Daily Archives: April 15, 2003

One More Entry

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I know I said that I was signing off for the night a while ago, butjust about an hour ago, I had something I needed to say before going to bed. It is not a lot of course, but it is something that needs to be released from mind. I am literally exhausted of being tired because of emotional drain from something that is either because I am myself being attacked by someone’s unkind and nasty words or if someone, a friend mainly, is talked to by someone in an unkind or nasty way. No one can get along anymore because of mistrust or something far worse than that. For the past several days have been pretty mixed up even with emotions flaring, As a student in school, what is keeping me going is my classes and socialization. I think I am just rambling!!!! Phooey!

Today Definitely Was Not So Great But…

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I am still here..and that is the important thing, right? Tomorow brings another day of school so I will be gone for a couple of hours anyway. Then again it is another time to sit at home with the door locked, checking the phone every time the phone rings, and doing what I do when I laze at home whether it is pajamas or dressed. I need to go for now. This is good bye for this day and good night everyone! Bye

monstergue

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I am definitely trying at this trying time, that’s for sure. I am really disgusted with some of the tenants here and I do not associate with all of them here. There are few tenants here I did not know lived here because they do mind their own business here. I know I have told people many times that I will only leave here and come back without talking to the nos-its who do live here as there is always going to be a nos-it or two or three. I am vowing to come and go from this place and not at all associate with the tenants in here except for a few but as the christian I am to portray, I can not do that. I just will not engage with some of them any longer. Yes, it has gotten pretty bad here for my friend here and because I AM his friend, the tenants causing havoc for my friend are snubbing me. I do not want to portray that kind of person even though I have. I will say hello to tenants from now on BUT WILL NOT engage in conversation with the tenants any longer. I have even put a friendship in the Lord’s hands already and that was a tough one to think about as I was hotheaded about what that tenant said about my friend. I will only engage in conversation with the outside management and the manager, my male friend, RH, and friends outside the building. I am going to work on not being a snubber here. If I have to get up to go to school, go to school and back, and lock myself up in my apartment with just me and Emilee, it will be done. My associaton with people here is going to go down to only three people here and three outsude this building if NEED BE!! I know you are right in regards to it blowing over but in the meantime it is taking my friend’s strength and survival right out of him.

What Is It Like To Live in Constant Anxiety??

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It seems that the building I live in breathes! There are tenants who are not trouble makers and then there are those trouble makers. What is worse is that those trouble makers know exactly who they are. I am feeling that this building breathes. I feel like big brother is watching me. The walls are so thin here that I can hear the next door neighbor snore at night when it is deadly quiet around here. I have a phone that is 2.4 Ghz and yet I am not sure if any conversation can be picked up on a scanner and there are people in here who do have scanners. Living here has been nothing but hell this past week where I go to school every morning except most Tuesdays and Thursdays so I can get away from this place. All I have been hearing is verbal attacks against another tenant who happens to be my friend. I even have to put my friendship with Nana Lea in the Lord’s hands because she too has filed complaints agaunst my friend last week or so. Today, having more thought about this past week to yesterday, has been nothing but an emotional turmoil against my friend. The lies from other tenants have been flying furiously around here like a spreading fire and all it is an emotional and verbal attack here and there. I feel that big brother is watching and listening to everything that is going on in this place. I would move but where would I go? I love it here other than the <i.sh** that has been going on these past couple of months. Ok, I swore here. That side of me IS COMING out to play. I feel like sh** emotionally right now and having my period DOES NOT help me none whatsoever. I even called my counseling place today to see when I can see the doctor to be put on something to help me emotionally and mentally. I will not see him until the 30th of April. I have my period now and it is real troublesome today. I hate them even though I am glad I get them each month. I wonder how bad it is going to get for me this month as far as my monthly since it started today. YUCK! and double YUCK! I get so emotional at times during my monthly’s that’s for sure!

I remember one time when one of the tenants, who is a male tenant, b****** about the fact that I write about the tenants in my entries. I DO NOT use names so the innocent and not innocent are protected by law. I have freedom of speech both in private and public matters. This tenant said that I was broadcasting everything that goes on here where I live all over the internet and really I am venting and I do not broadcast all over the internet at all. This place, Dear Diary, is a place to write your feelings and share your thoughts with other diarists who feel the same way I do part of the time. That tenant is nothing but a trouble maker – one of them – here and he is one of the tenants who is verbally going against my good friend saying that he (the tenant) was attacked by my friend and that NEVER happened. Everyone here is just vengeful and malicious here. I feel sorry for the tenants who do not have a happy life. They have to make other people miserable as well. I am beginning to feel this place is pure evil and it breathes, has eyes and a mouth, and definitely a nose! It is horrible…BAD! I have been crying a lot lately because this past week has been nothing but a hellhole. I want to move away and get my own house. I am not happy right now.