10/31



In Loving Memory

R. Cummings

Nellie Mom’s sister died today around 7:15 a.m..

Halloween?

Although Halloween is not celebrated by me any longer, I do think there are some real cute costumes out there for the kids and grown ups who do Halloween. I wish that Halloween was not dressing up in a costume, going door to door, and getting candy from strangers and/or friends. I wish it did not exist and was a tradition. For the past month I have been ill with anxieties and the last couple of days I have dealt with some kind of flu bug — missing three days of school. I have been having nightmares and bad dreams regarding Halloween festivities and celebrations. It scares me to know that Halloween is a holiday for evil spirits and witchcraft and other spookies. I am so glad that I live in an security locked building where trick and treating is prohibited. I have not given out candy for the past several years for reasons that Halloween no longer interests me — it scares me. Halloween should not be celebrated but then again everyone is entitled to their opinions and decisions in life. i am only one person.

12 – 12:30 a.m.

Talk about Halloween being a bad night for pranks or weird things happening. I had a weird thing happen while asleep on the futon. My smoke detector malfuction twice, waking me up to a sound that seemed further away than in the hallway. I was half asleep and unsure of what was going on. When I jumped off the futon, I practically lost my balance staying on my weakened from the flu legs, and I went to the source of the wailing smoke detector, seeing no smoke or smelling of anything burning. I opened the bedroom door and did not see any smoke or smell any burning smells but I thought something was going on. I knew, in my heart, that Nellie Mom and her neice were at the hospital with Nellie’s sister, who died at 7:15 a.m. this morning, so I did not jump to hysterics or run for help. When I had awakened this morning, knowing that the office would not be open today, I called management in Milton and told them what happened last night, and within two hours, Jimmy, the maintenance man, came in with a new smoke detector, detached the malfunctioning one, and hooked the up the new one, and ever since then, I have been feeling a peace of quiet I was afraid was going to be disturbed throughout the rest of the night. All I had was a malfunctioning smoke detector that needed to be replaced and from what I understood by Jimmy, other detectors have malfunctioned as well. Here I thought that someone in the building was burning somethinig and the smoke got into my apartment, but there was no smoke smelled or seen. I also thought that a tenant, which we do have some real nasty ones, were playing a nasty prank on me, or the flu bug I have been having lately had really gone to my head and nothing was making any sense anymore. THE SMOKE DETECTOR HAD TO MALFUNCTION ON OCTOBER 31, 2003 – ON HALLOWEEN! EEEK!

My Boyfriend Rick

I really do not know what is Rick’s problem these days but I have been seeing a quality of him I have never seen before. I hate it when true colors come out later in a relationship which makes a relationship rocky. One of Rick’s problems is being with me 24/7. Even yesterday, not feeling well this entire week, he came over to help clean my house, and he had an attitude that was scary and so I did not say anything much. In fact, I did not have the energy to say much or argue. I am wondering if he is controlling and trying to run my life more than I once figured some time ago. I know having Rick over here all the time will cause our relationship to falter and I think that is exactly what is happening. I believe that our relationship is going downhill and I need to move on. I do not want abuse in my home or on me whatsoever. I will NOT allow Rick or any man control me to their full extent. I thought I was seeing the “not good side” of him. I am afraid of him now than I ever was when I first met him.

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I am going to write more later!

I do not usually write in my personal journal duriing Friday sundown to Saturday sundown but I did promise I woulld be back later in so many words.

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KIDS!

Four kids were caught throwing rocks in the apartment yard under my window. While four kids were throwing rocks anywhere possible. KIDS and their pranks that can be harmful and nasty. Even the paperboy did not deliver his papers the way they were supposed to be delivered but at least I got mine, LOL

The Flu!

I have been sick before…but this sick in a long time. YUCK!

One Last Entry For The Night

It is time, according to Emilee Cuddles, for me to go to bed. LOL!

10/29





How Can People Be So Cruel?

I have done nothing to anyone to deserve the kind of cruelty I have been receiving lately. Someone told me something that tugged at my heart strings to the point the tears flowed down my cheeks in the privacy my own home and I felt angry and hurt. I wanted to confront the person about her cruelty but then I considered the source and let the confrontation not exist. Even two days later, my heart still aches at such cruelty and nonsense. I am somewhat laughing about it now considering the source of the words and why they even came into play but the way the words were said and who heard them other than the person who said it, myself, and two people I do not know.

Get this! I am even having difficulties with the delivery of the papper! The paperboy, a young kid, seems to have an attitude that makes a whole room smell like rotten garbage. It seems that this kid has something against me and he is just causing so much trouble doing his delivery of papers.

I have no idea why people can be so cruel when I do not do anything to deserve such treatment or unkindness. I do have a right to complain and fume about what is bothersome just like everyone else.



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I Have Been Thinking

While sitting here at home, having time to myself without Rick around, I am seeing what kind of person he has turned out to be. I see the real Rick now. He is not abusive but he is surely possessive and I think he is controling. I will not take any controlling man into my life without a fight it seems. I love Rick, but he does not have to dominate my life which I am beginning to see. I have asked him, even though it was with some hrashness in voice, not to call me after 8 a.m. in the morning because I am just ab0ut ready to walk out the door to the bus stop. He CALLED ME this morning at 8:11 a.m. when I was getting ready to leave. He calls my home phone and my cell phone and I have askekd him to only call twice a day. He calls me at awkward times and that is bothersome! I have been thinking and seeing what kind of person Rick can be and he NEEDS TO GROW UP. He is insecure in many areas in his life and he IS TWO YEARS older than ME?! I have been wondering, a lot lately, if this relationship is going to last, and I am not sure of it right now.



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Need A Break

What is going on with Rick?



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I Did NOT get the paper tonight!

The paperboy did not get the paper tonight.

10/26/03

I thought, before Rick even came over, I would write in my journal quickly. Had a bath and washed my hair. It felt good to soak until the water became lukewarm. It is chilly outdoors but not cold cold yet. I live on the third floor and so the heat rises. In fact, ifi I have my windows shut, I have to turn the air conditioner on to get cool in here. Emilee has been seen very little today but when she wants, she does let me know that she is fine. What a very independent cat she is. As a matter of fact, she just made her presence known in front of me by the computer here, lol. Rick will be here shortly and I have my reservations about him being here today – even today. I got a call from my Nellie Mom a little bit ago regarding her nephew who is in the hospital having a spinal tap done because there is a possibility he has mengitis. OUCH! I can tell you…this weekend is definitely goofy and strange. I called my friend KAW and woke her up! I hate that when I do that. I tried to tell her about the little boy…Nellie Mom’s nephew and the possibility of him having spinal mengitis. Rick will be here shortly…yet I do not know what time, lol. I did say 2 p.m., but he might be late. LOL I am going to sign off for the time being and get back to writiing later.

6:33 p.m.

I am back to writing in my journal now. Rick left for home to take a nap before work about 5:30 p.m.. He was FALLING ASLEEP ON MY FUTON! I made him go home to take a nap so he would be fresh for another work day. Anyway, I was ready for company to go for the night. I did not see Emilee very much today and she has been hiding a lot, lol I will be getting back to writing later…

8:23 p.m.

I am having one of those nights…company is gone, the lights are off and my computer is up and running, and the tv is on behind me. I am tired but I cannot sleep right now. If I do, I will not sleep through the night. Rick is home … never called me to let me know he got home safely. I wonder if he is sulking because I sent him home to take a nap before he went to work in the morning. I wonder if I made him mad. hmmm?

10/25/03

I am having one of those days where I will answer the phone to specific people, I do not want any company at all today, and I am bored to death. Imagine that! This morning Rick calls me at 9 a.m. bothered by getting a lot of phone callsthat were not identifiable. Calling me at 9 a.m., even when he was not asked to, really made my blood boil. I was grumpy and very happy. I wanted to be left alone until after 11 a.m.. Because I needed him, he had his phone turned off so he could dodge the phone calls and he wanted to come over here. When he finally called, in return to my three calls, I felt it was too late for him to coome over even though it was only 2 p.m. in the afternoon. By then, I did not want anyone coming over or calling I did not want to talk to. Even when the phone rang, a few minutes ago, I turned it off when I realized it was Rick who was calling me. I did not want to talk to him right then. I am bored and grumpy today.

October 24, 2003



It has been one of those days today. I did not go to class at 11 a.m. As a matter of fact, I stayed home from school today. My period was very heavy and the weather outdoors is cold and wet and rainy. I withdrew from accounting 1 Wednesday afternoon and will retake the class next Fall. Tonight I will be helping out at the Fall Carnival at school/BTC with my friend Jess. She will be here to pick me up in a few minutes and I am ready to go pretty much right now. I do not think I will be on anymore tonight but I will be on tomorrow. Good night and God Bless!

October 20, 2003



I could have had a better day today. I could have a better night last night really. I feel tired and so emotional right now. Satan has really ben working on me and my friends for some reason. I can tell you one thing…I have been fearful of things I should not be fearing. Honestly, this month has Halloween and I really do not care about it. I have been having nightmares a lot lately since this summer and I see a lot of monsters and evil around me that is just driving me crazy. I see decorations at school everywhere I go and some of it is weird stuff.

What Am I Afraid Of?

Get ready to hear this…

I am afraid of my accounting instructor!

A Decision Has Been Made

I will not drop out of Accounting 1 at this time and I do not think, at this time, I will drop out before the semester is over. I am going to win this fight and defeat the problems I bave been dealing with.

October 19, 2003



I am sitting here having a good time today with no company here. I took a bath and got cleaned up and boy, I feel somewhat headachy! I do not know what is going on today, and I do have to admit, I do not want Rick around today. I need time away from a boyfriend. Actually, I am doing fine without Rick around this weekend and I surely feel independent and free today. I still wonder if Rick has a tight leash on me sometimes and that is kind of scary and he does need to work on his issues without me as well as with me. I feel like a broken record!



4:19 p.m.

It has been a quiet afternoon. I am not having Rick come over at all this weekend since I am understanding the homework and studying for the test. Also, I needed to have time for myself and myself alone. I do not remember when the last time I had time for myself and myself only and it surely does feel real good. I still wonder if Rick has a tight hold on me more than he admits or am I seeing things unclearly. I really enjoy having time for myself.

Another Time to Vent

Rick calls me four times today regarding the same thing over and over again. It is driving me crazy. Does he have a tight leash on me? I am beginning to think so. I feel I am more independent than he is acting right now. He needs to be with me all the time? I do not think so! He needs a break from me, too. He just does not think so. I have been doing fine on my accounting problems!!

A New Change Now in the Works …



I have decided, from now on, if I have any entries too write in my journal, I will be continuing from my first entry instead of adding a new subject every entry so if any entries are longer, they will be more manageable and readable.

Finding Time to Write

For the past several weeks my writing has been cut way down because of school and homework. I am not complaining but I have not been on my own computer at home as often either because of homework. I would write more, but I do not even have the time. I do not stay up late on school nights and I do not really stay up late on weekends either since my Saturday’s are pretty busy with church and schoolwork after sundown. I have been falling asleep after 11 p.m. every night with the television on and waking up with nightmares or bad dreams, or running to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Last night, which is Friday, I slept real good all night long, so I feel refreshed for the day. I was doing my homework, at sundown, for accounting and realized I have made a mistake in one of my adjusting entries so I am going to figure it out tomorrow before going on to the next assignment problem 4-4. I am getting ready for test #3 for Accounting which is this Wednesday. That is why I have had very few entries written since school began.

Somewhat of a Vent Possibly

I need a break from my boyfriend every now and then. Sometimes I wonder if he has a tight leash on me because I am so independent and he’s dependent on me. I do not mind seeing him throughout the week and have him help me with my school work and studies, but I see him so much throughout the entire week and weekend. Today I took a break from him and got some respite from him and everything. Even Emilee Cuddles, now sittingi next to me on my computer desk was not seen throughout the day until after 6 p.m.. She is not even begging for attention. She is being so loving right now.

I do not know what is going on with me right now with my sleeping pattern being off. It scares me some. Even my moods are on edge now and then with my friends. I will be going to see my counselor on Monday after school so I will get to the bottom of it.

Those lady bugs are coming into my apartment through the air conditioner. I have gotten bit by a couple of them in the past three weeks. They will not leave me alone. How many of them have I killed? SEVERAL! RIck thinks I act a little weird because they are flying around my apartment and driving me crazy. And that is not all that he thinks I am acting weird about.

The paperboy is even acting like a childish brat and is driving many customers crazy. I do not know now how many times I have complained but I know I am not the only one regarding his attitude and delivery of the paper. The kid is driving me crazy! That is the other thing RIck thinks I am acting weird about because of how the paper boy delivers and acts… To be very honest with you, I have noticed that Rick’s behavior needs repair too and he needs to grow up if he is dependent on me so much. Why did I jump to this? I am going off track. LOL, wnat is new? Nothing really…:)