The Same Thought Yesterday and Tonight’s Plans

I am having a good day.  At least I can say I am having a fairly good day.  I am still not very happy about a piece of conversation I had with my IDS caseworker MM yesterday but I will get past the unhappiness of that discussion sooner or later.  I am still a little frustrated about it right now.  I guess I can say I have a little issue with holding grudges a little bit.  Some rules just do not always seem fair.

I am going to have my friend and neighbor CD down tonight to watch Netflix and order from a place called Marcos Pizza tonight,  I have ordered from there a couple of times already and like their chicken dippers, beef and cheese Bruno sub sandwich, and their cheesy bread sticks.  They have salads and I think I am going for a salad tonight.  After CD leaves,, I will do other things before retiring for the night.

My Thoughts and Honoring My Grandpa

Life at my household went on what it usually does on a Friday.  I had spoken to MM, my worker at IDS a little after 1 pm today and part of the conversation did not please me too much.  I just wish that I could be on my phone or computer while my worker MJ is here cooking.  I am still here to answer questions and talk to her but it seems that there are rules there, too, that I have to follow and abide.  I will follow the rules.  I just find it unfair sometimes is all.  I cannot argue with MM about some stuff because I will not win.  I will be understood but I have to abide by the rules that IDS has for the clients to follow.  I am in a whirlwind of thought about this and not feeling very comfortable about it is all.  I should be able to refrain myself from my laptop and phone for a couple of hours or so but it is kind of hard to do.  Now that I have ROKU and can watch Netflix on my TV, I guess I can do that from now on Thursdays for a couple of hours or how long it takes to cook my meals for the week. Right now I am not too happy about it and unhappy and a little upset because MJ told MM that I was on my phone while she was there cooking once again.  MM wants me to refrain from being on my laptop and phone during the time my workers are here from IDS. I am just not too happy with the idea that MJ told MM but I am glad she didn’t lie about it.

Today I am going to honor a man who happened to be my mother’s Dad Clarence Valentine Fox.  He was my grandpa for thirty-three years before he passed away.  Grandpa Clarence was an educator, mentor, and truant officer in his day.  He was respected in the Janesville School System by many who knew him and later became my teachers before they too retired from teaching.  My grandfather would be 102 years old today if he lived but he died on February 16, 2003 at the age of 90 about 5 months before 91st birthday.  His wife, my grandma Myra Irene Fox died in 1997 on October 1st one day short of her 78th birthday of congestive heart failure.  When she died, Grandpa knew her but didn’t know her like he used to because his memory was failing him and he suffered from memory issues for the rest of his life until 2003.  He lived at St. Mary’s Nursing home like his mother did before she passed away for a couple of years or so and then was transferred to a nursing home in New Mexico so my mother, his daughter, could get him the best care possible during the years of 1999 – 2003.  I visited him while he was in New Mexico but there was a time I did not feel comfortable seeing my grandfather in the state of mind he was in – forgetful and in his own world.  I decided to wise up and battle my fear of seeing my grandpa in this forgetful state of mind because one day I will never see him again.  I have found visiting my grandpa was therapy for me as well as rewarding and peaceful.  I have learned we can not doubt a man or woman in their forgetful stage of mind because they can be lucid and sharp in areas we may not understand.  This man, my grandpa, was an educator!  When I was struggling with math in my elementary school years of 4th and 5th grade and he took his time on the weekends and during the weeks in the summer to help understand mathematics better.  I struggled with fractions mostly and still do to some point but with Grandpa’s knowledge and remembering what he taught me has helped me a great deal in life.  When I was doing algebra in my last two years in high school and some in college, I helped him understand the mathematics of algebra because in his day, being born in 1912, algebra was not introduced until later in his life during the days of his teaching career and he was a coach, truant officer, mentor, and educator in his prime.

Happy birthday, Grandpa Clarence!  Even though you are no longer with us, I remember your birthday and today I remember many of the things you taught me through life before you passed away.  Knowing a great educator as you were to me and many other people, I am always going to be proud of being your granddaughter.  Now that you are gone physically from God’s creation we will meet one another in heaven and embrace on another with open arms and happiness once again.  You are greatly missed in my heart, and I will always live you.  I do know that I was one typical teenager in my day and an adult who needed to grow up more before now but I have gotten to know the Lord more and know why I am here today.  I will never stop smiling!!

July 17

My parents left this morning at 8 am and my heart is a little sad but I am glad they are heading home from their travels since Mom retired from teaching at the end of the school year.  It was nice seeing them again this year.  The surprise is still looming large in my mind this day, I feel at ease.  I just wish that the could have stayed a little longer to meet one of my IDS workers but they came in and said their goodbyes and I got my kisses from Raven pup before they walked out of my door to wait for another visit another time.  I am sitting here waiting for my IDS worker MJ to arrive to make meals for the week.

My Time With My Parents on July 16th

Today could not have gone any more perfect than it did because I spent the day with my mom and Raven pup, and Papa after my shower.  It was an awesome day!  I am ok with the idea of them heading home to New Mexico now – tonight – than I was when they first arrived here last night.  We went to Wal-Mart, Fazoli’s, Eagle Inn, and spent the day together after my 1015 – 1130 am shower person came and left.  Time was well spent with my parents.  The idea of them heading home is definitely something I am ok with but to be honest here, I have mixed feelings about them leaving so soon.

While we were relaxing and enjoying each other’s time, Papa helped me take care of some business on the phone with a couple of things, got my ROKU system set up so I can watch Netflix on TV and not just on my computer.  Mom and Papa got my a ROKU for Christmas 2013.  Also Papa put together my new manager desk chair together and my Sit-N-Cycle.  I feel, since he helped me with some stuff around the house/apartment, I also asked him if he would not mind if he took a computer of laptops off my shoulders and fix them up and keep them for himself or sell them.  That was not a problem.  Since I have my Macbook Air laptop, why should I have two other computers?  I felt that it was worth the time well spent and Papa was willing to help me out.  Maybe Papa will sell the computers and I will get the proceeds from the sell.  I also gave him my first Kindle that I had gotten for my first Christmas present from both of them.

The idea of them leaving in the morning still gives me mixed feelings.  Having my parents here, not just to help me out and do things for me, is always fun.  They were here last year around the same time.  It was a wonderful surprise and I will not forget this in my right mind.

 

A Whopper of a Surprise

My day is going on normal as it usually does on a Tuesday that does not have any appointments.  I always relax and get comfortable on days I do not have anything planned.  I heard from my mom on the phone on Sunday and they told me that they were in South Dakota.  I have enjoyed the pictures so far and hearing from them when possible while they are traveling.  Mom told me, Sunday, that she and Lon (Papa) will be home in New Mexico next weekend or close to it.

Anyway…

I get a knock on my door and I answered “who is it?” and the gentleman on the other side said “UPS”.  I said “OK, come in.”  The next thing I know is the UPS said he was going to leave the package on the floor and I said ok.  The next thing I knew was a dog running into my apartment in circles from living room back to the door.  I did not put the fact that the dog was Raven, my sister pup, and my parents visiting me until Lon (papa) started laughing.  My parents decided to surprise me and visit for a couple of days.  This all happened around 7 pm tonight.  I was definitely surprised!  That is why Mom and Papa were chuckling (laughing) the way they were.  My face was priceless and this time I did not have any warning or knowledge of their plan.  I did not know that they were already in Wisconsin!!

At least for this week, this is my Tuesday.

Nothing Too Special

Today is the day I turn 44 years old.  Yep.  I do not feel any different yet.  It is just a number.  I am not much for birthday parties anymore.  I do not mind not celebrating my birthday anymore anyway.  Acknowledging is all that is needed.  Anyway, there is a potluck this afternoon at 1 pm.  I have a busy day today before the potluck.  I have my shower gal here from 830 am to 945 am, then MJ comes to cook my weekly meals and for the potluck we are making banana nut muffins.  I do have to admit that, today, I have mixed feelings about going but then I believe I am dealing with some depression and I just do not want to be around people or both.  I have no other plans for my birthday otherwise so I am going to ‘suck it up’ as people say and enjoy my day as best I can.  I believe I am going through some depression.

Time For Myself Now

 I have time for myself now.  My shower was taken and I am dressed for the day.  I am wearing a red, white, and blue top with my favorite shorts that I got from my $700 shopping spree at Wal-Mart last month.  I have an hour before I have to get across the hall.  I can say that I am a little excited that is enough to get me out of the house for awhile for the early and mid-afternoon day.

After the Potluck

 The potluck was still going on at 2 pm when I left.  I had to leave because I was feeling a little overwhelmed. Since I have gone to the potluck – my presence known for an hour – visited with the tenants/neighbors for a while, I decided to take time for myself.  Since it is my birthday and I am 44 years old, it was time for me to get on Facebook.  I have been watching the newsfeed and seeing the birthday wishes come and go and I did not want to miss anyone and thank them.

Birthday Plans

I have no major birthday plans.  No party or anything.  No need to have one and definitely old enough not to worry about birthday parties.  Going to the potluck and making myself known for a while, and being others was a party in itself even though the potluck was for the acknowledgment of the 4th of July.  Even though it was for the 4th of July, I was able to go first in line after the cooks and the tenants who set up the potluck.  It was nice to be recognized.  Otherwise no birthday plans for this gal.

 

Wondering

One more day before I am 44 years old.  Wow!!!  At this time I do not feel any older just thinking about it.  Tomorrow is the day.  No party or anything.  I have gotten past that now at my age.  I am looking forward to the potluck we are having tomorrow or am I just pretending to be looking forward to it?  We shall wait and see when tomorrow finally gets here.

My Whirlwind of Thought Today

June is gone and July is now upon us.  I have been counting the days to the day I turn 44 years old.  I have two days left before I am 44 years old.  No birthday party planned but there happens to be a potluck at Burbank Plaza Apartment Complex on the 3rd for celebration of the 4th of the July – America’s birthday.  I have signed up for the potluck so I am going.  I am going to take banana nut muffins.  I have a feeling that they will not go over very well but I have at least one person who is interested in having one.

I do not feel that I am the social type like I once was so long ago.  I believe it is because of the fact that trusting people has diminished to practically not trusting anyone except for those who portray true Christian attitudes.  I have not become a hermit or anything but I do not go out of my way to visit neighbors like I did when I first moved to Burbank Plaza Apartment Complex when it was Teamster Manor Apartment Complex in March 1998.  The tenants here, including myself, have their own cliques or groups.  I used to have a neighbor/friend come down every Friday night but things have changed so now I spend Friday nights alone most of the time now and that is fine with me.  I am not very social now-a-days.  I do not like to be bothered.

As I sit and think about the start of my summer, it has been founded that I have not written much lately.  I have been either very busy or have a cat in my lap most of the time.  Bing Crosby the cat loves my lap and I do not like it when he walks across my laptop keyboard.  Either I have a laptop on my lap or cat that loves to lie on my lap and sleep.  I enjoy my time with Bing, too and love him dearly.

I did talk to my friend DZ about the feeling I have been having with RS.  I do not like the idea of her talking about her future six months down the road because it sounds like she is bragging but DZ set me straight that she is just fired up about stuff.  DZ also told me to do what I had to do for myself and do what I can do for me.  Everyone has their own level.  I am just one person who can think from one day to another and cannot think of the future too far ahead.  Yet, I wish that RS would stop acting two-faced and that is exactly what she does lately!!  She has made people unhappy at Burbank Plaza Apartment Complex.  Ever since RS and I do not see eye to eye about what happened here a couple of months ago and before that and I won’t sit on the same side as her, RS has become more distant and depressed.  She is making herself sick.  While she is making herself sick,  I have realized at my counseling appointment today that she is one of my major stresses!  So having RS down at my apartment right now is not a good idea.  That is why I have decided that from now on that my door will be locked and the lights off in my apartment and after a certain time I will not answer my door.

June 29th

It does not seem that I had the weekend to myself as I had planned.  I do not mind my shower gals coming to keep me company as well as clean for the day and night but the fact that having other company was not in the plans this weekend but it was what it was this weekend when RS came down yesterday evening and tonight with her Sport pup and I ended up having company for a couple of hours or so.  I know what it is like to feel lonely and need to be with someone you can trust but trusting RS entirely right now really is a question mark reality for me since her views are different from my views and she is thinking six months down the road when I can only think one day at a time or my world can spin out of control and I can not find control for a while.  I am not RS because I am KK.  I can not be someone I am not or am I like someone else. No one is going to change me except what I need to change for myself.  I do not like to be pressured!  So… my weekend … was not just my own!  I wanted time for myself and I did not quite get it as planned!

I have been feeling the pressures from RS lately and I now I am feeling rather put off by some things regarding her now more than ever.  Her moods are not abnormal but a lot like mine but I will not be pressured into something I do not feel comfortable about or in.  What part of my space pertains to me is my space and I can allow and will allow.  I am feeling, like school age kids and children, the pressures of peer pressure.  Even adults feel peer pressure and that is no fun whatsoever.  It actually nerves me up a bit and now I wonder why I have problems with relationships in my life and circles, and I just want to stick close to myself.  Having a group of friends invites trouble and having a couple of friends who live in the same building as you do is not the greatest either.  Life with God in your life is something when nothing is without God in your life.