Speaking of, Took H to another birthday party yesterday for one of her classmates. There were over 35 kids at Helen’s party so lets figure this one out… If Helen Gets invited to… say 30 parties a year ( yes it really happens) and Zach also gets invited to 30 parties a year. ALL the kids have parties. That is 60 parties during the school year. (about 44 weeks) (during the summer everyone is at camp)(so they go to camp parties too). NOW lets add in the factor that the majority of the people throwing these parties are either conservative or orthodox jews, who observe the shabbat and therefore only have parties on sundays ( and the rest of us have them on sundays so the orthodox kids can come)… thats 60 parties that can only happen on sundays in the time of 44 weeks. There have been days when each child went to two separate parties each, there have been days when z went to one at the same time helen went to another and then helen went to two more in the same day… In fact there was another party on the SAME day as Helen’s party ( at different times) so most of the kids were at their second party of the day by noon.  I am sick of cake, wired children and goody bags. I will however give kudos to the girl (down the block) who donated all her presents to katrina victims… I heard her mom bribed her into doing that by buying her a trampoline.

I started lexapro about ten days ago. I had been feeling a little "blah, and I know it is supposed to take 4 – 6 weeks to work, but i remember what this feels like. I know that for a long time I was on it and I was ok so I am thinking i need to just get used to it in my system but it’s doing what i remember ssri’s kind of do to me… make me feel all numb. Ity’s not that i have a problem doing anything, it’s not a feeling of apathy or dysfunction… but it is very robotic and "stepford  wife" which is what happened with prozac and celexa and zoloft ( other ssri’s. ) This morning i felt like " i dont wanna take my medication" but i forced myself to because that is a really bad thing to give in to. I am proud of myself for keeping it in check and it seems easier to conquer each time. I will be fair and give it a few months (unless it causes some serious side effects like insanity). 

I want to be "right" and I want to be "happy" and i want to be "me". I love me, and I need to believe that I am woprthy, like that picture down there at the bottom of this page. I am worthy of being happy… not because I let myself gain some weight. There I said it. I have been thinking about it almost obsessively. I need to purge this ( not literally) so that I can be honest and let myself heal on the inside so that the outside can take care of itself. Both of the times I lost weight , I was on adderall and it made me not hungry. It made me feel strong and witty, not happy . I have felt happiness without it in a pure way that I cant descroibe and going back is not an option. so I guess the only way yo make myself become who I want to be is to take the matters into my own hands. That doesn’t mean call a dr for more adderall, it means actually do the work i have to do, watch what I eat and excercise. It will help my moods, it will halp my outlook, it will help my body which is connected to it all and it will be hard work… but I really want my brain to build rthat kind of pathway. The kind that gets stronger and stronger as I do it longer and longer. 

I am afraid that I might fail. But I have to do it like i did the back dive into the pool this summer… I have to believe I can do it… like levitation, or getting along with my dad, or dealing with my life one moment at a time even though it’s really really hard. I guessw i am trying to say that even though I am "better" at life, I am not sure if I am any happier.Sure I am for my kids but I wonder about me. And if I truly believe that my destiny is in my own hands then how can I convince myself to truly believe I have enough strength to see it through to pure happiness? The kind thazt wakes me up in the morning excited to be alive… excited to go out into the world…

It’s a very dramatic moment. 
7:53 am. 
It’s a very dramatic moment. 
I have been doing more art lately. Lines. Lots and lots of lines. I started back on Lexapro on thursday. I had an appointment at Adapt and I asked my nurse practitioner if I could go back on it. I had been feeling flat for a while.. for a long while. I wasn’t feeling my zest. Simple things like work were taking forever ( a three hour task each day). Now I am coping better.

Glenn Mitchell died. He was a talk show host on public radio here in dallas. On the station that supports NPR. He was only 55. He died in his sleep on sunday. What I really liked about him was the fact that he was never afraid to say " I don’t know". Every friday from 12-1 he had a show called "questions and answers" where people could call in and ask questions – and other people could call in and give answers. tings like "what is the root of the phrase "put your two sense in" and "there’s this thing on the hill on route 635 that keeps blinking… anyone know what that is?" and "if you have a lot of leftover hangers from stuff you drycleaned what should you do with them?" ( I called in and answered that one. ) anyhow. I will miss him.

"I can beat up the demons until the cows come home… and then I can beat up the cows" -buffy

ten after three. Going soon to pick up my son. Dad and carole are out of town this weekend and I am staying with the kids. in fact it’s been a REALLY busy day! It started with work, then changing th oil in the van, then getting a key and walking suzi’s moms dog, then the chiropractor, then coming here to my dads for a breather ( and a sandwich) then going back out to get my son, stopping at the pharmacy and target, walking the dog again ( together) picking up my daughter and returning here where I will meet chris at 6:30 so I can go home and play violin from 8-9 and then come back here and camp out with them in the tent. (camp out in the den).

But I feel good. well I better get going. 

BGABGAI-Beth

Cause I see the trust in their eyes
Though the sky is falling
They need your love in their lives
Compromise is calling

(chorus)
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?

Father please forgive me for I can not compose
The fear that lives within me
Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose
On the narrow road you’ve carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar

Do they see the fear in my eyes?
Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise
All the doubt I’m feeling

(repeat chorus)

What if I stumble?
Everyone’s got to crawl when you know that
You’re up against a wall, it’s about to fall
Everyone’s got to crawl when you know that (2x)

I hear you whispering my name [you say]
My love for you will never change [never change]

(repeat chorus 2x)

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You are my comfort, and my god

Anyhow.

I aint putting up with whit today. I am in a good mood. Thinking clearly and positively. I am feeling good about the things i have going on right now ( of course that is subject to change at any moment) but I am happy that for the moment it is the way it is.I was talking to joyce, a woman that i work with and she was saying she feelsbetter too. shehad felt lethargic and stuff last week.  It froze last night for the first time this year. I feel a lot better now. my allergies are a little better. I dont feel weighed down mentally today. 

Tonight I am going to the Kinky friedman party. I think it’s gonna be neat. When i called to RSVP this past sunday I asked if there was anything I could bring… "alcohol" said the dry voice of the man on the other end of the phone. I wonder what it is going to be like. I wonder if anyone close to my age will be there. I  invited my friend Lars to come with but i dont know if he is going to come or not.

Wrote a couple of songs for guitar today while i was driving my van route and even though i know i have been using too much time on the cell phone i calledmy friend Nic while i was driving. I am working through… maybe back up… to being able to drive that whole time without having any interaction. I dont mind being alone… I can read etc.. but driving only gives me a few options. I need an ipod I think. Oh lord kick me in the buzumbas for saying that.

My back hurts today so i think i might take a napo this afternoon. I am doing laundry. I feel a little hyper but i know it is from the lifting of the allergies and the cool and crisp air that flowed in. Yesterday the wind was so forceful that it felt like the van was blowing all over the place. Weird thing about driving that is that of course it handles differently depending on the load ( i remember when it was full of water… it was like driving on ice. )

anyhow. 

Imight go to my room and read. I was playing guitar a minute ago but my fingers really hurt from yesterday and i havent played in about two years. Every time i play at this oment i get this pain in my fingers ike a wire pressing on them…. oh yeah that is what it is. heh. Playing violin I am sure prepped me for being able to do this. I feel bad for the dude who doesnt have any experience balancing his fingers on a wire.

 For the record… I kind of understand now why they say violin is the hardest instrument to learn. I used to hear that all the time and explain that nce you understand how to get the notes or sounds you want you becopme fluent in it like it is a language ( yes written music is a language ) but i mean like if i want to play a melody i know where to put my fingers without the music cause i "speak music" iknow what i want to hear and i can play it ( like talking). I am nowhere near fluent in guitar-ese but i see now that it was easier to speak broken guitar-ese then it was to get to the same level of violin. It takes years on violin to just play one note clearly enough to stand it….

I remember the first time i realized that it wasnt just fingers and math on violin but i was making music and i liked it. It took a long time for that to happen. On guitar , yesterday…. it took about ten minutes. I need to invest more time in learning guitar. maybe one day i couldbe kind of good at it. I know I should stick to what i am already good at and ove forward ( violin) but you know… you only get one life… one life to persue the things that you really love and the things that make you feel good. 

On the very first entry of this diary i was saying it was weird to switch to a new diary because i had " invested" so much in the lillyanne diary. But if i hadnt taken the journey into this diary it wouldnt be the justanotherbeth that it became and is to and for me. I cant be afraid to say " i know i have spent a lot of time playing violin butyou know i want to excel at something else" what i have done hasnt wasted my time… its gotten me to a point where i know what i want. I am not saying I am going to throw the violin out the window ( contemplates that idea) but I dont … I wont make myself feel guilty for wanting to do more guitar work. who knows. maybe i’ll be a famous guitarist after i am dead. woo hoo.

I am gonna go look up some stuff and maybe read, watch an episode of buffy or something maybe go to second life. I am having SL burnout and If i dont take it seriously and act with care i will just get annoyed with it and leave so in orde3r to save something good and fun i am laying off the time severity for a while. an hour or two a dayis plenty. dont need 6. 

Last night I lingered at my dads after he got home and we played Music together. I need to stop at the music store on my way home and get a book of simple guitar chords. no i dont need to do that on the way home. Today i need to just come home! I need to spend time reading about Kinky and watch some buffy and maybe go into second life. Havent been doing that as much lately. It feels good. I was way too cought up in that… it took a lot out of me. Not saying i wont play at all… just not compulsively. Addiction feeds the monster.

gotta go get dressed so I can work for DA MAN.

On the Kinky Frieman Home page WWW.kinkyfriedman.com I found some "stuff" that I have been meaning to put in here. This is "stuff" that i learned about Kinky the very same night i learned about him- from my dad ( yes it’s all your fault). His slogan is " why the hell not" and he is going to get the job done because in his own words " I am a jew- I will hire good people" 

I was reading that he used to be in a satirical band that had songs like " they dont make jews like jesus anymore". I thought that was funny. That and he writes novels. I havent read any of them. I don’t have to. I am not really thinking this guy would be a good governor… um. I am just in this because i need a hobby. Bubbie told me I should do some volunteer work for a jewish cause… my dad rolled his eyes at me when i told him this was a jewish cause- after admitting earlier that he too will be voting for the kinkster ( as everyone calls him). Here are some official things I found-

As Governor, Kinky, or “the Kinkster”, would:

• Legalize casino gambling to fund education




• Abolish political correctness “We didn’t get to be the Lone Star state by being politically correct”




• Take a good look at death row. “We need to make sure that we’re not putting innocent people to death, which I believe we are”




• Outlaw the de-clawing of cats




• Bring young people into his administration. “Young people are less corrupt. They are the future of Texas ; it’s theirs to win or lose.”

Pretty noble too. I have some stuff to write about renewable energy too… about his position and blahblah blah but I just got a new guitar and I feel like playing it now before my pizza comes. Bye.