My Life

Monday, July 14, 2008
Written between 9 p.m. – 11 p.m.
By Kristi Mary Karnopp, age 38
Janesville, Wisconsin

It is going on 9 p.m. here in Janesville, Wisconsin as I write and I wonder what in the world I am planning on writing for my first personal thought of July 14, 2008. I wanted to go to bed earlier and did plan on it practically two hours ago but after reading a couple of chapters of the book I am reading and please do not ask me for what the title is at the moment because seriously I do not remember. All I can say at this moment is that it is a good book and I can not put it down for the life of me in order to do other things that are more important. Today was one of those days where anxiety played a major role in my life for the most part of my morning and I sweated like a little pig, excuse the expression coming out of a woman of my age as young as 38 but I did sweat and my cleaning lady LB could see the sweat dripping off my forehead and face when she came in. It was hot in here at the time too because I did not have the air conditioning on at all and was planning on, which the bedroom windows were already opened wide and a breeze was coming in, but when LB came she wanted the air conditioner on so it has been on for the longest time now doing its thing. We are having an inspection tomorrow (our yearly inspection) with our management who came a year ago this past June.

Okay, another personal thought has been ravaging my mind. To be honest with myself I have a feeling that my honesty is going to be well deserved and understood here and I have no idea as to why I am still thinking about it – this personal thing that has been ravaging my mind for the past couple of weeks or so. As a matter of fact, I feel I am at peace now with JS being busy with a man in her life and that she does not call me much right now. Our relationship has taken its turn for the worst two different times in argument and fighting she leads everyone to believe is all my doing and not hers because she does not take responsibility for her actions for anything wrong she does as if she is Miss Perfect and my feelings about our friendship has been on the back burner since December 2007 when she hurt me physically badly enough not to ever trust her temper ever again and I am not saying that what happened that day was all her fault because I too take part of blame but when it came to fear of JS to some point really put a damper on friendships from that day forward as well as keeping to myself and away from drama and crap I have seen and heard for the longest time. JS and I are fine and friendly to one another again and I do see her from time to time but it is surely nice to be free of JS for the time being. So why am I even worried? That is a very good question. Another question would be … Why? Well because I still care about JS and I want her to understand that responsibility is so important and having a man in your life is not always the right thing to fill any gaps in your own life to make you happy. I was JS’s age once and learned the hard way. I have this feeling, and this feeling is nagging at me badly enough, that her love for this man in her life is or could be judged as infatuation more so than real love but who I am to say such. I am only speculating and wondering that’s all. I am all for JS’s new life no doubt. Not jealous in any way because once I get a job in the real world of life, my world is going to change in a flash and it will be something to get used to in a flash as well. And believe me … working is on my mind right now. I have to much to think about and very little time to fit in what really needs to be done without penciling it in and making time for it! I am leading a boring life because I am not busy enough. That’s sad believe me.

I should be asleep by now but sleep is kind of not on my mind as if I got a second wind for a temporary measure but as soon as I finish writing my personal thoughts of the day, which I began writing today, July 14, 2008, I intend to go to bed and get some shut eye. Anyway, my life is not that easily fascinating to some people but again other people will find me most fascinating. I feel so sorry for those people, lol. Nah, if someone or a group of people are fascinating with my life, let it be. I do write my thoughts of my world or my life well enough that it can be understood. I may live a boring day from time to time but the truth is that I am not busy enough to have a life until I get a job in the field of accounting I have been serious about fir the past few weeks now since I finished college in February and graduated on June 21, 2008. This is my life in a day from time to time. Tomorrow can be so different but what do we know until we live it, right? Right.

There comes a time when a person does not make sense of what is said, written, or read, but that’s okay because that is a natural part of life of growing up and growing older everyday. I just turned 38 on July 3 of this year 2008 and believe it or not there are days I feel older than that … 90 or 100 is more like it. Tonight is not one of those nights thankfully. Just feeling a little achy and tired right now due to the fact that I had one of those days where my hormones … raging hormones mind you! Yes, I still get my periods and yes, I hate them with a passion but being a woman signifies my gender since the day I was born, and changing my gender is something I would not do at all. God made me the way I am for a reason and I am here to figure it or find out what is in store for me other than what has already happened and passed now over the years. I do have a knowledge that one of the reasons I am here is to be a voice for animals that have been treated cruelly and neglected because I myself have a survivor of animal cruelty named Bing Noel Crosby. I am also one of several voices for the handicapped and disabled people of our Wisconsin area of South Central area. I feel that I am a voice for people who can not speak for themselves from time to time, as well as person who can prove that giving up is only a cop out of life like wasting your life away doing needless things. Some people will say that my writing here is needless and stupid, and downright crazy but I do not care what people think anymore.

My brother and sister-in-law probably do not feel that great right now because I have not spoken to them since Christmas but I want to set the record straight that if they are not feeling so good right now about me not contacting them right now I do admit that their feelings are downright justified and necessary for them to go on with their lives from day to day. I did not change my telephone numbers – home and cell – because of them. I changed my phone number for a whole different reason and my world has been one screw up to another and I do not want to put my brother in any part of my screw ups and needs to get emotionally better. For the past several weeks to few months, since January, I have been up and down with my moods that I needed to get better again and make sure I am stable before calling them again. I want to have a good relationship with my brother and his family instead of a rocky one. I had a great time in November when the entire Karnopp family was together for Thanksgiving and our Christmas but things just seemed to turn upside down right after I got back from trip between me and another person that drove me to changing my life a bit that leads to another situation that will be explained tomorrow or whenever I have another opportunity. Know what I mean? My world is not complicated. Sometimes I think it is because of the way I think and perceive things from time to time if you know what I mean. I make things complicated sometimes and that really stinks to high heaven most of the time when it does happen.

Right now, going to counseling on a regular basis may not always be fun but I choose to get counseled because of the fact that it helps to get your needs and feelings out in the open. I have cried many a time in my sessions with my counselor and I am not ashamed. I am still working on a part of my life that is missing a very important portion of life’s lessons in letting things roll off your back and letting things bother me less. With a lot of work yet to accomplish in this life’s lesson, I feel I have come to some point where I can roll things off my back more than I used to but I still have to get an understanding of it before realizing that I can do it freely and more willingly. Do my make any sense at all? Probably not. I wear my heart on my sleeve most of the time and than any other time.

I think I better go for now and come back tomorrow and finish writing my accounts of the day in thought titled “My Life”. It is getting late and I am unfortunately tired and bedtime was an hour ago anyway. I do have a big day tomorrow if you consider having two types of company coming over at different hours of the day two kinds of company, lol. Good nighit and God bless.

July 14 – 7 p.m. & Good Night

I am actually going to take my evening medication and go to bed exceptionally early tonight. I think the weekend staying up past midnight has either caught up with me or my hormones are beginning to rage their monthly havoc on me. Who knows except for God of course? I did have a fairly good day today and really am bushed for some odd reason. I do not know where my energy went all of a sudden. Probably in that panic episode I displayed earlier today washed me completely out. What a whirl I am in right now. Just tired and ready to fall asleep wherever I am at at this very moment so please excuse my thoughts on rambling like so or not making too much sense. I am just ready for bed early tonight that’s for sure. I do not think I am sick though. Just tired as usual I hope. Anyway, I will be back tomorrow to see what my DD friends had written after 12 noon tomorrow or after my Bible study comes and goes. We are having an inspection tomorrow which is our yearly inspection with the management and I am a tad bit nervous about it for some odd reason even though my cleaning lady says everything is fine and passable. I hope so seriously. This is the mode I have been all day since the inspection was founded out this morning and the panic struck its nasty cord with me once again. My world, even though it may be boring sometimes, never has the same from a daily perspective beyond my schedule that i have made for myself. Personally, to be very honest here, I believe that this entry is going to be the longest of the first two I have written all day long. Who knows? Sometimes I just ramble to get my thoughts out in the open – open in a space that is beyond understanding sometimes as well as in total sight of Satan’s demeaning control of the negativity of one’s life which is my life. Anytime we write or vent our feelings we are putting out our words, whether it is public or personal, in sight of Satan who can wreck havoc on us all if we are not careful. God is our attorney in this realm of life. Please excuse me for talking Christianity here in my perspective and knowledge. I am tired and all these words are coming out of my own head as I write them across the screen for other people to read. If I do not want other people, in other states and countries not read my thoughts, then I make them private but seldom do that because venting is one way of getting feelings out and released from ravages of our mind, soul, and body. We do need, seriously, take care of our bodies. Now i am beginning to wonder if my tiredness has anything to do with the feel of hot I am contending with right now … not sick though. Just hot from the heat of our usual Wisconsin summer weather and I do not care for winter all the same because it gets cold and I hate extreme heat and extreme cold. Ok, I am just rambling on and on and on and on. Boring! LOL More tomorrow, okay? Just wanted to write more entry before going to bed … tired or not but tired still after cooling off in front of the air conditioner for a few minutes before bed. Gotta take my medication for the night anyway. Stupid hormones!!! I will be okay though … believe me! Good night and God bless. Consider this entry a rambling of thoughts in one big paragraph … for tonight anyway. Bye for now and talk to you all later Love ya!