I have been expressing my thoughts, feelings, and ramblings here for a long time and I do not intend of leaving this place because I have found a home here with other diarists. I have seen many diarists come and go here at DD and I have shared my most innermost thoughts in private with my DD friends who are on my friends list and who want to be notified of my journal entries. I am happy here and no one is going to drive me away. I know who my true friends are here where I live and if I do not feel comfortable with someone, like a friend of a friend of mine, that friend will be told about it. I am not going to allow anyone to walk all over me and believe they have control of me when in reality I need to have control over my own self. People who do not like to be dealt the truth, knowing that the truth hurts, I won’t sugar coat the truth if I know it will be help someone grow. I have dealt the truth to a friend of mine the other day and she did not like what I told her but how she handled it is not in my ball park anymore. I do not care for a friend of a friend of mine because of this person’s attitude but it does not mean that I will be mean to this person when around this person. I just do not care for a friend of a friend of mine and that’s that. When I do not like it when my neighbor JS shoots off her mouth because someone pissed her off, I always tell her that she needs to be careful with her words and watch her mouth more so she does not end up getting in trouble, and I do not know if my words are heard or if she is even listening, but then again I do tell her the truth and I do not sugar coat the truth. I give out nothing but the truth. If my thoughts, feelings, and ramblings go to a friend of mine, and they do not like what I have written, I will not lie to no one. If I know the truth, I know the truth. This is my place and my place alone, and if something bites me in the butt in the long run, my butt will be bitten. The truth hurts and I have been dealt the truth most of my life and I will definitely feel like crying or will cry, I will take the truth and analyze what was said to me and make sense of it in the long run. This is my world of writing, and I will not hide my feelings with no one, and if I want my most innermost thoughts and feelings private, no one will be able to read my journal written at the time. I am sick and tired of people walking all over me and that is not going to happen here anymore. If someone believes I have changed in the past month and a half, I believe they do not know me very well or know me like they once did. Yes, I have changed in the past month and a half. I do not put up with no one’s bull crap anymore and I believe that is the problem right now.
I definitely have a problem now — a problem that I thought was taken care of a long time ago. A certain someone does not get the message that I do not want to talk to her. No, not my neighbor JS, but someone who I just do not always get along with. She has been told when she got my new telephone numbers that she was not to call my cell phone unless it is was an emergency, but she does. She calls my cell phone and if she does not get an answer there, she tries calling my home phone. What part of “do not call my cell phone unless it is an emergency” does she not understand. Also, there are reasons why I do not answer the phone when she calls and she continues to call me day in and day out and her trying to get a hold of me is driving me crazy. Why do some people do not get the message I do not want to talk to them if I do not answer their phone calls practically every time they call. It is just getting to the point of nonsense and I wish this one person will leave me alone. I get telemarketers calling me several times a week and so by the time this person calls me I am at my wits end. Also, this same person calls me at the wrong time every time she calls and I just do not feel comfortable telling this person my life problems when she has her own problems to contend with everyday. I have told this person not to call me for a while but she has called me everyday for the past four days twice — once on my phone phone and once on my cell phone. The other day, leaving a message on my machine, she was not very pleasant so I decided not to call her back and if someone has an attitude problem, I am not going to be a part of it. I have told this person many times as well that I have been super duper busy lately and my life does not involve her anymore.
Dancing Butterfly – Thank you for your tidbit of advice about yesterday’s journal entry. I do understand that what is said can one day bite me in the butt as I have had such things like that happen before. I have been dealing with stuff everywhere I go in my life and it just does not seem to quit no matter if I walk away from it or not. Being a part of drama really stinks to high heaven so I have been staying close to home in my own place with my door locked on most occasions because where i do live myself there is always something unpleasant going on and I do not want to be any part of it. Where my friend lives as well, apartment complexes are good at gossip and rumors, drama happens there too. I won’t say more but I do have to admit that people do have to make their own choices and the choices they make may not be the wisest choice either. I have decided to be apart of some things that involve this one friend and I do not know if this friend fully understands this but then again, I have control of me and me alone. I just have this feeling that people, in general, think they have control of me, but they are sadly mistaken after the fact that I am in control of myself now. If a person thinks I have changed and can not tell me the reason for the change, then maybe that person has changed and putting the blame on someone else and not on themselves.
Sometimes I wonder about my friends. I told a friend how I felt about one of her friends and it felt like I got somewhat understood and then that other part that was not understood is what I am confused about. The reason I do not care about this one person, the person who is a friend of a friend of mine is because of the fact that she puts her mouth where it does not belong, and this one reason I call my one friend less during the day. Otherwise I like the person but this person does not keep herself out of crap that does not concern her and she is right there anyway minding everyone’s business plus her own. The thought of walking away from this one friend is getting closer to being done because I do not need to put myself in unhealthy situations anymore and I believe that my one friend is in some unhealthy relationships herself but telling her that is not possible if I have tried to express my thoughts to this friend more than once. I do not need to be involved in crap anymore as my health is at stake right now due to the fact that I deal with high pulse and my anxiety levels are not level yet. I have walked away from some people and intend on walking away from more if I have to. I am confused right now and I have to pray about the situation at hand now and go from there. I cannot take anymore crap from anyone because blood pressure, anxiety levels, and pulse are at risk right now. I have a lot of things to look forward to now that I have my college degree and finding work is high priority on my list today and tomorrow and I am not going to waste time of finding a job. I need to be happy … not unhappy. Maybe it would be best if I just moved out of the State of Wisconsin just to get away from the craziness around me. Maybe I should.
Welcome to My World
I am not going to be going private or for friends only as much as I once did. I believe the world needs to know me more no matter what type of day I have. Everyone has a dark day from time to time — just sometimes I feel I have more dark days than just one or two but there is always light at the end of the tunnel somewhere. I just have to find it or open my eyes to the light and walk towards it and believe me, I have seen many dark days this past winter. I am so glad that Spring has arrived even though it has been on heck of a winter getting here to sunny days and warmer weather. Yes, winter and I do not get along because when it is cold, it affects me one way or another.
I know I have not been writing a lot but have made myself known from day to day, but not writing a lot. In other words I have been more quiet than usual … leaving my entries short and sweet and to the point. I am not planning on leaving Dear Diary for two reasons: 1). The Diarists I have met and enjoy reading their entries, and 2). This is my place, my space, and my time away from the real world. Does escaping the real world help? It does and when I do escape the real world for a short time, it does help to be able to come back and fight the real world issues that have come about throughout my weeks, my days, my moments. Right now I have been faced an issue in my own/real life world that needs to be taken to the far reaches of my mind and be seriously thought about because I personally do not need to be played with in such a way that causes me to feel insecure about myself. The issue that I am being faced with today is something I have been dealing with since December 2007, and no I am not talking about the incident that happened in December, but the incident has helped me realize a few important things in life and one of those things is friendship. I have been dealt some crappy cards when it comes to friends and with me wearing my heart on my sleeve, I have had walked away from a lot of friends. I am seriously thinking that I will have to walk away from more friends yet and it adds up to 3 friends right now. I do not need crap from anyone!!!
Today was my mom’s 64th birthday so I called her and sent her an email to wish her a happy birthday but I guess we are going ot be talking tomorrow, and I will find out how her birthday went then, I hope. I hope she had a nice birthday. I know she got my latest email sharing my excitement and pictures of me and my diploma.
Where has the month of March gone??! It is almost over already! WOW!
Ok, let me put it this way…I know I have not been writing a whole lot lately but generally I have been busy and my life is just filled with activity from one moment to the next, and then of course, I have my lazy days as well. Today, on the other hand was a fairly good day for me. Had pictures taken of me and my dip;loma and the diploma itself and only one picture of me with my diploma turned out. The ones that did not turn out my right eye was shut in all of them otherwise. I do wonder what is going on with my right eye now!!! It just does not like to stay open during pictures….I hate it. Nothing is wrong with my right eye but I am going to ask about it anyway on April 9 when I go to my eye appointment that day.
I am still excited about getting my diploma in college because now I am officially done with college and more importantly, I have a high school and college diploma now. WOO HOO! I wonder what the excitement is going to be like on June 21st??? Nothing like having my diploma in my hot little hands, right? Anyway, I am a very happy college graduate!
Right now I can not really explain the dilemma I am in but I can tell you that the dilemma is just killing me right now. If I even tried to explain the dilemma right now I would be walking and talking in circles making no sense of it or not getting to the point. What I can say is that I do not need to deal with crap and if I have to walk away from the crap that is going on, I will and that is no joke or lie here. I have better things to contend with and that is the way I feel right now. I have better things to worry about. I am still recovering from things that a former neighbor did to me while he lived here and now that he is gone, I do not have to worry about him anymore, thankfully. I do not have to feel like I am walking on egg shells with this person anymore. YEAH! Some people have to get a life and he was one of them!!!!
I slept in and out throughout the day and I am not sure if I am going to coffee tomorrow morning or church yet. We shall see, though. I have been sleeping in lately.
I am so excited because I got my diploma today while getting my mail. I am so excited and again a little down because I have had one person who I thought would be happy for me about getting my diploma did not even give me the time of day to share a few minutes of excitement. This very person seemed to be so stuck on herself that it hurt so bad. Is she jealous of the fact that I have achieved a major goal in my life or did she really just did not notice because she was so hung up on herself. Yes, I got my diploma in the mail today and I am a very happy camper and I worked extremely hard for that diploma and I have something to show for it now. I am now, not just a graduate from high school almost twenty years ago, a college graduate on paper so now an employer can call the college and get word that yes, I was a student at University of Phoenix. I am a very happy person. Screw what other people think or care. I have a life to live and I need to live it to its fullest. I could not have asked for more. If I seem to be a braggart about getting my diploma in college I feel I do not have an apology right now because I feel I am on the cloud of excitement that is so important to me right now. I do not think I am going to sleep well tonight… oh oh!
Ok, my day was fairly quiet and nothing really got done, lol. I was planning on doing my laundry today but it never got done, oops! LOL. Better get to it tomorrow whether or not I like it. Seeing the same four walls from day to day gets to me anyway and today was just a low day for me. From sleeping until 1 p.m. this afternoon and then had company for a minute or two was not too bed, but honestly sleeping half of my day away was probably needed. Did it and have done it many times before. Just a low key day for me along with staying in my pajamas or more so slept in the clothes I wore yesterday all night and today. Was not planning on going anywhere anyway. Today was me day. Had to have a me day and forget about the world outside my apartment for the most part. Planning on taking down my Melt down sign later and tomorrow I will go back to the real world tomorrow. Strangely enough, no nap was needed but took one anyway, lol. Bing and I snuggled for over three hours today and it was a moment in time my heart can only record and no camera can really capture except for the cuteness of the two sleeping beings in bed for over an hour. I remember holding Bing before I had fallen asleep and when I was startled awake by a phone call making my phone ring, I was still holding Bing so Bing and I have cuddled the entire time we slept, and I have found that very different from my original routine of the day. It was a wonderful, though. Will it happen again? I have no idea really. Bing is always full of surprises. He was so darn cute! Way to go, Bingie boy, mama loves you a lot.
Moodiness has come into play today so my calls have been limited as well as the calls that came in today were also limited. I am very picky who I talk to during my moodiness, and today I spoke only to a couple of people — one on the phone and one in the building otherwise everyone left me alone. Today was a day of me time and me time alone. I wonder what tomorrow will bring other than laundry and getting back to my routine of life outside my own apartment for the day. The neighbor down below me will not be causing no more trouble for me because he is no longer living here – thank goodness — he was a trouble maker and caused some problems while living here so the apartment below me will be vacant for a while. With this neighbor being gone, I can breathe normally again and anxiousness will not be so much. Good riddance for bad company being gone! Yes, I am very moody today — more so than I have been a while — depression playing its ugliness in my life right now.
Tomorrow is going to be a better day for me … hopefully!!!
Okay, I did not get to sleep until almost 3 a.m. this morning so I slept until almost 1 p.m. and missing two phone calls in the process, lol! I needed my rest but when I got up, I got up for the rest of the day … staying my pajamas today … and I called my two missed calls since they left a message on my answering machine. After making those calls and one of my neighbors dropped by with some food from ECHO’s monthly food pantry, I took my medication and put the food iteams I had gotten. I got a lot of crackers (yoummy) and a couple of bags of asparagus and boy do I love asparagus. As for the rest of my day, I am just going to be lazy-like but not too lazy. I do not need a nap today, lol. Anyway, Bing is resting in my spot on the bed, lol. Good boy, Bingie. Mama loves you lots! As for the rest of my day…I do not know. I think I will be a little artist today. Gotta run for now. Bye and ttyl!
Well, what can I say about today?? I do have to admit that today was not too bad. Yes, I have been feeling a little down and out but today was craft day at Teamster Manor where I live and I went to craft day and worked on painting a ceramic sleeping kitty. The ceramic sleeping kitty was painted once before so I painted the entire ceramic all white today and will begin painting the rest of the kitty, the flowers and pots, and the grass as if from scratch. I had fun during ceramic kitty, though. I do have to admit that, if the manager did not call me to say that it would be good therapy being downstairs during craft day, I believe I would have fallen asleep watching television and snuggling with Bing all afternoon at home alone. Yes, I feel that I am on the way to melting down and not wanting to be disturbed! Listening to the manager’s thoughts about joining craft day, I did not argue the point and did have fun for the two hours. I am forever grateful for the manager to have taken the time to call and get me motivated. The Do Not Disturb sign is out on my door right now so I will not be bothered so on Wednesday I will not be bothered by anyone except for those who have permission to ignore the sign if they need me. Even my telephone is turned off right now so I can not be bothered. Even my cell phone is shut off. I have to do laundry tomorrow — o but’s about it…that’s for sure. Anyway, today was not too bad. However, I did wait until my friend Kelly called me before shutting off my telephone. Hearing from Kelly was a vital part of my day today — this evening.
Bing has been a good “big” boy all day long. He cuddled with me most of the evening and gave me his time and attention at the same time I was giving him time and attention too. I am emotional right now for some reason and I can not explain the reason…just emotional. What a whirl I am in right now.
The downstairs neighbor, thankfully, is moving out this week so I will not have anymore problems with him after the beginning of April. The neighbor downstairs I can not explain anything but I do have to admit that I am glad he is moving out of here. He was not a pleasant man at all.