I Know It is Midnight But ….

I have something to say that has been on my mind since this afternoon and no I am not mad at anyone here at DD or here where I live, but I am hurting as if my heart was torn right out of my body and stomped, making me realize that my trust in people is being worked on right now and I am no longer taking trust for granted anymore. I have to walk away from some people because trust is such a big deal for me and my friendships I do have left have been carefully analyzed. Trust and friendship means a lot to me but if someone has misplaced their trust with me, it will take a lot to get the trust back … if that is even possible in such a cruel world. Seriously, I have to walk away from more people I thought I could trust but realize now I cannot trust anymore. Sad I know it, but I can no longer take anymore disappointment and be able to deal with it at the same time I am attending my last four weeks of college. I have always suffered from a bout of depression and I have done my best — my very best — to climb up from the bottom of the depression barrel and get to the top but after today, I have taken a few steps back down to analyze more about trust. I have a major trust issue and I am going to have to work hard on that imperfection in my life.

Trust is Definitely an Issue Here !!!

So much has gone on lately in my life today that today I have learned that I will no longer will be speaking to someone at all. Trust is definitely big issue and when it has been misplaced, it takes a lot to get it back and believe me, some people will have to get on their hands and knees and beg for forgiveness for putting me a place they helped put me in.

I Still Have My Reservations Here

With what happened to me last month and saying that I take part of the blame of what happened then, I still have my reservations about being friendly and civil to the girl who hurt me. As the Christian woman I do not always profess to be as I am only human and I do sin and make mistakes, sometimes very serious boo boos, my reservations of the girl really understanding that I only want to be friendly and civil to her right now and not friends with her again after all friends do not attack or beat up on friends. I am not the only one who feels that drama has taken its toll on me and several of my other friends as they too are dealing with drama where they live, and drama is everywhere around me, and I am doing everything in my power to stay away from the drama. My reservations I have with this girl is the ongoing drama she carries with other tenants and one of those tenants being one of those people you do not mess with and this tenant will tell you like it is and if you do not understand this other tenant. she will make it understood until you do understand. This tenant, a good person as she is, will not put up with any baloney or crap from anyone, and she her issues she deals with as well, and she is a strong willed young lady who is around the same age as the girl who I am friendly and civil to, but this tenant is more mature than this girl…far more mature.

Ok, here is the scoop. I did not attend church this morning so the girl was kind of enough to drop of a bulletin for today’s service, and she had mentioned that she thought that this tenant had an attitude and this girl was not going to ever talk to this tenant ever again, and if this tenant gave this girl attitude again, this girl was going to let her (the other tenant) how she felt. I had told this girl that she was also a tenant and the cleaning lady of the building and she needs to mind her p’s and q’s and remember where she stands as a tenant and the cleaning lady. I also told this girl that this tenant may have had a bad day and came across strong in her attitude. In so doing, we parted ways, and several minutes later, this girl calls me and told me that she and this tenant had talked, but I have this feeling I was lied to because this girl wants to please other people just for the benefit. Am I making any sense? Oh boy, am I setting myself up for disappointment all over again as well as failure? I hope not — oh I hope not!

It Feels So GOOD!

I do have to admit that having one particular person not up at my apartment everyday at a certain time really does feel real good right now. I have been able to work on my own computers with having no one in the background working on one of them, making it very hard for me to concentrate and I having to worry where this person is going on line. It feels so good having my apartment to myself and have my space back. I do know now that my space was compromised and invaded to a point of problems … problems that led to our big fight in my own home that led to consequences if neither one of us did not stop our high school behavior, which I feel I did have to a point but I was defending myself for one thing, and this girl never has paid any consequences in her life because of excuses always in play and acted upon. It just feels so good to be myself again for one and not having to worry about a friend — a friend I once had and is no more a friend but an acquaintance and a neighbor who willing helps other neighbors from time to time — even me.

Coming to Terms and Being Civil … More Later …

As of yesterday, which was something that had happened because a meeting was called, the girl that hurt me physically and I, had to come to terms to be civil to each other or we would have to find new places to live. Since it is late, and it will midnight here in forty-five minutes, I will write more tomorrow or later in the week. Talk to all of you have a great rest of the weekend. May the truth be known soon and always. I am tired now and I am staying up late tonight since I slept the entire day practically since I woke up at 8 this morning…

Getting to Know Me

1. How old will you be in five years? 42 years old

2. Do you think you will be married by then? That is one question I am not sure I can answer right now. At this point marriage is not on my mind.

3. How tall are you? 5’ 2” and shrinking as I get older

4. What do you look forward to most in the next three months? I take it one day at a time because of kidney health issues. I would have finished school by then.

5. What is the last movie you saw? TV movie – Signs with Mel Gibson

6. Who was the last person you called?

7. Who was the last person to call you?

8, What was the last text message you received. Morning Buddy from a friend of mine.

9. Do you refer to call or text? Call

10. Do you have any pets? One Cat

11. What were you doing at 12am last night? Trying to get some sleep.

12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced? Were divorced and remarried so now I have two sets of parents.

13. When is the last time you saw your mom? August 2005

14. Where was the last place you went? Doctor

15. What do you like about winter? When it is not so cold. When the snow is falling it does look pretty.

16. What do you like about summer? When it is cooler and not hot, and when it is not storming outdoors.

17. What do you like about spring? It is nice out.

18. How many states have you lived in? 1

19. How many cities/towns have you lived in? 3

20. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet? Bare feet indoors, slippers outside the home, shoes when outside the building.

21. Are you a social person? Kind of, sort of.

22. What was the last thing you ate? sandwich

23. What is your favorite restaurant? I have several restaurants that are my favorite places to eat.

24. What is your favorite ice cream? Mint and chip ice cream

25. What is your favorite dessert? Anything with a sweet taste.

26. What is your favorite kind of soup? Homemade chicken noodle soup, mushroom and celery soup, and clam chowder, and potato soup.

27. What kind of jelly do you like on you PB&J sandwich? Grape.

28. Do you like coffee? Once in a while but not always.

29. How many glasses of water a day do you drink, on average? 8 to 16 cups. I have a transplanted kidney that needs to be kept hydrated or I will dehydrate easy.

30. What do you drink in the morning? Water and, milk to take my medications with.

31. Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? Alone. Does a cat count, lol.

32. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed? If I sleep on either side of my bed, I end up falling off so I sleep in the middle most of the time.

33. Do you know how to play poker? Yes, my grandparents (Clarence and Myra) taught me how to play poker when I was 7 years old.

34. Do you like to cuddle? Depends …

35. Have you ever been to Canada? Yes I have been to Canada with my dad and step mom along with a friend of mine fishing. Fishing is one of my favorite things to do but haven’t done it in a long time now that my grandparents (Clarence and Myra) are no longer with us.

36. Do you eat out or stay at home? both

37. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? Yes, one of my dad’s friends from the police force.

38. Do you want kids?

39. Do you speak any other languages? No

40. Have you ever gotten stitches? Yes in the back of my head and in my left ankle, and when I had my first leg surgery at age 9, and when I had eye surgery in June ’07.

41. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Yes …

42. Do you prefer ocean or pool? Does not matter.

43. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat? Window seat on the plane, and whatever is available in a theater.

44. Can you drive a stick? I do not drive.

45. What is your favorite thing to spend money on? Friends and family if I have it.

46. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7? Yes and no

47. What is your favorite TV show? I have several television shows. CSI: Miami, W/O a Trace, Law and Order, L&O: SVU, L&O: Criminal Intent, and more…

49. Who is the funniest person you know?

50. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No.

51. What is the main ring tone on your phone? The Army

52. Do you still have clothes from when you were little? Yes I do.

53. What color are you bedroom walls? White

54. Do you turn off the water while you brush your teeth? Yes…

55. Do you sleep with your closet doors opened or closed? My closet doors are always kept closed.

56. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of killer bees? NEITHER!

57. Do you flirt a lot?

58. What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Haven’t had chicken nuggets in a while but it is usually mustard or hot sauce.

59. What is your favorite food? I have a lot of favorites of foods. I am not a finicky eater.

60. Can you change the oil in your car? Don’t have a car.

61. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket? Nope.

62. Have you ever run out of gas? Nope.

63. What is your usual bedtime? I have pulled all nighters many times and I do not have a set bed time. Depends on the type of day or type of night I have had.

64. Do you read the newspaper? Yes, online.

65. Do you have any magazine subscriptions? No, not anymore.

66. Do you dance in the car? No. I have a friend who let me sing in the car either but he can.

67. Do you like peanuts? Yes, but I like cashews better.

68. If given the chance, would you swim with the dolphins? Yes I would love to swim with the dolphins. I have never been close to one in my lifetime yet, either. I would love to meet Shamu the Killer Whale, too!

STILL UP

I am still up and should have been in bed a long time ago. Anyway, I think I have gotten my second wind at the moment so I came here now and write some thoughts and then I am GOING TO BED. Yes it is late, and that is ok … have pulled all nighters many times in the past but not yet in 2008, thankfully. Anyway, since I am still up and getting tired, my fingers are becoming numb from taking medication to relax me and they are fighting a good fight while typing and pushing down the keyboard keys, so I know I am NOT going to be around too much longer tonight. It is already Wednesday morning and I have no major plans except a recertification with our on-site manager later in the day … yay! I am having some downtime right now in my mind while in thought of what happened earlier in the night before midnight rolled around. In my final blog yesterday I had written that my ex-friend called me a ding-a-ling in retrospect due to the fact that another friend had written about someone in my group of friends — my ex-friend is still a member of this little group, but she IS NOT my friend anymore. I do not want nothing to do with her anymore period and that is final. I hate her with a passion and I wish she would just grow up and let what happened go because I am NOT giving in to this person’s antics and continuous harassment even though the internet is a public place — just what she did has not been forgotten and forgiving is HARD TO DO RIGHT NOW because she continues her stupid antics of harassment trying to apologize because I personally think that if she did apologize, she would not mean one word of the phrase, “I am sorry.” She reminds of a couple of people who ARE NOT in my little group of friends. YES…I AM STILL UP, but now I am going to retire for the night, FINALLY. Good night all you DD friends of mine on my list who wants to be told that I have written a journal entry. GOOD NIGHT!

Life in General…Now…

In retrospect, my so-called friend who is no longer a friend of mine had a comment at a friend yahoo 360 blog calling me a ding-a-ling, and honestly, it hurts my feelings but there is nothing more I can really do about this girl. This girl is no longer a friend of mine and I will NOT allow her back into my life after giving her a second chance last year after the first fight we had when in reality I gave this girl a chance that was a terrible mistake by the second fight. I know now that this girl is more unstable than I realized before and I am taking my unstable friends and beginning to walk away from them all. I do not need negativity in my life. I have not been happier with not having my ex-friend up here everyday at 4 p.m. using my computer. Like I said earlier, it is nice to have my life back in full sing even though I am still healing from being physically hurt. I was talking to a friend of mine just a bit ago and she told me that my now ex-friend has been hurt too, and I do not care how she was hurt because what she did to me was uncalled for all the way around.

Right now, at this hour of the night, my cat Bing has come alive from sleeping a lot during the day, and is being his typical catself and he is driving me crazy getting into places he has been shooed out of but is still doing what he has been told to behave himself, lol, but I love the little guy too death.

It is late and I am getting very tired — finally — with time being 12:16 a.m. in the morning of Wednesday, January 16, 2008. It has been 2008 for sixteen days now and I can not believe it is still the year 2008 after 2007 is now behind us all. WOW! Knowing that my Christmas the New Year has been not the greatest endings and beginning, I do have to admit that I am feeling a little better. With one particular person out of my life now, I have not been happier. My now ex-friend, my former friend, gone out of my life, I want her to leave me alone and she is STILL not letting go. I can not understand her and maybe that is a good thing this girl is out of my life — she is a time bomb about ready to blow anytime if SHE does not get her. SHE has pushed me so far away now that my world does not have any time left for her. SHE NEEDS HELP BIG TIME AND I AM ALREADY GETTING HELP THROUGH COUNSELING SO I CAN NOT SAY I AM NOT GETTING HELP. I am TAKING IT ONE STEP AT A TIME RIGHT NOW.

I am going to have to say good night for now and get back to all of my DD friends another day.

Another Day Has Come …

I do have to admit that another day has come and with it now being late afternoon, I feel like I have accomplished my cleaning today, with help from my cleaning lady LB, as now the bedroom looks like a bedroom more so than a storage area. I sleep in the living room because my bed is in the living room here. After my cleaning lady has come and gone, I have been doing my own thing along with the fact that i did have company over for awhile watching television and paying attention to my cat Bing. Bing has been a very good boy today, that silly cat is ALWAYS talkative when my friend CD comes up for a visit. I have not heard Bing meow so much and want attention by her only and his human mommy is just burnt toast or something not pleasant. Silly cat! I love him so … Bing knows his people, that’s for sure. Ever since I have not allowed someone up here everyday at for 4 p.m., I do have to admit that I have my life back and I do not have to worry about her calling and hearing her whiny little voice needing to get online for this and get online for that when in reality, my computer is mine and I had restrictions on my own computer because of her. All in all, I am so glad that she is out of my life in that respect because she was just a pain in my rear end before the hitting, kicking, and pushing, and pulling my hair and yanking my head had occurred in December. She was not a true friend because true friends do not beat up on other friends and get away with it … but she hasn’t really gotten away with it. Anyway, I have my life back to some degree even though I do have to admit that I am still somewhat fearful of leaving my place entirely alone. I still not feel 100% safe but getting there. I hope this little girl moves out …. she does not belong here. She has caused more trouble other than beating on me in December lately…she is just a pain in many people’s butts lately. She needs help!!

It is Tuesday, and it is now kind of boring but I have gone to class and did what I had to do. Gotta go back now so I will be back later — if not tomorrow. Bye for now.

What Part of “I Don’t Want a Meeting” Anyone Understand??

The girl who hit, kicked, and pushed me, is still pursuing wanting a meeting and this time it is with the pastor of the church I go to!!! Isn’t that still considered harassment? I do not want a meeting! I do not want nothing to do with her as a friend anymore either, and what this girl did to me is downright unforgettable. I am still upset. I am still healing from the bruises and the emotional pain. I still cry practically ever night over what happened on December 21, 2007 and after when she continued to pursue contact with me after people, several people have told her to leave me alone and the more she continues to pursue any type of contact and the more people she has involved, is pushing me farther away. Getting the pastor involved in this whole situation when I have told him more than once I do not want a meeting I feel I am not heard at all. I finally broke down, as childish as this girl is acting in my eyes, wrote a three page, front and back, letter about how I felt and wanted her to discontinue the behavior she has been having so I can heal from the incident and forgive her, and I do not know how he is going to take it at this point but I will find out tomorrow some time … hopefully. This girl, to me, is someone I wish to not continue to be friends with or even friendly right now. I can not forgive her right now, as it is not Christian-like for me to do so, because of her behavior being so obviously and painfully and downright childish. I do not know how many people she has gotten involved in the situation that happened between us, but I do know that what she has said was a lie because she has been lying to me for several weeks before the altercation — an altercation I knew was going to happen again. No friend – true or not – should be hitting other friends, and this girl is now my ex-friend for the rest of her life. She needs help in her anger and I wish she would just let the situation go so I can heal and get on with my life without her! What part of “I do not want a meeting” anyone not understand?? I am going to have to go to church this morning and thin, of what I am going to write to the pastor and give it to him so he can discontinue the pursuit of having a meeting between this girl and I. She has done her damage!!!