Time has escaped me today in sleep from 3 to 8 p.m.. No big deal. Futon is very comfortable and ever since I began sleeping in my bedroom again it has been more pleasant. It’s 11 p.m. Wednesday night and the five hours of sleep really did me some good as I know I have a big day tomorrow rain or shine, storm or no storm. We are expecting thunderstorms tomorrow…Yay! Not! I hate storms to some point especially when the wind whips the tree branches hard against my living room window. It can be scary sometimes but I know God is putting water into the earth when it rains. And the summertime weather brings on storms and stormy noises. I will be okay … promise with all my heart and mind and soul. Anyway, as short as my day has been, my world was a short one today since I slept the day away to some extent and no television today except at the lunch hour. That is okay with me … had one of those days sleep was important I guess. I am okay, though … at least I think so anyway. Back on track tomorrow morning early. Have a 9:30 a.m. appointment at the Job Center/DVR office and I am looking forward to it greatly. It is work related!!! Well, it is after 11 p.m. on Wednesday night and I aim going to go for the night now and come back later and if not tomorrow … if weather permits it. It is supposed to have been stormy today but I do believe it has not happened yet. I am going to say good night and God bless all of my DD friends for the evening. Good night!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Written Between 2:30 p.m. – 3:30 p.m.
By Kristi Karnopp, age 38
Right now, for the next hour or so I am escaping the world of reality to come to my world of writing to just write my thoughts and feelings for the moment as the next hour comes and go. Maybe if I write for the next hour here time will go by much more quickly for me but we do not know until we come and go and snap back to reality again. So here I go for the next hour.
Yesterday we had our yearly inspections in-house at Teamster Manor and I passed and everything Judie, the manager looked at worked just fine. The only thing that needs to be fixed is the right living room window because of some part is not working well anymore. With the heat outdoors this summer, an air conditioner seems to settle better for this July heat. Soon it will be August and then Indian summer and the Fall, and then old man Winter will be here. That’s okay, I guess. Now for today…
Today, in the next hour, which seems to be moving by so slowly because today I am a tad bit on the bored side and time is seeming like my worst enemy than my friend. I want Thursday to be here now because I have a very important appointment in the morning that makes my heart sing with some kind of gladness that is called – looking for work. I have been so bored lately that I have too much time to think about things and some of the things I have been thinking about are things I need to not worry about but do anyway. I am such a built-in worry wart or something worse than that. I have chosen not to talk to certain people anymore for personal reasons and the cause of negativity that causes more heartache than anything and a heartache is much worse than anxiety and depression when it comes to experiencing heartache and pain on a regular basis. I have the feeling of walking away from friends because of the fact that negativity is just one of those things hard to deal with once it begins. I know who I can talk to and those people mean the world to me more than negativity and bull crap I have dealt with for a long time. Time just feels like it stops for me for some reason or another and when I begin writing about something that tugs at the heartstrings of my soul, time seems to come back to life and I can go back to the real world and enjoy my life and my day all over again as if time took a moment to step back and give me time to breathe. I probably do not make any sense here at all but who cares … this is my place … my accounts of my thoughts and days of my life no matter what I do or have to do to make it my day. Today is a relaxing day for me. Tomorrow is another story … a busy morning to begin with … woo hoo! What else can I say?? I am going to take a few seconds here and get myself a can of soda pop … Wild Cherry Pepsi! YUM! Be right back!
Now I am back from getting a pop…
Sometimes I wonder if God is telling me things from time to time when it comes to reoccurring thoughts or dreams because there has been a reoccurring thought that has been coming and going off an on like one of my dreams have until I have resolved the issues in the dream as I got older but the little girl in my dreams stayed small until the last night I dreamt the same dream that I dreamt for so many years. This reoccurring thought has been happening ever since my cat Emilee Marie Cuddles died on November 14, 2006. Ever since Emilee died I have gotten another cat, a boy cat named Bing Crosby, and my reoccurring thought is that Bing does not exist in my life yet and when I wake up some mornings I find this beautiful white cat with the most beautiful and handsome blue eyes, and cat-like features of a strong willed soul in his broad framed body is right there beside me or just a few inches from me. This reoccurring thought, as strange it may sound, has been on my mind for the longest time and this is the first time I have actually taken the time writing about it. Maybe getting my thought out in the open will finally close the door on my thought and open another door for me to investigate in hopes that the newly opened door will be more pleasant that this reoccurring thought! Sometimes I wonder if I really let go of Emilee as much as I have told other people. Is it because my relationship with Bing is so different and special comparing it to the relationship I had with Emilee? Scary, huh? But definitely possible that’s for sure. Now on to better things I will say. Hopefully this will now close the door to that thought and if not, I will revisit and think about it some more to see if I can resolve the issue again if and when it happens again. Let’s hope it’s over, okay?!
Today, for the time being, my routine has been somewhat broken and I began to watch television earlier than my usual time. I do not feel guilty for having done so because I was eating lunch and I was watching a couple of recorded programs on my DVR box from the cable company. My lunch consisted of a calzone from Pizza Hut and three bread sticks from last night’s leftover supper I had ordered out. It was very good and filling. No need to really worry about supper tonight because of the time I ate … between lunch and now. I do not eat much during the summer anyway. To hot!! I even remember when I was a younger girl who would prefer to play outdoors all day and forget eating altogether but as a growing girl, eating was crucial, and for today’s growing girl, I am growing the wrong way instead of upward now since my growing was done by the age of 15 pretty much, lol and heaviness is a curse on my mother’s side of the family if I remember correctly!! And I have a 20 year old kidney transplant to preserve and keep, too.
Well, it may be a little short of 3:30 p.m. but for the time being I have come to a dead end with my thoughts of the moment so I think I will go for now. If I have more to say, I will be back that’s for sure. Gotta run now anyway.
What can I really say about time?! It is going by so quickly at some point and then going by so slowly at another point! Right now time just seems to be taking every second longer than normal. I want tomorrow (Thursday) to be here right now but of course, I have to wait patiently which time is not on my side at this moment unfortunately. Yesterday, last night after 10 p.m., I could not sleep so I got online in my bedroom on my laptop and the slowness of dial up just drove me crazy because it was so slow to the point that time was not going anywhere for some reason … hate those kind of nights when I am feeling hormonal and my body is changing to meet its monthly expectation of a period. Sometimes I wonder why God made me a woman but then again I would seriously think that God made me a woman because that is what he wanted me to be. If he wanted me to be a man, I would have been one but I am not. I am a woman. I am Kristi Karnopp, a woman who wears her heart on her sleeve and sometimes I wonder if I wear two hearts on both sleeves, lol. That best describes me I think. Again and again I ask where is time going as if I am not busy enough and on some days, because I do not have a job to go to, I do have to admit that my world is just a pile of complications waiting to be sorted out and made less complicated and less confusing. But this is Kristi’s world … my world I am so dutifully here to fill and find out what God has in store for me from day to day. I can do this …. I know I can! Where is time going? At a regular speed of course because time does not stop for no one … not even a second does time stop for anyone.