I forgot to talk about something… aarrgg!!! Anyway…here it goes…

With October coming, this is the month of Halloween, trick and treating for the kids, and the holiday parties begin before Christmas – Thanksgiving plans on many minds. Anyway… Halloween is on my mind but it is not anything good in my way of thinking. I remember having fun dressing up in a costume of some kind and going door to door in the country and in the city here in Janesville, but the joy of Halloween no longer exists but in memory of my past enjoyment. Today I do not see the meaning of Halloween anymore knowing what Halloween and Hallow’s Eve is really all about religiously. It does not seem the same anymore anyway with the fact that kids have to go out trick and treating door to door when it still daylight out and be done within two hours whereas when I was younger, we would be out even after dark for more than two hours. So many dangers out there today with strange and wacky people wanting to harm people and animals during the Halloween evenings. AARRGG!!! I am so glad I do not have any kids myself or having to explain why they would not go out trick and treating like other kids. I enjoy my life without kids even though having my own children did exist at one time or another. Watching kids go trick and treating today is no fun and where I live, door to door trick and treaters are not allowed in the building so that there is peace in the building during that time anyway.

Even though my beliefs and understanding of Halloween is only opinion – one opinion anyway – I still understand other people when it comes to differences and changes about Halloween. I will NEVER put my beliefs and understanding of Halloween or any other kind of celebration onto other people because religion, sex, and politics are 3 subjects to talk about with other people is so diverse and everyone believes differently…that’s okay and fine by me. I just will no longer celebrate the Halloween day with anyone. It no longer feels right in my heart and mind, spiritually, to celebrate such a day as Halloween anymore.

With that said and my final thought is out in the open, I can say good night and God bless and definitely come back tomorrow sometime. Good night!

Ahhhh, Kate is no longer living here in this building! Yay! She is goone for good. Good bye Kate! I hope you are happy in your new place and do have a good life. I will not see you anymore!! Another yay!!! Bye for now.

I am here to say good night and God bless. My shower was taken and now I am dressed for the night for bed and getting tired. I am not having CSE come down anymore this weekend at this time unless she comes down to get the key to go take care of CD’s cat Oreo but otherwise CSE is no longer welcome here this weekend. We need a break from one another again. I do know that I have said she was a bitch and all in my afternoon entry but I do have to admit that it is true right now. She needs help and emotionally I can not take any longer with her attitude, actions, and ways of life. She is definitely not the same girl I once know back in 1998. In fact, she is a little scary now. My shower gal KB told me earlier tonight that CSE seems to be a little bit odd and was a little bit off when she first met her and CSE does not seem to be all righo I can t in the head and my friendship with her should be carefully monitored. I happen, seriously, to agree with KB wholeheartedly with her right now and I do have to admit that my friendship with CSE is not healthy at all. I need to watch how much time I spend with her now so I can stay sane and away from the negative vibes she sets off often — everyday actually. I am a happy person now and working again.

It has been an okay sort of evening when KB was here for the one hour and 15 minutes. KB will be back tomorrow at 5 pm – 615 pm and then the rest of the weekend I am defending for myself after 615 pm tomorrow evening. I am going to have some me time this weekend and no time to have CSE over to help me with Bing and some of my chores I can not finish on my own. Now that I am a working woman, a couple of time this week anyway, I have the right to have no face to face contact with people and have me time. The past two weeks have been physically and emotionally draining for me – fear of my fall has settled in long enough and today I am feeling relatively happy after such an emotional week of panic attacks and after affects of frazzled states for three days and now, today, feeling relatively normal for once in a long time – since my bad fall on September 13 that scared the crap out of me emotionally and physically for a while. I feel, right now, at the moment actually, that my world is full of blabbing and blubbering idiot feelings, lol. I just finished watching a repeat episode of Supernatural starring Jared Padalecki (sp?) and Jensen Ackles. Bed time is soon to be because it is going to be 10 pm real soon here in Wisconsin – 7 minutes away anyway.

My plans for the weekend for my me time is to read, write, watch TV, play games onFacebook, and spend time with my kitty Bing Crosby. I will NOT have CSE down here at all this weekend except to see her while she comes down to get the key to go take care of Oreo the cat my neighbor CD’s big kitty. Good night and God bless and I will be back tomorrow sometime. Good night! YAWN!

My shower gal will be here in about 14 minutes now. Bing is lying on my lap after some snuggle and cuddle time. Ever since my afternoon entry CSE and have worked things out to some point but she is not welcome here anymore today. I am done with her for the weekend — most part of the weekend anyway. She will be seeing me when she come
S down to get the key to help take care of a neighbor’s kitty Oreo. CD’s kitty that is. I am having nothing to do with CSE anymore because of what happened this afternoon even though we worked things out. I was hurt enough. I am done with CSE now. Our relationship is not healthy.

Anyway, I talked to my caseworker at Catholic Charities, my caseworker at IDS, and my doctor’s nurse Lisa for a while before the weekend really began. Now, time after 7 pm the weekend has officially begun. My shower gal will be here in a few minutes so I will be back after my shower sometime. I have to go to Facebook and get some meals on the platters for all my Cafe World customers. Good bye for now and more later.

Okay, my morning went just fine. Now… my afternoon has a little bump in it and now CSE and I are having an issue. She had come down here to get the key to go check on Oreo and then bring it back. She then proceeds to tell me that she has been running back and forth about keeping or getting rid of her cat Ethan, and I told her as high strong as Ethan is and how well he does not behave or listen to her, it would probably be best to find a different home for him where his freedom is a lot bigger. Then I proceeded to, wrong wording of course, and have been trying to work things out with CSE ever since she walked out of here so fast without a word that indicated she was upset with me or plain upset about the idea of either keeping or getting rid of Ethan, tell her that I did not want to hear anymore about Ethan. I have texted her and called her to please call me back to resolve the issue between us but she has ignored both so far at this time, and I proceeded to tell her if she does not call to resolve the issue betwee us, she was not welcome down here anymore today. I have, not telling her of course, been thinking, about her attitude lately and how much of it does not need to be in my life anymore. I am very close to deleting her out of my life once more and this time for good without any getting back to our friendship. It has not been the same ever since she has been back living in the same building I live in. She has changed considerably since 1998 when we first met and became real good friends. I see we are not good friends anymore. Her issues are so noticeable and her lies, hiding the truth, and being secretive is not, in my way of thinking and my life personally, very healthy and CSE needs help professionally before she is really allowed to be in my life again. I have spilled my heart out to her and told her many things and her reaction back about some of the things I have shared with her have been totally abnormal reactions and her showing no sympathy to me has disappeared from my world all together. She is NOT the same girl I met in 1998. Her life seems all screwed up in my way of thinking. Here I wonder why I have ever reconnected with CSE anyway. She is not stable. Here I am going to a counselor ever two to three weeks to resolve what issues I deal with in my world and life to keep myself from going totally insane in my chaotic world. CSE denies the help she does need for herself and leaves her chaotic world is more chaos then ever. Her going back and forth about keeping her cat Ethan or giving him up has run across her mind more than once and I have heard about it so many times now that it has become countless now. I am sick and tired of hearing about Ethan not being a good cat,. always chewing on things he should not be chewing on – cords and items that are valuable to CSE and important cords such as cables for the television or computer. I have gotten sick and tired of hearing about how her computer works and does not work. Now her USB ports do not work properly and are not working half the time. That is what happens when you beat up on your computer sooner or later. I do not care if I ever hear from CSE anymore today or any day after today. I really want her out of my life until she admits she has a problem with her world. I am still in disagreement about her changing her name from CKR to CSE anyway… she has walked away from her past life and now it is catching up with her and her world is spinning out of control. I no longer want to be in her world anymore. She is a very sick lady and needs professional help before she is even welcome into my world ever again. She should not have moved back into the building I live in. She has really disrupted my world and a few others with her so-called antics and issues. I wish she was not here at all. Her world is all messed up. I admit that my world is messed up but I am getting help from doctors, counselors, and other professional people in my world. I am beginning to really hate CSE more and more every. After today, she is not ever going to be late coming down because she is not going to be … no longer welcome here in my home until she gets help from a doctor or counselor, or both. Good bye CSE! You are out of my life for good now. GET HELP OR STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!! YOU HAVE MORE PROBLEMS THAN YOU WILL EVER ADMIT. GOOD BYE AND HAVE A NICE LIFE YOU LITTLE BITCH! HOW DARE YOU WALK OUT OF MY HOME THE WAY YOU DID, BITCH!!!! YOU NEED TO STOP AND THINK OF HOW YOU HANDLE THINGS AND HURT PEOPLE IN THE PROCESS! YOU BITCH!!!!

I had awakened at 730 am. No sleeping in again today. I went grocery shopping yesterday morning between 11 am and 12 noon instead of today so I had my Friday morning free to sleep in but that did not even happen. I had decided to get up, anyway, at 730 am and begin my day anyway. My shower gal will not be here until 730 pm tonight so I have the entire day to myself until my shower gal comes. It feels real good to have a day to myself somewhat. Today is a better day for me so far.

My friend who texted me last night and I got all pissed off because of her continued attitude about me texting her when she was continuing to text me when she told me to stop texting and listen to her for once. It happened again tonight that she was so critical of me texting her a “book” instead of a simple good night, and I texted her back saying that today was one day of sentiments and I apologized to her for sending her a long text. All because she has her monthly, she, to me, does not have to be so darn critical about my texting her certain texts and pointing out all my faults and so-called problems that can be hurtful to a person. Her words cut into my heart once again tonight to the point that I finally decided to shut my cell phone off for the rest of the night and turn it back on when I get going in the morning and fully awake. I am not going to put up with my friend’s attitude during her monthly anymore. She can be a royal bitch and read into things way too quickly and is so darn critical everyday. I am done with her bullshit if she continues and I will tell her so if it happens again.

I am okay…somewhat, anyway. Those panic attacks on Monday, a very rainy day, have really freaked me out this week. On Tuesday, the after affects of those ongoing panic attacks have caused me to be in such a frazzled state, and yesterday, the frazzled state seems to have lessened but yet have been noticed. Last night, being pissed off at a friend about texting back and forth bringing on yet another rule change at the last minute has brought some of the frazzled feeling from Tuesday back again – panic attacks can still rise to the maximum level at any given time – anything can set off more panic yet when in a frazzled state. CSE did not make me too happy last night either. She actually pissed me off as well. I had fallen asleep and had awakened with her gone and the living room light was still on and I had jumped awake with my heart racing kind of fast and panic was in my body once again. It was 10 pm and I called CSE to find out how long I was asleep and when did she leave. She told me she was going to text me to let me know when she had left and got to her place and I told her that I had turned off my cell phone for the rest of the night because of the texting war I was supposedly having with one of my friends, and I knew CSE was here when I was pissd off and talking very loudly at my phone swearing at my other friend about the dang texting war we were having. CSE acted like, at the time I told her that I would not have gotten her message until this morning because my phone was shut off for the night, so strange and she was not even connecting with what I was saying at all as if she was in her darn spaced out world for some reason. I was not too happy having to express my thought three times to CSE that my cell phone was shut off for the night because of what happened earlier in the evening between me and another friend – a texting war that was not necessary whatsoever at the hour it happened – rules changing again at her end at the dang last minute. AARRGG.

With the new day beginning… I had awakened at 730 am and finally got myself somewhat going before my shower gal got here at 8 am to help with my showering. I got dressed for the day – in comfies for the day and planning on going grocery shopping with my worker from IDS named JP. In fact, she has just called to let me know that she did not have a stool for the van right now and wanted to know if I could get in the van without a stool today, and I told her it would not possible because I am not very strong this week for some reason – tired-like state. I am still planning on going grocery shopping…have a stool here that I am going to try out for the time being (today).

Right now I am going to head off here and come back later…when I get back from shopping – hopefully get to go yet today –

Excuse my language, per se, but I am pissed off right now and feeling it right now. I just do not always understand certain friends when it feels rules change in a split second. I have been texting a friend and then she gets all acting like I do not listen to her and tells me so … when she does not listen to herself about not texting when she continues to text herself. AARRGG!! I finally decided to shut my phone off for the night and will turn it back on in the morning once I get started for the day around 730 am.

CSE kind of pissed me off AGAIN! It is getting harder to understand her for some reason. She is closing herself up more with me than she ever has since January 2011, and that does not make it easy for our friendship to blossom any further. Her actions remind me of times I think I have broken down the wall between my mother and I and then it seems that mom always rebuilds that wall for me to break down again. My mom is a self-centered lady and I have always felt not super close to my mom even though she did give me life twice. CSE seems to be so closed up in her own world that her actions just reminds me of my mom sometimes. I think my side of the friendship is a love/hate relationship – a lot like my relationship with my mom less than half the time. I just do not get CSE anymore. She has changed ever since 1998. I am still trying to understand why in the world she changed her name legally from CKR to CSE in the first place whereas I would not have. Her actions prove to show that she changed her name to rid of the past she lived but it is now catching up with her. She rarely sees or talks to her family because there are problems in her family. AARRGG!!

My world is so complicated sometimes! AARRGG!!

Yesterday was not a good day for with panic attack after panic attack that was known where it came from but the why was never founded or ever known. I have been in a frazzled state all day long today from the moment I had awakened to the moment my last of company left at 1030 or so in the evening! I went to work feeling lost and confused in my head even though I knew exactly what I was doing but yet a lot of questions came out of my mouth the entire time I was at work. I made it to my counseling appointment in the afternoon after I got done with work for the day… another day of work looming iWednesday and in hopes a better day for me from this darn frazzled state I have been in because of the after affects of panic attacks all day long yesterday. I vowed, despite how frazzled I was, I was going to make the best of the day possible. This rainy, yucky weather does have to go and give me some room to breathe and find peace again. I know, as confirmed at counseling, I am not depressed…just in a panic state of mind for some reason with questions rising in my head every direction I go right now. No fun whatsoever.

To top things of my already frazzled state of mind and confusion of my world at the moment, I happen to leave my counseling appointment and see KW, her husband JW, and their friend and neighbor KWE. Seeing them did not really help either. JW said hello to me and I said hello back to be the bigger and better person in the awkward silence I was receiving from KW reaand KWE, and the mean and nasty look I was getting from KW was not even priceless. I did not feel awkward exactly but I surely felt stunned and shocked to the point of having them in the path of my life once more and reminding me they were never going to be in my life anymore as friends and neighbors, or even people considered living in the same city as I do anymore. I never could figure out KW or her other so-called friends with the attitudes they portrayed often and remembering how hurtful they were to other people behind their backs causing so much drama. Ever since they have been in my sights again, theyand, and so-called friends are out of my life for good. They can NOT be trusted whatsoever. After seeing KW’s angry face, I remembered how angry she has always been ever since we were in high school – an unhappy young lady!!! Sometimes I do wonder if she ever was really a friend of mine or just used me for things… Oh well. have been on my mind!! AAARRRGGG!!! I will be okay, though. KW and her husband are not in my world anymore and they may be, on occasion, pass into my world but they will never stay or come into my world to stay ever again. I will always be the bigger and better person and say hello to them but that is all I can really handle with KW now-a-days.

As for the rest of my day, I am going to say good night and God bless. I have another work day coming tomorrow and I do need my rest and be in a better mind tomorrow after today’s frazzled state I was in! AARRGG!!

I am feeling the tears well up in my eyes and I have done some crying today out of frustration of what has been going on in my life lately. I am so glad that my mom called me tonight — we usually chat on Sundays but she had company last night when I called she told me she will call me today — and I told her what has been going on the past few days and today because I was feeling like crying out of frustration. The weather is rainy and wet, and very windy right now and it just is a tad bit too much for me today because I miss work a lot right now. I have found a job I really love now and my world right now is filled with things I cannot explain fully because I do not understand why I have been in tears all day. I do have to admit that having asked CSE if she could please come down for a while tonight and her response saying, “is it necessary, I am thinking of going to bed.” has really upset me to the point of wanting to scream and cry at CSE for being such an insensitive person and the CSE I once knew before she changed her name was not like what CSE is now. Her words cut me like a knife very badly and I am not happy right now. I do not know CSE anymore and I am beginning to realize that IK may have never really known CSE at all since she has been here from January to the present day. In fact, I do not like the person CSE has become actually. She is negative and not a very trustworthy person. I do not even know why I am wasting my time with CSE and continue to have her help me if her world is so different from mine now when it once was the same years ago? I do not know why I keep asking her to help me and my kitty out when I know CSE is not the same person I once knew and she upsets me so much. I feel like such a user when I am not a user according to those who know me well and see that the help CSE does give is special and kind… Her words cut me like a knife today, though. I had to play a game on Facebook in order to distract me from texting CSE a message stating that I have never heard of such a friend as insensitive as she is and that her problems she is dealing with are so obvious that she needs help professionally. I am glad I have friends like JSL and a good support system Monday – Saturday.

Speaking of my support system Monday – Saturday, I talked to my case manager from IDS this afternoon shortly before 5 pm this evening, We talked about why I have felt so weepy today and that I am feeling that now that I have a job that I love so much everything things to have snowballed from one thing to another. I miss work and once winter comes, it is not going to be easy getting into work so I will be working from home. The fall that I had on September 13th scared me to no end, and I have seen my doctor on Tuesday of this past week, and everything seems to be like an emotional roller coaster ride for me once more now that winter is not that far away. AARRGG!!

Today is not a good day for me at all I have noticed. I am going to say good night and watch TV, read Little House on the Prairie, and snuggle with Bing if Bing will come back on my lap in a few minutes.

Good night and God bless. I will be back tomorrow – weather permitting of course. I will be okay. I have a counseling appointment tomorrow afternoon at 2 pm. More later and I hope everyone else has a good night. Good bye for now but not forever.