My World Today – 9/26

I am feeling the tears well up in my eyes and I have done some crying today out of frustration of what has been going on in my life lately. I am so glad that my mom called me tonight — we usually chat on Sundays but she had company last night when I called she told me she will call me today — and I told her what has been going on the past few days and today because I was feeling like crying out of frustration. The weather is rainy and wet, and very windy right now and it just is a tad bit too much for me today because I miss work a lot right now. I have found a job I really love now and my world right now is filled with things I cannot explain fully because I do not understand why I have been in tears all day. I do have to admit that having asked CSE if she could please come down for a while tonight and her response saying, “is it necessary, I am thinking of going to bed.” has really upset me to the point of wanting to scream and cry at CSE for being such an insensitive person and the CSE I once knew before she changed her name was not like what CSE is now. Her words cut me like a knife very badly and I am not happy right now. I do not know CSE anymore and I am beginning to realize that IK may have never really known CSE at all since she has been here from January to the present day. In fact, I do not like the person CSE has become actually. She is negative and not a very trustworthy person. I do not even know why I am wasting my time with CSE and continue to have her help me if her world is so different from mine now when it once was the same years ago? I do not know why I keep asking her to help me and my kitty out when I know CSE is not the same person I once knew and she upsets me so much. I feel like such a user when I am not a user according to those who know me well and see that the help CSE does give is special and kind… Her words cut me like a knife today, though. I had to play a game on Facebook in order to distract me from texting CSE a message stating that I have never heard of such a friend as insensitive as she is and that her problems she is dealing with are so obvious that she needs help professionally. I am glad I have friends like JSL and a good support system Monday – Saturday.

Speaking of my support system Monday – Saturday, I talked to my case manager from IDS this afternoon shortly before 5 pm this evening, We talked about why I have felt so weepy today and that I am feeling that now that I have a job that I love so much everything things to have snowballed from one thing to another. I miss work and once winter comes, it is not going to be easy getting into work so I will be working from home. The fall that I had on September 13th scared me to no end, and I have seen my doctor on Tuesday of this past week, and everything seems to be like an emotional roller coaster ride for me once more now that winter is not that far away. AARRGG!!

Today is not a good day for me at all I have noticed. I am going to say good night and watch TV, read Little House on the Prairie, and snuggle with Bing if Bing will come back on my lap in a few minutes.

Good night and God bless. I will be back tomorrow – weather permitting of course. I will be okay. I have a counseling appointment tomorrow afternoon at 2 pm. More later and I hope everyone else has a good night. Good bye for now but not forever.