A few words or more have to be said and I am about ready to spill my guts out once again. Okay…

here it goes…

I will no longer waste a tear, waste any anger, have a broken heart or have the feeling of being hurt because of people who choose not to give me the time of day. If communication is not an option or even happening why bother worrying about those people when I have a life to live that is my own and they choose not to be a part of so they are no longer a part of my world anymore. People have choices to make and whatever the choice being made has its consequences and rewards. My reward is, now…

seriously…

is a happier world without the constant knowledge that I have done something wrong every time I am in the picture AFTER I am out of the picture.

I am a happier person knowing that I am not in a constant watch of what is being said or done while i am not in certain people’s life If certain people do not want to have communication with me or other people the so be it. I do not need to be in constant fear anymore. For the past two years so much stress has been released and non-existent because I have walked away from negativity and the crap that the negativity has caused — a constant edge in my own life that proved to be tension.

Another reward I have is knowing that I am safe and able to move on in my own world… I HAVE TO VE SAFE in my own world.

I will not walk away from family like some people have in their lives. It is downright stupid to have problems in the family and not be able to communicate openly and rationally. I will no longer…

seriously…

talk to liars
talk to control fanatics
talk to people who can not stand up for themselves
talk to people who give ultimatums
talk to people who will NOT (seriously) take the time of day to listen to me about what I have to say
talk to people who do not allow the past to be left where it belongs — in the past
talk to people who believe that I am a liar, a thief, or manipulator …

People can go do those things to other people and stay away from me from now on. I have walked on egg shells and felt threatened too many years so it is going to stop. I am not going to shed a tear, get angry or pissed off, or even give anyone the time of day anymore. Certain people are no longer a part of my life and I will not allow certain people back in my life again. Certain people are dead to me and so it is over….completely over. I am not wasting my time or energy with certain people.

Anyone who is spying on me will have a joyous read. I am smiling because I have said my piece of mind and I am not backing down or repeating myself, and also, I am not going to care anymore except for those who do understand.

This is my journal…this is my place…no one is going to tell me to delete anything here because it upsets them because I have every right to write my thoughts, feelings, and moments anytime I choose. This is MY journal!!! Those who love to spy on me, God is watching you. You will pay for your actions sooner or later.

I have every right to…..

speak my mind!

I am still up. I am ready to hit the hay pretty much now. Bing has had his time at the living room window tonight and he watched someone come in. Seriously I thought I heard a person meowing at Bing earlier tonight, lol. Oh well! You do not meow at Bing because he knows what our language is and meowing is Bing’s job because he is a cat and cat’s meow, lol. Oh well, if that person did meow, let them be the silly one, right?!

I am tired so I will be heading to bed shortly after I get done watching the Law & Order: CI episode that is on right now (a recording from the 27th of April I did not watch yet. It will be over in a few minutes now. If the weather is reasonable later today, I will be back … if not Saturday for sure if the weather is reasonable.

Good night!

My heart is breaking right now…

Tears want to spill…

I am hurting right now emotionally…

The happy feeling I have felt for the past three days has all of a sudden disappeared. I want to scream and holler at the top of my lungs and spill my heart out to the world right now but that is not going to get me anywhere. I feel that the feelings I contend with, both good and not so good feelings, are best hidden from others because it seems that once my happiness has reached a point, it gets knocked out of me to unhappiness. No more spring in my step now at this moment. That has also disappeared for the time being.

I have this feeling that I am being spied upon.

Seriously…

and it sucks to be feeling that way, too.

While I am waiting for my lunch to cool down from being zapped/cooked in the microwave, I have decided to take a sit and gather my thoughts and mind on what I am going to continue doing for the rest of the day. Not a whole lot going on right now. More later… Going to eat lunch and decide what I am going to do for supper … spaghetti is not a bad idea but again not sure. Later…

Headin’ to bed here in a moment or two. I am tired…

given the time it is now … oops! LOL … )

I was too excited to go to bed right away after returning home from dining out and shopping with KH.

More later…

I really have to admit that I had another good day today. I was busy this morning, early afternoon, evening, and after I had returned home being out with my friend KH after she got off work and did some chores at home. I had my shower in the morning, lunch at the noon hour, watched television, and did some school stuff, went out to eat with KH, and then to the pet store to get Bing a treat or two and saw the most adorable cats.

The title says it all…

seriously…

I could not have asked for a better day…

literally.

My Morning – I had awakened up at 7:57 a.m., 5 minutes before I had gotten a call from my LSW Lisa B who said she was going to be here within ten minutes. I had gotten dressed quickly…

as quickly as I could…

and she arrived when I was just about ready for her arrival and let her in. We had gotten some work done before my caseworker Mary M had arrived for our yearly goal setting and review. The bathroom was finished. Lisa B swept the bathroom and kitchen floors, put my laundry away, and poof Mary M had arrived. I had the kitchen table cleaned off so the three of us could sit at the table which is rarely used, lol for our meeting. Lisa B, Mary M, and I put together a couple of goals to set, starting Monday of next week, review the past year, and believe it or not, I this is the 1st month in quite a while that I did not call Lisa B to cancel our living skills day because I was either not feeling good, feeling like having her here would be more of a frustration than helpful in my way of thinking, the feeling of being ashamed that I have allowed my living skills lapse from the week before, and so forth. Sometimes my school and educational endeavors have made it difficult for me to feel the anxiety of cleaning my apartment and so on.

After Lisa B had left, Mary M and I finished our business of paperwork, discussion and concerns, and goal setting outside my living skills every week.

I do not even know what time Mary M left because the time seemed to have stood still for the time Lisa B had arrived, left, Mary M was here, and then left herself. I believe it was before 10:30 a.m. when I finally had gotten my apartment to myself again along with Bing Crosby’s companionship for the late morning.

Let me say this…

I felt pretty good that I got some cleaning done today with Lisa B’s help and understanding, some new weekly goals set, and I will be seeing Lisa B two days a week for the time being to get help with my laundry done, grocery shopping, and getting to the bank to get quarters and other funds for what is necessary for my living skills, eating plan per week, and getting some extra things taken care of instead of feeling that nothing is being accomplished. Whew!

My Afternoon – I had a great afternoon here at home. Watched some Law & Order: CI shows this afternoon. had Bing Crosby laying and snuggling with me on my lap, looked at this week’s homework and study goals, went to class for a few minutes, played games on my IPod Touch and downloaded some music and games on my IPod Touch, got online to see what was happening at Facebook, and just contemplated what to do for tomorrow as far as school was concerned, seeing my friend KH in the morning and after she got off of work.

My Evening – My evening has been a great evening as well. I am heading to bed in a few minutes … at least to the bedroom to listen to some music after watching a couple TV programs such as American Idol, Glee, and a few minutes of the News at 9 p.m.. KH is coming by between 9:30 – 10 a.m., then after work KH and I will be getting together for supper with supper on me.

While Mary M Was Still Here – I will be getting my power chair in a week or so. I had gotten a call while Mary M was still here and he had called to tell me that everything was set at his office and that he had gotten word that my power chair will be here real soon. My doctor had gotten ALL the paperwork and prescription taken care of and everything was in good order as of this morning, and the news of my power chair coming was good news for the day.

One More Thing – It was even before I had gotten the news about my power chair, I felt that I have had a spring in my step ALL day long with no faltering whatsoever feeling in my body, mind, and soul. It was a good day ALL around even though the weather was a tad bit chilly and sunny.
———————–

Now it is time for me to go to my bedroom and listen to music and go to bed. I have a big day tomorrow for a Wednesday.

Good night and God bless…

Tomorrow is another day … a good one at that too in my mind as of now. Bye for now but not forever.

“sigh”

“yawn”

More tomorrow…

I have that feeling of not wanting to write in my journal here for a few days. No reason to explain except I just did not want to. I wanted to enjoy the weather as nice as it has been minus the weekend where we did have rainy and stormy weather Friday and Saturday, and I didn’t want to be online at all Saturday. I did not even go to school Saturday at all. Too yucky outside … still got together with a friend Saturday morning, afternoon, and early evening. i just did not want to be online on Saturday either … computers were shut down and given a rest period for a few hours until Sunday morning. It has been a fine week otherwise … a normal and busy week.

I went to the Shedd Aquarium today. I met a turtle – a sea turtle named Nickel who changed my way of thinking in life and life itself. I have been having troubles walking a lot because of vertigo spells but not particularly vertigo, I used a walker, and I walked and walked all day not giving up like Nickel who was a survivor of a bad injury and her name came about because the vet found a 1975 nickel in her throat when they received her. What made me rethink about my afflictions and my abilities of what i still can do. I have cried for hours after getting home from the Shedd Aquarium, too. Even writing about my meeting Nickel has brought a mist to my eyes. I want to go back to the Shedd Aquarium again.

I slept until noon today and I surely feel groggy still. I do not have a lot of energy right now. Even Bing seems to feel the need to be huggable and lay in my lap and feel safe. Usually Bing sleeps near by but today he seems to be very much the Bing I first met. I have homework to do and even though I do not mind having Bing Crosby on my lap, he does make it more difficult for me to get my homework done, lol. I just type everything I need to type with one hand while I am holding Bing with one arm and hand. He even slept with me all night last night. I am not in the mood to have company over today — none and going to have a day for myself.