I feel I am gotten out of sync with my writing, but I have been busy and tired lately again. I have just gotten over the worst part of an ear infection yesterday, and this week has been busy so far. Really it is March 28, 2001 yet for me as it is a different time with Dear Diary here. I think, according to DD, it is three hours into the night now and it is only after nine here. No problem…just noticed it last week.

Ever since I became a member here at DD, I have enjoyed being here and reading other journal entries. I love it here.

I will get back to my writing of my story next week.

Even though it says at Dear Diary that it is the 27th now, it is only the 26th for me yet for another three hours according to manmade time. Sometimes my world seems a fast one, and when I want to write in my journal here, I don’t have the time or it is too late. LOL That is not unusual for me now and then.

Today has been a quiet day to some degree… Not much to say. Been tired. Sorry today is so boring. LOL Have those days too where i don’t have anything to say.

I have after all…decided to write my friend a letter to ask her to stop complaining to me about my other friend. – a copy of the letter (names left out) is included here now.

Mar 24, 2001

I am writing you this letter/note to you to tell you that I felt very uncomfortable of you mentioning (name) sneezing and coughing on you. I wish for your complaining about (name) to stop between you and I because I am keeping friends with both of you. I want to remain friends with you as well as (name), but the complaining in front of me about Janie has to stop right now. I know you don’t care about (name), but if you have a problem with her, go to her directly and take care of your problem between you two and stop involving me. I do feel like a doormat when people do this to me. I am not a doormat for someone to wipe their feet on. I am a person with feelings and problems of my own, too.

Sometimes writing in a journal does not always help, but when the words come across the paper, writing does eventually help. Today is one of those days! I am unsure about writing ,y most intermost feelings. I am not sure if my feelings will come across negatively or positively. My heart, after I have been thinking about something so petty and silly, is feeling somewhat confused. I have been dealing with a little anxiety today. Truly! And overa petty thing. All becausea friend of mine – seven years younger than me is always finding something to complain about. A lot of growing up is needed with this fine young woman. Because of the anxiety on the rise, I am getting fed up with the times I do hear complaints. Now, this petty little thing has nothing to do with me doing something silly or petty – it has something to do with one of my friends. Can you believe it? A friend of mine, seven years younger than me, wants to find something to complain all the time? Does not my friend have happiness in her life? Does she have to make other people miserable or does she have to be so complaining all the time which causes other friendships falter? I say no because finding something to complain all the time makes the person sound very unhappy all the time. Some people do have to find a life – with or without me. I have my own problems and complaints and I don’t need other people stomping on me all the time – using me as a doormat to wipe their feet on. I can only handle so much of one thing at a time now and then. Do I sound negative? Do I sound so horrible and do I sound like a complainer myself? Sometimes I need help, too.

All because of this friend’s pettiness, my other friend has written a letter to this other friend to give to her on Monday, and it sounds like my friend who wrote the letter is defending me as well as being straight to the point. I know now that this confrontation is going to take place on Monday and I am glad it is going to be over with real soon. My friend and I (the one who wrote the letter) are fed up about my friend’s attitude and demeanor and complaints. Fed up completely. I know I can battle through my own problems, but when anxiety raises in my life, there is no defending power left by the time I have gone through the anxiety…really…truly! I know, my other friend, who is going to be recieving this letter, is going to have a major blow up at work on Monday after coming across and reading that letter, but I have no control beyond that…only my friend who has recieved the letter does. Like I said earlier, my friend is seven years younger and does need to grow up a bit. Okay…a lot!

Excuse me for being so straight forward tonight. I have been keeping this inside for a long time since this pettiness has been going on for months now. All because of the pettiness and problem, I have grown closer to my frend (who wrote the letter) and her co-worker friend. I have to thank my friend (who is recieving the letter) on that on. Now I can fully understand why I am feel better being around people older than me and are the motherly type/figures.

I think now that my words are out and shared, I can probably have others relate to me. Who knows. Excuse me for sounding negative in today’s journal entry

Some days are just ordinary for me. Not exactly boring or busy. It has been one of those days today. I had an appointment this afternoon but my appointment is sick today – the lady who was going to see me. I have a potluck to go to tonight so I have something to fall back on so my day is not quite boring exactly. Well – actually I don’t have to go to the potluck, but I feel that canceling out now would be a bad idea. The weather has been nice yesterday and it is the same today, but the potluck is going to be indoors unless plans of being outdoors have changed by the time I get there. My friend Kathy invited me personally last week when she was here working for a neighbor of mine. Since the potluck is tonight I will not cancel at the last minute. Today is just an ordinary day for me. Just plain ordinary day! I can not wait until the summer after my cataract surgeries are over with. My life will be a little different…hopefully. Who knows. I sure don’t know too much of my future. I will write more later if I have something more to say but right now I am heading off somewhere on the Internet and I am out of words now. LOL Me…out of words? That happens! Bye for now.

12:08 p.m.

It has been a quiet hour now and it is time for me to get ready for my day since I am still in my pajamas and being a lazy girl. LOL I am going to get myself ready for my day now, do some reading, and get back to writing in my journal later tonight if I find the time or care to. It is one of those ordinary days for me today…not boring or too busy right now. A nice warm bath will do me justice in a while. I hope.

I got a call from my friend Kathy because she can not make it to bowling today. She sprained one of her ankles yesterday (or over the weekend). I do feel bad that she sprained her ankle, but the attitude she had was a little out of the ordinary (something I can not handle very well). She wants one of her cake pans that happen to be at my house, that she brought over, and now she wants it before tomorrow so she can make a cake. She does not even have a 9″13″ cake pan! Now she is going to call a friend of hers to come get it tonight, and I am not too happy about it. I am very careful about who comes and goes from my place and I don’t want the wrong people hanging around here. Oh, I don’t think Kathy would send someone over here that would later bother me day after day after first visit, but I am not sure of her friend having friends of hers following her about and bothering me. Do you see my point? Knowing that I go in circles sometimes, I probably confused someone here. LOL I hope I didn’t! So I am a little upset right now and had to write about my thoughts and feelings even though I am usually very careful. You have to very careful now a days…that’s for sure! —-1:26 p

As I was reading a journal entry from someone else’s Dear Diary, I was reminded on how horrible this winter seemed to be for me. I am looking forward to winter disappearing once again and Spring come. Spring begins today and I am glad for it, but because it is still March, snow can still fall here. I was fed up with the ice storms when I fell on black ice in late February, and Winter could be gone right that minute. I am looking forward to the warm weather and the days to be out and enjoy it with my friends and neighbors at Teamster Manor here. I am ready for Spring now and glad for its arrival. Who wouldn’t be happy to see the winter weather disappear…the coldness and such? It was horrible this winter in Wiaconsin. Glad it is going away for another year this winter weather! SMILE. I am definitely thinking of Spring but I don’t care for the thunderstorms in Spring, Summer, and early Fall either. I don’t like the snow, cold, and ice of winter, and the storms of warmer weather. What next?

Yesterday I was planning on getting on line to write in my journal here but time just escaped me and when I had an opportunity to do so, I was just too bummed to bother writing in my journal at all. I am doing fine emotionally…just was busy yesterday on the 19th. Today is yet a busy day but not like yesterday at all really. Yesterday I was gone for six hours or more. When I got home, boy – was I was ever glad to be home. My computer was not really busy yesterday at all. Hardly had a chance to get on line or even on my computer to write period! Today I have limited time until later this early evening.

I don’t know when I will get back to writing those chapters of my illness and transplant because I am in a very busy week. Maybe Thursday I will get back to the chapters but I am not even sure that day will be it yet. I had to, silly me, put my virtual dog in the kennel for two weeks because I am not even sure if I would be able ot get to her for a while, and if I leave her unattended…she will jump out the window and run away or die. Can’t do that.,..can I? Nope.

Even this late morning – 11:06 a.m., I have decided to drop everything on the television and reading to be on line for a while before taking care of myself like getting out of my pajamas and getting dressed…even a bath might be in order. The only thing I will not drop is the attention to my cat Emilee. Can’t drop her attention I tell you…she gets a little pushy now and then and I don’t want her mad at me. LOL She gets aggressive when she gets mad and I have cat claw marks to prove it on my hand. She is a very different cat.

Yesterday, March 19th, I was gone with my second surrogate Mom named Karen from late morning til 5 p.m.. Had fun walking around shopping and dining out. After her daughter Darlene got off of work, we picked her up to go shopping for clothes. That was fun, fast, and easy to do. LOL Being with Darlene and Karen is a lot of fun when we have the opportunity. Darlene is a great person. When I got home from out, I visited my first surroagate Mom and dropped off her “love gift” I found at a Crafter’s Mall. Then I went to see my Nana Lea (surrogate grandma) and dropped off her “love gift” as well. I finally got home at 6 p.m. and made a couple of calls to friends who called me while I was gone. I had a busy day all day long.

Get this. I had fun shopping and walking about yesterday, but I am not much for shopping. Can anyone understand that? Never was even as a teenager. I wasn’t much for going out even to the mall in our city here to go to the movies unless it was with family or a very close dear friend. Never understood why that was the case, but now at age 30, I can understand why it happened that way. I was always quiet and reserved and kept to myself all the time. I felt better being alone. Today, I do both…still prefer to be alone more than doing things with friends unless the friend is a close friend or a family member. Never understood that. Oh well…not going to find an answer to the situation if one does not come up in a short time. I have to let it ride and play its way through. Maybe I am in the stage of finding things out and figuring things out. I will have to see where things go from here from now on and play it slowly…not too fast or I will be in a state of confusion – if I am already not confused! LOL Gotta run now. Have a good day and I am glad that I wrote my feelings down today. hmmm? Bye…til tomorrow or whenever.

It is only going on noon here and my day is already been busy. Got up kinda late today. LOL – that isn’t new to me lately. Sleeping in late! Going to be busy all day long.

As i dealing through my illness thirteen years ago I had a lot of What If’s, Should Have’s, and Could Have’s on my thoughts, but the main one was What If. The one question raised on my mind often while dealing with my illness. “What if I died?” That was a scary question because I would not have known what would have happened after I died because I would not been able to see. “What would my parents and family do without me?” Questions like that raised in my mind constantly. It was horrible for a seventeen year old to think when her life was only yet young – not yet a grown up in the adult world just yet. Honestly questions did rise in my mind a lot and during my illness lots of questions arose and I never shared those thoughts with anyone – not even my closest friends and family members.