I am not going to be online long tonight. I feel tired and worn out. I have not been sleeping decent hours again so I know I have a little anxiety and depression I am dealing with again. I am feeling fine otherwise. Not much has been going on the last couple of days. I just ended my fourth class at University of Phoenix online Monday night and now have two weeks of vacation and will return to classes online at University of Phoenix on July 12, 2005. I am going to go visit family on the Fourth of July weekend and going to go have fun. I am also going to be celebrating my 35th birthday on July 3rd with family. I am excited about seeing my family and all their animals: two cats, one dog, and Guinea Pig. I know I have been writing sporatically again but I have been busy with school and now have a break. I am grateful for the break here because of the fact that this last class was a little tougher than my first three but doable and manageable. Nothing on telveision right now. UJust a documentary called City Confidential, a good program but I am not watching it because I came into the middle of it. Television is rarely on here anymore. Anyway. I am going to go for now and try to be back tomorrow which might not happen but I will definitely try.

My diary, once again, looks beautiful and I love it! Thank you for taking the time to make my diary theme look beautiful and unique. I really fell in love with the theme from your diary. Thanks Kbabe! I appreciate the time that you put into my diary this past weekend. May your days be filled with happiness and joy.

I am not sure if this is going to be a quickie or not, but I am surely still feeling the hurt from the idiot as I am more angered than upset. I do have my friend Mark to help me out indeed and I did talk to Mark earlier today to tell him what happened yesterday since I did not call him right away when it happened. Mark told me that I do not deserve this guy in my life and it goes the other way around. When I spoke to Mark earlier today he told me that I have him and that I am his buddy. It is reassuring to know that I have a buddy forever and in my heart to remember forever. Mark told me he was going to call me after work and I hope he does as he does sometimes forget.

I am not dressed for the day really. I am still in my pj’s and my hair has not been combed yet and I just feel so lazy and a little down still. No energy right this second and I have things to do in the kitchen and livingroom. I wonder if I will get to anything today. I got to my class for a bit today and just posted some replies and answered questions to a final test we are doing in our team and that is about it for now. I just did not have any energy when I woke up this morning kind of late. I do not feel comfortable calling too many people today, either. Oh well. The “Do Not Disturb” sign is on my door for right now and that is a “Keep Away” in nice terms. I just don’t want a whole lot of company today at all for some reason. I just want to be left alone and talk to only a few selected people. My friends know what is going on as of yesterday but that is about it. No calls from my friends today yet, except for Linda.

I am not sure if this is going to be a quickie or not, but I am surely still feeling the hurt from the idiot as I am more angered than upset. I do have my friend Mark to help me out indeed and I did talk to Mark earlier today to tell him what happened yesterday since I did not call him right away when it happened. Mark told me that I do not deserve this guy in my life and it goes the other way around. When I spoke to Mark earlier today he told me that I have him and that I am his buddy. It is reassuring to know that I have a buddy forever and in my heart to remember forever. Mark told me he was going to call me after work and I hope he does as he does sometimes forget.

I am not dressed for the day really. I am still in my pj’s and my hair has not been combed yet and I just feel so lazy and a little down still. No energy right this second and I have things to do in the kitchen and livingroom. I wonder if I will get to anything today. I got to my class for a bit today and just posted some replies and answered questions to a final test we are doing in our team and that is about it for now. I just did not have any energy when I woke up this morning kind of late. I do not feel comfortable calling too many people today, either. Oh well. The “Do Not Disturb” sign is on my door for right now and that is a “Keep Away” in nice terms. I just don’t want a whole lot of company today at all for some reason. I just want to be left alone and talk to only a few selected people. My friends know what is going on as of yesterday but that is about it. No calls from my friends today yet, except for Linda.

I thought yesterday was the end of the pain of what this man did to me, but he called from a payphone today three times. I did not give him the satisfaction of talking to me when he did call a second and third time. He called from a payohone saying he was his cousin and he wanted him to tell me that he was dating someone else. What a jerk. I knew right away that it was truly the so-called idiot who claimed he was dating me to everyone he knew without allowing me to have the opportunity to say anything to anyone — not a one. When he called the second and third time I picked up the call and immediately hung up on him giving him the satisfaction of losing fifty cents twice – a whole dollar – for even calling me in the first place. What a JERK! The pain is back and my heart feels like it has been ripped out and stomped on and thrown away in the garbage which I believe is not my place. Why do men have to be such jerks to me or even use me in a respect that is horrible and cruel to me. I do not know if I can trust a man right now outside my best friend Mark who told me yesterday would never treat me like dirt and that we will be friends forever. The thought of losing Mark right now would be a devastating blow to my mind and heart. I am glad he is here for me now. Why do men have to treat me like dirt? I do not want to get in a serious relationship with a man right away and it seems that every man I have ever dated, except for the first boyfriend I had in high school, have to have one thing in mind and wanting to cuddle and so forth? I do not like to cuddle all the time. Men are jerks and I am wondering now if I am just supposed to be single but I do not know what God has in store for me yet. I just always seem to get burned for some reason. The pain my heart is back and that is no thanks to NV who is nothing but a man who jumps from one woman to the next to get is satisfaction of sex. I hate sex! It causes problems to people like me. I am hurting very very badly!

I am hurting less now knowing that the so-called boyfriend I had for only two weeks has been seeing another woman. I am still hurting but knowing the truth now really relieves the hurt I have been feeling for two weeks and definitely the past couple of days – this weekend. I am glad to be rid of this man as I do not need this kind of man in my life. Knowing the truth now really does help but why did it have to happen to me? What was he not getting from me? Why did he do this to me? Men can be jerks and other names I will not mention. Anyway I can concentrate on my schooling and upcoming travel to Arkansas to be with my parents and little (18 year old) sister. I have been doing so well in school and so having a relatationship more serious than friendship is not the best idea for me. Believe me, I am not gonig to give up on men but right now I am not going to be dating. This man had only dated me two weeks and hearing about him seeing another woman while he was dating me has given me a little blow in the face. Tears are streaming down my face off and on but I am definitely ok. This man had been in trouble with the law for fondling a thirteen year old girl sometime back and that has risen a flag of caution and today a red flag went up to tell me to stop and rethink my thoughts even though right now they are clouded over with tears. Why me?! Thank goodness I have my best friend MEE!

Ok, this is going to be one of the toughest entries I have written in such a long time. Yesterday’s journal entry was one of emotion and confusion, and believe me, tonight I am still just as confused and hurting. I need some advice here from my DD friends so I can at least rest and live my life as I see fit and comfortable for me. but I just could not leave it alone tonight as my heart is aching something awful right now and it has been for a couple of weeks. I have not heard from this man who claims we are dating for two weeks now and I am not sure of what is really going on. I have tried calling him and no answer or he is not there. I am not even aware of any problems we are having but I am assuming, which is pretty bad, that something did happen and he is not talking to me now or in the near future. This man has only been in my personal life for maybe two weeks and we met at a Beloit Snappers baseball game last month. I do not want to confront this idiot right now or never. I do want answers to why this man has not called for two weeks and leaving me hanging in the dark for that long. I am not a bad person and I feel I have been used for someone’s game and I was a pawn for something. I am hurting and confused and wanting this man out of my life for good. He has not done anything wrong that requires the law to handle but I do feel that he has done something very hurtfu and troubling to my own beating heart. Should I walk away from this completely and not worry about it anymore? Should I find answers to my nagging questions as to why this man has not called me for two weeks? What should I do? Please HELP!!!

Right now I am angry and wanting to tell a certain man off. This man who states we are girlfriend and boyfriend has not called me for almost two weeks now, which has given me plenty of room to tell him not to ever bother speaking to me again. Yes, I am angry and upset at this man who is supposed to be my boyfriend as he says. If he has a problem with me, then he better do the calling and start asking questions because I haev absolutely no idea what the problem is. A former boyfriend did this very thing to me – not speaking to me for two weeks and in the meantime he was speaking to my friends in the same building without my knowledge or understanding. I felt betrayed by this so-called boyfriend and I feel betrayed all over again and wish never to date again. I have been hurt too many times to even bother with a man in my life beyond friendship. This man who claims we are boyfriend and girlfriend beter fess up to something now or forever hold his peace and we are no longer together. What a jerk and believe it or not I have other choice words in my mind that want to be said but it would not be Christian like for me to do so. Men! What do they want from me?! They always want more from me that they will NEVER GET! What a jerk NV really is!

I really do not have a title tonight and that is ok. Today has been somewhat of an emotional day for some reason another but things seem to be fine right now. I did not even feel like going anywhere or doing much of anything except homework eevn though I had gotten a lot of my homework done before the weekend and the stormy weather came and went and is coming again at the end of the week. I feel I have been on pins and needles all day long and just not up to company except for my friend LLD who lives on the first floor. I am still not happy about what has happened last night but I will forgive MY but I will not forget for a long time. I believe SH’s death has really affected me more than I really expected it to. She was a fine neighbor and person and I will not forget her never! I wish she did not die. I have been surrounded by death ever since I have moved into TM and I have seen my share of death since 1997!

I still don’t have a title for this entry. Please forgive me. I guess no title entries are just as good at times as they do express feelings. In fact I thought a friend of mine was mad at me tonight but she called earlier — a few minutes ago — and then got a phone call on her call waiting list and said she will call me back. I have been racked with emotion lately and it is driving me crazy. I am not mad at myself but I am wanting to kick my own butt for haviing such emotion I do not know what to express or feel. It is a crazy world out there.

Saturday night was one of the worst nights I have ever experienced in such a long time. Having a thunderstorm during the day is fine but at night, especially Saturday night, was bad and the thundering would not seem to cease for a while. The lightning was the worst. It was so bright that I had to turn the other way to go to sleep or I was not going to go to sleep until the storm was over. I had awakened knowing that my television was on all night long but it was off in the morning because the electricity blinked out during the storm. How I knew this was the fact that the light in my bedroom was on low and the clock on my VCR was blinking at me 12:00 driving me crazy! No, I do not like storms but I will tolerate them during the day as long as I do not have to go out in the rainstorm when it is thundering and lightning. I never know if my umbrella will hold up in a windy storm because I did have an umbrella go inside out on me several times.

I have been doing very well in school at University of Phoenix. I can not say anything more than that right now due to the fact that I have only completed three classes there and now in my third week of my fourth class as of tomorrow/Tuesday, June 7, 2005.

Well my friends, I have to run for now and go to bed. Good night and God bless.

I do not know what to think right now. I got home a little after 8 p.m. and had a message on my voicemail from my next door neighbor that was not so pleasant. I had also learned that my friend KAW also got a voicemail message from my neighbor as well with the same not pleasant message and it really anger KAW. In fact, it angered me as well. I wish people would just grow up and get their heads out of their bottoms. My next door neighbor wanted me to pay her by Monday morning or give her stuff back if I was not going to pay for it because she was already broke and needed the money for her insulin shots and medications. My neighbor broke already and it is already the 5th of June and we get disability once a month/12 times a year? I do not believe it. This may be an assumption that is not right because I do not have the facts but I believe this neighbor is not broke already and I also believe that she abuses the social security system. I literally hate people like that and this neighbor is not a very nice person all of a sudden. If she abuses the social security system, she can have a big problem on her hands and believe me, I do not want to be a part of this problem. I did pay the person her money but honestly, I am NOT going to buy anything from her again. She expects me for this and that and I have my life.

Even my friend KAW is upset with her because she watches me like a hawk and treats me like a kid and I am not a kid who needs my “mommy” anymore. Honestly, if my neighbor calls KAW again, KAW is going to call the police if she gets her involved with a problem beteen my neighbor and I again. My friend KAW is not at all happy with MY. Honestly, I am kind of upset and wishing that my neighbor would stop and think before she speaks. I was going to pay her today but I had to wait for something to come in the mail – a bill! PEOPLE ARE SO IMPATIENT AND RUDE and MEAN TO ME lately.

I am still feeling the fact that the neighbor below me has died sometime Thursday night/Friday morning. I miss the neighbor very much and know that many of the neighbors also miss SH very much too. SH was a fine woman. She had her bad days but we all knew when to stay away from her. SH did seem to have a mean streak in her at times but it was because she had an illness that affected her moods. I have overlooked her bad days and stayed clear away from SH then but she always had a hug and “I LOVE YOU” for me on her good days. Even some on her bad days. MY had to give me problems today of all days! What a very uncaring neighbor! I am not going to do anything for her for a long time oro evn accept her calls for a while. She needs to leave me alone for a while. I feel I have been very hurt by MY right now.