments and so this place is emptying out … not sure who has been telling other people who do not live here that this place has bad management and the tenants are all kooks and nuts, and becoming I’ll-minded! KR, the manager believes it was KM doing it and I believe she will continue to do it as long as she lives in town! I also believe that other tenants are also saying things about this place as well. What I say about this place is that this building does have a hold of all of us somehow – I believe that anyway – but since I moved from the 3rd floor to the 1st floor, I have been happier longer and my world is not as emotionally dark it once was. I may not remember what I have said by January 1, 2012 but I will say this…I have been in less joint pain in the past 2 years now and my depression has been at a level of no problems. My anxiety disorder has improved but still has some work yet to be done. The end of this subject. More later….when necessary. Bedtime shortly anyway and I want to sleep well.
One Last Thought on a Happier Note/Tune
I had to vent a little … Sorry about that. Anyway…. The night closing in and Sunday soon upon me, I hav to admit that I am GLAD to seeing October go in a couple of days! I had another rough month emotionally and physically but managed once again. Yay! The movie Posessing Piper Rose was a very good movie and with a very happy ending all around!!! Another Yay!!!
Good night and God bless!!!
I am heading to bed now. It is 10 pm and I am truly tired and ready to go bed. I believe the fresh air, getting colder because it is soon to be winter now, has really helped me get tired – like yesterday’s dealing with fresh air. I did not go grocery shopping today because by the time JP, my Tuesday and Friday IDS worker was able to see me for the day, it was way too close to the time I had to get ready for my day to go to my med check appointment, and I was having a little bit of trouble getting the energy I needed and wanted to get myself going this morning. With my UTI on the med and being a woman having my monthly right now is what has pretty much done it along with the fact that when I have anxiety sleep is very hard to find and it can be two nights without sleep before I crash big time like I did last night. I am not sure yet if I will see CSE at all this weekend in passing this weekend or not. We shall see. We do not have hatred toward one another and we are getting past the hurt – I think – okay. So here I am, with one final entry for the day and evening, here to say good night, God bless, and will be back sometime tomorrow. I have no major plans this weekend except relaxation, reading, watching TV, being online, and having my Saturday shower, and getting back into the swing of things on Monday morning at 8 am.
More later… Good bye for now but not forever.
What can I say about my day? Hmmmm? I can say that I am feeling better now that I am on an antibiotic for my UTI that was finally founded on Monday while at the ER. I knew that something was not right down below there when it became uncomfortable and my bladder was acting a bit odd to me. Dr. H was not in the office on Monday so I could not go there but I did have an order for a renal panel blood test to be done Tuesday morning but I was so uncomfortable down below that I was screaming inside and the anxiety and pulse in me was very high. The antibiotic Dr. K put me on Monday night before I was discharged – not dehydrated and having to stay the night/be admitted thankfully – is working/has been working but now I can feel it working for sure. Dr. K put me on the right antibiotic without having to find out it was not the right drug my urine would be resistant to. In the past few weeks of my world I have learned a lot about how antibiotics work on UTI’s – resistant or susceptible to the urine – R meaning it will not work and S that the antibiotic will take care of the infection. From what I understand, my UTI is not a bad one. Dr. K and Dr. H and her nurses L and L take good care of me. Anyway, my med check appointment went well as well. We talked about how things have been going with me and what has been going on in my world – the panic attacks I had two weeks ago have also been mentioned. I had taken the book, The Long Winter with me to read until it was time for my appointment and while I waited for my ride to and from appointment as well. Getting back home took a little longer than my ride and I expected but I got home before 430 pm. I was even able to get in touch with Dr. Hussli’s nurse L before the office closed for the weekend. After getting home, finally lol, I do have to admit that I did not do much for awhile except watch some TV and play games on Facebook, and relax until my shower gal KB came at 730 – 845 pm. After KB left for the day, I read for a while and watched some more recorded TV and bed time is heading soon. I think the fresh air I had today has helped once again – yesterday too – and so I will be going to bed at 10 pm tonight.
I have been thinking of Laura Ignalls Wilder (LIW) and the time period she lived with her Ma and Pa Ingalls, Almanzo Wilder (even though I have not read past The Long Winter yet), the life that Mary Ingalls lived being blind, and Laura’s other two sisters. I do know that the Ingalls family did have a boy as well but he lived only a short few months but at this time have not been mentioned in LIW’s Little House series and I believe he is not even mentioned at all actually. There was a boy born into the family as well, though. I did some research on Caroline Ingalls and found that out – was TV series chapter years ago about a baby boy who did not live for very long and how LIW (played by Melissa Gilbert) took to the death of her brother – story of her going to the mountains where her Pa Ingalls found her with Mr. Isaiah Edwards a few days later and LIW was taken care of by an angel who was played by Ernest Borgnine (sp??). Anyway… The timetal LIW, the author who really lived and the TV series was supposed to be about, has been thought about long and hard for the past few hours. I went to my counseling appointment this afternoon – med check appointment with HL and MM (IDS caseworker) and talked to her about how I wish I could spend a week or so in LIW’s time and that I could live without television, a computer, and other accessories that we now have that LIW and her family did not have for a very long time such as a car, indoor bathrooms, electricity, and a few other things. I even told HL and MM that I would love to live with an Amish family for a few days to see how they live and work in their community and get away from TV, computers, and electricity for a while. I could live without my cell phone for a while too to be very honest here. I do wish I could experience the 1800 – 1950 with LIW without reading her words in a book but that is the only way I will be able to escape to another time ssand place. Anyway time, which is true, I read a story, I do find myself in the story as one of the characters depends on how I am feeling and what mood I am. Sometimes I feel I am playing Mary Ingalls character or Carrie’s, or even Grace’s. I am always on of the Ingalls children, too, in the LIW series at this time through what I have read.
As for today, technology, it is all good, helpful, useful, and technology will continue to progress and grow whether we want it or not. I find the use of a phone wonderful, computers are good, TV is progressing as far as how they have been made as well as what is shown on TV. Honestly, so much on TV has changed so since the 1950s when the 1st TV was created and put in homes. I can not really express my like for the shows of the 60s and 70s VS the TV shows that are shown today. There are no limits anymore as far as swearing, morale, and sex on TV! Oh my gosh, they do not have any sensors on sex anymore these days! AARRGG!! Back in the Dick Van Dyke and I Love Lucy days, the couples slept in twin beds and not double beds. Now that has drastically changed as time passed. With me, maybe sounding a little odd but do not care, I do not like sleeping in the same bed with another person who is either male or female – I would not sleep in the double bed with my mom one weekend when we visited her cousin DK and her husband up north while we were there for a family gathering in Saxeville, Wisconsin. My mom understood but I am not sure if I hurt her feelings or not. I think she wanted to stay up a little later and talk for a bit. Oops!! That is why I watch Law & Order series, Crime/Law movies, some cartoons such as Scooby Doo and The Flinstones (I do watch some comedy I guess, lol), and TV shows such as Judge Judy, Swift Justice with Jackie Glass, other Law & Order TV series (seen them all except Trial By Jury), and other TV shows of that genre. I am very picky with what I watch or allow others to watch on TV in my own home. I do like some reality shows but not all of them. I am not even following the Kadashians (sp??) at all. I only live on social security at this time so my feelings about watching real rich people on TV with family, drug, and problems does not please me at all. I watch soaps from time to time but not everyday – that is why I am falling far behind in getting my TV recordings watched now-a-days – these days. I have my own emotional and physical problems and I will admit that I go see a and take meds for my anxiety and depression disorder and say how my appointment went and what was talked about, but it does not happen all the time – I don’t think anyway… My life, what I don’t share with others is not anyone’s business. I am a semi-private person become more private as I get older and experience more of my world. I rarely go to the community room now to play cards with my neighbor BB, HC, and a few others. What goes on with other tenants here in the building is not my business either so I stay to myself. Even that said, playing Gin with my neighbors is fun when I am in the mood to communicate with others outside my apartment. That is why I want to live with an Amish family for a while or escape to LIW’s life in her stories, and get back the morale of today’s corrupted world. So much has changed!!!