Memorial Day weekend kind of threw some things off emotionally and mentally for me, lol. Instead of having my shower yesterday because KH could not make it due to the fact she was off, she came this afternoon between 130 – 2 pm while MM and I were cleaning, doing laundry, and preparing food for the rest of the week and weekend – food prep has been changed to Tuesdays and my grocery shopping is still on Fridays. Although, tomorrow I will be getting together with MCP from IDS instead of Friday with C from IDS because C is gone for a few days on vacation to see family in Florida (If I remember right, lol) and MCP is the one I will be getting together with today since Friday does not work for her. So I am glad that I am having food prep on Tuesdays now instead of Friday … I get pretty tired by the end of the end and my weekends seem to be off schedule for church – too tired to go because my body is weakened from tiredness.
For some reason … today of all My days … when KH left, I was glad. She will be back tomorrow between 1130 – 12,
Feeling Of Dread
I saw CSE this evening for a few minutes and I do have to admit that I wish I hadn’t. After what happened yesterday afternoon when she came down, I found myself still not too happy with her. Even though we apologized to one another yesterday early evening genuinely, I do have to admit that my heart does not believe that CSE was not telling me the entire truth and I do not like liars. Liars disappointment me greatly and for a long time now I have to admit that I know what my parents went through with me when I went through my lying phase in my 5th grade year of school. When I was finally caught with all my lies, I do have to admit that the consequences of my lies fit the wrongdoing big time. My dad came home after having a conference with my 5th grade homeroom teacher with ALL of my school books with assignments that were not finished and I had to do all of the assignments I did not yet turn in and the current homework while sitting at our dinner table until everything was finished when I got home from school and on the weekends. The only time I left the table was when I had to run to the bathroom or put my books away for a while during the dinner hour, and when I went somewhere with my parents. I had learned NOT to lie again like that again. With CSE, I feel she needs help with her spiritual and emotional health where I cannot no longer help her. I can not help her that way anymore because I have issues of my own to contend with on a daily/regular basis. After what happened yesterday, CSE has to regain her trust with me again. I am disappointed right now. Having her for a few minutes – a half an hour – should nt have happened as if it was a mistake.
I did schedule to watch Gettysburg with her tomorrow afternoon around the dinner hour but I am seriously thinking of cancelling it until further notice. I am still not too happy about what happened between us yesterday and taking a break from her would be a good idea.
I am going to say good night and God bless. I will come back some time tomorrow.
I did decide not to have CSE down at all tonight to watch any of the movies we were planning on watching this afternoon. The final decision was made around the dinner hour. CSE and I talked via text on our cell phones and we apologized to one another and we accepted one another’s apology. She also told me that she does believe in God and that He is a loving God, and that she has been feeling abandoned by Him and her family. I texted her back and told her that God did not abandon her. I also told her that I will not talk to her about religion anymore…not that I did before…but we have talked about God openly before. I told her that I felt her saying what she said about there not being Christianity and that there is no God upset me very much so to the point of my blowing up at her. So I took the rest of the afternoon and evening alone here in my home with my laptop, Facebook games, TV, and IPod. The other day I had found Sudoku for IPod and downloaded it and played it for a very long time finally figuring how the game actually works and runs. Earlier today I had learned that there is a game for the IPod called Farkle – a game My evenin I definitely addicted to online – and downloaded it as well. Tonight I found some math and algebra apps to download. I believe my IPod Touch has been used a lot in the past couple of days. My evening is okay but I do believe my day could have been better and I definitely could have handled the situation with CSE tons better than how I handled it. AARRGG! Neither CSE or I are going to bed angry and upset. I will see her again later – Wednesday if possible.
My afternoon with CSE started but within two to three minutes CSE starting rating and raving that someone stole a DVD of hers and that this is no such thing as Christianity and no God. When she said that “there is no God”, I had lost my cool…told her “to get the hell out of my house”…and she did. When it comes to someone saying there is no such thing as Christianity and that there is no God, that is one subject (religion) that is hard to talk about about.
Honesty Is the Best Policy
To be very honest here… there are three topics I find difficult to talk about because of the fact everyone has their different views, is religion, sex, and politics. I do have to admit that, not sure if it is age or just maturity of the subject matter, that I am a little more open about sexuality and sex when discussed or I read about it on someone else’s open diary to the whole world online, but still a little closed about some matters regarding sex yet.
We Talking/Texting One Another
CSE has texted me to apologize and ask for my forgiveness. We will go from there. She also texted me that NMS (our surrogate mother) had found the DVD. I texted CSE back that I do forgive her and that she please forgive me for screaming at her after telling her that I will no longer talk or discuss religion with her from now on. We are in the talking/texting stage of our feelings. I got a text back from her and she forgives me as well.
I am not sure, yet, if I will have her down to watch Memorial Day type movies today but it might still happen yet.
I got a little more sleep than I have ever on Friday and Saturday night – dozed off while CSE was still here until sometime after midnight some time and I do not remember how long she was here actually because I was tired when she left and I felt back to sleep.
I am watching the Smurfs. I am going to have CSE over this afternoon to watch movies historical movies like Lincoln, Gettysburg, and other “wartime” movies)
Memorial Day weekend has brought on no major plans for me – just went to urgent care to make sure I did not have a UTI – and had CSE over every night so she could get online and do her family tree research. She did spend the night one night – do not remember what night now, lol – until 5 am or so doing her family tree research. I will not have my shower until Tuesday afernoon because my shower gal KH is off on Memorial Day and I said having a shower on Tuesday instead of Monday is do-able this next week. Now I personally think that KH should have called the office to have another shower gal come on Monday instead. I do not feel clean at all, lol. My hair is in need of a good washing, lol. I did not feel like getting dressed part of the weekend so I locked the door and closed the blinds and curtains of my livingroom and got comfortable for a few hours – I am not ashamed of my nakedness and body God gave me and I was born with. If nakedness was not such a problem, I am not ashamed of my nakedness whatsoever. I have had no bedtime schedule this weekend whatsoever and tonight I have noticed that having no sleep schedule has caught up with me, lol.
After getting home from the doctor/urgent care I called CSE and talked to her briefly. I told her how I felt about her always respecting my things in my apartment and how she does not respect her things in my apartment, and she understood why I would get upset easily. I told her that she always respects my things in my apartment and that because this is my home, she needs to respect her things in my apartment as well – meaning that she needs to stop beating on her laptop and mouse and respect her things from now on. I told her that I was not happy last night when she first came down and I was holding my tongue from speaking anything harsh to her. I told her that my tone of voice is a warning that I am not happy if I sound upset and it is before I begin holding my tongue before speaking my mind. She seemed to understand my feelings and said she will work on her behavior in my apartment. I hope she understands.
I did not panic this time! I went to urgent care – as I was not sure if either I had a UTI or yeast infection. I called to see who the doctor on call was for Dr. Hussli today – did not know who the doctor was so I called the kidney transplant coordinator on call in Madison, Wisconsin and found SL on call and spoke to her. I able to find a ride to urgent care with a neighbor after not succeeding – as SL told me that I should go to urgent care because of my kidney history. Found out that I do have, yet, an yeast infection and not an UTI. I got medication for it and came home. I did not panic before or after.
What in the world am I going to do? I am beginning to feel that I can no longer be kind to my friend CSE anymore!! Sad, I know!! She really made me mad tonight and I am still seething that when she has left, I had to write about it before going to bed at such an late hour. I want to scream at her if she is not going to treat her laptop and mouse with respect in my home, her laptop and mouse will no longer be allowed in my home. Do I not have the right to be comfortable in my own home when I have guests and ask them to leave if they are not making me feel comfortable? I have not asked CSE to leave because of the fact she makes me feel uncomfortable in my own home but she has made me real mad so many times and I just do not say anything to her because I can not open my mouth to say anything. I feel numb inside my own skin. Dang! I want her to respect her things in my home like she respects my things in my own home. She treats my things with utmost respect, too, but she does not treat her laptop and mouse with the same respect in my home. I do not care how she treats her materialistic things in her own home. I have repeated myself so many times for her to stop beating her laptop and mouse and she still does as if she did not hear me.
What really made me mad tonight as well as that she said she plans on buying a new laptop. When she had bought the laptop she has now, she has gotten herself into some trouble with the management because she could not pay her rent for two months! She ended up paying the rent she missed in installments until she paid her due rent she missed. She even lied to me about how much her laptop cost her at Wal-Mart as well! She has been lying to me or not telling me the full truth about things lately, and I do not like liars. If she does buy herself a new laptop, I am not going to allow her to have access to the internet on my modem anymore. She will have to get her own modem and internet provider. I will, sounding it is out of spite, change my password and not give her my new password – if it can be done that is.
I am sick and tired of myself allowing myself to not open my mouth and speak my mind! I want to scream at CSE for acting the way she has been in my home with her materialistic things. Her laptop and mouse being the materialistic items I am speaking about.
I do not want to be mean about it or be mean to her in general either but I feel I can no longer be Miss Nice anymore for some reason. She is looking up information via the internet about her family and do a lot of research but if she is not respecting her stuff in my apartment, she will not be able to do so anymore in my apartment. I just got done with having my modem protected from a gentleman who has been using the internet for his sick pleasure of looking at naked woman on his laptop – the feeling of being used big time. That is how I feel about this gentleman anyway. CSE helps me and Bing practically everyday and the use of the internet on my modem is my way of saying thank you and is her pay back for helping me. If I do decide to change my password and do not allow her to have the password, I will not have her help me anymore. I have walked away from her once before and I will do so again if I have too.
She has made me very mad!!!! AARRGG!
remembering that last weekend was “My Weekend”, I am glad Friday is here. I have had my shower this morning, got dressed for the day, went grocery shopping this afternoon and had my food preparation. As of Tuesday, May 31, 2011, food prep is going to be moved to Tuesdays so my Fridays are not so long and I get too tired going grocery shopping and having food prep. My IDS worker is looking out for me and I do have my feeling about not having food prep on Fridays but I do believe that it would be best to have my Friday afternoons free after grocery shopping so I have the energy to go to church on Saturdays and/or Sundays.
Today, after food prep, I ate supper of turnip greens, hamburger patties, and one hard boiled egg. It was delicious and I do like turnip greens! For some reason they remind me a little of spinach – my opinion – and I really enjoyed my supper. I watched TV and did some writing, and then CSE came over for the rest of the night.