7-9-04 2:40 PM

I have not slept in 3 days, and now it is looking again like rain. Arnold just left to take pictures of the bride to be at his photo thing.

I went down stairs earlier to try and help paulie fix the starter wires for his van. The nut was very tight, even with my beyond brilliant plan to loosten it with a baby gap shirt and needle nose pliers.. Paulie was geting on the phone to find someone who might could bring us a wrench to losten those cable nuts. I said ” Let me call my dad ” because my father is like one of those teams at a race track. He just comes, does an excellent super job, and then is out of there.

I called to my dad around 8am and asked him very respectfully if he would be able to come and help us take a look at some point in the day ( if he had time). My dad may be an ass, bt he knows the inns and outts of machinery. He also came very shortly after I called and closed the conversation saying ” Is everything good with us?” ( US? you mean I am a person now???) hallelujah, my father just saw me as an adult)

Once again, I am getting ahead of myself. Last night for some freaky odd cosmic reason, a little “Hello conversation with Chello evolved into a faded memory of the chemistry e used to share. It seemed perfectly natural for us to banter back and forth, but this time, the whole co-dependency and desperation was gone. There were no fantasies that were there just to cloud reality, making what seemed fun, inevitably a crash.

We spoke for a long time about many things. As usual , I did most of the talking but I let him in on my newfound habit that still requires much much practice.. *note by the end of the entry the point will have been lost but that is not the point….

To the average passer by, I have a very sweet innocent type face. It is my habit to look people in the eyes and smile at every person when I am out of the house. If it is at all possible, I will pop out a compliment something to a total stranger, weather or not I liked the way the clever pink lace was running through the grommets that match the floursecent pink shirt from a phase that we are admitting straight up is a decade we all could have skipped, if for no other reason than for pink fluorescent shirts with pink lace running through grommets.

This is my challenge now. I want people to feel better about themself when they walk away. AND it is genuine I i noticed… that is genuine right?)

Yesterday morning I was walking around the roden statues…
* I need to take a moment that the central statue of feminine beauty accentuated her body, showing her as the woman-complete, just… remember and respect the “full figured” woman. she is the model for ultimate femininity and if she were life size, she would be wearing a 24… SO THERE*

So, I walked right up to where she, and her co-worker were taking a cigarette break. And with the smile of purest curiosity, I made no hesitant eye contact with miss 80′s and said… ” I was looking at you fro over there, and I really like your…. NECKLACE (saved by accessories.) She tried to tell me she had earings to match but she did not buy them together and they dont match. in fact, they belong in different jewelry boxes.

Having the moral need not to break up this necklace and earings set (ugh) , I just concentrated on the necklace. I really did like it , and while my new best friend told me the origin of the necklace centerpiece, I began to know more abot jewelry from… from… not here in the united states. Of course you know I was fascinated to no end by her very detailed tour through the journey of the history of these stones.

I did like the necklace… but I really did not care THAT much about it. In fact I was trying to challenge myself by trying things like complimenting a fluorescent sweater. The beauty of that short cigarette break for her… was that she got to talk about and live for just a few moments, with total attention from a stranger, something that she really loved deeply. ( I am glad I did not get the history of the fluorescent shirt). SHE walked away having been able to share with soeone random about someting that meant a lot to her. It put a smile on her face… and Made her feel special I think…

That is how I get my needs met… by meeting the needs of others, OR maybe a better term is “smiling, being friendly, looking everyone in the eye… charisma… There is nothing better than knowing that the lady felt the thrill of my interest… and ok ok I was interested to a point… but she obviously wanted to tell someone about it. So… Why not let her. Why not make her day. Why not compliment people as ften as possible/

OK mommas and poppas
I have not slept in 72 hours

I am going to see the kids tonight. There is definately more to say, but I am so scattered that I…. what was i saying?