11/23

The confusion between myself and my relationship with Rick has passed. We are still together and working things out at a slow pace – slower than we were going in the beginning of our relationship at the very beginning. Yes, I did feel uncomfortable for a while and so did Rick, and the tension was very high for the both of us. I feel that I have to give him one more chance because it does take two to tangle at times as well as screw up. Rick does love me and I love him. How I have come to this realization is having a few days to think without Rick being with me every second and I took the time not to answer to every phone callhe made. RIck still has concerns about our relationship and he does not sleep well in regards I have had very little sleep myself regarding our relationship. I have also come to realize that I have my issues too.

11/20



Feeling Mixed Up!

I feel too that I have not given part of my relationsship with my boyfriend. Again, I do not like it when he does some things and I know he does not like some things I do too, but lately we have not been spending a lot of time together because I have been busy with school and other things. The relationship with my boyfriend is one of my worries to some degree because we have not had any quality time together without him helping me with my school work or something. I do not feel cuddly at times and lately I have not felt at all comfortable with cuddling or the thought of it. I do not know why? Is a relationship with the opposite sex for me right now? I do not think so.

11/19



I am not angry at the fact that some people say things that make it seem that my words are being twisted and misunderstood, but it is kind of disappointing. For the past couple of days it seems, to me anyway, that I have been being picked on and my words are not coming out right as I had hoped they would. What is wrong with me? I do not mean to sound like such a mean, downgrading person. I guess, when I have my period that is the time to keep my mouth shut and wait to read certain entries after my hormones are calmed again.

Free Spirited …

I just realized, after all these years, that I am somewhat free spirited. I think I am … no I am one of those people who does not like to be tied down to one relationship. Relationships have been hard for me in the past and are still hard for me. why am I so worried about having a man in my life right now? I have no idea! lol. I am still confused. The letter I had written to Rick seems now like a lost cause right now. He told me that he understood the letter and liked it that I was open to him about us, but something clicked in my head earlier tonight that made me think that the letter was definitely a lost cause and my words have been forgotten. I have been hurt by men before but I have not been hurt like this. I will not allow a man to control me and I will not control a man. Nellie Mom was right that I was once possessive and conotrolling and now I have turned a new leaf and now a man is what I used to be like and I do not like it one bit. No … I do not. I think I am free spirited. What do you think?

My Friendships

My friends are very important to me and I will do anything for my friends within reason. I am a compassionate person. I have a friendship with a man my age who has down syndrome. His name is Jimmy. My friend Kelly is married to him, Jimmy is also very compassionate and loving to all his friends … both men and women. When it comes to giving me hugs, my boyfriend seems jealous and does not like it. My friendships with ALL my friends are very important to me and I can not focus on just one friend to be happy. That is why I am feeling that being tied down in a relationship with a man is not for me unless God intervenes and makes a relationship perfect for me. Yes, I am thinking of ending my relationship with my boyfriend but again I am afraid to do so because he seems very ______________. Hmmm? What can I say right now?? I can not say anything right now. HELP! I thought this boyfriend was the answer to my prayers and God had delivered him to me but again it was me doing it all all over again. Do I make any sense? Probably not, lol…

If I have to get the authorities involved, it will be so…that’s for d*** sure!

Excuse Me For Swearing

My d*** was a swear word and I do not usually use swear words in my thoughts. )Please excuse me for swearing. Thanks!

Good Night

I am going to say adios and good night for now. I will be back tomorrow or sometime this weekend. Bye for now.

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11/18



My Period

I have my period kind of bad so I am staying home from school today. It is flowing very heavy and it is driving me nuts. I can not wait until it is over. I got it Sunday morning early.

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11/16

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A BUSY WEEKEND!

I had one busy weekend. I went to a birthday party Friday for a while, went to church with Nellie Mom, Reb, and Nellie Mom’s neice LS. After church, we had potluck, and then attended the Beloit church for a concert and mini sermon. I did not get home Saturday until some time before 9 p.m.. I was going to spend the night at the hotel with the birthday girl, but I had a headache all day long and wanted to sleep in my own bed and home. Today, I spent some time on line working on two projects at one time, lol. I have had the day to myself all day without company.

Feeling Dumb

When I read an entry today, I got a comment back right in his journal entry. I felt real stupid because I was not offended, but the author did have some good points. I wish I can take back what I have said and rewrite everything all over again but that is not possible. If we could, God would have allowed us to do so from the beginning. I was offended? I do not think so. Hmmm?

I am going to try to come back in a while or tomorrow sometime while at school or in the afternoon after I return home from school and appointment. Gotta run for now. I need to think more on what to write regarding to the Feeling Dumb entry. For now, later…

Good night

I am going to say good night here. Night!

11/16



A BUSY WEEKEND!

I had one busy weekend. I went to a birthday party Friday for a while, went to church with Nellie Mom, Reb, and Nellie Mom’s neice LS. After church, we had potluck, and then attended the Beloit church for a concert and mini sermon. I did not get home Saturday until some time before 9 p.m.. I was going to spend the night at the hotel with the birthday girl, but I had a headache all day long and wanted to sleep in my own bed and home. Today, I spent some time on line working on two projects at one time, lol. I have had the day to myself all day without company.

11/13



I Have Been Thinking About It …

The stress at school has been pretty rough. I am not thinking of dropping out of college or changing my career choice to something else, but I have been thinking about my relationship with Rick. Yes, I have been thinking about breaking it off with him and no I will not break it off with him so I am confused and lost. I personally think that A LOT of my stress is related to the relationship with Rick. Ever since we have met and he has put his charm on me and my parents, I have seen changes in Rick that make our relationship confusing. Because of the changes I have seen in him, I too have changed regarding to our relationship. He has never laid a hand on me in regards to hitting, but I do not want him touching me like he once did for some reason. It is as if I am afraid of him and what is the use of continuing with our relationship in so many words. Friends have seen him in a different light and so have I, and that scares me. I have told Rick how I have felt and that I do want our relationship to work because I do love him, but his attitude has changed. Even Emilee, my thirteen year old cat seems different around him. She is more on guard with him! Emilee does not like some people and men is pretty much it.

I think, from the way Rick acts and puts himself to other people, he is jealous of my friendships with my friends I have known for a long time. He is putting himself in a place where none of my friends want him around but they are willing to give him a chance since he is my boyfriend and I do love him. He wants to spend time with me and be included with what I do with my friends, but he comes across as overbearing, possessive, domineering, and too much of a joker by not taking anything serious when serious is in the game, so he is not welcome openly like he was when we first met.

When I first met Rick, he told me that he was from a family of spoilers, and we have met in the last four days of June. I have not, even to this day, gotten used to him lavishing his love and affection on me. In fact, it scares me sometimes because I am very independent and I do not WANT to be dependent on anyone or him. His temper is not exactly raging but it seems to be noticed more. I want to kick him out to the curb for good because I do not want such temper in my home or around me. I have been hurt and relationships have been destroyed because of my immature behavior years ago. I feel I am making another unwise choice once again in my relationship with Rick which makes me want to have no relationships with men beyond friendship any longer. If he reads this, I do not care. He will be kicked out to the curb in a second if his demeanor is mean and he becomes violent in language or physical.

I do know that we can not change anyone except ourselves. I have been having a lot of flags go up in my mind that are not quite red but yellow meaning caution and beware.

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11/11



My Feelings About my relationship with RR is changing for reasons I am beginning to see a side of him that making red flags pop up almost everywhere. The flags, not quite yet red, are actually yellow right now. I am hoping that things change for the better but I know that most of the time, changes are not made in relationships, when a man has some major or even minor issues. Something is not right and I am beginning to feel it.

11/11



My Feelings About my relationship with RR is changing for reasons I am beginning to see a side of him that making red flags pop up almost everywhere. The flags, not quite yet red, are actually yellow right now. I am hoping that things change for the better but I know that most of the time, changes are not made in relationships, when a man has some major or even minor issues. Something is not right and I am beginning to feel it.

11/9 – Good Night Friends



I had computer over from 3 p.m. – 7 p.m.. Pastor did came to do a Bible study with Rick and me at 6 p.m., and then when Pastor left, Rick went with him. I am glad to have time for myself now. I have been playing silly games on the computer: Chicken and Eggs, Diamond Mine, and Drop Poker. I had fun for a while testing the games out. I thought that Chicken and Eggs was the silliest of them all. I am going to bed shortly. Good night for now. It is back to the drawing board, going to school tomorrow. YEAH!

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