Daily Archives: April 17, 2003

One More Vent for the 17th

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Ah man! I have a PMS headache trying to peer through my temples. The nagging boom boom feeling is coming on kind of nasty. I hate it!! When I have my period I get moody and can not always think rationally, and I just feel icky inside as well as unclean. I know it sounds gross but whhat can I say. I don’t like to fib whatsoever. I have ben venting all day lonn without leaving my feelings welled up inside about to make me feel crazy. I hate PMS! Boy did I swear a lot today! I am going to wash my mouth with soap tonight! Anyway, I did not hide any of my feelings at all today, did I? Life is NOT a ripe bowl of cherries all the time is it?

I am going to say good night from here now and come back tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day and it is time to shut down and get some sleep. Night all!

Life in General Now

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Life in general sometomes stinks according to the person who is living the life but there is nothing a person can really do except live their life the way it was intended. The manager of the building I live in is leaving/moving out in a few weeks so things in my life is going to be changing in places where I do NOT want the changes to occur but I am very happy for her and the decoision she made for herself. Life deals with a lot of change and I am one of those people who deals “not so well” with change. Abandonment comes racing back into my mind as if it never left or was not left in the past where it belongs. When I have my period each month, I do not think rationally a lot and am cold to others in tone. I surely have not dealt very well with change since Grandpa Clarence died in February, the 15th, the day AFTER Valentine’s Day. These past few weeks have been rough but manageable. I have been doing well in school even through such a horrible turmoil emotional. It has been horrible but it could have been worse but it isn’t. I have been venting ALL day long now and I still feel I have to vent and so it will go on forever today. What could be worse? I could out on the streets…without a roof over my head. Living here these past several days have been h****** but I am going to avoid the horrible things going on around me. Speaking of VENTING, here I am writing about the place I live and one of the tenants did angrily accuse me of writing about him and this building all over the internet. What is wrong with venting? Nothing. If i did not write it here, I would be writing it elsewhere in a notebook or something like it. Some people just have such distorted minds sometimes and it makes me madder than a hornet – not the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland. But this life of mune is not fantasy at all whatsoever even though I wish it was a better one then this one. Life in general right now is feeling somewhat better than earlier but A LOT of words have popped up today…a lot of EMOTIONS definitely. More later yet…

I Wish I Could & More…

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Move and get away from here where I live but money is an issue and my place is my home whether or not I like to live in the “neighborhood” I live in. The world is cruel sometimes and I do not always think that things are fair but they happen for a reason under God’s knowledge and love of His people. Even though the past two weeks have been nothing but a h*** hole, I am still a tenant in this building and I have a right to live here as well. Who cares about the other people who live here? I do and I am sorry that some of the tenants have followed the trouble makers here. I won’t follow the trouble makers. I have my own life to live as well as school classes to attend. Life goes on and time does heal. I no longer live at TM but at **** Burbank Ave. Apt 308. I will be ok and that is a promise, even though I might have to make some changes in my life to make it more comfortable for me to live here. I have this dream, which will never die, that I will get a job that will get me away from here into my own house. That dream WILL NEVER die and no one is going to take that away from me NEVER NEVER. I wash my hands from this place at this time.

That Downward Spiral

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I can care less about the trouble makers I have met throughout the years. If they want to lie and deceive people, I know that God knows all even though the wool has been pulled over many eyes, but NEVER will the wool be pulled over God’s eyes. He knows, sees, and hears all. What ever happens to the trouble makers in this world, justice will be done right by God even if and when the justice system of this world fails. I am definitely venting still – past the wanting to cry stage but of anger that has been fueled in my mind and body. I have the d*** right to vent anytime I want. No one is going to harass or bother me after yesterday’s knowledge the manager resigning from her position at the end of the month. I will come and go from my place as I have always except for the fact I will not talk to the tenants in long engaged conversations from yesterday forward. I am indeed happy for the manager as she is going to be seventy years old in May and her health is in need of repair and in need of constant prayer on a regular basis. REB’s health as well of course. I can manage well on my own even though the manager who is leaving the end of May. It is probably for the best anyway. I can get through anything in time and prayer. I am just angry at the people who seek trouble for people – friends or not. I am a kind person and that’ll never change of course, but I do need to change my choice of friends from this day forward. Still in prayer regarding Nana and our relationship, I have to tread on careful waters from now on. I still have mixed feelings about some things in this mind of mine though. I does seem scary of course, but the scary part will too pass. Life is definitely a bowl of ripe cherries all the time…that’s for sure! Boy, IS MY HEART feeling heavy right now and definitely beating strangely. I do not want to even leave my apartment at all this weekend but I do have an obligation to do while a neighbor is gone for the weekend. I am looking in on Oreo the cat again. That’ll help. I just do not want to see anyone anywhere while in the halls or downstairs in the lobby mail room. This place has eyes, ears, a nose, and it breathes an evil breath. Satan is definitely here everyday. I feel sorry for the tenants, too because…can’t really find the right words right now…???? Again, more later…

This is a Definite Venting Session NOW!

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OK…!!! This is definitely a venting session now. I do not know if I am upset to where I want to cry or scream out what is on my mind. Living where I am living still is a great big hole of hell right now. I had gotten home from school yesterday and found a notice on the board by the manager office saying that the onsite manager has resigned and her last day is April 30th. She and REB are moving from this place the end of May and now I am not sure how to feel. I know I was shocked to read a note and a little disgusted at the happy tones of the manager’s voice saying she had two weeks left and she is out of here and moving away from this hell hole. I am happy for her indeed but I am having mixed feelings about this whole place I am living at. The tenants, thankfully not all, seem coldhearted and nasty. I am vowing, this time it is going to stick, not to speak to any of the tenants here and go on from coming and going and staying in my apartment. After the manager leaves, along with REB, I will have only one friend left in this place to do things with. That’ll be RH. I am still praying about the friendship with Nana Lea. I am still feeling uncomfortable talking to her about things, especially the things I have been able to talk to her about before. I am feeling this is the lowest I have gone in such a long time that I spoke to my doctor (priimary) yesterday to let her know what is going on and so I will be seeing her Monday at 3 p.m.. I feel that, ever since Grandpa Clarence died, the memorial, and the burial, things have been going down a fast spiral. More later…