Here are the newest art pics (since i got the new notebook)
Here are the newest art pics (since i got the new notebook)
I need to thank Rick for giving me that pet name.
He was eating matzoh. He called it a jew cake. I think that is a serious blow to DA JEWZ. We are a very cakey people, and I personally think that cake is really really good. (Really?)(yes really)
My roommate wrote a diary entry and he dedicated the words of some really cool songs to me. However… I can’t believe one of them was a kelly clarkson song. The only reason i knew it is cause he listens to that fuckin’ music station that constantly lets me lick the lollipop and teaches me how to spell bananas. I just wanna say that the song that makes me go bananas. That and Texas Hold’em poker… mostly cause I am starting to understand Texas holdem poker. I promise to do my best notto get addicted as he is.
I just wanted to say.. I agree to his sentiments that this is a good living situation and i hope it is for a long long time. He is right that we both enjoy having a roommate and we do pair off well….
I know it is an insane concept… an overweight jewish girl and a gay man getting along so well. This is the first time we have been roommates and lived together ALONE. what’s funny is that neither one of us is really all that talkative most of the time. He plays poker and I color.
Speaking of coloring- I got the sharpie silver and gold oil based markers and they both suck. I also bought a ten pack of the super fine color collection. One of these days I am gonna go online and order everything sharpie makes. I need to take some pictures of my recent art. I have been very prolific. Well, I think that I am gonna go play with my markers.
The drunk neighbor told me that someone was on peoples court suing another person for the magic markers they messed up or something. He said that the defendant said that they were everywhere. It’s a good thing rick does not touch my markers ( would you like to touch my marker? touch it… TOUCH IT!). I have tried to get him to color but he is more the paint type. oh well. SUCKS TO BE YOU Rick.
Ok back from spontaneous tangent land.. ( no I am not) (I thought she was gonna sign off and color) (she will… eventually).
My daughter called me and left a ten minute machine message about the three dvd’s in her hand. She said things like ” I am going to hang up… in a minute”. She sure does know how to reach out and touch someone. My son never calls me. In fact.. he does not even know my phone number. My daughter on the other hand… has the phone book in her head. Kids… when you can’t live with them… live a mile away.
If you can’t be good then be good at it!
Today Z stayed home from sh-kool because he had a slight fever yesterday. I KNEW he was gonna have it. I asked him wednesday night if he was feeling OK… he said yeah he was just tired. I knew he felt warm to me.
“Then I was inspired… “
we are decided-
two little bethlings sitting on a tree.
sitting and smiling as big as can be
if she had one more
then there would be three….
haaaa life aint gonna do that to me.
H asked me if i could make her a little self. I told her in the language of “4 year old” to go fuck yourself”. ugh that sounded bad… what’s she gonna do make her own baby? Helen is running after her father. I am at MY fathers home. Z is watching the tv.. ZZTV.
my mind is a bit scattered and tattered and torn and worn. and tomorrow’s saturday. (what does that mean?) I don’t know.
Yesterday I was having the physical symptoms of an anxiety attack. It was mainly in my stomach- my lower gut. It felt uncomfortably tense. I spent a lot of the day trying to figure out why I was feeling that way . It seemed to go away in the beginning only when I was being active and so i started jogging in place in my room and then i thought maybe i felt weird cause i have not eaten… so I made a bowl of noodles, and then i put on my shoes and went outside and started jogging. I went around the complex at least 13 times, possibly 17 or 18 because i know sometimes i counted two laps as one. then i got home and i felt like… the second i sat down i felt tense in my stomach again. It was the nervous feeling… like right before you are going on stage, and deep in the pit of my anxiety center stomach. Thing was… I was not anxious about anything. It was purely physical. I was a little worked up in my behaviour because obviously i had this explosion of energy. after jogging in place again i the living room and then aerobics and arm exercises. I was trying to do anything to make the feeling stop, and exerting energy was like this temorary reprieve. When I stopped because i did get a little tired, the stomach thing started right up again. it was coming in waves and it was awfle. Anyhow, i tried many things to not let it creep on me too strongly. That feeling i had is absolutely awfle. Well, I had some scattering of it today and it is still kind of there… however it is obviously not even a tenth of the strength it had yesterday or else i would not be able to even sit here and type for this long.
My friend gabriel stopped by and we were visiting with the downstairs neighbor for a while on his porch, and then we came back here and we were drawing and he drew a really cool surrealist pool table with a mentally disturbed white ball. it is the only ball on the table. It’s kind of cool. I drew a cartoon character for no reason and it is cool also.
Now i am drawing a really dark monochrome.
I can’t believe that it is midnight and i am still awake… OH I know why. I was still asleep at 5pm when rick woke me up because there was a tornado warning. I went to bed around 11 last night. which means I slept for 18 hours. I am obviously going through a really funky full moon experience. That is it. This has been a funky week. It has been a good week. I can’t complain about any mental problems or insanity raging through my mind… in fact i have become quite dull.
It’s kind of cool to be the listener as well as the talker. Maybe i will eventually become a reader again. I miss reading diaries. However I just have not had the patience. I do not know why. Well i am losing patience now again so i am gonn wrap this one up
I have been having a nervous stomach all day. I am not sure why. i am not nervous about anything. My body just hurt with this nausea and the only time it felt a little better was when i got moving. I jogged in place at home, jogged around the complex for a while, came home and jogged some more, I took my anxiety medication, benadryl, and another med that helps with anxiety. (bear in mind… i was just trying to make the feeling go away. I did not feel anxious in my mind). Well… I just got this in the mail, and I am wondering if THIS is what’s up…
This Sunday, we’re seeing the first of 2005′s two lunar eclipses. Very early in the morning, the Earth’s silhouette will pass in front of the Moon, shadowing out its light, but you’ll begin to feel the effects 24 hours earlier. This eclipse is focused on Scorpio, the sign of sexuality and the paranormal — quite the exciting combination! Scorpio is the most secretive and ambiguous sign of the zodiac, and you’ll certainly feel a sense of mystery this weekend. You’ll also feel a detached focus on yourself, as the illumination of the Moon, which rules our emotions, will be blocked. It’s an excellent time to take a step back from the details of your life to see the whole picture.
So last night my downstairs neighbor came over and while he is usually drunk… jumping in the pool at 9 pm with a cool breeze outside and an even colder pool actually sounded like a good idea. That idea lasted about 30 minutes… the actual pool time was about 30 seconds..
But BOY did i feel ALIVE. There aint (did she just say aint?) nothing like a good old shock to your mind and body (that you know is coming) so that you can FEEL the rush (face it… i dont take adderall any more- I have got to get off on something)(no i did not get off in the pool).
Then I came home and changed into these pajama pants I have and a really big ling sleeve shirt- and on the couch i felt the warmth penetrate me, i closed my eyes to savor the feeling. Life has been kind to me lately. I wrote something about it in my hand journal that I wanted to share….
“I remember when I did not want to leave the house. It’s a big bad world out there and like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get every time you walk out the door. But, the way I see it – even my least favorite chocolate in the box doesn’t suck.. cause face t- it’s chocolate, and I want to taste all the flavors of life!”
Tonight is 1st seder for passover at my cousins house. There are bound to be a million people there. I think I will just nod and smile. I am gettng very good at that lately.
well i am gonna call dallas area rapid transit and transitate my route to the seder tonight.
Be good and be good at being good
You know you are way too involved with the kids school when they have already been picked up and you are still there to do the “pharoh” dance cause it is fun. On fridays at 5:30 they do a “shabbat” bringing in thing. I like the school. I like being there. Helen was very affectionate today. The more time i spend with them, the closer we get, and then the more time we want to spend together. I spent my quality time with zach watching him play super mario brothers.
The plan for the day was that I was going to go to the dept of human services and give them the stuff i got from the housing authority yesterday to update my food stamps. It was not immediately updated as i had hoped… but at least the process is rolling. I called my social worker and she happened to be coming into my area so I asked her if she would drop me off at the dept of human services. She did.
I was done there at about 2:00 and i crossed the street to the bus stop and realized that the bus was not gonna come for a while… and it was a nice day out… so I walked from there to the school. It was no real big deal… I did not think that it took that long, but when i got to the school i was surprised to see that i had been walking for over an hour. And- I still planned to go to the gym after seeing the bethlings.
well- i spent time with the kids and then i was on my way back towards the gym and i realized that it closes early on fridays because of shabbat. (which makes no sense because it is open on saturdays). So, I walked to the bus stop and rode home.
It’s funny how things sometimes work out. I did not know that the gym would be closed, and i happened to have walked for an hour or so in the nice outdoors. when i got to the school i had more energy, i felt more alive than before i started excersizing (and stopped taking adderall). well, tomorrow starts the passover. i have a lot to write about it from the theological sociology point of view.
Sometimes i forget that Passover was the last supper.
i am ready to hang out , draw, relax, and enjoy the rest of the day and maybe go outside a little.
Be good and be good at it
Today I had to do go to the housing authority to get some paperwork to take to the food stamp office because I needed proof… etc etc. Well. I do not know why, but i have been dreading going to the housing office and i have no idea why. I have been afraid i was going to have to find out who my counselor was, and then have to make an appointment and then get lost on the bus….
only one of those things happened. The lady at the desk printed out exactly what i need in about 12 seconds and i did not have to even see a counselor or anything. When I took the bus in the other direction, it did not return the way it had come ( I swear) ( and ed knows that can happen!) and so i ended up just getting off at the new transit center on the corner of martin luther king jr blvd, and malcom x street. I found another bus that could take me to the furthest train station on earth but at least i know how to get home on the train.
The weird thig is that my anxiety really took it’s forms in feeling very drowsy and impatient. not like…. biting your head off impatient… but inside i was having a bad attitude toward the fact that i was not able to control how fast the bus could get there to take me home.
Yesterday at the gym I was reading an essay and it was talking about the difference in “knowing that G-d exists” and “living with G-d in your life every day”. I feel like i lived with G-d today, conquering a trip to the housing authority… baby steps. Sometimes it’s ok to just want to go home to the comfort of your own rick and just BE.
as someone said… ” I am a human BEing not a human DOing”
and now i am going to go over there , meditate, and become invisible.
be good, and be good at being good.