Working On It…

I do have to admit that it is tough for me to forget some things and those “some” things is being hurt emotionally so badly that trust has been pushed aside or lost for good.  I have really done it this time yesterday bringing up something to my dad’s wife SGK when I should have kept it quiet or secret after all these years and NEVER brought it up.  What happened years ago between certain family in PA was never told to my parents in AR because I knew for a fact they did not really happen and if I told anyone about what really happened I would be deemed a liar and the PA family would be deemed telling the truth.  What has been brought up in conversation the other day that was text to my dad’s wife was not understood by her and she was confused.  She told me that they do not even mention anything anymore about what happened to her is because it is in the past and I was told that I was having trouble letting go of the past.  If only my AR parents knew the real truth and believed me for once that I was emotionally hurt enough that it is unforgettable and practically unforgivable.  I just know for a fact that my AR parents are going to be sorry one day when things do come to light and I have been telling the truth all this time and couldn’t say anything because I was told not to or there will be problems.  I felt like it was a threat more so than anything as well as a promise, and that is why I have not said anything.  Now that I have, I am still an outsider looking in…the black sheep of the family all because of something I am not to my AR parents…a person who was born imperfect.

No Wonder I Write Better Than I Talk

Today has ended in such an emotional whirlwind in my book I call life.  I never can talk as well as I write.  No wonder I write better than I talk.   I get nervous to the point words just get mixed up and the meaning of my words get all jumbled up when I talk but when I write, I find it so much easier to do.  I am not harboring any ill will towards people in my right mind but I have been hurt by people for many years that emotions come and go as memories of being hurt are being brought up from time to time from the back burner of my mind and memories.  I am feeling that some family members in my life are insensitive and unsupportive, and they deem me some kind of liar or teller of half truths.  I now know I will find myself unable to sleep well tonight and will probably have dreams that will show me as an outsider looking in.  Those dreams do not make me feel very comfortable or very good.  I am feeling like a child that has not amounted to the standards of how the parents want me to be except for one parent who happens to be my mother.  I know it is sad.  I am saddened that people just will not hear me without being so critical of what I am saying.

Sometimes I Have to Allow Words to Speak for Themselves

I am feeling okay.  Yesterday I could only give a small update on my appointment in Madison.  I am  seeing, along with the doctor(s) on my transplant team that my transplanted kidney is beginning to shut down due to a kidney disease called Glomerulonephritis.  I have called it something else because it seemed easier.  Now I have to think about dialysis again as well as another kidney transplant.  God is in control of everything and I am letting Him have control.  He says what goes will go His way as long as I follow Him and let Him guide me through all trials like I have done so in the past 28 1/2 years since my first transplant.

Am I upset?  No, I am not upset at all.  I am a little disappointed to the point that my transplanted kidney is not going to make it to 30 years but I do pray God for allowing my transplanted kidney to go as far as it has gone to what it is today.  I have to think about dialysis now and having another transplant in the near future.  God is in control here and I am going to continue to allow Him to have this control.  He is my best friend today and always.  I have gotten this far and I will continue to fight this battle with my health as far as it goes and I will NOT give up on God now or myself.  I even promised a former middle school teacher Mr. R I would not give up either.  Mr. R has Parkinson’s disease and is not communicating at all now.  He told me, when he was still able to communicate he would not give up, either.  I am okay with what is happening in my life right now.  My transplanted kidney has gotten a lot of mileage in the past 28 1/2 years.

Appointment in Madison

My appointment went fine but not the way I expected it to because of the fact that my creatinine level was up to 2.89.  I guess I can now admit that my transplanted kidney is beginning to shut down after 28 1/2 and my kidney will not reach 30 years as hoped.  God has other plans for me at this time unless God turns things around for me.

I will write more about my kidney update another time.  This is just a little information I can give at this time.

My Final Thoughts On the JonBenet Ramsey Case

Okay, I am still not convinced of the family’s involvement in the murder of JonBenet but since DNA s has ruled the Ramsey family of murdering the 6 year old, DNA does not lie.  DNA testing is what it is today because of someone’s ability and creation of DNA testing.  Who murdered JonBenet?  Was it a crazed pedophile of young children or someone who was jealous of the little beauty queen?  I know that pageants can attract all kinds of people – strange or not – pedophiles especially.  I wonder if it was a crazed pedophile.  My heart does go out to the Ramsey family and on September 19th I will watch part 3 of Dr. Phil’s exclusive talk with Burke Ramsey who is now almost 30 years old and JonBenet would have been almost 27 years old now – 26 years of age today if she was still alive.

I do admit that the idea of putting your young child in pageants is not a wise idea.  It can attract all sorts of people and the wrong kind of people along with it.  Some pageants like JonBenet was in can be a station of pedophiles.  I think that Patsy Ramsey was living her dreams through her daughter even though JonBenet may have wanted to be a beauty queen in pageants herself.  I have watched Toddlers and Tiaras a couple of times before being shut off by how the children are dressed and flaunting on stages – flaunting by dancing and singing – showing off their talents. I do not think pageants are made for children and teenagers.  I actually do not remember when the last time I was Miss USA pageants on television now because it has been a few years.  I quit watching them because becoming a public figure and put in danger of someone’s jealousy and harm.  With all this said I still have an achy heart for the Ramsey family – guilty or not to some people.  Even though DNA ruled the Ramsey family out after all these years, John and Patsy have been in the public eye told they were involved, and Burke is now coming forward to tell his side of the story on the Dr. Phil show.  My thoughts about JonBenet’s murder may be harsh but I do have feelings, too.  I have made assumptions the past three days now myself because I have been watching TV shows about the Ramsey family.  When John Ramsey told Dr. Phil that this is his last interview about the case, I hope people can leave John and Burke alone.  In the minds of many they are still guilty and in the mind of others they are not guilty.  It does need to stop and stop now.  The more the case remains open or supposedly new or missed evidence is found or comes up the case will never be at rest and JonBenet and Patsy Ramsey will not rest comfortably until Jesus’ second coming to bring God’s people home with him.  John and Burke will always be under the telescope to be looked at for the rest of their lives.  Let the family rest now since DNA has proved their innocence in the murder of JonBenet.

Another Early Afternoon Thoughts of the Day

Okay, I know i just wrote my last early afternoon thoughts of the day about an hour ago, but more thoughts have come and gone from my mind in the past hour.  I am being very serious about it and honestly I have come to another thought about the JonBenet Ramsey case that happened twenty years ago.  Even though I have written my thoughts and feelings about what really happened while listening to the television programming I had recorded yesterday I do believe that this case now has to be laid to rest and be closed.  Whether or not the family are JonBenet’s killers.  Patsy Ramsey has died from her cancer returning back in 2006 (ten years after her daughter’s horrible murder).  I know that this week will continue with more televised program (undoubtedly recorded to watch at another time here in my home) until tomorrow night.  Whatever the evidence has been found or is still questionable.  I just think that JonBenet’s true killer will not come forward now or has probably passed away since 1997.  If this 6 year old child was murdered by her own parents or brother I have a strong feeling that the father and brother will goes to their graves knowing the exact truth and not come forward.  The mother has been gone now for ten years now and she is probably the killer.  It is believed that with all the investigating, the weaponry that has not been found or recovered, the letter written on paper in the Ramsey home in Boulder, Colorado and one of their pens was also used to write the letter that was supposedly the ransom note.  The note itself was an odd one along with it to be very honest here.  It was written, with errors in spelling, and was sloppy written.  I believe the mother went to her grave knowing the truth and there was a cover up.  Let JonBenet rest now.  Will we be revisiting this once again 5 years from now after 25 years?  That’s a big possibility because some people will not let it rest until the truth is found.  I call that a frenzy.  I do understand that the Martha Moxley took thirty years to get the truth but the killer is now in jail where he belongs.  I believe the JonBenet Ramsey case is exactly like that but I believe the case will be revisited five years from now.  Anyway, despite the outcome of the JR case, I will pray for everyone involved or have been involved and are now gone.

Early Afternoon Thoughts For the Day

Earlier this morning, before 8:30 AM, I was not sure if I would be back to my journaling because of the rainy, wet, with some thunder in the distance and getting a little bit closer for a while but here I am back into the swing of things.  It is not as wet as it was a while ago…a little wet grass right now but the parking lot is pretty dry now with its normal remnants of puddles here and there in the cracks weather has made throughout the past year since our parking lot has been resurfaced with tar.  It needs to be done again because so many vehicles and waste management trucks come and go on the pavement.

My Thoughts On the JonBenet Programming Happening Right Now This Week

I have had breakfast and have been watching recorded TV programming all morning and now.  I have also did some indoor exercising most of the morning.  Now it’s afternoon (before 3 PM).  Although I have two episodes yet to watch I have been watching programs about the JonBenet Ramsey case that happened almost 20 years ago now.  I have watched episode 1 of 3 this morning on my cable’s TV channel ION and have been listening to Dateline NBC’s 2-hour episode titled “Who Killed JonBenet?” My feeling about what happened is definitely mixed just as much as when what happened almost twenty years ago (December 1996).  Were John and Patsy (even Burke) really involved with JonBenet’s death?  I know that Patsy Ramsey is no longer alive, John and Burke are still with us.  I believe Burke knows more than what the family has let on even after all these years and family members have been protecting one another.  It sounds like a cover up to me because there was only 3 family members in the house after they got back from Christmas with friends.  I believe one of the family members – John, Patsy, or Burke – had killed JonBenet.  This is where I am a little bit confused and have mixed feelings.  JonBenet was sexually assaulted.  The ransom note was written on paper that was in the home and one of their pens were used, and items that were used were made into weapons from the Ramsey home.  My heart goes out to everyone who has investigated this case all these years, whether or not the Ramsey’s killed JonBenet themselves or she was really a kidnapped victim that went awry.  Apparently, according to Dateline NBC Ramsey family was exonerated from killing JonBenet by DNA evidence.  Someone killed JonBenet and that someone needs to pay for what he has done.  Is JonBenet’s killer even still alive if her family has been exonerated from her horrible death?  This kind of scares me.

Along with watching the 1st episode of 3 episodes of the JonBenet Ramsey case, Dateline NBC’s 2-hour Monday night program, and have watched part one of two parts on Dr. Phil, I have my misgivings about what really happened.  My heart is feeling an understanding of finding out the truth of what really happened to JonBenet Ramsey in 1996.  What really happened?  Is this case definitely worth trying to find the killer after all these years now?  Did the Ramsey family really kill their child?  What really happened?  There are answers out there somewhere.  There’s been a lot of speculation and definitely a lot of questions are still being raised.  I will be listening to or watching part two of Dr. Phil’s TV show.  I personally believe that the case is now officially done and will remain a mystery forever.

Morning Thoughts on Tuesday

Good morning.  I am doing okay.  I just do not like thunderstorms much and we are having one this morning.  This is something I do not like waking up to around 6:30 AM – 7:15 AM because it just does not bring the best out of me in the morning.  I am doing fine right now and praying/hoping that the storm does not cut off our electricity and damage any of my neighbors televisions or even mine.  I am feeling I am taking a risk at being on my computer while it is plugged into the charger because I found my laptop battery pretty dead this morning and I am charging the laptop now along with my Fitbit battery since it was running low as well.  I know God will take care of me, Bing Crosby the cat, and my worker RK today as well as her family and  friends.

Due to the fact we are having a wet and rainy morning here in good ol’ Wisconsin I am going to probably just have this entry recorded for the day.  God might have other plans for my day outside my computer today and He has already has something planned for me this evening so I will be away from my computer for a while tonight anyway.  Tonight is the first night of evangelistic meetings at all three SDA churches – Beloit, Janesville, and Delavan, and this gal is going to go.  I am excited.  The title of the evangelistic series of meeting is “Unlocking Revelation”. Yes, I attended the same series of meetings last September and October when Elder JF did the series and I attended every meeting scheduled.  I may not make it to every evangelistic meeting this year due to CV’s recent health issue attack arcadia that flares up from time to time but I am hoping to make it to most of the meetings for the three to four weeks.  I am excited.

As for the rest of my day, before the evangelistic series “Unlocking Revelation” I am going to have my shower gal here by 8:30 AM to 9:30 AM, get dressed for the day and evening, get ready things ready for the meetings, do some reading and watching TV (as long as the thunderstorm does not take out the electricity in the building for a while).  Reading I can do if we have an electricity outage because of the storm. Ever since the day after RM passed away and we had that lightening hit the antenna on the building’s roof I have to admit that I am a little leery about having anything plugged in.  I do a lot of praying then of course because I do leave my TV plugged in all the time in a surge protector.

I have to go for now.  RK is not here yet but will be here shortly even though it is 8:30 AM right this minute.  I hope everyone has a good day … even me, myself, and I.  I will write later if I can.

My Monday Life

Days have escaped me to some extent and here it is already the 12th of September.  Although some people work on the weekends I have always considered Sunday the first day of the week and Monday the first day of the work week since I have gone to school from childhood through my senior year.  Anyway, today, for Monday, I have to admit that today was not a bad day – not at all.

Since now we do not have an observed holiday until Thanksgiving now I am glad to be back on my regular schedule with IDS and my DSP (Direct Support Professional) DB today.  Grocery shopping, cleaning, and laundry then the rest of the afternoon is all mine.  Not a bad day or a bad start anyway.  I do have to admit that I thought that DB was not happy with me or something so when we got back to my place and I mustered up the courage to ask her if she was mad at me and she said “no” even though her tone of voice told me something else.  I was not my chatty self or able to talk much. DB seemed to be in such a hurry with everything and I mean everything even though she did not skip a step or skip a beat.  I found her a little odd today…okay very odd.  I was afraid of her today – a little afraid.  I just found her actions and behavior odd today.  I hope things are better Thursday.

I watched Law & Order for a while today on the ION channel (cable), read a chapter or two of The Judas Chronicles.  I am now in the third book of the series and this book as eighteen chapters.  It has been a very good book despite the swear words in it which are seen but not used.  I use kinder words when swearing comes in.

It is going on 8 PM here in good ol’ Wisconsin and my shower gal RK comes Tuesdays – Thursdays at 8:30 AM to 9:30 AM and I do not like to have less than 6 hours of sleep during those days.  If I get only 5 to 6 hours of sleep during the those three days I find it hard to function all day without feeling blah by the noon hour.  Anyway, tomorrow evening starts the evangelistic meetings at the three SDA churches – Beloit, Janesville, and Delavan.  GM will be doing the evangelistic series in Beloit, Pastor Van will be doing the same evangelistic meetings in Janesville, while a man GS will be doing the same in Delavan.  I will go to the Janesville SDA church during the series whenever I can.  It depends on how CV is feeling as she has attack arcadia issues from time to time.  I am going to take my medication and head to bed here before 8:30 PM tonight so I am going to say good night and God bless.  My TV is recording TV programs I want to watch later.  Good night and God bless.

Remembering 9/11/01

It has been fifteen years since the twin towers called the World Trade Center have collapsed because of two planes hit the twin towers at full force under command of terrorists who wanted to rock the entire nation with fear and power.  Killing so many people in the towers and on the planes as killing some of those on the ground rescuing the trapped people in the towers has definitely rocked the nation.  I could not even fathom someone being that evil to kill so many people at one time just to show that others do not like our country, our America.  Even though I remember watching the first plane hit the World Trade Center on the news that was airing the happenings in New York  City I could not stay home all day due to the fact that I had an appointment at 10 AM.  I had to go on with my business, with my life, my day.  My appointment was down the street from my apartment and it won’t take me long to get there and back home.

After my appointment, leaving the building, I heard vehicle radios on the news about the planes hitting the twin towers.  Before I left I saw the first plane hit one of the towers and I did think it was just a freak accident of a plane losing control but after my appointment i heard of a second plane hitting the other twin tower of the World Trade Center.  My heart could not believe it.  I did not want to believe it.  I still had to go one with my day.  A friend and neighbor of the building picked up from my appointment and we went to lunch at our neighborhood to have time together.  My friend’s car radio was on the news about the terrorist attack to the towers killing a lot of people.  I believe that nothing else was on the minds of the people in my life that day, week, and now after fifteen years, it is still being talked about every September.

Even this event that happened fifteen years ago and it was a very tragic, horrible, and painful event that rocked the nation, we are all moving forward in our lives one way or another.  My heart goes out to the loved ones who have lost family members and friends that day on 9/11/01 and I will not stop praying for everyone nor will I forget what happened that day in my own life.  I believe that this terrorist attack has taken more than lives that one day.  I am sad.  I am reminded every year at this time and day what happened and I still want answers to such evil minds.  This day fifteen years ago has taken a part of me that will never be found again.