Monthly Archives: July 2004

Eye On The Future

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I called my mom crying, then i called her feeling optomistic after talking to my northstar case manager. She reminded me that rather than focusing on one incident at a time that makes things worth it, I need to keep my goals where they have been for a long time now. I don’t know how long it will take, and no matter how long it takes I won’t give up. The bigger picture picture reminds me that i WILL bring my children home to us.

Chris and I will be able to work together (with counseling) to raise our kids in a family that works the way we feel comfortable. Chris has a good job that he has kept for quite a while now, which includes health insurance for the kids that he pays for.

I have decided that in order to keep my eyes forward on the future and my goal, I need to add structure into my life. I intend to get a part time job. At this point I don’t care where the job is, probably the super target, but it will give me a responsibility, and also the gratification of a paycheck every week ( or bi-monthly).

I wanted and still want to use the money I have to go to israel, however Right now it is sitting in a savings account I opened just to keep that money safe at the same bank where chris has his checking account. I have decided that since I can walk to many places of employment, I am going to put off getting a car for a while and let the money actually be a savings *shock* Imagine that, ME with a savings, AND chris and I are going to add 50 dollars from each of his paycheck to that account each month. It’s about time we started treating money the way we need to if we are going to properly parent our children.

Since I am going to be working part time, I can expect my checks to be about 200 a week, about 800 a month, and since I will be working, I will begin to pay MY portion of the child support to my dad and carole. Chris pays 400 a month, and I owe my father and his wife money and I intend to pay it back because I am an adult… and Things dont slip my mind just cause time has passed by.

In 6-8 months, I will have been stable for a long time ( the last anxiety attack I had turned out to be PMS). There is no reason why depression would keep a judge from awarding our children back to us. The judge is looking to what is best for the children, and ultimately that is for them to be with their parents. The situation under which they were removed and the situation as our lives mature change every day.

When I asked my northstar counselor if bad words from my father and carole would be used against us, she reminded me that first of all, the judge makes the decision, and also , dad and his wife would have to prove WHY we are not fit parents… They can’t just say they dont think we should have the kids… the burden of proof is on them. Chris and I are taking stock of what we need to do and how it needs to get done so that when we do go back to court… whenever that happens… we willhave a solid case.

I cant wait for the day when we pick them up and bring them home, but it will be a long time, so for now I have to keep my head up, no matter how my father and his wife make me feel. They are the ones who are ultimately hurting themself by being so closed to me. I say LET THEM… let carole yell at dad, let dad be a dick… i hate what it does to my children, but I will get them back and they will be raised by their parents… the way it is supposed to be.

Dad and carole have no idea how i live. neither of them have been here in months. they dont know if I keep it neat, They don’t know if I keep my laundry washed, they dont know what is in my refrigerator. They know nothing about me. When it is time to go before a gidge… what can they say. they can say it USED to be a pigsty. we all know that, thats why the kids went there. But the question is about NOW, and it seems that dad and his wife have assumed they will forever raise our children.

They are sadly mistaken.

We never signed away our parental rights, which means we have the right to go to court to petition the return of our children to us. dad and his wife havent adopted the kids, they are just conservators. It is very likely that within a year… our kids will be back where they belong.

I am motivated by this. i had almost forgotten that it was actually an option, that i CAN get them back… it’s like my eyes are opened again. With these new meds since march. I had convinced myself I was good for nothing and i sat around the house all day feeling badly and guilty that i am not raising them now. I can’t change that…. but I can sure work toward an eventual change.

My kids will come home.

Be good and be good at it
Beth (someone who will once again be parenting her children.)

all in the family

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my heart hurts, it is sinking right now. i miss my children. i am very very upset abou them being taken out of the country. my mom and i were brainstorming how i could deal with my need not to be separated by so much distance. even if i don’t see them as often as i could, i know they are near me. i am their mother.

when they go to my moms house for so long that will be hard for me, but my mom said i can visit for while they are there, so i am a lot more comfortable.

i brainstormed a lot, it is not their safety i am worried about. it is their distance from me. they have never been so far from me, nor i from them, and even though they can’t live with me i still have an undescribable connection to them.

mom and i thought we figured out an answer. why don’t i go too? my father said “absolutely not…i have two kids i don’t want three”.

later i even realized it’s during hanukkah.my memories of hanukkah used to be with mom and dad and us. family. now they are being taken to another country to have hanukkah with my elderly grandma, my aunt, my uncle, my three cousins, two of them married with children, dad, carole, and my kids. my entire fathers side of the family and i have been told by my father that if i went i would “ruin their vacation”. they don’t have to look after me, i just want to be close to my kids.

just because i am sick that doesn’t mean i shouldn’t get the right to be with the family. i am being left out because i am sick. he said earlier that “because of my decisions”, which turns all that blame i was trying to finally get rid of, is turned right back on me.

he gets mad and out of control and he even thought a sarcastic remark about letting his dog out was a threat. everyone i have asked about it (family, professionals etc.) thinks that this is probably one of the most hurtful things that can be done. i will always be mentally ill, but i’d like to see gramma too, and noam and aryes babies, and spend hanukkah with dad, carole, and the kids. with my family. i can’t understand his reasoning.my intenetions are totally innocent. it’s my family too.

Family Dynamics

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Well, As usual, there are problems in my family. People pitted against each other and mostly because…

[Let me stop here and save everyone an hour]

“Poor me Poor me Poor me”

[there, isn't that better than a blow by blow description?]


Well, I was wondering what was up with my “cycle” because I had expected my “monthly proof of feminity” at least 2 or 3 weeks ago. i HAVE been eating better lately. Whole meals ( even if they are small), and not just drinking ensure. I lost another 8 lbs in the last month. only a few more lbs until I am back where I was before I started taking that dreadful medicine.

Anyway, back to my period. I had mentioned to Chris and whoever ( cause whoever is around usually just gets the stark truth about whatever).

I will write more later. I have a few phone calls to make.

-JAB

“Guess What Daddy… I am all grown up”

Un-Nessecary anger

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I don’t know how it happened. I was taking about going to NY to visit my mother during august while the kids were there. Caleb has never been to new york and this is a rare opportunity. Since my mom would pay my way, I said I would split half of his ticket with him ( in price).

On the internet there are several sites where one can order and compare prices. One of the reasons I have always turned to priceline because, at least it used to be that you could enter a price and it would accept or reject. I also have seen many recent commercials about priceline done my william shatner and leonard nemoy. it is driven into my head… Priceline, priceline….. I only know one other place to buy tickets, that is cheap tickets .com. Oher than those two…. I really never have heard ( or thought about in a way it made sence to remember) mostother flight businesses.

Caleb was looking for something on “Orbitz.com”. Now, I have heard of orbitz before, I did not know if it did planes or hotels or rental cars…

I dont know how it even started, but he kept insisting that I had suggested “orbits” as a place to look….. Has someone ever come to you either alone in a group and tell you something they think they heard that not only you did not say… but it is something you would not really say anyway. we know what kinds of things we say… and ORBITZ was the farthest thing on my mind… in fact It was not something that would cross my mind. as far as tickets go, if you dont want to use priceline or or cheap tickets, I personally might go to google.

When I hear the word orbitz, let me tell you what I start thinking….

There is this gum and it is called orbitz, we tend to have this kind or trident around a lot. having been on seditives, when orbits was mentioned, I did not even get what he meant. then I remembered there was some website.

All good so far… until Caleb started insisting that I told him to go to orbiz… you see the think is.. orbits is not even in my queue of things I think about (even in terms of looking up services. THEN i might try it… but under no circumstances would I have suggested it. I am a priceline person… and proud to beone.

I told caleb that orbits was not something I would have suggested. after all, we know ourselves better than anyone. I still am dumbfunded that because he HAD to be right, he couldnt see past anything. He told me that it was because of the seditives, He told me he was sure. Even Gabriel, who was there, said he had not heard the word of orbits until we started to bump heads.

wait… lets forget about that…

I said I did not say ORBITZ.

He could have heard something similar, or thought he heard something, he might have been paying attention to the pages he was look it. He ewas looking, he found a price… and thats why i suggested priceline because you can compare each airline. that way we did not have to pay the total fair listed in his itinerary amd possibly find something a little cheaper.

Somehow, He heard the word orbitz.

I however… did not say that… and I NEVER do this… I swear on the life and death of my sister… I did not… NOT say orbits. the first time i heard it was when caleb said i suggested it. once again. I swear … because when i am wrong i admit it…

this wasnot a fight about things we can look up and settle with facts from a book. The only facts we have here, are that i say one thing, and he says another. I just think that because things can get distorted, he might have heard something similar, HE was looking up other things. He has told me before that when he is busy online, he really cant pay full or even half as much attention that is needed to absorb the entirety of whats being said.

I admit it. Ilost my cool. I yelled… why? because when i said i had not said “orbitz” I never thought that it could possibly turn into something that apparently so much, that not only did he call me a liar, he also told me that a friend of his for 3 years, would change is mind as soon as the car rolled away…

I asked him if the friend was really that shalow. he said “yes”. So, not he has only taken something about planes totally ouy of porportion, he just said right there with no hesitation that this perso in his car will lie depending on who he is talking to, and therefore his opinion is now worth shit.

Fortunately, the friend knew better. He motioned to me to just let them go. i stepped away. Gabriel had said to me while walking out… ” I’ll call you after a while” . what gabriel and I have to talk about at like 8 pm… I dont know.. but i think he feels comfortable around me. I am an outgoing person, full of life and vigor. I smile. People like me. I encourage people to expand they’re ways of expressiion, first paint… now it’s writing.

see, calebs rendition of what he think he heard as orbitz, has at leat ten ways to get distorted between my mouth and his ear… so the only one who knows what iI said… is me.

therefore, when asked, or even on the defensive… I will tell the truth… “Orbits couldnt have been further on my mind”

Now, Caleb can scream at me and throw reasons why he heard me say that… but i didn’t, which means he either heard something else, OR he heard me wrong. all I did, was say over and over… i dint say that… I dont even think about that site… . But none of that was heard.

I opened this diary, especially JAB because it was MY chance to be heard. I don’t lie, I also take things seriously when they get to the point when someone will keep pushing me after i say NO.

I had therapy the other day. I am… dammit… hurting. and even throught that… there are things i wouldn’t say… not “did not say” , WOULDNT” say. amd i need to know that my friends trust in me so that when I say something that is mistaken, and I am sure i explained it correctly… I cant remember a friend who challenged me like that. It’s enough to say.. ” I thought I heard that, I COULD be wrong”

it makes something that would light up a fight to the point of driving people mad, it is so easily diffused. In fact… I dont really care if you think I said orbits. what does that do me… what helps a friendship is being polite, especially at someones house. when visiting… it is almost… written in the bible that criticizing someone who does well for you , makes the person feel that the things they did were for not being met with grattitude.

FOR THE SAKE OF THE PERSON GETTING UPSET…..

ugh… I just had therapy the other day… I have enough problems with seeing caleb inmy dreams. however, when his head takes over and the “fight to be right” takes over, thereis no mercy. there is not thought about the fact I am burning from therapy, thereis not thought about the fact that i offered topay half HIS ticket…. the only thought… at that moment, is not to walk away until the other person admits they were wrong…. ( but… what if I might not be wrong)

you know…. I did not need to spend an evening on the “caleb coaster”…. friends are people we trust, and if asked ” did you say…. ” and the friend says “no…. ” then thats it… you believe the friend, because if you really trust, then you get the hell out of your comfort zone and decide… “maybe i will believe the friend.. just because they are a friend… and BETH , as far as I know, has earned my credibility”

Caleb… After all the things we’ve spoken about, I deserve credibility.
I know what I said.
and … damn… a fight over this?

yeah i asked him to leave… I needed the yelling to stop. I could not stop myself from trying to match his tone. I was scared. Finally I asked him to leave.

on the wayout… he said ” I can deal with this fight for a day or week…. ” he said that mostly because we dont have long fights. However… trust and credibility are not small things to hhave to prove to someone….

If Ihavent proven it to caleb as of yet I am pretty on the ball when I pay attention. and even if I wasnt… I am even chuckling at the idea I suggested orbitz……

and now I am lost. If he and or I apologize, thats an “i am sorry” that is not a “I might have possibly misheard you. with the things and closeness caleb and I have… if he asked me something, and I said no ( like the orbitz)…. then you know what… with my other friends… it would have been over.

Caleb,
If you are reading this…
Fighting hurts. not only the body, or the heart , or the esteem, it makes a person wonder exactily how much they are trusted. After everyting we’ve “been through” and talked about….

well, you can chose to ignore something I have said over and over , I didnt say orbitz. There is no argument. I just did not say it. and two days after therapy…. you might could have been a little more gentle, no matter what you thought I was wrong about.
I am still fighting issues fromlast year? tring to see the warm friendly face that I TRUSTED….

IF I AM WILLING TO PUT MY HANDS IN YOUR BECAUSE I WANT TO BAD TO TOUCH…..BECAUSE YOU ARE SAFE, BECAUSE I BELIEVE YOU….

thats all I ask of you. to believe me. to put what you thought you heard behind, and say… Beth… I am sorry, maybe just maybe… i was wrong, was sure it was otbitz that i heard, but somethines from one mouth to one ear, we just cant keep up….

I forgive you for not giving up.
BUT, if we ever have a chance to develop a eal close bonded “tell each other everything” friendship, sometimes you will have to compromise, as will I. it makes you feel really litle huh? but you know what? it does just the opposite. you have proven toyourself and others that there is no shame in being wrong…

oh and one more time…
I DID NOT say orbitz. period.

If you need to stand your ground… i cant lie about what i said… I cant ever really accept that you decided to take your truth over all we have shared.

enough,
I am tired…. I humg out with Jenn.

i sit here.. mouth agape.. wondering what to do next.i cant force anything on anyone… (writethat over and over)

Diary… I am glad you are here. I love you… i love you

Be good, and be good at it…-JAB
“if you always tell the truth, then you never have to worry about what you said!”-JAB

MOM: the dog is having an anxiety attack, and I thought you might relate. NO ONE got that she was being funny. Later I called her and told her that i was walking into walld and then ssitting there and I thought the dog would relate. That’s my mom… the one who watches everything and never lets on. She is one of my hero’s… my other hero is captain janeway!

seriously,
Bati

A little Better

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well, I am feeling a little better. I went to my appointment at the Northstar office. That went very well. My meds were tweaked a little, I can write actual sentences again.

Chris should be here pretty soon. He is going to pick up the kids and then get his dry cleaningand then come and pick me up to go to my dads house.

Most of the time, I don’t talk about my weight in here. But it is a diary, and I should be spilling my guts because that is what a diary is for.. Well, in the last year because I was on a medication the forgets to * warn you in the side effect section that you will gain 80 lbs. well, As soon as I went into the hoapital last march and they took me off that medication, and I started losing weight really fast.

I think I have mentioned in my diary howI was pretty much drinking “ensure” and everyone I know was giving me hell about it. I even heard caleb telling the mascott ” if she asks for ensure dont get it for her, I would rather she eat real food. ” it’s nice to feel like people are thinking about you, and care about you enough to almost “parent you” when they know you might not make the best decisions ( and you know that too)

I called Suzi this morning, ( or afternoon if you want to look at it that way. She is NOT working tonight and it might be a possibility. But, because I am not shaking, and I feel sedated but anything is better than bouncing all over the place.

Ok thank you for visiting tangent land.

yesterday, I weighed myself ( which I do every month when I get my meds. ) and in the last month I lost 7 and a half pounds. I am really not trying to lost weight but I think because I gained that weight from that medication, my body wants it gone.so, that’s about 60 lbs since march.

I feel better, but at the same time, I get shaky and stuff. Well, I felt shaky.
I have a funny story to tell about yesterdaay when I was at telecare. It’s funny!!!!!

FInally
Be good and be good at it.
-A beth