Well, Here I am on a saturday morning. I slept in until the increadible hour of 8:30. ( even though i went to bed early last night i get tired at certain times of the month) (go ahead and say it chello). I have had so many thing I wanted to talk about in my diary this week but simply have not found suitable chunks of time or the motivation to do it. Ergo- I write now- before anyone else is awake, before i check my mail, before i log on to second life….
Yesterday I was virtually hanging around with some people…. friends and I was saying that I am intimidated by awesome talent. someone said " look who is talking" ( dont quote me it was something like that). and i tried to bring out a point but i dont do it very well. I may be a good "drawer with sharpies" but that does not mean i cant be in awe and yes, intimidated by people with other talents. In the second life game i refer to my "master" as " awe-sinpiring" and he is even though i am not intimidated by that… well sometimes i am… and i definately was when i first met him and he was sooo good at building things and he understood how things work etc.
I think it is ok to be in awe of the things other people do that i just cant and never will be base line good at. I think the intimidation fades with time. I am always awestruck when he comes up woth a new idea or a new building or a new theory… however i am no longer intimidated… I guess i just am not suprised when he does creates unimaginable things. The fact that he can do it is something i know. I dont expect it because my imagination does not say " hm what would be cool to build" ( my imagination says. Hm what would be cool as a wallpaper on the building), i dont expect it… but when it happens I am like.. sincerely humbled.
Christopher turned 48 last friday. Happy birthday Mr. Brown. You know, I have to say in review ( and if you have read the diary for a while you have surely heard my rants about christopher… especially in the beginning and in lillyanne). oh yeah.. I have to say in review that i dont have anything negetive to say really about him other than like any human being he is testy at times. Somehow we have transcended the "we are a couple thing" and actually turned it into a "we are a friends thing" and that has happened over the last… year I would say.
The differences are quite amazing. We get along fine with eachother and around the kids. we know what is going on in the others life. I think we care about the others feelings. For example… He is seeing a girl and he was concerned about something going on with her medically and one night i saw him and I asked him " are you ok" and he said " no" and he told me what eas going on with tears in his eyes. The next day i called him to see if the status had changed… he said no it hadnt and so i invited him over to hang out because… he needed people. He does not have a lot of friends that are the "come be emotional here" type.
My thoughts drift back to early march after the man I was living with and I broke up. I remember him coming over after work for a few days… I remember facing the wall in my bed and crying and telling him how i missed ***** and I remember him sitting there on the bed behind me just to be there… and I remember him waking up on the couch because I didnt want to fall asleep alone in the apartment so he would watch tv till i fell asleep… and then a few times he fell asleep himself.
I think back to when my father was out of town and i had to do some business work that takes me into a not so nice part of town almost every day. I remember christopher volunteering to take me there because he knew it wasnt safe. I remember one night sitting in a denny’s after the trip him telling me about his new girlfriend.. he told me she had a lot of problems and he was trying to help her…. it sounded like an echo of his past with me. Anyway that girlfriend is the one that went all opsycho and called me on my cell phone and then got drunk and attacked him in the parking lot of a bar he was playing in and then she called him compulsively for like 2 weeks. I never did that to him. ha.
I remember a few months ago when my comcast burped for a few days and chris let me camp out at his apartment because he knows i cant live without computer contact. I remember him asking me to bail out on the third night because he was bringing a girl over. haha. I remember telling him that I fooled around with lars. Now THAT was the ultimate final exam of "just friends". hehe because Lars knows both of us AND sees chris playing around town at least 3 night a week. Granted, the episode with lars was a one time thing ( i think we’ce known each other too long)… chris really didnt care. And i imgine lars knows that too ( cause i mean HE sees both of us all the time ) and lars isnt stupid. He wouldnt put himself in the middle of something that was anything.
And last evidence… I hardly write about chris in the diary anymore. I may mention him once in a while but that is in daily life and usually about the kids. I remember when the pages of this diary were covered in the misdoings of Christopher, how bad things were even though we had broken up… how abusive things were… ah the word is passion. we FOUGHT passionately at the end because it was the only way we could still show passion for eachother but now I think we just feel love for eachother that has no passion attached. We have been through a lot together. He is going to me in my and my childrens life for a long long long time and I am glad we have moved to a comfortable place regarding eachother.
Ok so I am trying to think about the other things that are going on. There are a lot.
SHANNON… yes the official sidekick of the justanotherbeth diary… is MOVING. Today in fact. I am actually in the process of being a bad friend right now by being here rather then over there helping move but i am kind of wiggy about driving the van around since i have now been in two accidents in the thing and i am not supposed to drive it anywhere but to work and my dads. It is not my van and i dont pay for the gas so I really gotta respect the use i do get of it…. anyhow….
Shannon has not been a main player in the JAB diary in a long time but she is still one of my best friends ( it is ok to have 3 best friends). Shannon is the most ultimately calm, sane, patient, and hard working person I know. Though she might say otherwise… she cant say she sees it from my eyes and i have seen her in action for quite a few years. She is moving today to a house twice the size of the cramped one she and scott and the kids have been in for… (11?) years. She is also working in the field she wanted to persue in teaching and she will cbe certified montessori tacher at the end of next summer. A few years ago… she took flustered and stagnated feelings and slowly began to chip away at that mountain. she wrote in 2002 " I feel like i am making room in my life for something but i dont know what". and here she is, embarking on her teaching career, moving into the self described " nicest place i have ever lived". and I told her " you deserve it" and she DOES. if anyone deservs it SHE does. she said she felt like it was all a dream. Apparently that girl hasnt ever been appropriately rewarded for her efforts… because when you work hard and have patience… good things do happen, and really… they couldnt have happened to a more deserving person.
Shannon- I love you. Congratulations. ( I am not getting teary… its something in my contact lens)– ooo9h shannon, remember when you were gonna let me and pedro paint a room of your house? how about letting me and pedro paint a mural or something in the kids room…. OR… oh nevermind… she just moved in , she isnt about to let two wacky art freaks trash it (YET). hehe.
well. I am kind of written out. Ready to move on to an exciting day of crossstitching. hehe. ( I’ll take a pic when i am done)
I shall not fear-