Today I was gone from 10 a.m. – 2:45 p.m. running errands with Nana. I got my hair trimmed a bit – not a lot – at the styling salon – went to the store to a couple of things, to the bank, and got a sandwich, When we got back, I was glad to be back and yet not glad to be back. Now, after getting together with Lea for that length of time, I had felt a little mixed up in feeling regarding the get together. I had a good time and yet I felt uncomfortable at the same time. The friendship with Nana is strained I noticed. I just do not feel right right now. Should I have gotten together with Nana? I just do not know!! I am having mixed feelings right now. What can I do? There is so much going on here where I live right now. It is almost better to be away from here until things calm down again. I am so glad that I have school to contend with most of the time right now because it gives me something to do both inside and outside the home. I am not saying that the friendship with Nana is dying but it is definitely strained. I do not feel comfortable. For the past three weeks, going on four now, so much has happened that I do not even know about because I am not home and if I am home, I am in my apartment minding my own business. I do not see or hear what goes on in this place anymore. I do not want to be a part of anything here except for my own business and life. I have so much to d0 for the last three weeks of classes anyway. I have a good life – I just need to find happiness again, which I know is here but is temporarily lost. A lot of things in my life is strained except for three friendships…thankfully. i wish the friendship with Nana was not strained and yet I love her and do not want her health to take her down any further. I do care for Nana even though we have not had time together for a few weeks.

The Community Room

I see that the community room is “closed until further notice” once again. I do not know the just as to why the room is closed to the tenants but i have not been able to sit in the community room with great pleasure anyway for a long time. When I sat in the community room to wait for my ride to go to church, the same tenants would be sitting in the room complaining about this and that and saying things about other people that were not so nice, etc… I did not feel comfortable sitting in the community room for so long now. I could care less if the community room was closed permanently if it stops the gossip and rumors from hurting other tenants. I do not even know, now that it has been a long time, when was the last time I enjoyed sitting in the community room having a good time with my friends. I do know that I have played Yahtzee, Sorry, and UNO with my friends who live in this building. Two tenants, a couple now, have moved from here some time back, leaving three of us. Now, two more of my friends, which is the best thing, are moving out from here too. This place, once a joyous place for many, has become such a negative sounding place for a lot of people who hear about it on the outside.

My world here is a little mixed up. Who can I trust now a days. I have always been kind to people and saying hello and engaging in conversations with other tenants but now that has changed enough for me to change my attitude about some things. I even got a phone call from my 9 o’clock class instructor just to see if I was feeling better. That was soooooo sweet of Mary to do so. She is caring and compassionate. So much needs to change in my life and I do not know where to begin right now except to finish school with good grades and a good heart. But my life where I life, as far as the tenants are concerned, definitely needs to change for the better. Depression and anxiety is something awful most of the time. The place I live it should be a pleasant place to live, not a h*** hole and talk of the town of people which it is…and that is not fair to the tenants who do have absolutely nothing to do with what goes on as far as gossip and rumors are concerned. I can tell you that I am still the so-called victim to such things but I am not complaining about it at all.

This is my place and I do love it here a lot even though I do not like what is going on here. I am going to make the best of a not so good situation as best I can. The world is cruel at times and that does not seem fair, but I have a right to live where I’m living, and I am going to stay here. If i find a house someday, my dream will come true and it will be of God’s will.

Feeling Better

I just wanted to let everyone know that i am feeling better now. I played hookey from school today. No, not really. I did call my instructors to let them know that I was not going to beclass today. Did I feel bad about playing hookey? Yes and no..as I did take it as a personal day as well. My instructors know that I dea; with anxiety.

I do not know what I am going to do today. It is Sunday. My homework for Oral Communications is done so I do not have to worry about that, yeah! The weather is sunny outdoors but it looks a little overcast this morning. I had awakened at 7L15 a.m. with Emilee meowing at me telling me it was time to get up and take my meds. I did sleep in for forty-five minutes at least thiis morning, yeah! I took my meds. I am still in my pj’s and it is going on 9 a.m. I feel slept good in bed with Emilee not that far from me. I still woke up at od hours of the night to see what time it was and I wonder what that is all about. Am I having disturbing dreams oor something?? Can’t firgure that out. Bummer! Anyway, I feel better today, yes!

In My Own World

All afternoon I was not in the real world but in a world that is definitely a lot better than the real thing. Sounds bad, huh? I have had a slight headache all afternoon long. Nellie Mom was asked to come up for a few minutes to check things out. Once again. for a Saturday morning, I did not get to sleep in any as my body would not allow it, phooey!! I decided to throw some beans in some water and soak over night so I can make something with them and try out something new once again. I hve been somewhat inventive since Thursday morning I see… COOL! I am in my own world now that I am in my own place with no one to bother me except for my cat Emilee and to be frankly honset, she does not count. She is a joy of mine always! She had me write in her journal twice today, silly girl! She NEVER fails to amaze me even when times are down for me.

I wonder, other than traveling to see my mom and stepfather, I do not know what I am going to do this summer when I am on break from school until the Fall semester begins August 25, 2003. It was during Winter brea that I pretty much cracked since I had so much time on my hands. Here I am talking about something that hasn’t happened yet. I hate that! Kristi’s Smiles. I am feeling better, that’s for sure! I am definitely in my own world!

My First Speech = Informative

Remember when I said “Wish me luck”? Well, I did fine. Iwas happy with it and glad that I was able to get through it even though I was very nervous. Talking in front of people is one of the hardest things i had to do but I can do it. My next and last speech is on Wednesday, April 14 – a persuasive speech.

I am at school right now and in a few minutes I will be going to class and I will be doing my speech today. I am a little nervous but not terribly nervous. Yesterday at home I had the fear come into mind regarding my speech but that fear pretty much disappeared shortly after it was even thought of. I was a basket case for a while though. LOL As I was writing in my school journal a few minutes ago, I did forget my user ID but that was soon remembered as my name is Kristi Mary K****** and I have Kristimary as my ID for my school journal here at DD. A friend of mine, Nellie Mom, thought that would be a good nickname for me as an e-mail address, and that is what my address is for e-mail. I have 70 at the end kristimary70@***** as it is the year I was born. I better go for now as I do have to get to class shortly. WISH ME LUCK!

I Ran Into Something That Was Not So Pleasant

Ok, I know that every once in a while, I will run into some entries here that do not suit my taste of writing, but for some odd reason I ran into an entry that really bothered me just a few minutes ago. As a matter of fact, my feelings are still numb here. i am not denying the right of a diarist to write what he/she wants…I just hope that diarist is ok and not a threat to himself/herself. I know that this person likes music and the titles of the groups are unknown to me since I do not listen to certain types of groups. I am a classical, Christian, soft rock, and easy/light listening type of girl. You may think that strange but oh well.

I have been home all day. I put a turkey roast and potatoes in the crock pot this morning about 7 a,m. and I had some of it. It was delicious! I could not eat a lot of it, though, but what I did eat, it was yummy for this tummy. I think I am nervous about tomorrow’s oral presentation I have to do. Does anyone here want to do my oral presentation? LOL No bother responding. I know I have to do it myself and I know I will do just fine. I just have butterflies in my stomach. THe weather is a tad bit cloudy right now but it is close to the close of the day and it is almost time for me to sign off for the day. I think I am going to go now really. I am getting tired.