It’s amazing how we grow and yet stay the same. some things we learn is… heh I remember once writing ” Some things learned is wisdom earned” but that was a quote from a younger more idealistic version of someone who thinks too much. I’ve calmed down quite a bit. I guess people are like other mammals in that we dont wake up one day “all grown up” we always and never grow up.

I used to fight. I’d engage if someone was unfair… especially someone in my family. I used to engage chris, let it get to me. Thing is… I’m not the reason that my step mother has a “coming across as harsh” disorder. I can’t call her a bitch… I have come to the conclusion that she isnt a bitch. I might be wrong but it seems way more likely that she had an issue with ” coming across harsh” to people LONG before she met my dad. The unfortunate consequence though is that because she has done and continues to do a lot of learning, reading, and donating of stuff and time… i think she feels that somehow good actions portrray what she *is really like* and thats true… however my peave if i have one… is that 1)she’s really judgemental and 2) she KNOWS that she “comes across harsh” and that if people dont realize that…. they might take it personally

I’ve had a lot of practice the last few years in the ” not taking things personally because people are just who they are and arguing with them makes no sense cause…

well chris blindsided me last night. I spent the day with my friend Jimmy playing music and hanging out. When i got back, chris threw some non relivant comment at me about something my father said YEARS ago… i ASSUMED that he said what he did because my dad maybe brought it back up ? because … i mean its been a dead horse right? why…. and then i somehow managed to hang myself in the misconception of this whole thing to the point that i found myself in a position ive written about before….

Christopher was saying nothing, retreated and i was growing more hyper because i’d been prodded already.

I stopped.

I realized that’s just fucking TEASING, and mean. What he did was not mean on purpose… it was his outburst for being upset about something totally irrelivant. it wasnt about me… and so i didnt let it get in my head.

we snapped at eachother this morning

when he came home for lunch i was glad i hadnt called to reem my dad… my dad didnt bring up whatever it was chris brought up.. CHRIS was the digging up the stuff that he was letting me bury myself in… and why? because he’s used to me being home all the time.

things change when you grow up and kids and stuff. I am out a LOT playing music. it’s what i do now. I dont “hang out” or ” go out” except while working and it IS work. sure… its fun work but i cant just decide id rather stay home. I make a commitment to trade my time and services for money…. like any other job. and its not a rock star life… its just a regular working musician life.

granted that is a very different life then a day job but its still a hell of a lot healthier then ive been since i can remember.

well guess what? I left the house several times in the last month to go hang out with another friend… when i wasnt working ( and to be fair we do play music together also)

I can spend a month and a half working with matthew on a deserted island, iu could talk to burt for 28 hours in a row on the phone… but I do something that isnt expected like CHOSE to leave while im not working… and he turns to eeyore… counting the minutes that he has to wait for me. last time i checked… we dont DO much together… we are able to co habitate BECAUSE of that.

this has been the pre thanksgiving rant

im over it. i have been. it’s just kind of… stupid to go through the tantrums others throw… just to get through life.

Ill have to think about that before i throw my next tantrum