just finished this broadcast!!!!

I miss writing in this diary. It’s been a very roller coaster-esque ride (not in a bi polar way…. more like LIFE IS SHAKIN way) for the last few years, and I feel I have only popped in to say hi, or share a video now and again.

I used to want to write so much. I used to be an avid chronicler, then i got to a point where i scoffed it off and said I’d rather live my life and not write about it…. but… I miss what i got out of this kind of writing. It’s nota poem, or a song… it’s just me babbling.

That is how i process. I say things… all the time. It may take me an hour and a half of babbling from different perspectives to thoroughly process any given thing, situation, or sharpie color. The problem is… I guess i am used to people knowing that i babble to process… they dont take what i say very seriously ( and thats good cause generally I am not trying to make a great philosophical statement, usually i am just processing things that come into one ear, or one eye, or one… whatever…. like a blender as it chops up chunks of ice or frozen fruit… nit picking and making sense of things.

if the concoction is called a smoothie, before it is ready to be drank…. then the person being served will not really understand what a smoothie is.

I used to think i knew who it was safe to babble to. I used to think that expressing myself… was safe.. myself in my own way… without worry that what i say might “seem” to mean something more then it does…

i am not all that complicated. I dont speak in code. I just say whats going on.

when i am afraid that someone is going to be upset with what i have to say, even in babbling i tend to start lining up the eggshells by speaking in more f a code like manner… i dont know why. maybe I guess if i know someone will be upset with me … ( and lets make it a given that it’s not that big of a deal even)

oh lord… do i gotta actually go THERE… into the actual situation that is causing me to come running to this diary to process? I dont want to do that. If the person that i sometimes have communication trouble with were to read this… he would already be angry with me. he would then make a statement that is a general assumption statement…. as if ” so i guess i never do anything nice”… is realistic in a situation where….

that isnt fighting fair… when someone upsets you, and you start saying “obviously you think”… or “I guess i never do anything good”… or ” so you are saying i am a total jerk”….

thats not a fair fight… if i upset you, then lets talk about what upset you, dont dramatize it into the entirety of everything that is our whole relationship. when i have to answer to something like that… i end up moving away from the subject… and then the argument is about what i meant, rather then what actually upset you….

and then i wonder what the argument was really about….

and then i end the entry before i am too afraid to share my feelings in full.

no one who reads this , knows who ” he” is… and to be honest, it doesnt matter cause i dont write this for anyone but me now. there was a time when i knew i was writing for other people… but not right now. I guess i need to just vent,

and the person that i feel like i had been able to vent to, seems to now find fault in my every… moe… eventually.

it isnt the issue itself that upsets him, cause then it wouldnt reoccor… bt the “argument” and the “me asking him whats wrong”
and him having to explain whats wrong…. and me having to try and get him to understand that i didnt actually do anything to make him upset… ( and of course its not black and white, but if i have to ASK why someone is upset with me, then chances are, i dont know what i did)

onward and upward.