I can not believe that it is the last day of February already. Somewhat, to be honest here, the month has been both fast and slow. At the beginning of this week I did not wear my watch because time moved at a pace I could not understand. Looking at any time piece – a clock and watch – practically drove me crazy. Time was not always on my side this week and pretty much since my Grandpa Clarence passed away. I took, the slowness of time, a part of my grieving experience of losing Grandpa Clarence as well as a nuisance and a hinderance. There was one time I wished I had my watch on when I was Oral Communications since most of the classrooms no longer have a clock. As far as February goes, I am glad that is now February 28th.
I can not believe that it will be two weeks tomorrow since my Grandpa Clarence passed away. Time and speed has been somewhat on muy side here. Thankfully. I am still feeling the pressures of this month being both good and bad and everything else that goes along with it. In fact, thinking of my Monday appointment with my dietitian, I got mixed up with my appointment with my counselor at 12 noon. Looking at the time being 10:55 a.m., I have to leave here (school) in a few minutes to catch my ride to the appointment. Time is confusing sometimes.
Whenever I have a chance I write in my journal I have made of my Grandpa Clarence. It is not a lot at the moment but I have a total of 46 memories so far of what I remember of my grandfather- grandma uincluded of course. As I was sitting and relaxing in the tub I was remembering one of those memories. My Grandpa Clarence used to call me “peanuts” from the “peanuts” gang that Charles Shultz created. I hated it with a passion that he would call me that nickname but it did grow on me after all these years. I wonder why, today, whuy I did not like being called “peanuts”. I wish tbat Grandpa Clarence would call me that one last time. I do miss that as well as missing my Grandpa Clarence.
I had asked Nellie Mom about nighty night time tea or something just as soothing. She had given me two bags with four tea bags of relaxing tea last night and I drank a cup. Within an hour my body was relaxing and soon my eyes were getting droopy and tired. I went to bed at 10 p.m. when the Disney cartoon Teacher’s Pet – a silly show – came on. I had fallen asleep and awakened to the light flooding my bedroom telling me it was morning at 6:30 a.m. I had awakened about 45 minutes before my alarm sounded and I felt refreshed. I am a little tired of being tired and so my sleeping pattern needs to be put back in order.
My emotions have been bottled up long enough and now I am beginning to feel the pressure build up inside me. It is not a good feeling. One second I am laughing, the next I am wanting to cry, then I feel angry. I do not want a specific person at the memorial and I hope he does not show up. I am beginning to feel the pressure. Honestly, this has been a r0ugh eleven days – counting the days after Grandpa Clarence died. It will be two weeks this coming Saturday! WOW!
I would like to pass my condolences to C and J Sinclair for their loss of C’s Mother Monday evening. My heart goes out to them in prayer and understanding of their loss. Losing my Grandpa Clarence on the 15th of February I have noticed that death has been surrounding a lot of people and not just around me. Death is both sad and happy – if I make sense. When someone has been sick or ill for any length of time and death is close at hand, it is nice to know that the person who was sick is no longer in pain or suffering. May God give comfort and peace to the Sinclair’s and friends at this time.
After writing the first entry of the day I realized that I needed to get out of my apartment for a while- finding myself away from home for about five hours. I had gotten together with a friend this afternoon and went to get a few things I needed and wantned as belated Christmnas presents from my Arkansas parents. I had gotten a camera and an electric can opener with my Christmas money from my dad. I also, with my own money, got some personal itens since I have my period, now. YUCK! I also got a large posterboard to begin making a collage of Grandpa Clarence pictures for the memorial service on March 31st. I just did not feel so good, though. It felt weird being out and about.
Last night I felt that my right to grieve the loss of my Grandpa Clarence was taken away from me. I thought that I had been given the not ok to miss my Grandpa Ckarence because of someone writing me an e-mail in reply to what I had written to a friend. I had gotten a reply directly from the person I had e-mailed this morning but last night I had gotten a reply from her husband because he had read her e-mail and thought that everything was about me. I had gotten very upset even considering the source is not a good source. I missed school again today because I did not get any due to thinking and dreaming about Grandpa Clarence, and the e-mail had triggered some feelings that were all negative. The pain, the loss, the numbness is back all over again!
Being at school today was not as bad as it was like last week. I did not feel like I was walking in a fog like last week. I know I am still in the healing process of losing Grandpa Clarence. Time, however, has been nothing to me these past nine days. It has been slowed down to the point that I did fee I was just going through the motions of my life Every time I looked at the time it seems to not move. I did not wear my watch today because it would have been a disaster…a pain the bottom. I did feel strange and somewhat naked without my watch but I survived just fine. I did wish I had my watch on my wrist in Oral Communications because they have taken many clocks out of the classrooms. Even then the time seemed to be slow moving. It was definitely a manic Monday, LOL
We have yet to have the memorial and burial for my Grandpa Clarence but I have been noticing that I am at the very beginning of the healing process of losing my grandpa. Yesterday afternoon about 1 p.m., I went witn Nellie Mom and a couple of other friends to a tenants funeral service and dinner. Seeing Joe’s body in the casket at first frightened me but when I viewed his face I saw a peace on his face that confirmed he was not in any pain. I thought briefly about my grandpa and the fact that he was in pain and suffering when he was alive and he was no longer in pain or even suffering. With Grandpa Clarence’s past few years of life, he did not know anyone anymore and his life was in limbo after that for five years. Losing Grandpa Clarence has been tough and I have yet not had a good cry, that good cry may come at the end at the memorial and burial services. I have been thinking about it without trying to dwell on it, that death is not the final stage of life. If people believe in God and His Word, there is yet a resurrection of the dead when the 2nd Coming of Jesus happens. I have that hope of seeing my Grandpa Clarence again as we go home with Jesus. I still miss my Grandpa Clarence very much as I remember the good times with him when he was alive. Even when he was beginning to become ill with Alzheimer’s Disease (severe dementia) and it progressed quickly to his death, I have fond memories of visiting him and I am so glad that I had conquered and mastered the fear of seeing him in such a sick-like state. I do not know if I would have forgiven myself if I never saw Grandpa again during the last three years of his life. I feel somewhat guilty of not going to see him in New Mexico for the Thanksgiving holiday but I did not feel real comfortable missing three days worth of classes last semester since I was doing so well. Anyway, I am at the very beginning of the healing process. My heart still aches and feels a void and that will never go away but memories do live on forever to the day I die or begin to forget things because of severe dementia. I will not give up!!!!