I cannot believe that it is the 15th of December already! We have ten days before Christmas now and it feels that this month is going by very fast. My world is evolving no matter what I do or plan and it feels weird. I had a great time Saturday night at a church member’s home. I had fun seeing other church members, watching the kids come and go with excitement and entertaining one another. It was a fine and fairly busy weekend!
I did feel I did not want to anywhere this morning but once I got out and at the grocery store, I was feeling a little better. I do not know what has been going on around here but in my world I have felt some dread, disappointment, the feeling of people being upset with me for some reason or another for the past few days. Depression has played its ugliness lately. I will step out of this soon as this is just a road block that needs to be removed but not forcibly. This road block needs to be taken care of with caring hands and taken away with understanding and slowness. It has been a rough several days but I know that the depression and road block will go away and I can continue on with my journey of life the way it is meant to be. Depression stinks and it is no fun but I cannot outrun it when it comes and goes.
I have learned, a few years ago, from a psychiatrist I no longer see, that I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I have taken this claim with a heart of understanding that it can be treated but may never leave me alone at times. I have found that during the winter months, when it gets cold or colder and the sun seems to sleep more, I struggle with depression and its affects more often than I do in the Spring, Summer, and Fall months. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel after a darkish day. I will be okay and my world still evolves around me.
Anyway, despite my feeling of dread and depression, I have something to look forward to this week. I get to see my dad and his wife on Wednesday for a while. I am going shopping for new dresser drawer knobs and curtains for my bedroom. Yep, I got the call last week from dad saying that they will be here Wednesday morning and we are going shopping and out to lunch. Woo hoo!
I feeling of dread – a sense of dread today – and I do not want to go anywhere. I have grocery shopping every Monday when it is not a holiday and today is grocery shopping day. I hate days like this because I do not look forward to what is going to happen. This is where Satan does his hardest to attack me and keep me down but I muddle through my day despite how I feel. I dislike the winter/cold months just for this reason. The sun is not out and the weather is colder and yet we do not have any snow except for patches of it from a snowfall we had weeks ago and that was around Thanksgiving. I just do not want to go anywhere or deal with a lot of people today. I will be seeing my parents from Arkansas on Wednesday for a while and lunch and that is something I am looking forward to and wish was here today instead of two days from now. Why do I feel I have a sense of dread! I hate the winter months!
Another day or two, or more has gone by again. That is the way my world goes. It evolves or it does not evolve. My day goes whatever direction it wants to go sometimes. I have a laptop or a cat on my lap now-a-days and when I have a cat on my lap, he always comes first even though I wish I could be writing or surfing the internet at certain times of the day. My day evolves or it does not evolve as planned. From the 10th – the present day, I have been very busy watching TV, having a napping cat on my lap, and I napping, too. I have been making some plans now that the holidays are here but not too many since many friends have other plans. I still have my schedule to follow along with the past couple of days. I just do not do a lot of journaling right now.
Trust issues again. Yes, I have trust issues and all the time they seem to creep up on me by how people act or react around me. I do not want to deal with people here in the building anymore. I’d rather stay home and be alone even though at times I do get lonely. I have friends outside the building.
For some reason I had awakened thinking that it was the 7th of December yesterday and not the 5th or todays date the 6th. I do not like moments of memory lapse like this. It scares me sometimes because I feel I have lost something I cannot find. But now that I realize that it is the 6th today and yesterday was the 5th, I have come to reality again and going on with my day as normal as everyone else in time. I am okay and my memory lapse has been corrected and corrected on its own within minutes. It is just a scary moment or two for me is all I can express and explain. I am too young to have Alzheimer’s and what else comes with memory problems. Thank goodness I am where I need to be once again in my world and the world around me!
I got home before 10 pm tonight and just sat down to relax a bit after taking my evening meds. Tonight’s Christian concert was fabulous and Jennifer LaMountain does have a fantastic voice! Seeing her in person and hearing her sing and hearing her stories of live, has been fantastic. I am up later than usual on a Friday night but I do not have church in the morning. The Pastor and his wife are going to Delavan, Wisconsin tomorrow. I am thinking of staying home this weekend from church on Sunday.
Anyway… I do have to say that I was able to see some people, other SDA church members and friends I have not seen in a very long time like RJ and his wife LJ, GB, LH and her husband GH. I do have to say that there were a lot of people filling one small church tonight. From what I understood in conversation with Pastor and his wife there was almost 100 people. I was impressed and happy to see that it was a very nice turn out for Jennifer LaMountain tonight! I had a great time away from home for a while but home is where the heart is once I return home when I see my blue-eyed boy Bing Crosby kitty.
Now that I am home, complaining inwardly as I listen to my upstairs neighbor making her noise, I have taken off my shoes and brace, clothes for the night, took my nightly medications, and turned on Amazing Facts TV on my ROKU system, and relax with Bing Crosby kitty quite close. On my way to dreamland here! Yay! I am going to say good night and God bless. Yawn!
I am so excited about tonight! I am going to a concert at the Beloit SDA church with our Pastor and his wife. A woman by the name of Jennifer LaMountain is giving a concert and telling part of her story. The concert starts at 7 pm but I will be leaving here at after 5 pm tonight with the Pastor and his wife. I have a feeling this is going to be an awesome evening. I hope it will be a wonderful turnout for her because JM is giving her time for the SDA congregation of Beloit and Janesville, and other surrounding areas interested and those who have heard about it through friends and family. Okay, I am excited and thinking ahead. JM has a wonderful voice! God has given her a wonderful gift.
Time has escaped me yesterday to a point. Time has escaped me, today and I have no excuse for it.
Life today has come after 7 am. Meds taken at 8 am this morning. My shower gal RK will be here at 1015 am and the rest of the day is all mine up to 630 pm. I have Bible study to go to tonight. I do not have to go but I want to go. I enjoy going to Bible study Wednesday nights at Woodland Community Church in Janesville, Wisconsin. Today is going to be a semi-relaxing day minus the fact that I have to pay rent before 2 pm this afternoon, and plan on paying my bills – cable, electricity, phone and internet, and get ready for tomorrow. I always pay my bills by the 6th of the month. I hate to have my bills wait to be paid because then I do not have enough to pay my bills. This is the way I work. Life today is going to be what it will be. More later…
Another day has come and gone! Where is time coming and going? I do not know anymore! I have vowed I will no longer make no more pacts with myself to write daily and just write whenever I can at any given time. I will not wake up in the middle of the night and get online unless I really need to that is one pact I will make with myself. There are nights I do wake up with a thought and the computer is not that far away from me or in another room. That depends on where I am sleeping and I sleep a lot in my recliner when I really should be sleeping in my bedroom in a bed but I do fall asleep in my recliner a lot. That is the fact of my life. My recliner is comfortable at times and not comfortable at other times, lol.
Anyway, for today, it is late and it is time for me to go. My muscles are relaxing and if I continue to move my body in any way my muscles try to contract and jerk from my body trying to combat the feeling of its relaxing state. This can be bothersome, somewhat frustrating, and it is NOT comfortable for me to continue fighting the relaxing state. I find my cerebral palsy contractures very uncomfortable and not fun at all! I will do my best at writing tomorrow since I, again, have a lot to say.