Where I Live

I live in a very nice apartment complex as far as looks and size, but the people who live here are not all nice. In fact, knowing a few of the neighbors here, I will not associate with because of their background or how they look at me as a person. Being a young woman, treated like dirt by some of the people here, I have the right to live where I do because I am disabled enough to have disability money come to me monthly and I am in a nice place. Some people here Do NOT make it a nice place. We have a nice room for tenants to sit and visit, and I will not go in there often because I do not like it there all the time. I wish the games here would stop and those who have caused trouble and problems here would leave and see what it is like to be treated like dirt themselves but no one is willing to volunteer their lives in that way. Here, not a volunteer myself, fell victim to tenant wrath and cruelty from time to time. All because I am good friends with another tenant here, I am looked upon as an ugly person and that hurts my heart badly and all I want in this whole world is peace and safety. I even felt the flack from my ex-boyfriend and had to get him out of my life in order to be happy for myself and return back to myself before he tried his hardest to get rid of me controlling my own life. No one will control my life or they are history and will not be spoken to again. I will only pray for those people! I even do not feel comfortable being close friends to another tenant here because of what happened over a year that caused a good friend of mine to leave this place and not be able to come back. That is how cruel some people are around here. sometimes I can not leave my apartment because I feel I am being watched or listened to. WHAT A WORLD!!!!

Please Do Not Be Offended

What I had written before this entry, I just want to let you all know that I am not here to offend or hurt others. I was just reviewing some things in my thought process and wanted to finish my thought from the other day. Some days, like everyone else, I do not write so well and other days I write just fine. I have been picked on, teased in a bad way, and snubbed by too many people in so many years to when I could remember. I just wanted everyone to know that my heart is kind and can be hardened in a second towards certain people these days. I am not a faucet that is turned on and off all the time but if the wrong buttons are pushed, I know I can be a different person no matter what. I have had a lot of heck in my life that is not always happy. I deal with a lot of emotional turmoil around me and I am very susceptible to change no matter where I go. I will NOT be hurt by anyone anymore. I have learned to walk away from this and that but yet still have a soft heart from time to time. I do not live in a happy world all the time just like veryone else. I do have feelings too!

Remember the Other Day

Remember the other day when I mentioned about viruses and hackers? Even my surrogate Mother talked to me about spilling my guts out on the internet for the whole world to see. Ever since I wrote my last entry, which was of words — words now I am somewhat confused. No one has held a gun to my head in saying the words I did but when I wrote my thoughts down, it was kind of late and I was getting very tired and I believe I was rambling on and on about this and about that — making very little sense, lol. Now, a couple of days later, ( am awake and it is in the afternoon and tiredness is not founded at the monent, I can actually write my thoughts down more sensibly and readable. LOL Well, anyway, getting back to the fact of my surrogate mother wondering why I spill my guts on the internet for the whole world to see, I realized that she is right and that I am entitled to my feelings and thoughts sa well. My surrogate Mom, a wonderful woman she is, is right because of the fact that anytime I or anyone spills their guts in a journal – whether it is personal or made public like at Dear Diary here, we are opening up to big possibikities that could be both good and not so good. Everyone is entitled to write their feelings and do whatever they wish to do with their writings. I even take the time to write my thoughts and feelings for the whole world to see too. Writing in a journal really helps me gather myself together from something not so good to something better, and sometimes writing in a journal does not do me any good. I have figured out why that is so too. It is so because of the fact of what I write from time to time. I know when I am attacked or not by someone we all know and by others we do not know. People are people who are entitled to their feelings no matter what.

My surrogate mother is in her 70s as well and so all the computers and some other gadgets that modernized our time is something she did not grow up with like I did. I am 34 years old so all the computer stuff and other fantastic gadgets that help this world — cell phones being one we talked about as well — do not find anything wrong with all the new stuff that is being built or made. I do agree, strongly though, that there are people who do use computers for the wrong reasons. I have a cell phone but do not use it unless I have to or to make long distance calls after 9 p.m. or on the weekends. I really enjoy my cell phone because if anything happens and I am stuck somewhere, when the reception is good or fair, I can call someone to come get me out of a jam every now and then. I limit my daytime calling on my cell phone when I am away from home. It is nice to have a phone with me — that’s for sure! My computer has been victim to the bad things bad people do to computers because of their anger for some reason or another. Some people, strangely enough, feel the anger and want others, victims some people call us or people not known, to feel their pain by destroying our happiness as well. I do not know how many times last year alone I had to scan my computer for viruses and get them off. The one virus that annoyed me big time was the Lovesan virus that was spread through to our DSL’s company. AFter I got the virus cleaned off and my computer in functional mode again, I went to school and learned the same virus had found its way to all the networked computers there and I had sympathy with all those computer techs who had to deal with ALL of the computers. That is why I know people use computers for bad as well as good. Now, my surrogate Mom knows I would never use my computer for anything but wrting in my journal here, e-mails, research, and school. I have no desire to do bad things and ruin the lives of friends and total strangers like some people.

It has been a good day today! As a matter of fact, I went to the City Clerk’s Office his afternoon before it closed and put in an absentee vote for next week’s election day. Honestly, I was nervoous and kind of scared but I did just fine. Anyway, despite my vote, I have felt funny about all the bashing of those who are running against each other. I personally hope that my vote counts this time more than any other time I voted. Doing the absentee voting today really helped me deal with the crowds I will not have to face Tuesday.


As for the rest of my day…I had a good day! It was overcast but nice. When my surrogate mom and I left to do what we wanted to do this afternoon, neither one of us took our jackets. Before we hit the outside, I hoped that the weather was not cold, lol, and when I stepped out, it was not at all bad. we have our indian summer now I guess, lol.

All is good!!!

I Have Been Thinking! Oh No! LOL

Yesterday, before leaving to meet friends at Deli Doghouse (a restaurant), I was talking to my surrogate mother about computer viruses and hackers, and the fact that both of us knowing of someone who had gotten a virus on their computer just drove us to a fifteen minute conversation. My surrogate Mom, in her 70s would never rely on computers and such in her home for reasons as such people finding ways to get into your personal life and so forth. She even talked about me spilling my guts out on the internet for the whole world to see as well. I didn’t take offend to her words or anything because she is definitely right when it comes to Satan attacking and being the biggest bully I have ever known in my life outside those kids who teased me at school constantly while growing up. When she asked me how and why I would spill my guts on the internet for the world to see, I thought about how I should be in my writing. I do need to be more careful these days. Computers can act like big brother these days. The fact the President of the United States wants every home to have a computer…that is good in my way of thinking but it can be not so good as well. The “big brother” thought comes to mind constantly. I am not into politics but I will vote for the person I feel comfortable for discreetly and quietly. I have some time to think about it now with voting day coming up in a few days from now. I registered abouot three weeks ago.

I personally think I need to write more later. I feel I have walked in circles here tonight at an early hour of the night. I am tired as usual. I think I will take it easy for the rest of the night. No one here take into stock what was written here just yet. I need to finish my thoughts later. bye for now.

It is 7:30 p.m. now. my day is now over and a new day will soon begin for me in several hours. I am not going anywhere tonight. i am safe and snug in my place at the darkened hour of the evening listening to a Chipmunk’s cartoon that is on the Disney channel. Nothing on television anymore these days I guess, lol. Who cares anyway. I have been chatting with friends, talking on the phone, and reading all day long. I finally finished reading Nora Roberts Novel “The Three Fates”, and believe me, if you like Nora Roberts, which I particularly don’t like her words she uses (swearing), it was a good book. I finsihed it today and now I am going to read my newest, from my collection of Mary Higgins Clark, Daddy’s Little Girl, later but NOT tonight. It is getting late now. I did, before buying the book, read the back cover and tonight I read the first three paragraphs and noticed that I would really enjoy the new book a lot. Now, I like Mary Higgins Clark books a lot! She is a good writer for sure. At least for me she is.


It is a cloudy day here at 11:11 a.m.. Not much here going on right now. Thinking of doing my laundry tomorrow for sure now. Really do not have a lot to say right now. I need to get myself going for my day. I will write more later. Bye for now but not forever.

A Quickie

“For a Monday, this day is not too bad at all. The weather is nice and comfortable and not chilly at all.” — Kristi K

I have dealt with depression so many times but as bad as the depression I felt these past three weeks. It has been horrible in a literal sense. Today, being the second day of trying to do things despite my feeling down and out, I am glad to have plans made even though I am bouncing back and forth in my head about plans. I look so forward to go to K & J W’s place and this is one of my “looking forward to seeing J.W.” days. It will be after my counseling appointment, though.

My world in school is over. I have decided to go into my Mary Kay business full-time this past Wednesday. I had lost my happiness in school for a while and prayed about it and came to the conclusion to do my business full-time. I will be withdrawing from school as of November 5th of this year, which is in about two weeks. I will not be returning in the Spring. My happiness is in my business and I am going to go into it full-time and become a saleswoman, which I do best and happy. I looked at my schooling realistically and found myself not graduating for a long time and I do not want to be a student forever or for life. I am not disappointed in my decision at this time but I am surely dealing with a lot of sleep during the day and awake during the night and that’s absolutely no fun whatsoever because I am tired most of the day and wanting to sleep all day long. Depression has hit indeed and I hate it witih a passion for sure. Anyway, my happiness is in my Mary Kay business and no longer in school. I have to be happy or I will be worse off than I am right now, Thank goodness for counseling at 2 p.m. on Mondya with GS. I hope he understands my findings.

Before I go…I just realized that my world in writing here at DD has been real low and short if I do write. I am coming back here as well on a daily basis gang. I miss all of this writinig of my feelings so badly that my world is not complete some days when writing is to none. As of November 1, 2004, I will be back at full swing. Until then, my writing will still be somewhat low and. I love it here too much to leave permanently, and now I can get back into the swing of reading other friend’s journals and leaving comments and such. I love you guys a lot and that is all that there is to it these days gang. Bye for now. I will write tomorrow sometime for sure…if I find the time. I am not bored yet anyway.

Dear Friends

Dear DD Friends,

I would like to thank you for your kindness and patience regarding my posts and journaling being scattered about each month while I am going to school. It has been a rough semester emotionally for the past three weeks but I am not going to give up on classes and homework just yet. It has been a joy going to school. With winter coming just around the corner, I can tell the changes are going around in me emotionally and physically. I do not like the cold weather at all because it slows me down to almost a snail pace phsyically. I do my best despite it. Life is great though! I will do well…I promise!

Kristi K